AIBU to expect more support from in laws??

[littlestlily]

AIBU to expect more support from my in laws?
My family do so much, helping us out at a moments notice, even though my parents are in their 80's and not in great health.
My 9 year old DD was taken into hospital on Wednesday for an emergency appendectomy, was very sudden and immensely scary for her and us, my mother came to stay the night and let my husband sleep in the next day and looked after the other 4 children including our very boisterous toddler.
My in laws mentioned they would come to the hospital to see DD, which I was amazed about as they would never usually do that, so I told DD and she was really pleased.
I then phoned them to see if they would bring me a microwave meal for dinner and they said they weren't actually coming and may pop in at home 'some time next week'
This really irked me as my mother had dropped everything and always does.
My MIL especially says some very hurtful things and my husband just passes it off as 'that's her way'
This possibly comes across as a petty grievance but it's one incident in a big catalogue of instances!
Conversely, she can't do enough for my BIL and his children 😡

[5Hearts]

Similar situation here.
My only advice would be to accept this now and stop expecting anything from them.
As Maya Angelou said...when someone shows you who they are, believe them first time.
Wish I had fully realised this years ago and saved a lot of angst.

[yorkshapudding]

Do we have the same in laws? When DD was born she and I were both very unwell. DH was distraught thinking he might lose us both. My parents (who lived an hours drive away) were a great support to him while we were both in hospital and afterwards when we were recovering at home, for which I will always be so grateful, but PIL's (who live down the road) were nowhere to be seen. I have never quite forgiven them for this and find it particularly galling that if SIL or one of her DC's has so much as a sniffle they can't do enough. They are very jealous of the bond that my parents have with DD now and make lots of snide comments about us 'favouring' my parents. The fact is that my parents have been a consistent presence in DD's life from day one whereas PIL's would go months without seeing her if we didn't take her to visit and have never thought to include her in the (many) days out and holidays they have with SIL's DC. I feel sorry for my DH because it's like the more loving and attentive my parents are, the more it highlights that his don't give a shit. He tries not to show it but I can tell it hurts him when they favour his sister and her children so blatantly.

[RoboticSealpup]

They sound horrible, OP. I don't think I would want them in my children's lives much if I were you. That comment about the meningitis... I don't think I would have bothered with them after that, just stayed politely detached.

Your parents sound amazing but I don't know many people whose parents or PILs are involved to that extent, so I don't think you can measure your PILs against that baseline...

[TheFairyCaravan]

Both my children have been in hospital more times than I've had hot dinners. Neither my PILs nor my parents ever visited them or helped us out. Once DH was away for four months, he's in the Forces, and I had one child in one hospital and the other in another 35 miles away. It still didn't give either of them the push to get off their arses and help me out. I'm disabled too, so life's not easy.

My children are 19 & 21 now. They've never been babysat by my parents, never been to stay with them. My in-laws had them for 3 nights while I had major surgery and moaned every minute. My parents can't do enough for my sister and her kids and PILs bend over backwards for both SILs.

Some people are just horrible and inconsiderate. It sounds like your PILs fall into that category.

[Sometimesithinkimbonkers]

I've got 3dc and ds2 is a "frequent flyer" in the local children's ward. DS is 6 and spent pretty much most of his first year in and out of hospital. mil has visited twice and FIL never!!! They live 3 miles from the hospital My DO lived 230 miles away and visited more!!!!

[littlestlily]

It definitely seems to be a case of 'we've done our bit' Blondie1984,
As they had an opportunity to have a 5 seater car and bought another 2 seater (they already had one) and I (kind of ) jokingly said 'you won't be able to fit any of the children in and MIL replied 'I don't have any children' so they've set it up so they can't help out or take any of the children out for the day, they also have a spare room but won't put a bed in it, so no sleepovers.
It annoys me that when we see them, (infrequently) she talks about how wonderful my sil and their 3 children are. And how much fun they had when they stayed overnight to baby sit (once for a week when they went to Spain!)
I think it makes me sad as they are in their 60's, and my lovely beautiful parents want to do so much, and struggle with advancing age and health, I have 2 sisters nearby, one who has helped loads and one who doesn't .
I agree that it is a case of what's normal in your family, and I really feel for those of you that have no help from either side.
I do t want their lack of care make my children feel in any way undeserving, I've made so many excuses so the children don't understand the truth

[PrimalLass]

Maybe they are cross that you had 5 children. We stopped at two because we really valued help from family and knew it would not happen if we had a third.

