To be embarrassed by my home?

[mamafridi]

I need help! The bulk of my problem is self made, I admit that, but its cause is definitely due to situations that have actually happened and now have turned my problem into an almost phobic level.
I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people round. There I've said it. This thought has been festering inside me since I moved to our home some 3 years ago. But it's only now that this horrible hang up is starting to cause problems not only for me but for my dd. She wants to invite her friends round to play, what 5yr old wouldn't, and I'm so caught up in my chronic fear of bringing people round that I'm now affecting my child's life too.

I can't seem to break out of this terror and I know it was made worse by a few instances that happened when I first moved to the area. When my daughter first started at the local nursery I'd invited (this was before my chronic embarrassment of where I lived had set in) on two separate occasions a couple of her little friends and the mums. We'd just moved and I hadn't really picked up on the extreme affluence within the area I'd entered, hence my embarrassment of where we live (very small and cramped flat). Those two first play dates were some of the most awkward and tense situations I've been in and afterwards those 2 mothers avoided me like the plague and dd had no more play dates. We have been invited to a few (palatial) homes but I never reciprocate, which has not helped me or my dd integrate well in what's quite a small town, and now basically I've become what I suppose most would consider a recluse.
I know on a rational level I should bite the bullet and just invite my dd's friends over and not give a fig but what happens if her friends start mirroring their mothers and begin making jibes about where she lives?
On the face of it I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm so caught up in this fear that I can't seem to get out of it.

Yes American it probably is but it's quite expensive at the minute I bought it a year ago and it was only £4 on Kindle so it's annoying they've doubled the price. I didn't really get the time to get stuck in at the time but I'm going to have another bash.

And that family in the 1 bed flat sound heroic American! But wise and thrifty too!

I honestly don't think that children cast the same judgements that adults do. I also think you were very unfortunate with the 2 people you have already had around; most people are not like this, thank God!

My 5 yo DD's best friend lived, up until recently, in a very small house. They have been friends since they were 3. I was worried she would say something unintentionally rude, but the only comments we ever had were positive ones; friend's house was better because friend had bunk beds and got to share her bedroom with a sibling (which from DD's perspective is equal to having a sleepover every night); friend's house was better because it had lots of toys in the sitting room; friend's house was better because she had an Elsa duvet cover, friend's house was better because they have a special cupboard with chocolate in it we do not have the willpower to have one of these. Generally, friend's house was better. I've no idea whether she ever said anything less positive whilst at friend's house, but I have become good friends with her Mum and she's never said anything to indicate that.

Friend has now moved to a larger house. After mourning the loss of the old house, DD now has a list of reason's why friend's new house is also better than ours...

We also have friends with DC the same age as ours who recently moved into something akin to a minor stately home. DD and DS (7 yo) have noted that our friends have a very big house, and DS has commented that they probably have more money than us. No envy though.

It could be a number of reasons why they did not come back. Maybe they just didn't click with you? Did you like them? Were they your type? Are there any others from your area you feel more comfortable with? Is it possible for the parents to just drop the child with you? I did that from age 4/5. I can sort of relate. My home is OK (needs some work) but I expect people to accept me as I am. However, I am of a different class so do find I don't click with all the mums I meet and some can be funny for all sorts of reasons, which may not be personal. You do get a mixed bag at the school gates and some are bonkers, too.

My best friend has a bit of a hoarding problem. Frankly her house is a bit of a tip. But I go round, drink tea, eat cake and have a giggle while the kids play with her latest charity shop find. Happy days. My friend is very warm and welcoming and popular. No one care that her house is messy.

I think the Kondo book is £5 in Sainsburys.

I had a wonderful friend. She was terribly well spoken and very elegant in the way she dressed. I'd known her for quite a while (we were work colleagues). One day she invited me to her place for dinner and the shock I got when I arrived must have been written all over my face. It was a small pokey rundown place with mould and dust and various other things falling apart. However, She was the best host and we had a wonderful dinner (cooked in the dirtiest of kitchens). It was the first of many dinners to happen over the following years. She was a very dear friend who I will never forget (she died a few years ago).

The thing is that she clearly had put off inviting me over because of where she lived and the memory of her has made me realise that although obvious now but she didn't clear up or clean she didn't make any changes to her space just because I was coming over and even though it did cause me an initial pang of worry when I saw that perhaps I would've preferred a bit of a wipe of the kitchen surfaces before she prepared the food on it, that actually it didn't matter one little bit because she was still a lovely, funny and interesting lady.

So what I'm trying to say is that yes it is important, up to a point, to be clean and tidy, tho in my case it's literally impossible to find anymore hiding places in my flat and that yes it will be given a wipe over before I get up the courage to start inviting dd's friends over but I will not get rid of my treasured furniture or multitude of knickknacks just for the sake of a snooty mum's acceptance!

