Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that any man who takes 35 years to stop cheating on his wife is no "prize"?

203 replies

Cerseirys · 20/02/2016 08:55

Depressing article in today's Guardian. The husband in question sounds like a complete creep yet his wife stuck with him through it all and now, after 35 years, he's finally stopped cheating on her and she thinks that's her reward for standing by her man.

AIBU to find it sad that some women put up with this? And before anyone says that maybe she was happy with the situation, it's quite clear in the article that she wasn't.

OP posts:
Wolpertinger · 20/02/2016 11:20

The kids knew. Kids aren't stupid. Even if they don't actually physically know about the affairs they have learnt relationships are all about pleasing the man at all times. The episode where Mum was deeply unhappy won't have passed them by either.

She thinks she's made a nice happy family and I'm glad they are close but it would interesting to see her kids point of view. I very much doubt it's the same as hers.

BathtimeFunkster · 20/02/2016 11:22

She sounds like a right knob, but no way is she as bad as him.

That is real victim blaming.

She did her best to win in a world that tells women that they have no value without a man.

He was unspeakably cruel to her for years.

How is that equal?

He hurt her profoundly and has left her damaged and broken.

She has spun herself delusional stories to justify her crap situation.

To blame a woman for being scheming and manipulative and say it is as bad as a cruel man treating her like shit for years is Basic Sexism: Woman Are Fundamentally Evil, Men Are Just Unintentionally a Bit Crap.

DickDewy · 20/02/2016 11:22

Yes, it would be interesting to get her children's point of view.

deregistered · 20/02/2016 11:22

Dickdewy - I doubt it's true, I think anon stories are dubious and so easy to get away with. I think Guardian should only run 'real' stories where the person will be pictured, even if obscured.

As for her getting the 'prize', it's quite sad that she doesn't realise that none of her friends will be jealous.

They might think he's good looking, they might have shagged him, but they won't be jealous of her life.

All they will say is 'poor/stupid cow for staying with him - he's tried it on with all of us over the years, do you think she knows?'.

And in 5 years time 'He used to be sexy but now he's 60 and still groping us every time she leaves the room, he's more of a dirty old man'.

Stanky · 20/02/2016 11:23

You see it a bit with footballer ' s wives don't you? The women know that their husbands have sex with other women, but they get to be married to a famous, millionaire, so put up with a lot. It probably goes on quite a bit really.

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 11:25

She did her best to win in a world that tells women that they have no value without a man.

Many women who have been in this situation have managed to leave and not be treated in this way. She chooses to. I don't see any victim here.

Original poster
Cerseirys · 20/02/2016 11:26

The Guardian have closed comments on the article now. It's interesting that she doesn't specify exactly how she knows he's no longer cheating. It could be that he's just got better at covering his tracks. And now that the kids have all left home etc I'd have thought it's the riskiest time for her. What's to stop him from leaving her for a younger woman now?

OP posts:
blue25 · 20/02/2016 11:26

I don't feel sorry for this woman. She had choices-she could have ended the marriage. Probably too concerned with keeping up appearances of the perfect marriage/life. She was complicit in the whole situation.

deregistered · 20/02/2016 11:27

Bathtime - he told her and everyone else who he was before they even got together. She played a game to get him to marry her, knowing that she would have to do just that - play a game i.e. not be herself. She was very stupid. Yes he has been very cruel. But it's not victim blaming to call them both out. Her on her misplaced pride and stupidity and him on his cruelty and lack of respect and care for her.

Yseulte · 20/02/2016 11:28

Petal It's not clear if he knew she knew. She asked him if he'd ever thought about being infaithful and he denied it, shocked and and dismayed.

He turned a blind eye to her turning a blind eye.

