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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more support from in laws??

56 replies

littlestlily · 19/02/2016 21:14

AIBU to expect more support from my in laws?
My family do so much, helping us out at a moments notice, even though my parents are in their 80's and not in great health.
My 9 year old DD was taken into hospital on Wednesday for an emergency appendectomy, was very sudden and immensely scary for her and us, my mother came to stay the night and let my husband sleep in the next day and looked after the other 4 children including our very boisterous toddler.
My in laws mentioned they would come to the hospital to see DD, which I was amazed about as they would never usually do that, so I told DD and she was really pleased.
I then phoned them to see if they would bring me a microwave meal for dinner and they said they weren't actually coming and may pop in at home 'some time next week'
This really irked me as my mother had dropped everything and always does.
My MIL especially says some very hurtful things and my husband just passes it off as 'that's her way'
This possibly comes across as a petty grievance but it's one incident in a big catalogue of instances!
Conversely, she can't do enough for my BIL and his children 😡

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/02/2016 21:17

YANBU

ExitPursuedByABear · 19/02/2016 21:17

You can expect but you may not get. Hold your dd has recovered.

ExitPursuedByABear · 19/02/2016 21:17

Hope.

Swirlingasong · 19/02/2016 21:25

Don't expect anything of them. Disappointing a child in hospital is a horrible thing to do.

'That's her way' is, in my experience a family's way of coping with the fact that they have lived with behaviour they should not have had to experience.

Original poster

littlestlily · 19/02/2016 21:34

She has recovered, thanks 😊
I can't talk to my husband about it, even when the difference between my parents care and his is glaringly obvious, I know I should expect nothing but it really gets me down.
My DS was very ill in hospital for 2 nightmarish weeks when he was 8 weeks old, my parents came and lived at my house to look after the others, his went away!
And when we finally came home, me a complete nervous wreck , MIL ( who hadn't visited him ) said 'you made it sound like it was really bad!, a woman at my work had that (meningitis) and she was fine!'
I've never forgiven her for that comment, if I'd been less fragile I would have told her off, but I just sat there staring in disbelief!

OP posts:

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/02/2016 21:58

You are very lucky to have such involved caring parents.

Not everyone is as lucky. Your DH, for one.

I hope your daughter is feeling loads better and recovered from her ordeal. A scary time for you all.

Original poster

littlestlily · 19/02/2016 22:05

Your so right, I am immensely thankful for my lovely parents, I think it's because their so involved with my BILs children that it makes me angry for my husband sake, he doesn't see it so I never mention it, just boil inside with rage!

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 19/02/2016 22:09

Saying that about a child with meningitis shows what an awful woman she is so maybe her staying far away from your children is no bad thing. Your dm sounds a dote.

namechangedtoday15 · 19/02/2016 22:15

I have learned that you can't legislate for families. We are brought up that our own families are "normal" whatever that is. When you meet someone, get married etc, that person usually thinks their family is "normal" too. But normal is subjective.

Blondie1984 · 19/02/2016 22:29

I guess, from their perspective, they have raised their kids....they have "done their time" and now is their time to live their lives.....so as much as it sucks, you can't berate them for that....
Sounds like your family are great though so you are very lucky

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2016 22:39

"Conversely, she can't do enough for my BIL and his children"
So she plays favourites. Fair enough, you know where you stand.

So you make no effort for them in your future, ask them nothing, think of them not at all. And when the time comes that they need care, assistance, anything; I'm sure they have BIL's number.

Honestly, just write them out of your life.

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/02/2016 22:40

"it makes me angry for my husband sake, he doesn't see it so I never mention it, just boil inside with rage!"

If you are boiling inside with rage, OP, and if your DH is already passing it off "as 'that's her way'" I think you could reasonably assume that, even although you never mention it, he is already well aware of the different levels of involvement between his parents and your, and is probably already also well aware of your feelings on the matter.

It is truly horrible to feel your family are being ignored by one set of parents/grandparents, but it does sound as if your DH is accepting of their 'limitations', so probably least stressful (for you) to try in someway to let their behavior wash over you and expect nothing.

Fatmomma99 · 20/02/2016 00:31

others have said it, but I'm sorry for you. And - ultimately - sorry for them... I'm sure they will reap what they have sown.

MrsWhirling · 20/02/2016 00:44

I could have written your post, your set-up sounds identical to mine. I have accepted that is the way my inlaws are, we have tried and tried with them, but we get nothing back. Consequently they miss out on my two lovely children and all the wonderful things we do with my amazing parents. Recently my MIL made a snide comment abut us 'Favouring' my parents. To my shock my DH told her she couldn't have it both ways!!! Oh and if I had £1 for eveytime someone said: "It's her way..." I would be rich!

