To think that any man who takes 35 years to stop cheating on his wife is no "prize"?

[Cerseirys]

Depressing article in today's Guardian. The husband in question sounds like a complete creep yet his wife stuck with him through it all and now, after 35 years, he's finally stopped cheating on her and she thinks that's her reward for standing by her man.

AIBU to find it sad that some women put up with this? And before anyone says that maybe she was happy with the situation, it's quite clear in the article that she wasn't.

It's not like she's my parents' pre-feminist generation.

My grandmother is 89 and a feminist.

There has been feminism since at least Mary Wollstonecraft.

But we all still live in a "pre-feminist" generation, in that feminism is not standard and women are still subject to damaging sexism.

There are still women who think like this (fictional) woman.

And sadly, there are still women who identify as feminists who blame them for actions taken to protect themselves against men doing them harm.

Sure, she has made a lot of choices that have left her where she is.

But if the man she married had treated her as a human being who mattered, she wouldn't have had to.

Husband's account would also be interesting. He does sound utterly dislikeable but she also sounds like she is controlling the home absolutely. Now he is older she is coming into her own as a dominating matriarch.

A sad home where they are 'close' but no-one can actually have an honest conversation about their feelings.

I can't help but feel the kids are going to turn up on 'Stately Homes'.

Sure, I'm talking about the wave of 60s & 70s feminism that was too late to ensure my mum's generation for women got good educations en masse, and weren't brought up to be good housewives.

Awful piece. No challenge to her assumption that a lifetime with a miserable mother and faithless, distracted father was better for her children than a "broken" home / being financially disadvantaged. Apparently bringing up her children to subjugate their happiness and self respect to keep this amazing catch. She lost many friends. So an isolated life so when he finally (she thinks) pays attention to their relationship she gets to dote on thrir grandchildren and ho to cookery lessons with him. Still full of rage and hurt.
Absolutely not a life choice I could contemplate. Nor could I entertain 'teaching' my children to live a life of misery for some money. What a self-centred misery.

I think Victoria Beckham's situation is slightly different - she forgave David for one affair, not years and years of cheating. And it does appear that he's remained faithful since (although obviously we'll never know fore sure).

And Victoria won't have forgiven David just to keep her nice house and nice lifestyle, as she was very wealthy in her own right.

Agree with bathtimefunkster. Probably this is an invented scenario, but we presumably all know that there are plenty of women who think any man is better than none at all, and they didn't come up with that idea by themselves. There are often quite powerful economic incentives at play too, and again this state of affairs isn't the exclusive creation of the women involved.

Where did his age come from, he must be older than 50, if he has been unfaithful to his wife for 35 years?

I very nearly forgave my first husband's cheating, because I was terrified of being on my own, and needed two salaries to pay the bills. But eventually I came to realise I deserved better, my friends had been telling me this for months, so I plucked up the courage to divorce him. I met a lovely guy soon after, and we're very happy.

But I do know that leaving a marriage is really hard, no matter how valid your reason for leaving.

Quote from the article I think he stopped seeing other women about five years ago, when we both reached 50 and our first grandchild was born.

So he's 55 not 50.

I'm talking about the wave of 60s & 70s feminism that was too late to ensure my mum's generation for women got good educations en masse, and weren't brought up to be good housewives.

Now young women are being brought up to have jobs AND do the vast majority of the domestic work.

To believe that everything is equal now and it "just makes sense" that married women render themselves invisible with new names (because their old ones were ugly/silly/unimportant).

To believe that a woman who is on leave after having a baby is responsible for looking after her husband and making sure his life is nice and easy once he has a baby.

That they are going to immediately become barren old crones at 35 and need to have children yesterday.

That relationships are "hard work" and involve lots of "compromise".

That being dignified (the right kind of woman) is more important than being happy.

Lots of young women now are the "pre-feminist generation".

Absolutely, Bathtime Funkster. How is she as bad as him? Who did she hurt?

Somehow along the way she hasn't grasped the upper middle class way. Her DH was never going to leave her for her best friend and the best friend was always going to get married. It made me thing of Charles and Camilla circles. Or Jilly Cooper. She clearly hints she is from that kind of class/money. In Camilla's marriage both of them were having affairs and they bundled along quite happily like this for ages.

