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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick of my friends treating me like a slave?

186 replies

Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 21:45

Hi everyone. This has been grating on me all day so feel I need to get it off my chest...

I'm a single parent. Have two DC under five (one with moderate/severe autism) and I study full time at university which involves being on placement for most of the week. On top of this I run my own business from home, as well as doing the usual household shopping/chores/ferrying children to and from grandparents 40 minutes away on weekends when the eldest stays to get respite from SN sibling who is violent. The children are also in school/nursery out of the catchment area, not far but a good 6/7 miles each way, and with the youngest's endless hospital/educational appointments etc I seem to spend half of my life on the road. This is fine, I chose to go to uni, appreciate the grandparent's help and am happy to drive that bit further so they can go to an outstanding school.

The problem is, I have no free time, at all. I should be working on an assignment instead of being on here, but I'm so riled up right now. My friends (a couple in particular) seem to think I'm some sort of servant/taxi service. I have to get up at 4/5am a lot of the time for uni/placement/work. And my SN child often doesn't sleep until 1/2am. My car's on it's last legs, because I'm doing on average 100 miles a day. Saturdays are the only day when I can have a lie in (he might stay up until 2am but on the plus side that means he sleeps through till midday!) and then I usually like to go shopping or for a meal in a big city - I live in the back end of nowhere.

Friend 1:
Married, unemployed, one child in school full time, husband drives (illegally) and MIL lives next door who also drives. Yet she expects lifts constantly. To be fair, she's always been a thoughtful friend who would go out of her way to help me with things. But she often rings me at 7/8am on a Saturday, waking me up, to ask if I'll drive her up to see her family and take her to the supermarket. All in all this is a 30 mile round trip. I often don't feel assertive enough to say no, though I have been making excuses lately and explaining that Satudays are my 'free' day. But she still seems to carry on, and she's now started doing it when I've just done the school run and have half an hour free before having to head to work. Sometimes she just wants a lift to town, which is maybe 3/4 of a mile from her house - with a bus stop directly outside that stops off at the main bus station/train station with good public transport links! Her excuse is she hates that it takes an hour on the bus to get to her family - but it takes me half an hour each way! Sometimes chips in for petrol, but rarely.

Friend 2:
Single, unemployed, two kids (one grown up though), lives rurally (though only 2/3 miles from civilisation and there are buses) is a driver but got rid of car to save money. Total p-taker - rarely does anything for me though we have a lot in common which is why we've stayed friends. Asks me for everything and anything bar wiping her ass. Recently had a phone call from her (at 7pm, hammering it down with rain and DC in bed) saying she'd gone away for the weekend and forgot to put her cat in the house, could I go and do it (12 mile round trip) playing the guilt card 'Well, I know you're busy but would it really be that much trouble, he wont survive outside all weekend..." Has also asked me to do insanely stupid stuff, such as picking up a pint of milk and dropping it off at her house.

It's all getting a bit much for me, but I think I'm too much of a people pleaser... people seem to think that because I can afford to run a car, it's fine. I have explained how run down I am with everything in my life, and I get "I know, I feel terrible for asking BUT I'm desperate and too poor for taxis." I've even said before my phone will be switched off on weekends - but then I'm bombarded with emails/messages on social media etc. Especially during 'emergencies' (ie. Friend 1 having another domestic with violent OH who she refuses to leave, and then goes back to after I rush to pick her up and take her to family.)

I guess what I'm asking is how can I be more assertive? I've always put myself out to make other people happy, but when it's at the expense of my health (exhausted all the time!) then I guess things need to change. But I don't want any conflict I suppose...

OP posts:
Spandexpants007 · 22/02/2016 06:30

Also I know you are time short but can you arrange there are various groups/clubs about for families with children with asd or autism. Two of my friends have found amazing support networks that way.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/02/2016 07:46

Friend number1 is not your friend either, good friends woukd never do such a thing, especially knowing the pressures you face, wake you up at 7am to take her to her family. The audacity of her. There are taxis to do this kind of thing or public transport. Tge expletives that woukd be coming out of my mouth woukd be very foul if that were me.

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 22/02/2016 07:46

There was no reply. But she's plastered all over Facebook 'urgent help needed!!!!' lol. Yes Spandex, there's a few locally, just need to find the time to go :)

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/02/2016 07:52

What to get tampons!!!! She can get a fecking cab to the shops like other people do. Because she's too lazy and can't be bothered. No apology, she is no friend at all, just a user. I would delete her off Facebook.

FetchezLaVache · 22/02/2016 08:21

So there are two adult women living in that house, and between them they can only scare up enough tampons to cover an overnight emergency? Have they not noticed this happens every month? Thick and/or disorganised as well as bone bloody idle. Well done OP. I think you've cut yourself free of a major "net taker" there. :)

KatharinaRosalie · 22/02/2016 08:34

And if she can't afford a cab, it's 20 minute walk to the shop!

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 22/02/2016 09:31

Lol Fetchez! Exactly. I've had a reply from her:

"I'm really sorry. I just thought as you drive past a few times a day and I was willing to pay for the inconvience I wasn't asking much. Next time just say no...thats fine. I wont be offended. I understand you have a lot on...we all do. But friends help each other out when they're stuck"

I don't drive past a few times a day, it's six miles into the countryside with major ongoing roadworks!

OP posts:
Fannycraddock79 · 22/02/2016 09:38

Maybe you could go back and say "I appreciate the apology. I don't know how I gave you the impression I drive past a few times a day, I don't, I have to make a special trip just for you, and when you live within walking distance of a shop it doesn't make sense for me to drive 40 minutes totally out of my way to save you a quick walk".

