to be sick of my friends treating me like a slave?

[Orheonacho48]

Hi everyone. This has been grating on me all day so feel I need to get it off my chest...

I'm a single parent. Have two DC under five (one with moderate/severe autism) and I study full time at university which involves being on placement for most of the week. On top of this I run my own business from home, as well as doing the usual household shopping/chores/ferrying children to and from grandparents 40 minutes away on weekends when the eldest stays to get respite from SN sibling who is violent. The children are also in school/nursery out of the catchment area, not far but a good 6/7 miles each way, and with the youngest's endless hospital/educational appointments etc I seem to spend half of my life on the road. This is fine, I chose to go to uni, appreciate the grandparent's help and am happy to drive that bit further so they can go to an outstanding school.

The problem is, I have no free time, at all. I should be working on an assignment instead of being on here, but I'm so riled up right now. My friends (a couple in particular) seem to think I'm some sort of servant/taxi service. I have to get up at 4/5am a lot of the time for uni/placement/work. And my SN child often doesn't sleep until 1/2am. My car's on it's last legs, because I'm doing on average 100 miles a day. Saturdays are the only day when I can have a lie in (he might stay up until 2am but on the plus side that means he sleeps through till midday!) and then I usually like to go shopping or for a meal in a big city - I live in the back end of nowhere.

Friend 1:
Married, unemployed, one child in school full time, husband drives (illegally) and MIL lives next door who also drives. Yet she expects lifts constantly. To be fair, she's always been a thoughtful friend who would go out of her way to help me with things. But she often rings me at 7/8am on a Saturday, waking me up, to ask if I'll drive her up to see her family and take her to the supermarket. All in all this is a 30 mile round trip. I often don't feel assertive enough to say no, though I have been making excuses lately and explaining that Satudays are my 'free' day. But she still seems to carry on, and she's now started doing it when I've just done the school run and have half an hour free before having to head to work. Sometimes she just wants a lift to town, which is maybe 3/4 of a mile from her house - with a bus stop directly outside that stops off at the main bus station/train station with good public transport links! Her excuse is she hates that it takes an hour on the bus to get to her family - but it takes me half an hour each way! Sometimes chips in for petrol, but rarely.

Friend 2:
Single, unemployed, two kids (one grown up though), lives rurally (though only 2/3 miles from civilisation and there are buses) is a driver but got rid of car to save money. Total p-taker - rarely does anything for me though we have a lot in common which is why we've stayed friends. Asks me for everything and anything bar wiping her ass. Recently had a phone call from her (at 7pm, hammering it down with rain and DC in bed) saying she'd gone away for the weekend and forgot to put her cat in the house, could I go and do it (12 mile round trip) playing the guilt card 'Well, I know you're busy but would it really be that much trouble, he wont survive outside all weekend..." Has also asked me to do insanely stupid stuff, such as picking up a pint of milk and dropping it off at her house.

It's all getting a bit much for me, but I think I'm too much of a people pleaser... people seem to think that because I can afford to run a car, it's fine. I have explained how run down I am with everything in my life, and I get "I know, I feel terrible for asking BUT I'm desperate and too poor for taxis." I've even said before my phone will be switched off on weekends - but then I'm bombarded with emails/messages on social media etc. Especially during 'emergencies' (ie. Friend 1 having another domestic with violent OH who she refuses to leave, and then goes back to after I rush to pick her up and take her to family.)

I guess what I'm asking is how can I be more assertive? I've always put myself out to make other people happy, but when it's at the expense of my health (exhausted all the time!) then I guess things need to change. But I don't want any conflict I suppose...

Also, make sure she knows you're annoyed she woke you up! Snap at her if you must, please don't gloss over.

Yay!

Aero - I have told her about online shopping but of course she has no computer/broadband, too expensive apparently, but can eat out most days of the week.

Last week I mentioned to friend 2 that I was on my way food shopping, and she asked if she could phone me whilst I was there so she could give me a list of things she needed! No money offered upfront, she would transfer it the next day apparently... though she's said that before and hasn't, so I did turn her down for that. Plus, who wants to be doing someone elses shopping on top of their own when you have two children with you?! I think friend 2 makes me the angriest tbh, and I really don't think I want to be friends with her at all anymore. Everytime I start to spend more time with her she starts taking me for a mug and I've always had to keep some distance from her. Some of the things she's made me do totally take the biscuit. Friend 1 at least has always been there for emergency babysitting and never forgets my birthday, or even my children's birthdays... but still, I think I need to distance myself a bit from her too.

Doreen - I will absolutely do that!

She hasn't 'made' you do anything, you've done it because you can't say no.

Practise saying no in a variety of ways. 'Aw, wish I could help, maybe try so and so'. 'It's a bit tricky at the moment, I'm snowed under. Hope you find a solution', or just no. To be honest I'd just laugh in their faces at some of these requests.

If you don't like friend 2 say it to her first because you won't mind offending her. You could slag her off to friend 1 saying how stretched you are and what a piss taker she is and you really can't do any errands for people.

OP, if you feel yourself weakening then just remember that by agreeing to do things for these so-called friends you are taking time away from your family. You need to put yourself and your family before these scroungers.

Another thing that always helps me is to never agree to things immediately when asked, otherwise it's too easy to blurt out that you will help them out. I either say NO straightaway or I tell them that I will get back to them later if I want time to work out if I won't to help them or not.

