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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cheeky and refuse to pay?

134 replies

Evaisaiah · 18/02/2016 09:46

It was dm's birthday recently and money is tight at the moment so i took her out for a lunch and bought her a book she wanted, all seemed fine. However dsis knew that dm had been after a new TV so dsis and another sister (there are 5 of us!) decided to buy her a new one.
Now me and other dsis have received texts saying 'Hi E, hope you are ok. Please could you leave the 50pound towards the TV at mums house, cheers'.

WTF, there has been no discussion or agreement at all beforehand that we were paying towards their present. AIBU that this is cheeky?

OP posts:
kazlau · 19/02/2016 08:43

Think it was their mother this gift was for not her daughter.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/02/2016 09:37

Have you been in touch with your sisters since you posted Eva?

wonkylegs · 19/02/2016 09:56

My sister does this kind of crap by txt message as she knows it's not going to go down well and she doesn't ' want the confrontation - she conveniently forgets that it's her actions that are being confrontational in the first place. Mind you my brother never asks outright but drops really heavy hints - I take great pleasure in playing dumb, I know perfectly well what he wants (he likes grand gestures just not paying for them) but I'm definitly not going to facilitate them especially if he can't even discuss it properly. I have no problem being generous but on my terms not those forced by others.
Don't contribute as it just encourages them to do it again.

WhatHo · 19/02/2016 11:55

The thing that really gets me about people who do 'grand gesture' presents is that they use your money to get the glory.

I know that sounds really cynical but it's that combination of a personality that wants to be admired for generosity and thoughtfulness... but not so much they're prepared to use their own money.

Think a breezy "oh sorry, already done, please ask next time' is definitely the way a la fairenough. Otherwise you've got years and years of this.

JessieMcJessie · 19/02/2016 12:39

Laughing at how the other sister on the other side of the world is supposedly excused because of where she lives. It's a piece of cake to transfer money internationally - my DH did it every Mum's birthday for the 6 years we lived in Asia because his sister always sorted the present (with his prior agreement).

The other sister is excused because the TV-buyers probably know she's not a mug. Take your lead from her and stand firm.

2ndSopranosRule · 19/02/2016 12:48

My SIL's done this. Booked a fancy party for MIL's significant birthday without asking then told dh he needed to pay half.

He paid. Then some more when she realised she couldn't actually afford her half at all. Of course SIL got all the plaudits.

It's definitely damaged our relationship.

YANBU btw.

Original poster
Evaisaiah · 19/02/2016 12:48

I am not paying, i have just left it at the moment, if they contact me again i will just say 'sorry, really can't afford it at the moment, you should have let me know before' and leave it at that.

OP posts:
Catsize · 19/02/2016 13:06

'Can't afford it at the moment' suggests you will pay at some point. You shouldn't have to pay at all.

Fairenuff · 19/02/2016 13:10

I can't understand why you wouldn't just send one of the many suggested text messages and be done with it OP. Now you have it hanging over you.

What are you afraid of?

starry0ne · 19/02/2016 13:15

I find this an odd thread Abu .. no don't pay ..Numerous suggestions of message...

OP - I'll leave it then..

It isn't going to go away...Your sister will say why didn't you say something when I sent message.

Are you scared of your sister?

paxillin · 19/02/2016 13:39

Don't just ignoreit, send a text back. No explanation, no sorry though. Just "No, I won't give you £50."

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 19/02/2016 13:47

Don't tell them you can't afford it. Just say you've made your own arrangements.

" Hi xxx didn't realise the TV was a shared gift between us all! I have already bought her a present and taken her out to lunch. What a shame. Let me know if you're thinking of joint presents though next year, won't you?"

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 19/02/2016 13:48

And definitely don't apologise. You have done nothing wrong so don't give the impression you have.

potoftea · 19/02/2016 13:54

No please don't mention not being able to afford it!
That's not relevant. Whether you have spare cash or not the fact remains that your sister was wrong to commit you to something without your agreement.
Mentioning money puts you in a position of weakness as you and your siblings see you as lesser. But you need to be strong and assertive to make your valid and totally justified point.

Original poster
Evaisaiah · 19/02/2016 14:35

OkI guess I'm just going to have to face up to it and message back aren't I Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evaisaiah · 19/02/2016 14:40

I have just sent sparkly's reply 'hi, really nice of you to include me but I have already bought mum a gift and taken her out to lunch, hope your ok, speak soon x'.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 19/02/2016 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 19/02/2016 14:54

Perfect message. Well done.

MilkshakeMonkey · 19/02/2016 14:55

Good on you OP. If you had paid to keep the peace, it would happen again and again x

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 19/02/2016 15:51

Well done OP. I was starting to get cross at you when you said you were just going to pay.
Fair enough if she'd asked you 1st. But to tell you afterwards is just plain rude!

Wineandrosesagain · 19/02/2016 17:27

did she reply?

ineedabodytransplant · 19/02/2016 17:39

Well done, op.

My xSIL used to pull the same stunt. She'd buy something, expect everyone else to chip in and all the credit would go to her as she was the one who passed it over. After the first time it happened I refused to go along with it.

It all stopped when others found out one time that their 'donations' not only covered the cost of the gift but there was money left over which she kept!! Biatch

starry0ne · 19/02/2016 22:36

Well Done...Hope she gets the message

GruntledOne · 20/02/2016 12:19

Good, it seems to me the only way to nip this sort of conduct in the bud.

nilbyname · 20/02/2016 18:49

Just came back to see if you'd done it- good for you op I think your sis can't be annoyed with you- totally reasonable response.