Re. The sharing out of meat?

[ifgrandmahadawilly]

My partners family seem to have the idea that the men in the family get best pick of the meet.

I noticed once before when my partners mother cooked a roast that she asked the men which cuts they wanted. I was a bit bemused by this but she's generally a bit weird, uptight and controlling about food anyway, so i thought it was just one of her foibles.

Anyway, my partner's family has been staying with us for the past few days and as they were leaving today i did a roast. My partner always dishes out because I'm a bit clumsy and disorganised. But, HE then proceeded to ask the men which cut of the chicken they prefer and took the tastiest parts for himself and his sister's bf. Obviously, afterwards, I was like ' WTF was that?' Fully expecting some sort of concession from my partner that this was utter bellendry on his part. However, he actually tried to defend hos position. Saying that they are men and that's the way it is and they need more calories, blah, blah, blah.

I've told him I'm never cooking for his family again. Fuck them.

Who ibu?

[georgetteheyersbonnet]

My paternal grandparents did this! IMO all the stuff about men needing more calories is a red herring....it doesn't excuse the serving order! My nan used to serve the men first in order of age/seniority, then the women in order of age/seniority. A male guest was served first before anyone else; a female guest was served when it got to her perceived "turn" in order of age amongst the women!! My mum, when she and my dad were "courting", was always served last because she was the youngest female. Imagine treating a guest like that these days. Flipping awful. To be honest once my grandfather died my MIL just enjoyed never having to cook ever again and basically lived on Mr Kipling cakes.

[ouryve]

I'm a firm believer in cook's perks.

Particularly when it involves the oysters of a bird. Sod this breast is best idea. The darker, softer and more succulent the meat, the better. I refuse to buy turkey crowns for this very reason. All the best bits have been removed.

I do make concessions, though. I bought a small spatchcocked chicken, last week. Most definitely not a mumsnet chicken - enough meat for the 4 of us. DH and I had to make do with a breast each because the boys absolutely prefer the leg meat. DS1 won't even touch breast meat. DS2 also got a pile of skin. If he had his own way, he'd have the skin of an entire chicken or every single bit of fat off some mammal meat. Particularly roast Timmy lamb.

[upthegardenpath]

Wow OP - YANBU at all.
This sort of behaviour is bordering on Neanderthal!

[Kidnapped]

georgetteheyersbonnet

"To be honest once my grandfather died my MIL just enjoyed never having to cook ever again and basically lived on Mr Kipling cakes".

And who could blame her?

[AdoraBell]

MIL puts the plates, all served up, on the table in set places and then calls everyone to the table.

I never cook for them as DH knows better than to expect me to we always eat out when they visit, but when they have eaten here DH does the same.

As a family if DH carves the roast it's DDs, me, DH. If I do I ask the DCs how much they want, same question to DH and then sort my own out, in that order.

No fucking way would I give someone first choice simply because are male. Basic manners dictate that the eldest female guest is served first.

[georgetteheyersbonnet]

Kidnapped - yes, but then she was the one who decided the serving order!

[georgetteheyersbonnet]

Sorry realised I'd put MIL not nan! My actual MIL can't even cook.

[ovenchips]

Sounds to me like because you gave your DP the traditional male role of doing the carving (I get that you asked him to do this for completely practical and non-traditional reasons!) he has 'gone back' to lessons learned in childhood and performed this role very traditionally. He probably didn't even really think about what he was doing but just fell into a role and ritual assimilated in childhood. Then got defensive when initially challenged and refused to back down.

Glad to hear your DP is backtracking now - sounds like his more thinking, less reflexive self is back in play.

I really fancy a roast now!

[fakenamefornow]

Serving order

Child guests (often their parents guide or do this)
Own children
Guests, male or female could be, first depending who's closer.
Host
Server (also a host)

Either DH or I could be serving.
Once our children get to secondary school age, they will be served after guests but before us.

Your DH family sound like they're living in the dark ages.

[FankEweVeryMuch]

It was like this in my family when I was growing up. We'd go to my granny's house, the women would prepare, serve and clear up while the men watched Tv. This was the late 80s and all of the 90s in Wales.

They still do this in the part of Ireland my husband is from.

There are pubs in both places above that don't 'allow' women. What a load of BS.

[WorraLiberty]

I'm a roast dinner addict and I have 3 sons and a DH (who mostly cooks the roast dinners).

He just came into the room and I briefly explained the OP and asked him how well he thought that attitude would go down in this house.

All I can say is he turned a deathly shade of grey and made a quick exit!