DickDewy · 20/02/2016 11:31

Stanky Victoria Beckham famously did just that and I bet she doesn't regret it.

lalalonglegs · 20/02/2016 11:32

I would have said it wasn't uncommon 50 or more years ago but they met in the 1980s - it seems crazy that any woman would agree to this sort of, ahem, arrangement. And, if it is to be believed, she went into it with her eyes wide open, having worked out that the best way to land this catch was to withhold sex. She didn't seem to like him very much - perhaps understandably. I found the whole thing - if it is to be believed - incomprehensible.

motherinferior · 20/02/2016 11:33

She is a few years older than I am. Feminism has been around a long, long time. We aren't merely deluded elderly victims of our upbringing and social circumstance. I am not saying she's as bad as he is but I am saying she has at least to some extent made choices about whether to stick with him - and cut off her female friends - or not. (She could have got a very nice alimony settlement, in any case.)

LittleBearPad · 20/02/2016 11:34

What a horrible life. He's still cheating, he's just better at covering his tracks.

Yseulte · 20/02/2016 11:34

I think they're both players with a slightly different game.

His game caused him no grief though. Hers is self-deleterious.

Yseulte · 20/02/2016 11:35

I have friends her age, they're feminists not surrendered wives. It's not like she's my parents' pre-feminist generation.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/02/2016 11:36

I can still be a bit sorry for her.

To have been 20, watching him shagging his way round uni, and be planning a strategy to 'get' him - well, I'm not feeling the warmth of a secure childhood there, are you? An upbringing that leaves a young woman feeling that this is the right way to select your life partner - well, I can but wonder what behaviour was modelled by her parents.

She has totally wasted her life. And just as I feel she was a product of her upbringing (FFS - "He was from a very army family and I knew that I was the “right” sort of girl for him") then their children will be a product of theirs, and the behaviour modelled by a philandering charmer and a determined ostrich. Poor children Sad.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/02/2016 11:39

And yes, he will still be cheating. He's just got the hang of the tech a lot better now, all the better to hide his affairs (the timing of discovering passwords was indicative). And yes Sad, he will leave her for a younger model. They are that cliched. Sad

JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/02/2016 11:40

Great post BathtimeFunkster, I especially like your beginner's guide to Basic Sexism: Women are Fundamentally Evil, Men are Just Unintentionally a Bit Crap Grin

Yseulte · 20/02/2016 11:40

I feel very sorry for her. It's one thing to discover after 35 years that DH has been cheating all that time. It's another to choose that.

She's basically nuked her own life.

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 11:43

She must know that it's possible he could leave her for a younger woman. She's deluded herself into ruining her life. Shame though when he dumps her, but really it's what she chose.

Pseudo341 · 20/02/2016 11:44

All she wants is to have a "nice life", which clearly to her means "lots of money and and attractive husband". Well she got what she wanted. Though I have to say her husband sounds anything but attractive to me, but I think we all know the type, good looking and superficially charming. It's not what I'd want, but each to their own. I guess having stuck with it for so long she's convinced herself to be happy she's "won". Sounds like she's lost most of her friends and wasted years when she could have been with someone who treated her with respect, but hey at least she's got a nice house.

Yseulte · 20/02/2016 11:45

Any anonymous account could be invented, but there are many women who stick with cheats for good, how do you think they justify their choice? Pretty much like this. It's fairly standard.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 20/02/2016 11:46

Two bits jump out at me here...

I had no idea how long they had been seeing each other but by morning I was sure of only two things – we were staying married and from now on I would know everything.

Within a week, he had me at the doctor, completely out of his depth as family life ground to a halt. I don’t know if I had a breakdown or if I engineered it, if I’m honest.

This woman is a fucking fruit loop and I actually have no sympathy for her. When she says she didn't want the children "suffering financially"'I'm fairly sure she means that she didn't want to suffer financially and that's at the heart of it. What a sad way to live your life.

Viviennemary · 20/02/2016 11:46

I've not read this. But it wouldn't surprise me if he had money. A lot of women would prefer a nice life with a cheat rather than a life on benefits. She obviously did what she felt was right for her and her family.

Swipe left for the next trending thread