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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be sick of my friends treating me like a slave?

186 replies

Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 21:45

Hi everyone. This has been grating on me all day so feel I need to get it off my chest...

I'm a single parent. Have two DC under five (one with moderate/severe autism) and I study full time at university which involves being on placement for most of the week. On top of this I run my own business from home, as well as doing the usual household shopping/chores/ferrying children to and from grandparents 40 minutes away on weekends when the eldest stays to get respite from SN sibling who is violent. The children are also in school/nursery out of the catchment area, not far but a good 6/7 miles each way, and with the youngest's endless hospital/educational appointments etc I seem to spend half of my life on the road. This is fine, I chose to go to uni, appreciate the grandparent's help and am happy to drive that bit further so they can go to an outstanding school.

The problem is, I have no free time, at all. I should be working on an assignment instead of being on here, but I'm so riled up right now. My friends (a couple in particular) seem to think I'm some sort of servant/taxi service. I have to get up at 4/5am a lot of the time for uni/placement/work. And my SN child often doesn't sleep until 1/2am. My car's on it's last legs, because I'm doing on average 100 miles a day. Saturdays are the only day when I can have a lie in (he might stay up until 2am but on the plus side that means he sleeps through till midday!) and then I usually like to go shopping or for a meal in a big city - I live in the back end of nowhere.

Friend 1:
Married, unemployed, one child in school full time, husband drives (illegally) and MIL lives next door who also drives. Yet she expects lifts constantly. To be fair, she's always been a thoughtful friend who would go out of her way to help me with things. But she often rings me at 7/8am on a Saturday, waking me up, to ask if I'll drive her up to see her family and take her to the supermarket. All in all this is a 30 mile round trip. I often don't feel assertive enough to say no, though I have been making excuses lately and explaining that Satudays are my 'free' day. But she still seems to carry on, and she's now started doing it when I've just done the school run and have half an hour free before having to head to work. Sometimes she just wants a lift to town, which is maybe 3/4 of a mile from her house - with a bus stop directly outside that stops off at the main bus station/train station with good public transport links! Her excuse is she hates that it takes an hour on the bus to get to her family - but it takes me half an hour each way! Sometimes chips in for petrol, but rarely.

Friend 2:
Single, unemployed, two kids (one grown up though), lives rurally (though only 2/3 miles from civilisation and there are buses) is a driver but got rid of car to save money. Total p-taker - rarely does anything for me though we have a lot in common which is why we've stayed friends. Asks me for everything and anything bar wiping her ass. Recently had a phone call from her (at 7pm, hammering it down with rain and DC in bed) saying she'd gone away for the weekend and forgot to put her cat in the house, could I go and do it (12 mile round trip) playing the guilt card 'Well, I know you're busy but would it really be that much trouble, he wont survive outside all weekend..." Has also asked me to do insanely stupid stuff, such as picking up a pint of milk and dropping it off at her house.

It's all getting a bit much for me, but I think I'm too much of a people pleaser... people seem to think that because I can afford to run a car, it's fine. I have explained how run down I am with everything in my life, and I get "I know, I feel terrible for asking BUT I'm desperate and too poor for taxis." I've even said before my phone will be switched off on weekends - but then I'm bombarded with emails/messages on social media etc. Especially during 'emergencies' (ie. Friend 1 having another domestic with violent OH who she refuses to leave, and then goes back to after I rush to pick her up and take her to family.)

I guess what I'm asking is how can I be more assertive? I've always put myself out to make other people happy, but when it's at the expense of my health (exhausted all the time!) then I guess things need to change. But I don't want any conflict I suppose...

OP posts:
2rebecca · 18/02/2016 23:17

You can email stuff to the relative abroad.

twinjocks · 18/02/2016 23:20

My jaw dropped when I read your op, these people are not your friends - they are exploitative users. I would help my friends in a heartbeat if they were in trouble, none of them has ever asked for even one of the things your "friends" are constantly expecting of you. Asides from the firm "No" (with no elaboration) that other posters are advising, I suggest you laugh the next time, and then when they ask what you're laughing about, say "Oh, I thought you were joking, you can't seriously expect me to do X, Y, Z".