Movingonmymind · 22/02/2016 10:45

I would always send a toned down redrafted version of your first response. Also don't explain too much and keep it brief & good-natured. Your friends will be wondering whats changed, no need to explain- that's internal to you.

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 22/02/2016 10:49

I'm afraid it's all kicked off, and she's started a public argument over Facebook with me, saying all sorts... apparently I NEVER help her out (which I have spent the last two years doing, everything from driving her dying dog to a vets on a 30 mile round journey, feeding her animals whilst she's away, shopping on a weekly basis, etc) and she's apparently helped me out 'sooo much!' (I can't remember a single time unless you count making me a cup of tea)

I think I feel worse now. Maybe time to block and delete?

OP posts:
Dontdrinkandfacebook · 22/02/2016 10:56

Absolutely. Just do it. It will feel like you've lost a massive millstone. Onward and upward X

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 22/02/2016 11:26

To make things worse, the ex's wife has just text me a load of abuse saying I'm 'two faced' and 'fake' because of some really trivial nonsense regarding my ex and his mental health issues. I feel today is going to be a liquid lunch kind of day. Hmm

OP posts:
starry0ne · 22/02/2016 11:44

Someone posted on another thread yesterday..People can seem really nice until you stop doing exactly what they want...Her true colours are showing.. I agree block...

As for ex's wife ignore completely.. No response she is looking for a fight I guess..

I would invest my time in figuring out how to put everyone on silient except school , g.parents anyone else that may need to contact you urgently...

FetchezLaVache · 22/02/2016 12:34

Oh love, that sucks. She sounds like a drama lama as well as a thick, disorganised, bone idle net taker. You have saved yourself years of arse-ache!

Chin chin, from one "autism mom" to another. Wine

HPsauciness · 22/02/2016 12:42

Unfortunately it is to be expected that once you called her on her taking ways, that she would react against this. That's ok, it is sad if you have known her a long time, but honestly, NO good friend would ask you to drive over there to get sanitary products!!!! I have never asked this of a friend in my life, like most people I'd make do with something and then go out the next day.

I actually wonder whether this was done as a control thing. I really wouldn't ask a friend to drive a round trip to get me sanitary products, ever and it does seem odd that she would choose to make you get something personal in this say- almost confirming you will do anything for her.

Perhaps I'm over-psychologising, but it's hardly an emergency anyway.

I don't think you have a choice but to block and move on. Her demands are completely and totally unacceptable. Now the worm has turned. She won't be nice now anyway as you have stopped doing just as she asks, when she asks, at silly o clock in the morning!

FurryDogMother · 22/02/2016 12:45

Definitely block and delete - you'll never 'win' an argument with this type of user, but you will 'win' overall because you'll never have to put yourself out for them again :) Stay strong!

KatharinaRosalie · 22/02/2016 12:54

Oh wow! I would be very tempted to list each and every occasion of you 'never' helping out under that post on FB. Including the latest request that you do a 40 min drive to save her a quick walk, to buy something that is clearly not an unexpected emergency, as it happens every month!

And then block.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/02/2016 14:18

Well her true colours are showing now. Yes she was right in the respect that you shoukd have said no in the first place, instead of resentment building. Delete and block, and move on. With friend 1, just say no I can't, if she asks for favours.

cozietoesie · 22/02/2016 14:21

Achhh. Ignore them - enjoy the peace and quiet that results.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/02/2016 14:23

Don't feel bad, she is making herself look rubbish on Facebook, if you engage with her, it will make you look bad. Just delete and block her from your life and move on.

Movingonmymind · 22/02/2016 15:09

Agree, don't engage, petty and makes you look bad too

And when you're up to it, worth reflecting on how you are in all of these relationships- don't be a victim and think how you also can behave differently. Only person you can control/improve is yourself.

2rebecca · 22/02/2016 15:57

People who are really your friends will know she's lying. The opinion of people who don't know you is irrelevant. She is showing her true nature now. Block and don't be tempted to look at her stuff.

YouTheCat · 22/02/2016 16:21

I did once consider calling a friend to help me get home with my weekly shop. It had started snowing and I couldn't get a taxi because they were all booked up for the next hour.

It would have been a last resort and would have resulted in me buying her chocolates and flowers as a thank you. But in the end, my partner had just got in from work so he walked down and helped me carry the bags back through the snow.

I can't even imagine there ever being a time when I'd feel it was appropriate for me to ask someone to drive out of their way to buy me tampons. In fact, I can't remember a time when I have run out.

I agree with the rest here. Don't engage. Delete and block and wait to see which friend she uses next.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 22/02/2016 16:50

she's started a public argument over Facebook with me

It's only an argument if you reply. Otherwise it's just some weird woman ranting about so called friends who won't buy her tampons Grin

Spandexpants007 · 22/02/2016 19:59

Are her and her daughter on deaths door? What's her illness?

She's got a very selective memory. Can't remember all the times you've helped her out and doesn't appreciate that it's utterly inconvenient to you. Then to plaster crap all over FB is a low shot. That would be the end for me.

I would probably reply 'cant your DD do your errand? Or get a taxi? It's actually a 20 minute detour to yours past bad roadworks. I've done it a lot in the past. Getting shopping weekly, feeding the dogs while you've been away and a 30 mile round trip to the vets. I'm too exhausted.

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