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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that any man who takes 35 years to stop cheating on his wife is no "prize"?

203 replies

Cerseirys · 20/02/2016 08:55

Depressing article in today's Guardian. The husband in question sounds like a complete creep yet his wife stuck with him through it all and now, after 35 years, he's finally stopped cheating on her and she thinks that's her reward for standing by her man.

AIBU to find it sad that some women put up with this? And before anyone says that maybe she was happy with the situation, it's quite clear in the article that she wasn't.

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 20/02/2016 10:26

My ex FIL was like this. Though it was common knowledge, my Exh refused to believe it. Ex MIL used to refer to it sometimes, it was often with her friends. Now he is in his 80's he has stopped, but I think it went on well into his 60's. They had been married since they were 18.

For that age group social status and 'what other people think' is important, and that is why I think the wives often stay, esp if they are financially dependant on their husbands and have never supported themselves.

brightnearly · 20/02/2016 10:28

If he's 50 now, they were 15 when they got married? Am I missing something?

VagueIdeas · 20/02/2016 10:28

What an utterly miserable, wasted life.

iwuddarryl · 20/02/2016 10:31

There's no reason for him to stay now.
Next person he cheats with could be the one he leaves her for.

After all, why stay with an older woman, ''a doormat who actually watched me having sex and said nothing, read my emails to OW and said nothing, let me grope people in front her... and said nothing.
He'll, she even let me bring my girlfriends to family events and said nothing.
She said nothing for 35 years!''

If I were her husband I would have serious doubts about staying with a person who behaves in such a dismissive, 'dont care' flippant manner.

I think her whole plan will have been for nothing and we I'll seriously backfire. She has done irreparable damage by never confronting him about any of his affairs.
Because of this, he will have ZERO respect for her.

JessicaJones · 20/02/2016 10:31

He's 55. They got together at university when they were 20. He 'stopped cheating' when he was 50, 5 years ago.

iwuddarryl · 20/02/2016 10:33

He won't have stopped cheating.

That we can all agree on

FelicityFunknickle · 20/02/2016 10:40

Oh good on him for turning it around and being faithful for so long
And good on her for standing by her man.
It's like a fucking fairy tale. She's living the dream.

Dothedance · 20/02/2016 10:45

I was aghast reading this! What a life to subject yourself to for the sake of keeping up appearances. Sad, depressing and an absolute waste! And I bet he hasn't stopped cheating.

Yseulte · 20/02/2016 10:45

It's astonishing that some women see even the sorriest dick as a kind of prize.

In this case a sex addict/sex pest dick.

Boomingmarvellous · 20/02/2016 10:45

I can understand staying with an unfaithful man for the sake of your children.

I can understand forgiving someone once.

I can't understand loving someone who shows such contempt for her and her feelings.

Very sad story.

Yseulte · 20/02/2016 10:47

Of course he hasn't stopped cheating. He just spends more time with her that's all. Realistically, her days are numbered as his wife now they're both hitting 50. She has a window of Pyrrhic victory until she gets dumped for a 30 yr old.

Petal02 · 20/02/2016 10:48

Sorry, but I still can't work out if he knew she was aware of his cheating? If he thought she didn't know, that's a bit different to being fully aware that she'd turn a blind eye to his activities? Neither perspective makes it right though.

TheAlchemist101 · 20/02/2016 10:50

Sounds like Brian Archer

motherinferior · 20/02/2016 10:51

She's dropped her friends for this creep, and dedicated her life to 'looking good' for him...

And no, at 55 he really won't have become 'too old' for this. I'm 52 and know quite a few attractive blokes of my age - all of whom appear to be v happily married to lovely women, I'm not suggesting they're sleaze hounds like this bloke, just that he's highly unlikely to have become so doddery nobody's fancying him.

TheAlchemist101 · 20/02/2016 10:51

"Brian Aldridge in The Archers" Blush

Claraoswald36 · 20/02/2016 10:52

She's got a strange idea of what's 'worth it'. She could have left him at the christening, met someone else and been remarried, had a fabulous life and more babies with a man who cherished her. That would have been 'worth it'

Destinysdaughter · 20/02/2016 10:53

This sorry tale is a classic example of that quote, 'when someone tells you who they are, listen!'

Wolpertinger · 20/02/2016 10:57

Initially I felt sad for her. Then I realised she was just as manipulative as he was. She sounded like Carmela Soprano.

She came up with a strategy to make him marry her, a strategy to hang on to him and keep her lifestyle, both of them colluded in the farce pretending that neither knew about the affairs.

The most telling bit was that after she came back from hospital - clearly he's rolling in money as most people wouldn't go to hospital for what she described, he'd realised that she was useful to have around so dumped he other woman but he'd also realised she knew his game and discovered passwords so he could carry on more discreetly with someone else. He didn't stop, he just got better at the game and she was happy with that.

I see this sort of couple at work - you think one of them is a shit and the other is lovely but after a few days it becomes abundantly clear that the lovely one is just as bad and they are really a duo.

Original poster
Cerseirys · 20/02/2016 11:06

You know, I just reread the article and agree with the PPs who say she's just as bad. The last paragraph in particular drips with condescension for other women. The way she crows that she's got him and they haven't. He ain't much of a prize love!

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 20/02/2016 11:07

She came up with a strategy to make him marry her, a strategy to hang on to him and keep her lifestyle, both of them colluded in the farce pretending that neither knew about the affairs

Exactly!

Gobbolino6 · 20/02/2016 11:12

She seems to have a view of women that was years out of date even 40 years ago.

Wolpertinger · 20/02/2016 11:14

Oh and he's still working - so he's still having affairs, she just doesn't know it. He probably has them with work colleagues not mutual friends any more. Or shags a sex worker on the way home from work.

Anyway, not to worry, as she has beaten the whole of womankind to win this great prize of manhood and live in a nicer house than us Confused

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/02/2016 11:15

So the prize is the serial cheat of a man. Winning the pick me dance is hardly something to be proud of.

I know of a couple of women who stay with their husbands as they don't want to give up the lifestyle. It's very sad, especially when you see them all playing 'happy families' when it's all just an act. Hardly a positive role model for their children.

DickDewy · 20/02/2016 11:15

I wonder if it's a true story?

I don't feel sorry for her - she knew what was going on and made the decision to stay. Presumably this has had no impact on their children, I am guessing they never knew.

She doesn't seem to regret her choices and she doesn't say she is unhappy. I'll bet lots of women put up with philandering husbands.

startingmylifeagain · 20/02/2016 11:19

Did she actually refer to women who kick out their cheating husbands as "foolish?!"

Any sympathy I had for her just vanished when I read that.

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