Thanks MrsJorah and TheWrath - I'll have a look in Sainsburys.

I can empathise a bit but I think you have to let go of those feelings.
Our house isn't tiny but DH uses one downstairs room for work, which means our living space is very limited, and parts of the house are shabby and need work.
For a long time I was reluctant to invite anyone over but have had to for the sake of my dcs and so far it's been fine.
I've also made the mistake of apologising for my house and explaining too much so I would agree that you should just have confidence, spruce up the flat as much as possible and focus on being welcoming and relaxed.

I also wonder if your anxiety is the off putting feature rather than your home. Would it be possible to firstly chat to parents in the playground and identify people you feel comfortable with? Then perhaps suggest a trip to the playground/ soft play or whatever and bond over a coffee while the DC play. That is your opportunity to say that your home is rather small and cluttered but you'd love to have their DC to play. At 5 the parent doesn't need to stay necessarily.

Then organise a really fun time. Perhaps some craft followed by easy baking and an easy tea. Two hours max. Then offer the parent a cup of tea and a sample of the baking and ask them about themselves and chances are it will be fine.

Some people will make judgements on another person's home, most won't. When I was a child we lived in a big but rather chaotic home and I had friends in both bigger and much smaller houses and I was much older before I noticed any discrepancy. The adults are more likely to be positive if they already know you and have been prepared. A lovely play date is a lovely play date wherever you live.

I think as long as it's cleanish (not immaculate) you've no reason to worry. if it's easiest, work on keeping just one room a bit less cluttered, and tell the guests to ignore any chaos elsewhere.

we've got a small 2.5 bed terrace. my DC appear to have a knack of making friends with the kids in the big 5 bed detached jobbies. No-one seems to mind, and we get repeat visitors.

my DC have noticed that lots of their friends have bigger houses, but they're not embarrassed. Our house generally gets good reviews off any visiting kids because we have a really well-stocked craft cupboard and an overly-friendly cat.

I think the problem exists in your mind and you have identified it as a problem which is the first step.

You have to learn to become more confident in yourself and just not care what people think.

Previously I have experienced the opposite of your problem. After some people had seen our home (it had period features, antiques, chandeliers, persian carpets etc) people never invited us to theirs because they suddenly felt embarrassed about their home. Everything always changed once they have walked into our home- they got completely overwhelmed.

But I dont' care about other people's home unless it is dirty. My closest friend from DS' school lives in a small council house and the welcome I get at her house means much more to me and I enjoy her company and that is what matters.

Now just like you mamafridi - we have moved to a flat which is 1/4 the size of our previous home and in an area full of millionaires in North London (but good schools). We also lugged as much of our stuff with us and our home is very cluttered. We keep getting rid of stuff but it is still cluttered!

I just feel bad that DS has a bedroom he can't play or study in as it is too small but it is also because he refused to give up his double bed.

I also get embarrassed because of the clutter but honestly I don't think people care. If they do, they aren't people I want to be friends with. Kids definitely don't care.

I can really relate. We live in a tiny run down house in an affluent area.

The majority of people don't care as long as it's safe and clean and you're nice to their dc. Bite the bullet. Find a kind looking one and ask them or even just send a note for the bookbag with your phone number if that seems too hard. If they aren't receptive try another. I've never had anybody refuse.

Another alternative, which we took to when our house was undergoing major repairs, was to invite a friend out to the soft play or park. Dd had a little friend who went bike riding with her in the park on a regular basis. And for years we asked another family to come to the park after school one day a week in the summer. I sometimes take a few to the cinema in the holidays (they usually come armed with their entrance fee). That way you can get to know them first before inviting them round to your home.

But in all honesty, when I'm picking up what makes me smile is a table full of dc at a party or something all having a laugh. That's way more important than how many bedrooms they have.

Omg OP, I could have written your post!!! Our house isn't atypical for the area but it's atypical for the school and it absolutely definitely holds me back socially. I've hated it for so many years and I have no idea how to go about getting over it! I have someone new (and important) coming over next week and I am already so, so anxious about it :( Maybe we need a support group?!?

Sorry you had a bad experience with those 2 nursery mums - its not typical though honestly!

I thought our semi detached, rented house was lovely and really quite big when we moved here (a lot bigger than what we had in the UK) and merrily invited loads old people over, getting DD friends established - in due course we were invited back to her friends houses and I realised they mainly had enormous, Grand Designs style detached homes they'd built themselves in many cases - all immaculate open plan huge footprint houses with massive gardens (we have a postage stamp muddy lawn mainly dedicated to the rabbits but we live about 5 steps from the park :o ) Their homes were all tidier too, at least on first visit...