BackforGood · 20/02/2016 00:51

I agree with the last two posters.
It is disappointing, but ultimately, it's them that lose out.

PrimalLass · 20/02/2016 07:41

How many kids does your BIL have OP?

PennyDropt · 20/02/2016 07:49

Be thankful they don't interfere.

They sound wholly unempathetic.

You really don't want them around.

PittedOlive · 20/02/2016 07:58

I absolutely get the 'they've raised their children' argument, but the OP wasn't anticipating her ILs would come and do anything mildly radical like help out with her other four children. They said they would come and visit their eight-year-old granddaughter who is in hospital after emergency surgery. Now they can't be bothered and 'might' call to the house next week after she has been discharged. Emergency appendectomies, like a baby with meningitis, are clearly not anything to out yourself out for.

YANBU, OP.

switswoo81 · 20/02/2016 08:03

Exact same situation here. My mum and dad are amazing. My db who lives 3 hours away comes to visit regularly and dotes on her. Bil couldn't remember 13 month olds name when we bumped into him in town.
I say nothing dh is embarrassed enough.

Katenka · 20/02/2016 08:10

You are in similar boat to me.

My parents are fantastic. They came round straight away when dh needed an ambulance and sat with the kids.

Dhs parents moved 2.5 hours drive away last year. They have four bedrooms but won't put beds so no one can stay so it's five hours in a car to see them. On top of this mil makes digs that ds must be autistic because he is more lively than dd was.

I actually don't resent them. My mum and dad are great. If pil lived round the corner, it would drive me insane. They aren't that interested in my kids so I don't have to bother with them that much.

Suits me fine. I don't get on at dh about it because I know he is hurt and angry with them.

I did say something about the digs as ds is now hearing it and i don't like it. She got me a book on how to handle kids with autism for Christmas. He does now put his foot down when she starts. But we still don't go down the 'why don't they give a shit route'.

Dh resents his mum because she wasn't a great a mum either. Not awful but wouldn't ever do anything if it wasn't her type of thing. He got endless knitting sets for Christmas so he could sit quietly and learn how to knit.

On the other hand my mum and dad do even more for dbro and sil and they don't appreciate it all. Sil thinks nothing of cancelling mums visits if mum won't call in sick at work to help them out. Not talking emergencies, talking about weekends away etc.

Sils parents don't help her at all and she has ended up resenting my mum and dad and me for it.

I would rather not give a fuck about my pil than end up like sil who is full of resentment.

rageagainsttheBIL · 20/02/2016 08:12

I think the way your parents are throws your ILS behaviour into relief tbh.

If your parents weren't extremely helpful and devoted perhaps you'd not be so bothered. Although letting down your daughter was mean.

In their 80s and looking after 4 kids singlehandedly, is very impressive. Do you have siblings?

Do they live nearer BIL?

Katenka · 20/02/2016 08:12

Oh and on the plus side, dh is really good friends with my dad now.

Dh is the one that asks them to come on holiday and cooks for them. So while they put a lot into us and our kids, they have far better relationships with us and our kids than his parents do.

They have so many good times with us and our kids and know they can rely on us too.

MigGril · 20/02/2016 08:25

I feel your pain. And we've been lucky not to have any emergencies as my father doesn't live close enough to help anyway. But I'm sure someone could drop dead and in laws would forget to tell us. Makes me sad as our children are there only grandchildren and we have to endure comments like 'oh we don't see you enough'. When we go visit but we only live an hour away they are only just in their 60's, drive all over the UK for their hobby but never come visit us we have to go to them.

applecatchers36 · 20/02/2016 08:26

I have this but other way round my ILS are fantastic very involved and interested in DC will help out if DC sick etc..my own parents are not so involved. They have their own lives and wouldn't volunteer to help out if Dc sick. I just accept that is the way they are. Very appreciative and count my blessings with ILS but don't expect anything from my own parents. It's sad that they will consequently be less close to DC but I guess that is their choice. You have my sympathies not an easy situation.

newpup · 20/02/2016 09:00

I hear you! :-) My in-laws were obsessed with my sil's children ( same age as mine) visited them constantly, talked about them constantly, took them on holiday and made it very obvious they doted on them. Not much interest in our children. Suited me really as we did not have to spend much time with them.

Then Pils fell out with Sil and rarely see her and her DDs, now they want to see our Dds more often! They are teenagers now, they missed out on the baby and toddler and small child stage. Too late now, they are not close to them and it is their own fault!

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