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Original poster

to be sick of my friends treating me like a slave?

186 replies

Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 21:45

Hi everyone. This has been grating on me all day so feel I need to get it off my chest...

I'm a single parent. Have two DC under five (one with moderate/severe autism) and I study full time at university which involves being on placement for most of the week. On top of this I run my own business from home, as well as doing the usual household shopping/chores/ferrying children to and from grandparents 40 minutes away on weekends when the eldest stays to get respite from SN sibling who is violent. The children are also in school/nursery out of the catchment area, not far but a good 6/7 miles each way, and with the youngest's endless hospital/educational appointments etc I seem to spend half of my life on the road. This is fine, I chose to go to uni, appreciate the grandparent's help and am happy to drive that bit further so they can go to an outstanding school.

The problem is, I have no free time, at all. I should be working on an assignment instead of being on here, but I'm so riled up right now. My friends (a couple in particular) seem to think I'm some sort of servant/taxi service. I have to get up at 4/5am a lot of the time for uni/placement/work. And my SN child often doesn't sleep until 1/2am. My car's on it's last legs, because I'm doing on average 100 miles a day. Saturdays are the only day when I can have a lie in (he might stay up until 2am but on the plus side that means he sleeps through till midday!) and then I usually like to go shopping or for a meal in a big city - I live in the back end of nowhere.

Friend 1:
Married, unemployed, one child in school full time, husband drives (illegally) and MIL lives next door who also drives. Yet she expects lifts constantly. To be fair, she's always been a thoughtful friend who would go out of her way to help me with things. But she often rings me at 7/8am on a Saturday, waking me up, to ask if I'll drive her up to see her family and take her to the supermarket. All in all this is a 30 mile round trip. I often don't feel assertive enough to say no, though I have been making excuses lately and explaining that Satudays are my 'free' day. But she still seems to carry on, and she's now started doing it when I've just done the school run and have half an hour free before having to head to work. Sometimes she just wants a lift to town, which is maybe 3/4 of a mile from her house - with a bus stop directly outside that stops off at the main bus station/train station with good public transport links! Her excuse is she hates that it takes an hour on the bus to get to her family - but it takes me half an hour each way! Sometimes chips in for petrol, but rarely.

Friend 2:
Single, unemployed, two kids (one grown up though), lives rurally (though only 2/3 miles from civilisation and there are buses) is a driver but got rid of car to save money. Total p-taker - rarely does anything for me though we have a lot in common which is why we've stayed friends. Asks me for everything and anything bar wiping her ass. Recently had a phone call from her (at 7pm, hammering it down with rain and DC in bed) saying she'd gone away for the weekend and forgot to put her cat in the house, could I go and do it (12 mile round trip) playing the guilt card 'Well, I know you're busy but would it really be that much trouble, he wont survive outside all weekend..." Has also asked me to do insanely stupid stuff, such as picking up a pint of milk and dropping it off at her house.

It's all getting a bit much for me, but I think I'm too much of a people pleaser... people seem to think that because I can afford to run a car, it's fine. I have explained how run down I am with everything in my life, and I get "I know, I feel terrible for asking BUT I'm desperate and too poor for taxis." I've even said before my phone will be switched off on weekends - but then I'm bombarded with emails/messages on social media etc. Especially during 'emergencies' (ie. Friend 1 having another domestic with violent OH who she refuses to leave, and then goes back to after I rush to pick her up and take her to family.)

I guess what I'm asking is how can I be more assertive? I've always put myself out to make other people happy, but when it's at the expense of my health (exhausted all the time!) then I guess things need to change. But I don't want any conflict I suppose...

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 18/02/2016 22:16

I think i could earn a fortune by designing and delivering some assertiveness training. Just say no. Or 'i would love to but...' If you absolutely cannot.

Fluffyears · 18/02/2016 22:16

Turn your phone off on Friday night and ignore social media until later in the day. If they ask for milk to be delivered (ffs who does that?) just say 'oh I'm not able to go to the shop, hope you sort something out. Must go' never explain. And never apologise.

pinkcan · 18/02/2016 22:17

Do you really need to use social media? In your position, I'd delete Facebook and whatever else you have and leave your phone on but ignore these calls if not convenient. I can't actually believe you allow these people to treat you like this.

lamiashiro · 18/02/2016 22:17

What the actual fuck? I am agog at the front of these people. Say no!

CocktailQueen · 18/02/2016 22:17

God, they are unbelievable. Just say no. Switch your phone off so they can't wake you. Grow a pair and tell your 'friends' where to get off.

ClashCityRocker · 18/02/2016 22:22

Jesus, I don't drive but would never dream of asking a friend for lifts - even if they didn't have as much on their plate as you do. I'd be embarrassed to do so.

If you do want to remain friends, I'd send a text along the lines of 'I'm giving you forewarning, I need more time to myself and to concentrate on my family and studies, therefore I'm not going to be able to give you lifts anymore.'

Though to be honest, I wonder if it's worth staying friends with people who are so blatantly taking advantage.

RubbleBubble00 · 18/02/2016 22:22

Why on earth are you doing this stuff. You don't have the time and tell them that.

Did u really get your dc out of bed to go get someone's cat?

