To think that any man who takes 35 years to stop cheating on his wife is no "prize"?

[Cerseirys]

Depressing article in today's Guardian. The husband in question sounds like a complete creep yet his wife stuck with him through it all and now, after 35 years, he's finally stopped cheating on her and she thinks that's her reward for standing by her man.

AIBU to find it sad that some women put up with this? And before anyone says that maybe she was happy with the situation, it's quite clear in the article that she wasn't.

Mind you she probably had to read Archer's books too. And be nice about them.

She also knew when she married him that he "broke one heart after another". They married young before he was ready to break that pattern.

But he wasn't ready to break the pattern until he was 50!

I smell bullshit. It mentions reading his texts 30 years ago. Errr texting didn't even exist 30 years ago!

And I agree with a PP that finding her H and her best friend shagging on a rug sounds completely made-up.

perhaps she has stuck it out due to the fact that she has a plan....shes going to put him on a care home when he becomes old, ill, incontinent etc....and is gonna visit him weekly with a toyboy (hopefully) !

It's totally believable in my view. Someone very close to me was in a very similar situation during 25 years of marriage. Her DH slept with her best friend (after they returned from honeymoon), his secretary, other women at work, many of their mutual friends, neighbours, the list is endless. My friend kept a diary listing (honestly) several hundred names. I suggested she find a way to profit from her suffering and write a book about it (believe me, the truth of what she went through is far stranger than any fiction). Her reasoning for staying with him was very similar to the lady in the Guardian article. They spent a fortune on joint psychiatric counselling in an attempt to stop his philandering. I don't think they ever found an "answer" other than "he just couldn't help it" apparently. Eventually he left my friend for a very much younger woman - (a relationship that lasted some 10 years, two children, but eventually split).

For anyone saying it's an unbelievable story - it's really not - I have seen this happen in reality first-hand. My friend's situation slightly different because everyone was well aware of what was going on, he knew she knew etc.

I know of several other women who put up with serial-shagger husbands. I think it's much more prevalent than people may think. Sadly, for some women, the thought of being alone and struggling financially makes staying with their unfaithful husband worth all the heartache. In addition, the pain it causes to families and friends is heartbreaking, I'm thinking here of children, elderly parents etc. Very easy to criticise this lady's choices but I have seen someone crucify themselves over whether or not to leave in this situation. My heart goes out to any woman in this position because it's not always a straightforward choice.

It's like Mumsnet bingo in this thread!

SAHMs are asking for their husbands to cheat?

I read that article and thought it was very unlikely. A PP's comparison to Rupert Campbell-Black was spot on. I'm not sure why they put it on the cover of the Family section either, it seems so DM-ish.

I'm going to stop buying the bloody thing. £2.70 is a lot just for Tim Dowling.

Whether it's genuine or not is one thing; but there is absolutely nothing in it that is unlikely in my experience. She sounds like every other wife of a philanderer I've ever met. From the staying for the kids and the lifestyle, to loving him, to seeing him as some kind of prize. Even down to wanting to we all the other women off.

The texts weren't 30 years ago. They were after people started using mobile phones, so early - mid 90s.

RCB was based on Andrew Parker Bowles - another serial philanderer.

It doesn't feel genuine to read. Feels made up.

And I hope it is, as anyone who engineers being hospitalised and away form their children in order to 'win' this amazing 'prize' is as selfish, fucked up and awful as the 'prize' they are after. Poor (hopefully fictional) kids.

All that time and effort keeping herself 'nice and available' that could have been better spent working out how to make his death appear accidental

I think the posters who think it's made up are in just in denial that there are quite a lot of women like this.

How do you think women who stay with philanderers rationalise their choices?

The thing that amazes me most about this is not that there are some women would put up with this behaviour (tragic as that is), and certainly not that there are some men would be philanderers given the chance, but that there seem to be no shortage of women who seem willing to jump into bed with such a man - even friends and neighbours who will not only be aware of his reputation but are also willing betray a friend/acquaintance!.... especially as these type of men seem to be smarmy sleazeballs! Yes, of course there will be some women who'll go with these kind of men, but for this to continue, they must be out there in droves!! Perhaps I am just being blind or naïve here?

It's very common. I know someone who does this to his wife (and by the way I have always rejected his advances - there are plenty of single men around). I would estimate he had had about 4 women a year for every year of a 30 year marriage if not more. His wife does know although he tries to make sure it is not thrown in her face.

I'm glad to say that I don't (knowingly) know anyone or any couple like this in real life, nor would I want to. I'm not actually sure I believe the article. It has a ring of Jackie magazines in the 1970s, where the stories and advice basically told teenage girls that life was about getting and keeping your man in the teeth of competition from other girls and women. Yuck. I think his behaviour is despicable, and the level of deceit and lack of trust in the relationship is mind-boggling. I don't see how either of them could be happy with that - I know I couldn't.

Gosh it is so true. My be is't because I'm divorced but men have confided in me. I even had a client (silly silly man) telling me all about his love affair and trying to decide if he should stay married and another one who had sought counselling without his wife knowing for sex addiction (ie cannot keep his pants on) and has now married his lover (and then appallingly asked me out - I thought he'd found new love). Some of these men never change and by the way a good few women repeatedly cheat too.

I don't condone any of this at all and I think women should not tolerate men like this for a meal ticket. But there are a lot around. Boris Johnson's wife has apparently even tolerated his love child (something Boris Becker's wife and Mick Jagger's wives ultimately could not accept) and stayed married to him. Mind you these women might be playing away as much as the men - who knows? Men are much more likely to admit to adultery than women. Men tend to double their number of sexual partners if asked and women halve their numbers.

Women are pressured to stay in some cases. The article i linked upthread is an interview with Kath Rathband who says she was pressured to stay with her husband despite eight affairs.
She also had the hero rhetoric to contend with which would have increased the pressure.
What happened to him was mind blowingly awful. But that shouldnt have meant she should have accepted that kind of behaviour.

all that time and effort keeping herself"nice and available" that could have been better spent working out how to make his death appear accidental

I also know a man who was like this. Charming, charismatic and sex obsessed. Army background, cheated on his wife three years after their marriage, worked easy from home a lot so had a lot of opportunities to cheat. She knew about a lot of his affairs but chose to stay with him as she knew he'd always come back to her. Lived in a massive house with a swimming pool. He's the same age as this guy. Last thing I knew, he'd persuaded her to try swinging and she'd agreed to it as she was so desperate to keep him!

Destiny

I'm surprised at some of the anger at the wife expressed here. I wouldn't stay with man like this for a second in fact that kind of man wouldn't be my taste in the first place. The wife however, doesn't owe anyone else an explanation for her life choices, it sounds as though she doesn't regret her faustian bargain. The husband sounds awful and a walking sexual harassment liability, the wife clearly wants us to get the impression that his cheating is a kind of sex addiction that he can't help - the anecdote about groping a pregnant woman in public is meant to give us that impression I think. Probably how she makes herself feel better that her husband loves getting sex from women that aren't her. Well she's missed out on the chance to be completely loved and adored by someone who only wants her body.

My only real problem with her decision is that it's highly likely that their children have been affected by their father's behaviour. It's probable they realised their father was a philanderer a longtime ago.

He's 50, been cheating on her for 35 years (but apparently stopped 5 years ago) and they met at uni getting engaged when she turned 22?

The maths doesn't add up to me

He's not 50 he's 55ish as has been said 100 times on the thread

But was 50 when he stopped cheating - which makes him 15 when they met/married.

He's a creep and I don't understand her thinking but I think that a bit of sensationalist journalism is at play here.