AbernathysFringe · 18/02/2016 23:21

Wow OP! I'm doing a pt MA and have one child under 1 and I'm almost at the end of my tether! My friends are lucky to just get a phone call when I'm not feeling particularly sleep deprived! Good friends, however, will not mind and will understand if you say 'I just haven't got time or energy to be social/to do that right now, I'll give you a call when I'm back in the land of the living' or similar.

2rebecca · 18/02/2016 23:22

My phone is on silent most of the time and the mobile doesn't work in the house. If I don't need to I can easily go hours without looking at it. Pretend you haven't seen the message and reply hours later "sorry not got time really busy". If you stop instantly replying people stop expecting instant replies. Or you can use my son's usual excuse and say you lost it down the back of the sofa for a few days. If you do that a few times they may get the hint.

B3auBouqu3t · 18/02/2016 23:22

Turn phone onto silent or voicemail

Block people on social media or create new accounts

Make time for yourself

manicinsomniac · 18/02/2016 23:28

Oh my goodness. I cannot imagine asking a friend to go to those kinds of lengths. You sound like you are absolutely on your knees and I can't believe your so called friends can't see how much of an extra drain they're being. Or maybe they do see and just don't care.

Mind you, as another chronic people pleaser, I also can't imagine saying yes to any of those things apart from the cat. I mean, I suppose I might if it was occasional and pre planned but phoning early in the morning on your day off for a long round trip lift - fuck that! I'd have turned the phone off.

They need to treat you with more respect. But so do you.

kawliga · 18/02/2016 23:35

'Friends' like these latch onto people like you OP. If you ditch them they will find some other cant-say-no to be 'friends' with, and some other exploiters will soon find their way to you and latch on to you before you know what's hit you. Soon all of you will be back to square one, just with different people in the team.

It's like radar, the way exploiters seem to suss out people who find it hard to say no and then dig their claws in. If you find it hard to say no you will always have 'friends' like these. Fix your inability to say no. Otherwise you will look back on your life and marvel at how you doormatted for so many people.

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 23:38

Some wonderful responses, thankyou Grin

Well, tomorrow is Friday and my phone will be going off. My supervisor phoned me last minute to say my placement is cancelled for tomorrow (hallelujah) and I'll be spending the day with eldest child as it's his last day of half term, and he's been away all week with relatives. I know friend 1 is expecting a lift somewhere tomorrow, so the phone will be switched off as soon as my alarm rings dropped down the toilet by DC1.

OP posts:
Corygal1 · 18/02/2016 23:40

We've all had people try it on. It's not you, it's them. Just stop answering the phone. When it rings and you think Oh No I can't be rude, just let it ring. Because they're the ones being rude.

kawliga · 18/02/2016 23:42

I think you should just learn how to say no, rather than play silly pretend childish games about losing your phone. Looks like you'd rather tell lies than just say no, but learning how to say no is worth the effort. There is no easy way to say no. You just have to come out with it: NO.

Original poster
Orheonacho48 · 18/02/2016 23:48

Yes kawliga I know, I need to get over that fear/guilt of thinking I've offended someone or left them in the lurch. Just figured that by starting with the broken phone excuse, they may eventually get the message. But I know I need to stand my ground, rather than end up resentful and angry. I'll switch it off over the weekend, and any messages will be responded to with a 'As you know I am extremely busy - but the bus going to X leaves every half an hour so you should make it'.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 18/02/2016 23:56

Maybe you could practice some stock ways of saying no - literally write a script and practice saying it to yourself. Do not apologise or make up excuses and keep it short - "I' can't i'm afraid" is quite enough. wander roumd the house saying it to yourself then when the moment arises it will come more naturally.

When you get bored with that one you might graduate to "are you having a laugh" or "of course, but I'm charging £1 a mile now to cover my costs"....

tanukiton · 18/02/2016 23:59

switch it off , use the flat battery excuse or what ever. Then next time say Oh I had a great weekend without the phone going off every five minutes and actually had time for myself . I am making a habit now. Then stop and stare direct into her eyes and count to 5 silently. IF she does not get it. It is no no no ..

kawliga · 19/02/2016 00:13

Don't make excuses to them. Don't make up nice lies to tell them. They will never 'get the message'. Don't worry about saying 'no' to them, it will not kill them and they will not drop down stone cold dead because you said 'no'.

