AIBU to expect more support from in laws??

[littlestlily]

AIBU to expect more support from my in laws?
My family do so much, helping us out at a moments notice, even though my parents are in their 80's and not in great health.
My 9 year old DD was taken into hospital on Wednesday for an emergency appendectomy, was very sudden and immensely scary for her and us, my mother came to stay the night and let my husband sleep in the next day and looked after the other 4 children including our very boisterous toddler.
My in laws mentioned they would come to the hospital to see DD, which I was amazed about as they would never usually do that, so I told DD and she was really pleased.
I then phoned them to see if they would bring me a microwave meal for dinner and they said they weren't actually coming and may pop in at home 'some time next week'
This really irked me as my mother had dropped everything and always does.
My MIL especially says some very hurtful things and my husband just passes it off as 'that's her way'
This possibly comes across as a petty grievance but it's one incident in a big catalogue of instances!
Conversely, she can't do enough for my BIL and his children 😡

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Very mean to pull out of the hospital visit and that was wrong.

However buying a two seats car is their choice, their money. Likewise not kitting out the spare room for overnight stays. You say it's only emergency help you want but neither days out or overnight stays at theirs are emergencies.

I think five children is a big ask of family to provide childcare. Your choice yes but your parents and sister have to play a big hand in it and they didn't choose it. Perhaps your PIL believe they raised their son to be an independent adult and capable of handling the choices he made.

I think too many adults feel they are owed help with their children and don't seem to realise that they made the choice to have them so caring comes down to them.

[littlestlily]

AutumnLeavesArePretty
You say that my parents and sister play a big part in providing childcare without knowing anything about my family set up apart from reading my few posts. If you'd read more thoroughly you would have seen that I wrote we never expect or ask anyone to look after all the children EXCEPT in the emergency that has just occurred, if no one was able or prepared to help I would have stayed at the hospital while DH stayed with the others, if we need childcare we pay a babysitter.
Of course I know that it's my PIL's choice what car they buy and what to do to their house, I mentioned it as another poster wrote about their PIL's having spare rooms with no bed, and in response to another poster asking if I felt they'd thought they'd 'done their bit' my answer was yes with the two 2 seater cars as an example.
Irregardless of whether they raised their son to be independant, it doesn't mean that they can't spend enjoyable time with their grandchildren, or that their grandchildren have no need of their love.
we decided to have 5 children, care for them ourselves while both working, never ask parents or other family members for childcare while we work or socialise and are not so irresponsible that we believe we are owed any help from anyone.

[Katenka]

The thing is, families (as far as I am concerned) should pull together. Especially in emergencies.

Mum and dad actually have a second car that they could live without for emergencies. Seems very ott, but it means mum has been able to help if dad is at work. Or they have lent it to dbro in an emergency.

I would be there at the drop of a hat for my parents. They would for us. That's what's normal for us.

[Salene]

My in laws are exactly the same

Useless horrible people, I've just learnt to live with it and realised I can't ask them for nothing. My father lives 2.5 hours away and in emergency is here in a shot they are less than 40 mins away and if ever needed make all the excuses under the sun.

To be honest I can't stand them but tolerate the for my husband sake.

[Ohfourfoxache]

I just can't imagine Ds EVER being in hospital or in need in any way, shape or form and not dropping everything to look after him. He may only be 11 months but the thought of turning my back is physically painful. And I can't imagine turning my back on the person he loved and his/their DC.

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

Ds is being christened on Sunday and DH and I offered to drive (4 hour round trip) to collect ILs as fil can't drive too far now. My mum and dad even arranged to be off work on Friday and Monday so that they could drive them there and back (also 4 hours). Yet the first anyone hears of fil not coming is when my dsis gets an email declining the invite (joint christening) but mil will be coming. Couldn't even be bothered to let their own son know first

[ChickensRideWest]

My ILs are similar OP. We have one DD and live 40 mins away. SIL has 2 DC and used to live a similar distance to ILs but now lives around the corner.

Even when they lived far away, my ILs fawned over SIL and her kids. Nothing was too much. Free childcare in the day, overnight stays, trips out, the works.

As for us, my DM was diagnosed with cancer when I was PG and died when my DD was 1. I spent my mat leave learning how to be a new mum whilst providing constant personal care for my dying mum. I asked them ONE TIME if they could take DD for an hour so I could go to an important appointment with my mum and they said it was too inconvenient because they were looking after DN that day. That's just one example of how callous they were when my mum was dying and I will never ever forgive them. And they left us to it after mum died too. Anyone with half a brain cell could see I was struggling with crippling grief and a severe case of PND but not once did they reach out to offer a help or a fucking hug.

Now DD is older and in school so free time is precious and my FOG suffering DH isn't taking her to see them anymore they've finally cottoned on they haven't seen her for months and I'm getting PA texts about wishing they could see DD more which I blithely ignore. Yet it doesn't stop them telling DH when he dutifully calls them about the fun trips they have taken DNiece and DNephew on for half term and the plastic surgery they have just funded for SIL.

It's fine. Because when MIL or FIL are dying and they expect us to drop everything to go and wipe their bums it will be just too inconvenient for me that day. bastards

My bereaved father though is incredible and will do anything for us though I would never ever take advantage. It's so sad though, this isn't how it was meant to be. My mum was meant to be here and we would have been so happy. She would have been the best Nan to DD.

I used to and still sometimes get angry with DH when he is still in the FOG. Someone up thread said 'you had lovely supportive parents but he has never had that' (I'm paraphrasing). It really struck a cord with me so thankyou.