At the point she saw him shagging on the bedroom floor she should either have chucked him out or agreed openly this was the way it was. She would then have been free to have her nice life but without all that exhausting checking and monitoring and could have gone off to shag a tennis coach or riding instructor once in a while. Or got divorced, gone back to teaching and found a much nicer man to live with - clearly this option was discounted in less than 24 hours.

Instead she opts for a lifetime of monitoring and manipulation which is frankly just exhausting and honestly doesn't make the man want to come home to her anyway, even if she has 'made sure she's slim', aargh.

It was grim reading.

I feel sorry for her

But she is rather smug my man came back everytime

Men and women who constantly cheat don't change just less opportunities come their way my dad is still chasing women in his 70's his wife thought he would settle down but she also likes the security and nice trappings he offers her

I have a friend who was determined that her boyfriend became her husband, she never seemed particularly happy with him, he was selfish from the start which she accepted but she wanted him or rather no one else was to have him. He didn't change after marriage and three children he than started staying away often for work for a while he was better behaved then be was back to being himself again. This went on for years then one day she got fed up and divorced him. She says they both accepted they were no longer in love. I think she accepted that he was no longer worth having and finally she could allow someone else have him

Where did I say everything was equal now?

Many women of my mum's generation didn't have access to a decent education. My mother was taught to cook, sew and flower arrange. University for women then was rare unless you were from an intellectual background.

Now more women than men go to university. Women may not choose to take it but they have equal access to good education.

Forgiving someone once is risky, twice is just giving a green light for a future of misery. I have a zero tolerance on cheating and have ended two relationships and a marriage due to this. I can't be arsed with the emotional roller coaster the aftermath causes.

Where did I say everything was equal now?

You didn't.

I'm just boggled by the idea we are now in a "post-feminism generation" and therefore choices that were clearly made in an entirely sexist context can b wholly blamed on the woman making them.

As someone pointed out - whom did she hurt?

I know you weren't one of the people saying she was just as bad, but you seemed to offer an explanation for why people might think it was OK to blame her for her husband's philandering.

Although, that's not uncommon either. Just not usually feminists doing it.

"Oh, there's been feminism for ages, so she's no excuse."

Seriously?

So any woman younger than my great grandmother who got a shitty deal due to living in and accepting the norms of a sexist society had only herself to blame then.

Fair enough.

Why on earth does she think he has stopped?

Much more likely that his affairs are with younger women now outside her own circle of friends.

I personally don't think either of them sound very nice people. FFS a man who shags on his child's nursery floor is not a 'prize', her using withholding sex to ensnare her man, created the framework of her marriage from the start.

I was going to post that people do have issues. That if you chose to marry someone with these issues for money or children then that's your look out.

But on re reading it's just a horrible way to live. I can't imagine not having friends because my husband would shag them. Not being a perfect wife and mother in case he leaves. And then having to have a breakdown to keep him. Especially when she's in a great position to leave him and chooses not to.

Wolpertinger: fab post!

Why is she so sure he has stopped shagging about? Maybe he's just decided to hide his shitty behaviour better? I think that's probably more likely. The fact he didnt before makes me think he really enjoyed her knowing about it all.

No sympathy for her at all. She kept up this sham of a marriage for her own selfish reasons- money and lifestyle. their "lovely life". ha!

Bathtime - they were pretty equal when they met at Uni. In fact she used sex ( or lack of) to get his attention- knowing it was his weak spot.

Perhaps she isn't hurting anyone directly but she does go against everything women have been trying to overcome for decades. In some counteries her life would be over ( literally in some cases) if she divorced him. Some women still have to marry "well". But nope, she stays married because it makes her better than all the others who would have liked to.
And I agree. He'll get a younger model if the next few years once he works out how to maximise the divorce in his favour.

She was hurting herself emotionally/mentally, and therefore hurting her children. Yes it was him shagging around but she had a choice and made the wrong one.
She knew what he was like and went after him anyway. There is no love in this story. It was always about money/status.

Wow, how fucked up is she?

What a prize at the end of all that

I don't feel sorry for this woman. She married somebody who continued to cheat on her and she permitted this, thereby giving him the message that it was 'ok' to do that. Being a parent is the ultimate responsibility and both of them put themselves and their wants/fears first. She is almost as negligent a parent as her husband and the two deserve each other.

I feel sorry for the children who've had rubbish examples to follow and goodness knows how those lessons will play out as they're in relationships of their own.

Totally agree with Ijustwanadance

... and Sighing who has nailed what I was getting at.