AIBU to expect more support from in laws??

[littlestlily]

AIBU to expect more support from my in laws?
My family do so much, helping us out at a moments notice, even though my parents are in their 80's and not in great health.
My 9 year old DD was taken into hospital on Wednesday for an emergency appendectomy, was very sudden and immensely scary for her and us, my mother came to stay the night and let my husband sleep in the next day and looked after the other 4 children including our very boisterous toddler.
My in laws mentioned they would come to the hospital to see DD, which I was amazed about as they would never usually do that, so I told DD and she was really pleased.
I then phoned them to see if they would bring me a microwave meal for dinner and they said they weren't actually coming and may pop in at home 'some time next week'
This really irked me as my mother had dropped everything and always does.
My MIL especially says some very hurtful things and my husband just passes it off as 'that's her way'
This possibly comes across as a petty grievance but it's one incident in a big catalogue of instances!
Conversely, she can't do enough for my BIL and his children 😡

[ChickensRideWest]

My ILs are similar OP. We have one DD and live 40 mins away. SIL has 2 DC and used to live a similar distance to ILs but now lives around the corner.

Even when they lived far away, my ILs fawned over SIL and her kids. Nothing was too much. Free childcare in the day, overnight stays, trips out, the works.

As for us, my DM was diagnosed with cancer when I was PG and died when my DD was 1. I spent my mat leave learning how to be a new mum whilst providing constant personal care for my dying mum. I asked them ONE TIME if they could take DD for an hour so I could go to an important appointment with my mum and they said it was too inconvenient because they were looking after DN that day. That's just one example of how callous they were when my mum was dying and I will never ever forgive them. And they left us to it after mum died too. Anyone with half a brain cell could see I was struggling with crippling grief and a severe case of PND but not once did they reach out to offer a help or a fucking hug.

Now DD is older and in school so free time is precious and my FOG suffering DH isn't taking her to see them anymore they've finally cottoned on they haven't seen her for months and I'm getting PA texts about wishing they could see DD more which I blithely ignore. Yet it doesn't stop them telling DH when he dutifully calls them about the fun trips they have taken DNiece and DNephew on for half term and the plastic surgery they have just funded for SIL.

It's fine. Because when MIL or FIL are dying and they expect us to drop everything to go and wipe their bums it will be just too inconvenient for me that day. bastards

My bereaved father though is incredible and will do anything for us though I would never ever take advantage. It's so sad though, this isn't how it was meant to be. My mum was meant to be here and we would have been so happy. She would have been the best Nan to DD.

I used to and still sometimes get angry with DH when he is still in the FOG. Someone up thread said 'you had lovely supportive parents but he has never had that' (I'm paraphrasing). It really struck a cord with me so thankyou.

[Ohfourfoxache]

I just can't imagine Ds EVER being in hospital or in need in any way, shape or form and not dropping everything to look after him. He may only be 11 months but the thought of turning my back is physically painful. And I can't imagine turning my back on the person he loved and his/their DC.

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

Ds is being christened on Sunday and DH and I offered to drive (4 hour round trip) to collect ILs as fil can't drive too far now. My mum and dad even arranged to be off work on Friday and Monday so that they could drive them there and back (also 4 hours). Yet the first anyone hears of fil not coming is when my dsis gets an email declining the invite (joint christening) but mil will be coming. Couldn't even be bothered to let their own son know first

[Salene]

My in laws are exactly the same

Useless horrible people, I've just learnt to live with it and realised I can't ask them for nothing. My father lives 2.5 hours away and in emergency is here in a shot they are less than 40 mins away and if ever needed make all the excuses under the sun.

To be honest I can't stand them but tolerate the for my husband sake.

[Katenka]

The thing is, families (as far as I am concerned) should pull together. Especially in emergencies.

Mum and dad actually have a second car that they could live without for emergencies. Seems very ott, but it means mum has been able to help if dad is at work. Or they have lent it to dbro in an emergency.

I would be there at the drop of a hat for my parents. They would for us. That's what's normal for us.

[littlestlily]

AutumnLeavesArePretty
You say that my parents and sister play a big part in providing childcare without knowing anything about my family set up apart from reading my few posts. If you'd read more thoroughly you would have seen that I wrote we never expect or ask anyone to look after all the children EXCEPT in the emergency that has just occurred, if no one was able or prepared to help I would have stayed at the hospital while DH stayed with the others, if we need childcare we pay a babysitter.
Of course I know that it's my PIL's choice what car they buy and what to do to their house, I mentioned it as another poster wrote about their PIL's having spare rooms with no bed, and in response to another poster asking if I felt they'd thought they'd 'done their bit' my answer was yes with the two 2 seater cars as an example.
Irregardless of whether they raised their son to be independant, it doesn't mean that they can't spend enjoyable time with their grandchildren, or that their grandchildren have no need of their love.
we decided to have 5 children, care for them ourselves while both working, never ask parents or other family members for childcare while we work or socialise and are not so irresponsible that we believe we are owed any help from anyone.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Very mean to pull out of the hospital visit and that was wrong.