AlpacaLypse · 18/02/2016 22:22

Re the social media stuff - this is one reason I got rid of Messenger from my phone. With a text I can pretend I had left my phone on charge or something. Bloody Messenger helpfully informs the person at the other end that you've Seen Their Message.

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 22:23

Pinkcan - I did delete it for a month or so due to this reason. Best month of my life. But sadly my relative who live abroad were missing the usual photos/updates of the DC so I ended up back on there. It's also handy for ASD support groups and such.

I guess I need to grow some balls, yes. When I moved out at age 18 I didn't drive for another four years, and I NEVER asked anyone for lifts, I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing unless offered! I once even walked ten miles to work when I was stranded. I guess since I've made a few other friends recently who DON'T do this, I've noticed that it's not normal to expect so much as they do.

OP posts:
VertigoNun · 18/02/2016 22:24

Having been in the same position as op my experience taught me there is no going back you have to remove these people from your life. Why should op have to take responsibility for managing the people who are abusing her?

TheLesserSpottedBee · 18/02/2016 22:25

Re the phone calls, depending what phone you have you can set it so that it is effectively silent but allows certain people to be able to call you.

So my phone is set to go onto silent at night, then back onto normal settings at a particular time in the morning. But there are people in my contacts list that can get through and it will actually ring me, but I have chosen those people (family, very close friends)

You could set yours to silent but allow calls from the grandparents to get through should they ever need you, and turn off your landline. Simple.

I have an android phone not an iphone.

VertigoNun · 18/02/2016 22:27

Op abandon your fb and start a new one. Only add nice people to your new one and join the ASD fb groups again.

The relative is not good for you.

Has anyone ever gone over healthy and unhelpful personal boundaries with you so you know what they look like?

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 22:27

TheLesserSpottedBee - Interesting, didn't know that! I have a Windows phone but will definitely check that out as I do need to keep it on incase of an emergency.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 22:29

VertigoNun - in response to your earlier message, no I am definitely not on the autistic spectrum! My only issues are I have a social anxiety disorder which I've always suffered with, so I guess that doesn't help.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/02/2016 22:30

Just say no and don't say sorry or justify it. Once you've done it a few times it gets easier. And don't begin the refusal with "I'm sorry".

VertigoNun · 18/02/2016 22:32

You don't need these abusive people in your life they are drains and you deserve someone like you a radiator. Smile

They won't take your loss well. Keeping you fb will make them think you don't post anymore.

You can use your new account don't tell them about iy to do as you please in peace.

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 22:36

Yes, will try that. Or maybe block them from seeing my posts. Damn, I miss the pre-internet days when you'd have to use your landline to contact a friend!

OP posts:
bettyberry · 18/02/2016 22:48

The only time I have ever asked a friend to drop a pint of milk off at mine was when I was violently ill with food poisoning and couldn't feed DS. She came in, made him breakfast, made a packed lunch for him for him later and left a ready meal for him for the evening. That was all because she was worried I'd pass my bug onto him!

As for Facebook. Delete it and then set up a new very private one with no profile picture for relatives abroad. You can make yourself non searchable, not show up in other peoples friends lists etc.

abbsismyhero · 18/02/2016 22:55

if you dont feel strong enough to say no then dont answer the phone and dont answer the messages claim a phone malfunction they will manage (except maybe the cat i would go for the cat) but the human beings can manage! Grin

Teddy1970 · 18/02/2016 22:58

Just echoing what others have said really, they're taking the piss and they know you won't say no to them and milking it to the extreme, just one thing, let us know how you get on when you do say no and don't answer your calls, it should be interesting to see what they say, DO NOT under any circumstances let them guilt trip you, you are not a bloody free taxi service. Good luck!

BigQueenBee · 18/02/2016 23:03

I used to be something of a doormat.
I was the first of my friends to have a car.
Would ferry them to nightclubs ( which I detested) and be an all round dogsbody for anyone who needed a lift.
Just say no. Real friends will appreciate that you have enough on your plate.
You are an amazing person for juggling motherhood and studies with the added stress of having an chid with special needs.
Real friends would be helping you ; not taking the piss.
Just ignore their calls. There are a lot of decent people out there; who knows you might meet them one day?

Alasalas · 18/02/2016 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/02/2016 23:16

Just say no. Don't make excuses otherwise they will try to get around the excuse. Don't say I am busy now because they will ask you to do it later. Ignore your phone when you can and have a list of phrases ready e.g.
Sorry no can do
That is not possible
I am not in a position to do that
I'm afraid I have a prior commitment

2rebecca · 18/02/2016 23:16

Agree that if you are studying and on placement then don't look at your phone, stop going on social media for a few weeks and just start saying "sorry no I've got loads on at the moment and haven't got time". If they don't understand they aren't friends. One way friendship is worse than no friendship at all. Don't be frightened of selfish people not liking you. Find real friends who don't use you and whose company you enjoy.

decisionsdecisions123 · 18/02/2016 23:17

What on earth?? Stop answering the phone to them (or at least its broken and you haven't got time to fix it/get a new one). Actually, just stop answering the phone then text back a couple of hours later saying you didn't hear the phone.