[Pilgit]

is he this much of a bell end in other parts of your relationship? seriously, what a ridiculous attitude!

[Eliza22]

I've come across this twice in my life. Once with the family I lived with as a student. I didn't get it at all.

Next with a friend of mine whose husband was a big meat eater. She would always give him the choice cuts and again, I found it odd. It's a real throwback from Victorian times I think or from rationing when the "man f the house" got the meat as he was the wage earner? God knows, whatever....I don't like it.

[ifgrandmahadawilly]

That's an interesting theory, ovenchips!

[TealLove]

My Gran did this and was shocked when my mother used to serve the children first before the men / my Dad. Really upset her for years! My mum stood firm.
We serve DD the best then us. I like the tastier leg meat and DH likes bread so it all works out.

[Fatmomma99]

I'm still gobsmacked over

Bruised fruit is also pointed out to me so that I can eat it and save DH from it.

WTF????

Sorry, derailed. I would say with my 'good manners' head
First guests
then kids
then hosts

With my mum's head (and depending on age of kids)
kids
then guests
last hosts

I'd usually serve depending on need, and if no obvious need (no diabetes, pregnant/breastfeeding etc) would serve from oldest to youngest. Unless I'm serving kids first, in which case I'd do youngest to oldest child, and then oldest
(roughly - I wouldn't be asking people to fill in forms!)
to youngest adult.

Hosts get fed last. That's just basic manners.

[Inertia]

It's the sort of thing my grandmother would do. She was always horrified at the idea that men should do any household or child-related tasks.


OP, I hope your partner now realises what an arse he was.

In our house, visiting small children are served first, with input from the parents, as they are generally more particular about what they like.
Everyone else gets an equal share of meat, usually with some left over for seconds ( apart from me, I'm veggie).

[Saracen]

OP, another option could be to rag the men mercilessly about their responsibility to do loads of manual labour to justify all the tasty bits they've snaffled. "Yes, of COURSE you should have the best bits, big strong men like you! You need more energy, on account of having to go out after dinner to dig holes for our fence posts and chop the firewood to see us through winter. A feeble woman like me could never manage. You DID know that's why I invited you, didn't you?"

[Cabrinha]

I would not have stood for that crap!

But, I think you need to look to yourself here too. You ask him to carve because you're too "clumsy and disorganised"? Too disorganised to cut up a chicken - WTF? Come on. Complain about out dating sexist divvying up of the bird by all means, but don't at the same time be all helpless women needs a man to step up and carve.

[kickassangel]

The rules I grew up with:

With guests: Eldest/most senior female guest to youngest. Eldest/most senior male guest to youngest. Then the home team in age/gender order.

Just family at home:
Dad, kids, mum. Unless it's a roast, then Dad would carve and do himself last. But he would try to carve out what other people wanted, whilst secretly keeping the bits he wanted, without actually acknowledging that. Because whoever is the host/server must always put themselves last, but he couldn't bare not to get the bits he wanted, only he couldn't bring himself to admit that, so all sorts of fernickity messing about occurred with DSis and I not allowed to eat until everyone had their food.

But Dad usually got first pick, the best bits etc. We also weren't allowed to have any food in the house EVER if it was something that he didn't like, even if he wasn't there.

If you look at who sits where, and gets what over a meal like Christmas lunch, you can see completely who is the person with the most respect/authority in a family.

[PitPatKitKat]

The deal in our house is that DH gets more meat than me and I get first choice of what piece of meat. As that's a way to ensure we both get what we need/like. But that is down to lifestyle choice (he is bigger, taller and does more weights than me).

I also get to buy more expensive things (double loin lamb chops, yum), just for me. When we have a roast chicken he usually makes sure I get both wings, as I love them.

[suzannecaravaggio]

sounds quite primitive, I think thats how they do things in troops of chimps, the dominant male gets first choice etc,
might is right

[kickassangel]

Actually, I get told I'm cruel/mean if I'm dishing up food and don't automatically do Dad first, with the biggest and best portion. The rest of us don't wear a penis, so we have to make do with what's left after he gets first dibs. Thankfully, my parents reacted to the end of rationing by overcatering every meal since, so DSis and I grew up with sufficient nutrition. If my parents had been hard up, we would have had to go without.

[teenmumandsowhat]

My mum has always done, children first, and then the fusspots me who will only eat a certain cut of meat next. And then everyone else. And when it comes to seconds or desserts guests are always asked first.
And then after the meal. All who are old enough either make the tea/ coffee or do the washing up.

[pamish]

Vegetarian life is simpler.
.