[littlestlily]

Possibly but it's not their decision to make, we have had a lot of criticism from people who believe that having 5 children is somehow being 'greedy' as if us having more than the average was somehow taking something from them. We financially, emotionally and in every other way support all our children, and they were no more involved when we had two as now.
My MIL has opinions about everything I do so yes I'm sure she has an unfavourable opinion about the number of children we have.
Sorry to sound ranty! it's a sore point with me as we got so many negative comments when I was pregnant with number 5

[littlestlily]

And even if they are cross with our decision to have 5, it doesn't mean they should make our children feel less loved than bil's

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm glad your daughter is now well again, must have been a very frightening time for you all.

Your PILs do sound very 'hands off', OP, and obviously in very great contrast to your own parents. I can't help but think though that, in your position, I would really have to think hard about how I could rely less on my parents though. Yours are in their 80s, and failing in health (from your posts), you perhaps need a fall back, a contingency that doesn't involve them so heavily as they do a lot for you even without emergencies.

I say this out of concern because, if your parents' health deteriorates further, it sounds as if you have no back up plan. That would concern me enormously and I'd probably look at putting in some kind of reciprocal arrangement with the (helpful) sister rather than my ailing parents, keeping any 'heavy lifting' away from them.

What about paid for help? Au pair? Regular babysitters? Child care?

[diddl]

I do think that they were very mean not to visit your daughter when they said that they would.

How often do they see/look after the other GC?

Of course how many children you have is your decision.

It is also their decision whether or not they look after them!

Do you think that they don't bother because your parents always do?

Did you ask them to help when your daughter went to hospital or assume that they wouldn't?

[shebird]

Your in laws sound very uncaring OP. I have a FIL like this, he is retired and in good health but we only see him twice a year and that's only if we make the effort to visit him. Even then we travel 2 hours for an hour or two visit. So that's approximately 4 hours a year he spends with his GCs - hardly a close relationship.

[Ohfourfoxache]

God there are so many of us in this boat

PILs also moved away and couldn't give a shit. Ds was quite unwell when he arrived, I had a horrendous pregnancy and we got no support from them AT ALL.

Fil has now had a stroke and expects us to be all over him offering help

It's sad for your DC, op, but the time will come when they want your help and support. Karma can be a right bitch......

[Katenka]

Fil has now had a stroke and expects us to be all over him offering help

Mil keeps hinting that's e wants to live with us if fil dies first. She doesn't give a shit about us. And when her parents were sick we cared for them with sil as she didn't 'have time'.

Told dh she can piss off

[Ohfourfoxache]

Katenka I think we must be related - my mil also wants us to look after her if FIL goes first, and both of them in old age as a matter of course.

Which is all well and good, but neither of them can be arsed helping her 92yo widowed mother who is now in a home and has cancer. All they are concerned about is deceased grandfather-in-law's will.....

I wasn't quite as polite as you though - told DH she could get to fuck

[Katenka]

ohfour it's so bloody similar.

Mils parents have passed away though. We cared for them, sil who is a single parent looked after them.

Mil was laughing and joking and her mums funeral, while her dad fell apart. She also took all her mums jewellery out of the house and sold it, without telling her dad.

She always said her child caring days are over. I told dh my 'caring for elderly relatives days' are over. I did it for his grandparents and didn't mind at all as I adored them. But I won't be doing it for her as well.

[FantasticBeast]

Same boat here. My parents help us at the drop of a hat - DS1 is autistic, and DS2 gave us a scare 5 months ago and ended up in hospital for a week, he had 9 seizures in 52 hours. IL's didn't want to come see him in hospital as 'they didn't want to see him in that state'.. DH could have done with their support, he ended up practically begging them to just stop by once.. Which he shouldn't have had to do. My parents were a godsend - looked after DS1 for the week while DH and me were in and out of hospital, bought us meals, covered the extortionate parking costs when they could - IL's visited DS1 at home once when they were 'in town anyway'.. I try not to make comments to DH now, he's already embarrassed enough by it all and as much as he tries to act like it doesn't bother him I know it does. It has gotten to the point where if we're heading out to eat somewhere, or planning a day trip/holiday, DH will suggest asking my parents along, not his. Sad, but just how it is unfortunately. It's definitely a case of, they've had their kids and now it's their turn, sort of thing with my IL's. Which is a shame as their youngest is only 16

[littlestlily]

lyingwitchinthewardrobe you are of course right, I try to ask them as little as possible now, and if they were unable too, one of us would have stayed with the others and one at the hospital, they regularly offer to have the children as they love to spend time with them, we work around their limitations now and wouldn't expect them to drive at night or anything else that might make them feel anxious.
We do have an agreement with my sister kind of, she has grown up children but we help her out with anything else she needs, diy, haircuts (DH is a hairdresser) and pay her for babysitting duties.
It is probably a case of we could ask PIL's more, but to be honest, I have asked them so many times, including if they would collect DH from a hospital much closer th them and bring him home after emergency surgery a few years ago, and that was refused, it makes me so angry every time, DH never even considers asking now 😕
They have bils children at least weekly and often more .