This is a lesson you will carry with you for the rest of your life. It is not just for these two friends, being able to say no is really important and you will also have to model to your dc how to say no, so you better get practising.

I used to find it hard to say no. Still do. I just accepted that there's no easy way to do it, there will never be nice easy circumstances, and there will never be a nice reaction once you've said it. You just have to bite the bullet. You won't believe how much money I've needlessly spent over the years just from not being able to say 'no'.

Alasalas · 19/02/2016 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pannacott · 19/02/2016 01:32

Try this assertiveness self help course, it's really good. Try a session a week. Really it's better if you can be honest, tho that might take some time and practise. But hopefully you could say 'I really would love to help, I feel bad that I can't, but I'm so tired and really need some time to myself to rest.'
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

KiwiJude · 19/02/2016 02:23

No is a complete sentence. You don't need to make any excuses. Just say no. You can even say sorry if you want. Good luck, report back :)

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 19/02/2016 02:38

Ive hot DS6 with severe autism and there is no way in this earth I would put him in the car to ferry him about yo do these trips! My answer would be sorry love ... I can't! Even though I'd want to say "fuck right off !!"

Dontdrinkandfacebook · 19/02/2016 04:19

First thing you need to do is just stop answering your phone or reading fb messages etc., if you see its them. Blame the pressures of uni/life/work and call them back two or three days later.

Spend some time time speaking to each friend about how the other takes the piss and how much is annoying you. List all the irritating ways in which she uses you and takes you for granted. Say you are furious and exhausted and are losing patience with supposed friends people who suck up your time and energy when you have enough on your plate as it is.

Hopefully as they are doing very similar things they will each recognise themselves in what you say about the other and have the decency to stop it.

If not then you are going to need to put your big girl pants on and just tell them clearly and assertively that you won't do it any more. If they make you feel bad about it then the loss will be all theirs and you will be FREE to find some better friends.

CooPie10 · 19/02/2016 05:14

The problem is entirely you. You aren't assertive and a people pleaser by your own admission. Well you can certainly change that and improve things for yourself. For a start keep your phone on silent and turn on when you are awake, you can ignore calls and most important just say no without explaining why. Some People will treat you this way if you allow it. So do something about it.

Cinnamon2013 · 19/02/2016 05:26

OP - that first couple of times you say a simple no, you are going to be amazed. You will be taking your power back, and people will respect you so much more for it. If you are dealing with halfway decent people, there won't be conflict, just a positive shift in how they see you. If they react badly - you know they are not real friends. You'll move on and make better ones. Good luck and prioritise your sleep!

Spudlet · 19/02/2016 06:11

They're not going to get the message about a dropped phone - nobody with the brass neck to as so much of someone is going to pick up on any kind of subtle hint! But once you say no, I think you'll find it a watershed moment.

Look at it this way. What is your worst case scenario? Are you afraid they'll shout and scream? Work out your strategy to deal with that. I find angry phone calls can be resolved with 'You're obviously very upset, so I'm going to end this call now. You can call back when you feel calm'. And hang up. Whatever your worst fear about doing this is, work out how you'll deal with it in advance. Then you can go in feeling more confident.

These people aren't friends, they're users. Dead weight. Drop them! You are worth more than this.

greenfolder · 19/02/2016 06:14

The best tip I heard was this.when someone is a cheeky fucker, think "what would they do if I didn't exist? Really if I had never been born? They would be in the exact same position but would have to find a solution not involving me.

Walkacrossthesand · 19/02/2016 07:23

OP, is your friend 'expecting' a lift today because you've said you'll give her one? Because if you have, you should let her know the deal is off, not just go uncontactable. If it's just that you are waiting for her to demand, knowing that she will, then uncontactable is one option, but it would still be 'cleaner' - if you can find the strength - to answer and say no can do. I suspect you'll find IT hard to have dozens of missed calls and texts - you won't get those if you've said no. Good luck!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/02/2016 07:27

Oh my goodness, these don't sound like good friends, you sound run off your feet and good friends woukd never dream of asking, in fact they woukd try to help you. They know you are a soft touch and play on your good nature. You do have to be assertive and practice saying no sorry. I bet once you do, they will scarper.