Being direct and being able to say no gets a lot easier with practice. I'm a helpful person and sometimes people can be a bit cheeky with asking me favours. Now that I'm older I don't have any problems saying that I can't help out. I'm not rude about it.

orheo tell her to get a cab. I dint drive as I've failed numerous tests spectacularly, but woukd never dream of imposing myself on anybody unless it is a real dire emergency, like hospital or health. So rude and cheeky.

Why don't you offer to drop round your ironing for your friend to do whilst you do her shopping? Then go for a nice coffee and cake.

Don't give your friends advice about online shopping and how to get a taxi. You are not their mother. They are grown women, and they can figure this out for themselves. Which you very well know.

You are just playing games with them, by giving them "advice" or "suggestions" on how to fix their problems. OP, I get the impression you are sort of enjoying all this slavery drama with these two friends. Maybe your life would seem a bit dull without them - having little fights with them as they treat you like a "slave" is a bit exciting in the sense that there is always something happening with these friends. Because most people would have just said 'no' long ago and be done with it.

Many put-upon people will go for long threads on here, and they will never break free. I think feeling exploited by others is addictive.

kawliga - I certainly don't enjoy it. I want a quiet life with friends who don't take the piss. I don't have a whole lot of friends in this small town. I have never had 'little fights' with either of them - I'm not a confrontational person, or a drama queen. I'm very much an introvert and enjoy being alone a lot of the time. Both of these women are the opposite, loud, confident, always like to be around people. I struggle with social anxiety and tend to overthink and worry incase I upset people, even when I know it's irrational. I got out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship several years ago. I certainly never stuck around because I 'enjoyed' being exploited by him. But obviously that was a much more serious situation than friends begging me for favours all the time.

I agree with Kawliga, don't offer solutions, these are not your problems to solve.

Sorry, OP, I didn't mean to offend you. This is what I meant by little fights:

Last week I mentioned to friend 2 that I was on my way food shopping, and she asked if she could phone me whilst I was there so she could give me a list of things she needed! No money offered upfront, she would transfer it the next day apparently... though she's said that before and hasn't, so I did turn her down for that. Plus, who wants to be doing someone elses shopping on top of their own when you have two children with you?! I think friend 2 makes me the angriest tbh, and I really don't think I want to be friends with her at all anymore. Everytime I start to spend more time with her she starts taking me for a mug and I've always had to keep some distance from her

What should have been a quiet shopping trip turned into a dramatic event. Try going with just 'no'. I don't think your friends will mind, if they are really happy confident people.

Having been like you OP, I think for me there was an in between thing going on. Part of it was being stuck in a game I too didn't enjoy that reinforced feelings. The second part was I simply didn't have the skills or confidence to behave differently. It took years of therapy, reading by myself and one on one. I also took an assertiveness course.

Them treating you as a mug reinforces feeling a slave and not being taken care of. For me it was repeating behaviour my family of origin taught me. I was the female slave, I was to be put down by the men and my jealous mother and meet their needs, when nobody met my needs, cinderella.

Posting here means you gained enough self worth to want it to stop.

Well done Vertigo - I may give therapy a try too, if I can possibly find the time!

PS. Friend 1 has messaged me informing me that she's joined some MLM cult and that I 'need' to keep a certain date free to attend some launch party. I must add that MLM of any kind makes me want to scream! I cringe SO bad at the Juice Plus/Forever Living robots - but that's probably a whole other thread!

And that is your chance to practise being assertive. "I really don't like MLM and I won't be coming to the launch party, but thanks."

So what are you going to respond?

When I was not able to have one on one therapy I studied alone.

No thank you, it's not for me, enjoy the launch party.

Thanks for inviting me but it's really not my thing have a good time x

'MLM? Not my scene, hope you have a good party'.

'Oh gosh, I can't stand MLM. You are very brave. Hope you have a good party'.

You need to nip the mlm shit in the bud.

Good luck with your launch party, unfortunately I won't be able to come as I do not agree with MLM schemes.

OP, use this MLM invite to practise being assertive, say thanks but that's really not my thing. No need to justify/defend/attack etc.

And can't believe how many miles you cover each day and then some more for friends! Say no!

Find a book/online freebie course on assertiveness, seriously.

Start asking them for favours all the time. Reciprocate what they do to you :).

'I've already got plans so I can't be your slave/free taxi service around to do that' is a useful phrase to keep in mind if you get asked to do anything as there's no arguing with it.

It helps that it is true - you always have plans to spend time with your dc, do your studies, etc etc. Your plans also don't include doing chores for users - in fact since this thread your plans have been to actively avoid them.

Don't get drawn into discussions about what the plans are, just say that they can't be changed. Then change the subject to what their plans are for the weekend or anything to get away from the topic. If they do try to get back to it you can then say more easily that you've already told them you have plans so can't do it and that's not changed in the last few minutes sillybilly - and right you have a good weekend, I need to get going, bye...'. And you're off the phone and free…

These people aren't your friends.

Help!

Friend 2 just messaged me (for the first time in weeks) asking if I could go and buy her some tampons and take them round to her tomorrow, as she's ill.

Jesus effing Christ

(12 mile round trip btw)

"Sorry, I'm too busy at the moment. I hope you feel better soon"

good luck!