Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cheeky and refuse to pay?

134 replies

Evaisaiah · 18/02/2016 09:46

It was dm's birthday recently and money is tight at the moment so i took her out for a lunch and bought her a book she wanted, all seemed fine. However dsis knew that dm had been after a new TV so dsis and another sister (there are 5 of us!) decided to buy her a new one.
Now me and other dsis have received texts saying 'Hi E, hope you are ok. Please could you leave the 50pound towards the TV at mums house, cheers'.

WTF, there has been no discussion or agreement at all beforehand that we were paying towards their present. AIBU that this is cheeky?

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 18/02/2016 10:22

Read the thread sunshine, it was her mother, and why would OP be cutting off her nose to spite her face? She shouldn't have to pay for something she didn't know about in the first place!

HolaWeenie · 18/02/2016 10:22

Sunshine, it's her mum not child!

RattieOfCatan · 18/02/2016 10:22

sunshine It's her mother who got the TV, not her daughter...

YANBU OP, if they wanted to do joint presents they should have discussed it first!

HSMMaCM · 18/02/2016 10:22

My brother and sister did this to me. For some crazy reason, I chipped in my third of the cost. When DM received her gift, she said, "But HSMM you already gave me a gift, you shouldn't have spent any more money". DBro and DSis stared at the floor and shuffled their feet. No idea why I didn't tell them I'd already done something.

rollonthesummer · 18/02/2016 10:22

Im going agaisnt the grain your dd has got a tv for her birthday. So you contribution is miminal in comparison to what it would cost you to pay for it yourself. Why cut off your nose to spite your face the only person to suffer is your dd. I don't mean to sound harsh but a meal out and book for a childs birthday isn't much at all.

!?

The thread is about her mother, isn't it?!

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 18/02/2016 10:25

It was OP's MUM's birthday, and she chose and bought her own gift, as is her right. Any communal gifts need to be agreed in advance.

Send one of the "No!" replies above. I'd be tempted to snort as well, but that probably wouldn't be in your own best interests, so do resist any temptation.

Sophie38 · 18/02/2016 10:26

I'd be worried about what this will turn into when the time comes to sort out (sorry but) inheritance.

They sound...difficult. I'd see it as a heads up to make sure everything is legally confirmed and totally above board in terms of family-related matters from now on.

KinkyAfro · 18/02/2016 10:27

Jeez Sophie that's a bit of a leap

Lightbulbon · 18/02/2016 10:27

Just say you've already got her birthday present.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 18/02/2016 10:28

Even if it was DD, you don't rope someone in to paying for something by presenting it fait accompli - rude and presumptious.

LastInTheQueue · 18/02/2016 10:31

Sunshine87 it was for her DM, not her DD.
And regardless, people can't make their own plans and expect others to fall in, especially when it comes to financial contributions.

Sophie38 · 18/02/2016 10:34

I disagree - I think it's prudent to be aware of how people see their role within the family and how that impacts their self perceived right to make decisions without consulting all concerned.

Indantherene · 18/02/2016 10:41

DH's brothers had form for this. They both earned a lot more than us and their children were older. We just couldn't afford the amount of money they'd just casually spend. It got really embarrassing.

I'd say no, and nip this in the bud now.

blindsider · 18/02/2016 10:48

The bottom line is, if you try and spend someone else's money for them, don't be surprised if you end up with the bill...

StrictlyMumDancing · 18/02/2016 10:48

What doreen said at the start. They can buy a TV is they want, if they needed a contribution they should have asked prior to purchasing. Cheeky doesn't really cover it!

Original poster
Evaisaiah · 18/02/2016 10:52

Indan, thats exactly it, high earning with new cars, small mortgages, nice holidays etc. There is the assumption that everybody else can afford the same things and if not we are wasteful with money or 'tight'. Grrr.

OP posts:
OOAOML · 18/02/2016 10:52

One of my SILs tried this once (thankfully as it was ILs my husband dealt with her) and presented us and other SIL/BIL with fait accompli 'we've spent this for Dad, so you owe us x'. She has form for ploughing ahead but thankfully everyone said no to her this time and she hasn't done it since.

diddl · 18/02/2016 10:55

"Hahahahaha"

Would be my response.

They won't have to chip in much more than another tenner each, will they?

KinkyAfro · 18/02/2016 10:58

What you are going to reply with Evaisaiah

scarlets · 18/02/2016 11:01

You don't have to say that money is tight, that's irrelevant, you only have to say that you've already bought something, so they must count you out.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 18/02/2016 11:01

Oh we have this from DH's sister. Although it tends to be "Hi DH - can you transfer £1,000 to me. I've agreed that me and my fiancé will take our parents on holiday and that's your share of the bill"

To be honest, it's getting slightly better now. She used to say that DH and she had agreed to take them on holiday and then try and present DH with a bill at the end of the holiday - or DH's contribution was uncapped

Thankfully, I have managed to resolve things by saying that it wouldn't be fair for SIL to be out of pocket so we will transfer our contribution up front - £100! Needless to say, the holidays have been somewhat scaled back!

lacktoastandtolerance · 18/02/2016 11:02

*I'd be worried about what this will turn into when the time comes to sort out (sorry but) inheritance.

They sound...difficult. I'd see it as a heads up to make sure everything is legally confirmed and totally above board in terms of family-related matters from now on.*

Don't forget the fact her sister sent a TEXT MESSAGE instead of phoning, which suggests she is clearly feeling unsociable: indicitive of a downward spiral into depression. I would take action now to involve counsellors, and probably worth giving a heads-up to social services too.

Original poster
Evaisaiah · 18/02/2016 11:06

Kinky, am going to have to think it through as it has put me in a difficult situation as other dsis is just going to pay up to avoid bad feeling and confrontation even though she has already bought her a rather expensive present already (piece of furniture). I am going to look like the ogre aren't I.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/02/2016 11:14

As an asides OP my fil suffers from the same delusion. He's minted and just can't get his head around other people not being the same. If you're skint it's because you are wasteful or being stubborn about spending. It's nothing to do with not actually having any money to spare...you are simply being difficult.
Stupid man has no idea what it's like to have to budget or go without because he's never had to.

Pseudo341 · 18/02/2016 11:14

I expect other Dsis will wish she'd had the guts to stand up to this aswell. Can you let her know now before she coughs up that you won't be paying and then you can team up together? Fuck looking like the ogre, if you let this slide I bet you anything it will happen again and again.