However buying a two seats car is their choice, their money. Likewise not kitting out the spare room for overnight stays. You say it's only emergency help you want but neither days out or overnight stays at theirs are emergencies.

I think five children is a big ask of family to provide childcare. Your choice yes but your parents and sister have to play a big hand in it and they didn't choose it. Perhaps your PIL believe they raised their son to be an independent adult and capable of handling the choices he made.

I think too many adults feel they are owed help with their children and don't seem to realise that they made the choice to have them so caring comes down to them.

[Oldraver]

My MIL has never made any effort with DS1 while completly fawning over SIL's DS. She didnt even make an effort after his Dad died.

As a result he hasn't seen her for nearly 12 years

[hostinthemaking]

My pil live 2 miles away and thatbis why Dh can manage a weekly visit. Apparently pil door to our door is an insurmountable distance as they have never in the last 5 years visited us out with Christmas. If Dh didn't visit i wonder when they would notice.

[Evabeaversprotege]

My parents live 30 miles away. PIL live in a foreign country & now refer to here (where they lived permanently until three years ago) as "the UK"...

We're only home from a break to the same place they live, and all I can say is that I'm glad we don't expect too much.

My parents don't help out either. They live too far away but my mum used to mind my sisters & brothers kids when she was younger & more able. She has early onset dementia now & can barely remember the kids names.

FIL has been a total control freak the past few days, expecting me to move from "his" seat, telling the children to keep quiet (as he watched a DVD on the loudest setting) the kids are a teen and an almost teen, so not babies & certainly aware that we were thought of as an inconvenience.

We didn't stay with them, we rented our own place, and only visited their home when asked.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

littlestlily... Sorry, I didn't mean to make you think that you'd done anything wrong in asking your PILs for help. You SHOULD be able to do that and a normal set of PILs WOULD. Imagine, not even helping out when their own son was in hospital? It's completely unthinkable.

I'm just coming at the problem from the perspective that it must be grating and soul-destroying for you and your husband to even have to garner up the request for help from your PILs in the first place, only to likely be refused. I just couldn't. They seem to have no familial feelings whatsoever and I can't imagine anybody in a family behaving like that under any circumstances.

What would I do if it were me? I would put PILs on a 'do not contact' list as far as I could. Not a 'going no contact' (unless that is what you want to do?), but a general arms-length, don't contact them at all arrangement. I would then be looking around my family and friends and explaining the scant (and it is scant) help that you/I need and the circumstances it would be needed. And there I would have my back up plan.

The flipside will be that PILs would not be invited to any dinners, days out, any nice grandparent style activities. Do it all with your own parents and nice sibling(s), any other family/friends in the wider circle who would like to be closer to you all.

I've never been in favour of tit-for-tat in families, ie. you don't help our kids/we don't help when you're old and need it, kind of thing, but I'm totally in favour of that for you. Disregard them as far as your husband can comfortably stomach. That would be my advice.

You sound a very nice, close family... don't let your PILs lack of warmth do anything to taint that, they really don't deserve to matter and your children are not enriched by their involvement with them anyway.

[littlestlily]

bibbitybobbityyhat
I think I've not made myself clear in my posting, I was talking about emergency help, I certainly do not expect my parents or in laws to look after my children regularly, I look after them myself, organise my working hours around my husbands days off, and pay for childcare the other days, we very very rarely go out and pay for a babysitter when we do. By expecting more support from them I didn't mean babysitting while we went out , I meant visiting a sick child in hospital, picking up their own son from a hospital right near them and bringing him home, neither requests I consider unreasonable .
Of course I don't expect any family members to look after all 5 of my children as I completely understand it was our decision to have them and anyone else might find it too much.
When my parents take the children out (they invite my children out) they don't take the youngest and they have the eldest (16) to help them.
My in laws don't live miles away, they live 30mins away.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I think a lot of people would be happier if they only expected help from their family in an emergency. I read thousands and thousands of posts on here from adults who seem to expect general "help" from their parents and inlaws as if it is some sort of right.

When you live many miles away from all grandparents (as millions of people do, if they are lucky enough to have grandparents still alive) then you have to make provision to care for all of your children - even if it is as many as five - in all circumstances.

[hostinthemaking]

You reap what you sow. My pil think they have a relationship with their dgs but it is dependent on your view. DSs have asked me for new gps as they now see how one sided the relationship is. Gps have never took them out for day, to swimming, cinema, softplay. Nothing that didn't involve them being able to have an alcoholic drink so lunch would be in pub not mcds as they don't serve alcohol. Gps are keen on pay per view duty visits which includes Dh taking boys - never on his own- and boys receive pocket money. If they don't go they don't get any so it is an incentive for them to go. But even that is beginning to pale as boys realised gps are more interested in bil dog they look after than them. Children are not stupid and realise actions speak louder than words. They are the only gps boys have and the only gc they have. I never see them apart from Christmas duty and i never ask them for childcare and we pay for babysitter or don't go out.

