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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re. The sharing out of meat?

247 replies

ifgrandmahadawilly · 20/02/2016 20:25

My partners family seem to have the idea that the men in the family get best pick of the meet.

I noticed once before when my partners mother cooked a roast that she asked the men which cuts they wanted. I was a bit bemused by this but she's generally a bit weird, uptight and controlling about food anyway, so i thought it was just one of her foibles.

Anyway, my partner's family has been staying with us for the past few days and as they were leaving today i did a roast. My partner always dishes out because I'm a bit clumsy and disorganised. But, HE then proceeded to ask the men which cut of the chicken they prefer and took the tastiest parts for himself and his sister's bf. Obviously, afterwards, I was like ' WTF was that?' Fully expecting some sort of concession from my partner that this was utter bellendry on his part. However, he actually tried to defend hos position. Saying that they are men and that's the way it is and they need more calories, blah, blah, blah.

I've told him I'm never cooking for his family again. Fuck them.

Who ibu?

OP posts:
Ijustshatadiamond · 20/02/2016 22:05

Bollocks to that.
In our house the hierachy is guest children, guest adults, children and adults.

Seeing as dh, the dc and myself all like different bits of the roast it usually works out well.

However if there are no guests in the house then I get the leftover Yorkshire pudding (5 people eating yp, 6 hole tin) as cooks privilege. If there are guests, they get first dibs on the yorkie.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/02/2016 22:05

Whoah there back up abit, how come you are able enough to prepare and cook a roast but when it comes to carving the meat you are 'clumsy and disorganised'...I'm hoping your DH didn't tell you this elbow you out of the way so that he and the manly men could snarf the biggest best bits Hmm

Eminado · 20/02/2016 22:06

This is totally normal in my experience of African families Blush

Thank goodness for the PP from SE asia for confirmation.

And yes, they do consider us inferior.
If there is not enough meat to go round (highly likely) women and children get none.

Katarzyna79 · 20/02/2016 22:07

i love this thread!!!

AlpacaLypse · 20/02/2016 22:07

We always serve oldest guest first (usually my mum), then everyone else round the table apart from DP, then he gets asked what he'd like, to which he always replies 'a couple of slices' or something else innocuous, then me.

He has a minor disability which doesn't affect our lives very much, except that his handwriting is terrible and he cannot carve for toffee, hence me always doing it. Thankfully my dad taught me how to do it.

Seconds are offered impartially to anyone who finishes their plate, but only after I've finished mine.

I'm rather good at making sure there'll be plenty of leftovers, especially yorkshire puddings. Food of the gods...

Neoncheerio · 20/02/2016 22:07

mil always serves my son first. If we eat dinner together, she will push his highchair to the head of the table, put out his food and then start serving everyone else. She says it's because he's a man and needs to be served first. He's only 10 months old!!

Kit30 · 20/02/2016 22:10

Don't ever ever condescend to cook for them again. All the patriarchal rubbish about men needing more meat. History isn't to blame, misogyny is.
Bra burnt.

lorelei9 · 20/02/2016 22:10

open, if that was my MIL, we'd not be speaking.

BuggersMuddle · 20/02/2016 22:12

thatwould In this house it's the other way round. I mean, I am actually perfectly capable of cooking a roast with stuffing or Yorkshires or whatever as needed, but I have a high level of cba when it comes to stuffing / Yorkshires / proper gravy Grin

This means that we either share cooking a roast dinner, or DP cooks it an I carve (because I am much better at carving than he is, unless you like your roast served in slabs). This does not bother us one bit, but does boggle the odd family member / guest when DP finishes making the gravy and asks me to carve.

Original poster
ifgrandmahadawilly · 20/02/2016 22:16

I really am just clumsy and disorganised when carrying plates / juggling dishes, mainly because of an eye problem I have. I did specifically ask him for help dishing up.

I do often get the sense that my partner feels that my needs come second to his (whether this is based on his maleness or if he's just a bit self important generally i don't know). It does mean I've become a more assertive person over the years.