I'm glad I got in first before realising :o

Our house is the one most full of kids most days, as I'm home in the afternoons and we live by the play park right in the middle of the village :o

A six year old did offer to hoover my stairs for me once though... she still visits most weeks and she's 11 now...

Just invite people over - as she's 5 once you've done that one first invite where you have to include a parent if they want, people will soon be happy to drop and run and you won't have to worry - kids only care about whether they like your kid, and maybe about whether you have good biscuits or only offer carrot sticks :o

Reading all your responses has been really heartwarming! It makes me realise that I'm my worst enemy and judge! Because frankly if these mums at the school gate are anything as nice as you lot than I honestly don't know what I've been worrying about!

Oh and, bizarrely, one of my very close friends lived for a long time in a tiny house and she never made any mention of it or seemed to acknowledge it or actually care at all. She also worked in a very low-skill job quite happily and openly in a social circle that included celebrities and some extremely high earners. I always, ALWAYS, admired her (for that and many other reasons) and it never made a jot of difference to me where she lived or what she did. So why does it matter so bloody much when it's me?!?!

I think you have to get quite resilient to deal with those early school years. Try not to dwell on things and just say "fuck it" and carry on. Live in the moment so to speak.

It's funny how people pop up again later on. I too met a couple of mums in nursery who weren't very nice. One of them appeared in year 1, all gushing, practically begging for dd to come round to tea. What I regret is dwelling too much on the not so nice people and not realising what other lovely people there were there. One of the lovely ones reappeared again several years down the line and I wished I'd been less affected by the bad and managed to forge more contacts with the good people at the time. What I did was hide away and lose my confidence. Resilience is key.

A home is somewhere for you and your child to feel comfortable NOT what other people think. If you aren't comfortable with it then perhaps there are things you can do? Not getting rid of things, although I am a massive hoarder and keep things for ages, but perhaps sorting through them. I am one for keeping random envelopes and pieces of paper, crap from party bags etc but occasionally get into "don't give a stuff" mode and put it in the bin. Its cathartic :)

However don't go changing your home for other people, just do it for yourself as you will never please everyone all of the time and it is atmosphere and genuine friendliness that is important, much more than size of home.

Be happy with it and that will show :) Thats what is important :)

I see your point OP! I am in a small rented place with DH and DS. We can't afford to buy our own place. We can't even afford to rent a bigger place. We are renting so we aren't allowed to do many changes, refurbishment, nothing. Some things are falling apart and landlord doesn't care. It's old building.
I do invite friends though because I like socialising with people and I want friends for my son too. Freshly baked cakes or cookies, nice cup of tea or coffee and no one cares whether our place is small or big.

I think it's very easy to project judgement when there isn't any. DD has one friend whose house is messier than mine. We are always welcome there and that sense that our company is more important than immaculate tidying is very appealing in itself.

I agree with others, stash the living room clutter somewhere out of sight, hoover and dust living room and then bite the bullet. You really don't have to fix everything first.

No one cares about the size of your house. As long as it is moderately clean and not dangerous that is all that matters. Bake a nice cake and do a fun activity and they will think you have the best house. The only thing I judge on is when houses are properly dirty. Our child has one friend who's house is really dirty which I do try to reduce time there as when he comes home he has to have a full bath and I have to plan his clothes so he only wears dark things as otherwise he comes back really grubby and I can never manage to get the stains out of his clothes.

Those two first play dates were some of the most awkward and tense situations I've been in

This, sort of, made me smile because I bet it's almost EVERYONES experience of 'first playdate's with new Mums. I bet it wasn't anything to do with your house. I moved to a new country when my DC were very little and had to work at making friends. I had some absolute disasterously awkward Mum play dates. It's just luck and you have to try a few before you find people you click with. It's no one fault, it's just the way it is

We've always had the fancy house and I'm happy to say that I don't think my DC ever seemed to notice other people's wealth or otherwise.

The only time I can remember where I had a bit of an issue was with one their friends who had loads of dogs and who's house was dirty. My DC used to smell after she had visited .

Lovely thread. Lovely posts! One step at a time op. Your doing great

We have a nice home. It's not huge or particularly glamorous but it is nice, a perfectly standard family home imo. In conversation with DH recently it came to light that he had discovered from his friend that our lunch invitations to his family were repeatedly turned down as his wife didn't want to reciprocate because their house wasn't as nice/they don't live in such a nice area. It.Blew.My.Mind. their garden is twice the size of ours for starters

If it really bothers you, be the mum that arranges to take the kids to forest school playdates in welly boots and waterproofs or allows the kids to build a tent from old sheets in the living room [might need to move some knick knacks if they are breakable ] I'm far too uptight for that :)

Kids don't give a monkeys unless there's only lentils for tea !!