[hostinthemaking]

You reap what you sow. My pil think they have a relationship with their dgs but it is dependent on your view. DSs have asked me for new gps as they now see how one sided the relationship is. Gps have never took them out for day, to swimming, cinema, softplay. Nothing that didn't involve them being able to have an alcoholic drink so lunch would be in pub not mcds as they don't serve alcohol. Gps are keen on pay per view duty visits which includes Dh taking boys - never on his own- and boys receive pocket money. If they don't go they don't get any so it is an incentive for them to go. But even that is beginning to pale as boys realised gps are more interested in bil dog they look after than them. Children are not stupid and realise actions speak louder than words. They are the only gps boys have and the only gc they have. I never see them apart from Christmas duty and i never ask them for childcare and we pay for babysitter or don't go out.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I think a lot of people would be happier if they only expected help from their family in an emergency. I read thousands and thousands of posts on here from adults who seem to expect general "help" from their parents and inlaws as if it is some sort of right.

When you live many miles away from all grandparents (as millions of people do, if they are lucky enough to have grandparents still alive) then you have to make provision to care for all of your children - even if it is as many as five - in all circumstances.

[littlestlily]

bibbitybobbityyhat
I think I've not made myself clear in my posting, I was talking about emergency help, I certainly do not expect my parents or in laws to look after my children regularly, I look after them myself, organise my working hours around my husbands days off, and pay for childcare the other days, we very very rarely go out and pay for a babysitter when we do. By expecting more support from them I didn't mean babysitting while we went out , I meant visiting a sick child in hospital, picking up their own son from a hospital right near them and bringing him home, neither requests I consider unreasonable .
Of course I don't expect any family members to look after all 5 of my children as I completely understand it was our decision to have them and anyone else might find it too much.
When my parents take the children out (they invite my children out) they don't take the youngest and they have the eldest (16) to help them.
My in laws don't live miles away, they live 30mins away.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

littlestlily... Sorry, I didn't mean to make you think that you'd done anything wrong in asking your PILs for help. You SHOULD be able to do that and a normal set of PILs WOULD. Imagine, not even helping out when their own son was in hospital? It's completely unthinkable.

I'm just coming at the problem from the perspective that it must be grating and soul-destroying for you and your husband to even have to garner up the request for help from your PILs in the first place, only to likely be refused. I just couldn't. They seem to have no familial feelings whatsoever and I can't imagine anybody in a family behaving like that under any circumstances.

What would I do if it were me? I would put PILs on a 'do not contact' list as far as I could. Not a 'going no contact' (unless that is what you want to do?), but a general arms-length, don't contact them at all arrangement. I would then be looking around my family and friends and explaining the scant (and it is scant) help that you/I need and the circumstances it would be needed. And there I would have my back up plan.

The flipside will be that PILs would not be invited to any dinners, days out, any nice grandparent style activities. Do it all with your own parents and nice sibling(s), any other family/friends in the wider circle who would like to be closer to you all.

I've never been in favour of tit-for-tat in families, ie. you don't help our kids/we don't help when you're old and need it, kind of thing, but I'm totally in favour of that for you. Disregard them as far as your husband can comfortably stomach. That would be my advice.

You sound a very nice, close family... don't let your PILs lack of warmth do anything to taint that, they really don't deserve to matter and your children are not enriched by their involvement with them anyway.

[Evabeaversprotege]

My parents live 30 miles away. PIL live in a foreign country & now refer to here (where they lived permanently until three years ago) as "the UK"...

We're only home from a break to the same place they live, and all I can say is that I'm glad we don't expect too much.

My parents don't help out either. They live too far away but my mum used to mind my sisters & brothers kids when she was younger & more able. She has early onset dementia now & can barely remember the kids names.

FIL has been a total control freak the past few days, expecting me to move from "his" seat, telling the children to keep quiet (as he watched a DVD on the loudest setting) the kids are a teen and an almost teen, so not babies & certainly aware that we were thought of as an inconvenience.

We didn't stay with them, we rented our own place, and only visited their home when asked.

[hostinthemaking]

My pil live 2 miles away and thatbis why Dh can manage a weekly visit. Apparently pil door to our door is an insurmountable distance as they have never in the last 5 years visited us out with Christmas. If Dh didn't visit i wonder when they would notice.

[Oldraver]

My MIL has never made any effort with DS1 while completly fawning over SIL's DS. She didnt even make an effort after his Dad died.

As a result he hasn't seen her for nearly 12 years