I'm from a family where the women do all of the domestic shit and the men sit on their arses, which isn't my natural inclination at all! I'm very anxious that this not be the way in my household - hence why I took so much offence to this whole meat issue.

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 20/02/2016 22:17

I thought it was The Done Thing to serve women first? That's how I was brought up anyway. Not that that's particularly better.

SanityClause · 20/02/2016 22:18

DH almost always carves for us, mostly because there's always lots of dishing up for a east, so it's helpful to have two of us doing it.

He learnt to carve from watching Fanny Craddock (i.e. a woman) on the television (a repeat or a recording, not the actual thing - we're not that old!).

summerdreams · 20/02/2016 22:20

I was brought up with kids getting served first to stop the nagging aswell. I now do the same for my son yanbu.

Ludways · 20/02/2016 22:20

I remember this happening when I was s kid in the 70's, not only in my grandparents generation. My parents didn't do it and neither do I! I eat so little neat that I get first choice,, I then pile what's left into everyone's else's plates.

lorelei9 · 20/02/2016 22:21

OP "I'm very anxious that this not be the way in my household"

quite right too and grandma doesn't need a willy to put her foot down. Grin

SevenOfNineTrue · 20/02/2016 22:23

I used to see this as a kid. The men always got the best of everything as they were the 'providers'.

MLGs · 20/02/2016 22:23

As it happens I'm not very good at carving (or slicing bread) even though I'm perfectly OK at cooking. I can do it obviously, but inexpertly.

In my family, certain people really liked a leg, and you almost had to inherit the right to one. So my grandfather always liked a leg, and when first db came along he liked it too, so he had one. Most of us preferred breast, so no issue, but second db always wanted a leg. I don't think he was allowed one at full family meals until dgf died!

(OK that might be an exaggeration but close to the truth!)

Baconyum · 20/02/2016 22:24

Also veggie roast in my house is interesting! Ex was not veggie but daft to buy a whole chicken just for him so would get breast or steak or chop or whatever. Dd now likes a roast and she has similar she's having gammon steak tomorrow.

But even when I think back (and my dad is a sexist knob!) but he wouldn't dream of depriving my mum of food or a quality of food!

My grandparents were very poor some weeks I'm sure Sunday would have been the only day they had meat! Not inc fish on fri in that. Both granda's did 2 jobs each both manual and very hard going. Both Grans also worked 2 jobs plus everything that needed done at home (and I know one didn't get a washing machine till the year after I was born)

The only concession to 'men need more calories' was the men got an extra slice bread n butter on the side.

Neither of my granda's would have stood for it either!

KP86 · 20/02/2016 22:26

Bruised fruit? Oh, if only I were that special...

This does make me laugh!

spacepoodle · 20/02/2016 22:30

This is very weird. I would be fuming if my DH did that but not likely to happen as he can't carve meat for shit.

MIL always gives me much smaller portions than my DH because I'm female. I dread cooking for her because she always makes such a fuss about how much food there is and how she "couldn't possibly" eat it all. Don't then Hmm

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/02/2016 22:30

Thanks Buggers and ifgrand as long as it's how you feel rather being told you're clumsy etc. There's plenty of time DH will offer to serve if I cba but if he did it just so that he could serve himself a bigger/better portion heads would roll!

openthecurtains · 20/02/2016 22:38

lorelei I do in fact actively avoid her as she is constantly awful to me. The roast/bruised fruit thing is very much at the nice end of her behaviour! So I make myself scarce when she visits which means DH has to cook for her!

Chippednailvarnish · 20/02/2016 22:39

I was also taught ladies first and I believe silver service would be the same, with the host being served last...

TitClash · 20/02/2016 22:42

Thats very, very old fashioned.
When my Mum and Auntie were younger, the men would eat first, then the kids, then the women would get whatever was left.
This was a big extended working class family.

Seeyounearertime · 20/02/2016 22:51

Sounds like something from the Flintstones.

Personally i don't do roasts, i buy the ready cooked strips of chicken breast and do them in the slow cooker with the veg and have it with stuffing and mash etc.