[littlestlily]

lyingwitchinthewardrobe you are of course right, I try to ask them as little as possible now, and if they were unable too, one of us would have stayed with the others and one at the hospital, they regularly offer to have the children as they love to spend time with them, we work around their limitations now and wouldn't expect them to drive at night or anything else that might make them feel anxious.
We do have an agreement with my sister kind of, she has grown up children but we help her out with anything else she needs, diy, haircuts (DH is a hairdresser) and pay her for babysitting duties.
It is probably a case of we could ask PIL's more, but to be honest, I have asked them so many times, including if they would collect DH from a hospital much closer th them and bring him home after emergency surgery a few years ago, and that was refused, it makes me so angry every time, DH never even considers asking now 😕
They have bils children at least weekly and often more .

[FantasticBeast]

Same boat here. My parents help us at the drop of a hat - DS1 is autistic, and DS2 gave us a scare 5 months ago and ended up in hospital for a week, he had 9 seizures in 52 hours. IL's didn't want to come see him in hospital as 'they didn't want to see him in that state'.. DH could have done with their support, he ended up practically begging them to just stop by once.. Which he shouldn't have had to do. My parents were a godsend - looked after DS1 for the week while DH and me were in and out of hospital, bought us meals, covered the extortionate parking costs when they could - IL's visited DS1 at home once when they were 'in town anyway'.. I try not to make comments to DH now, he's already embarrassed enough by it all and as much as he tries to act like it doesn't bother him I know it does. It has gotten to the point where if we're heading out to eat somewhere, or planning a day trip/holiday, DH will suggest asking my parents along, not his. Sad, but just how it is unfortunately. It's definitely a case of, they've had their kids and now it's their turn, sort of thing with my IL's. Which is a shame as their youngest is only 16

[Katenka]

ohfour it's so bloody similar.

Mils parents have passed away though. We cared for them, sil who is a single parent looked after them.

Mil was laughing and joking and her mums funeral, while her dad fell apart. She also took all her mums jewellery out of the house and sold it, without telling her dad.

She always said her child caring days are over. I told dh my 'caring for elderly relatives days' are over. I did it for his grandparents and didn't mind at all as I adored them. But I won't be doing it for her as well.

[Ohfourfoxache]

Katenka I think we must be related - my mil also wants us to look after her if FIL goes first, and both of them in old age as a matter of course.

Which is all well and good, but neither of them can be arsed helping her 92yo widowed mother who is now in a home and has cancer. All they are concerned about is deceased grandfather-in-law's will.....

I wasn't quite as polite as you though - told DH she could get to fuck

[Katenka]

Fil has now had a stroke and expects us to be all over him offering help

Mil keeps hinting that's e wants to live with us if fil dies first. She doesn't give a shit about us. And when her parents were sick we cared for them with sil as she didn't 'have time'.

Told dh she can piss off

[Ohfourfoxache]

God there are so many of us in this boat

PILs also moved away and couldn't give a shit. Ds was quite unwell when he arrived, I had a horrendous pregnancy and we got no support from them AT ALL.

Fil has now had a stroke and expects us to be all over him offering help

It's sad for your DC, op, but the time will come when they want your help and support. Karma can be a right bitch......

[shebird]

Your in laws sound very uncaring OP. I have a FIL like this, he is retired and in good health but we only see him twice a year and that's only if we make the effort to visit him. Even then we travel 2 hours for an hour or two visit. So that's approximately 4 hours a year he spends with his GCs - hardly a close relationship.

[diddl]

I do think that they were very mean not to visit your daughter when they said that they would.

How often do they see/look after the other GC?

Of course how many children you have is your decision.

It is also their decision whether or not they look after them!

Do you think that they don't bother because your parents always do?

Did you ask them to help when your daughter went to hospital or assume that they wouldn't?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm glad your daughter is now well again, must have been a very frightening time for you all.

Your PILs do sound very 'hands off', OP, and obviously in very great contrast to your own parents. I can't help but think though that, in your position, I would really have to think hard about how I could rely less on my parents though. Yours are in their 80s, and failing in health (from your posts), you perhaps need a fall back, a contingency that doesn't involve them so heavily as they do a lot for you even without emergencies.

I say this out of concern because, if your parents' health deteriorates further, it sounds as if you have no back up plan. That would concern me enormously and I'd probably look at putting in some kind of reciprocal arrangement with the (helpful) sister rather than my ailing parents, keeping any 'heavy lifting' away from them.

What about paid for help? Au pair? Regular babysitters? Child care?

[littlestlily]

And even if they are cross with our decision to have 5, it doesn't mean they should make our children feel less loved than bil's

[littlestlily]

Possibly but it's not their decision to make, we have had a lot of criticism from people who believe that having 5 children is somehow being 'greedy' as if us having more than the average was somehow taking something from them. We financially, emotionally and in every other way support all our children, and they were no more involved when we had two as now.
My MIL has opinions about everything I do so yes I'm sure she has an unfavourable opinion about the number of children we have.
Sorry to sound ranty! it's a sore point with me as we got so many negative comments when I was pregnant with number 5

[PrimalLass]

Maybe they are cross that you had 5 children. We stopped at two because we really valued help from family and knew it would not happen if we had a third.