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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cheeky and refuse to pay?

134 replies

Evaisaiah · 18/02/2016 09:46

It was dm's birthday recently and money is tight at the moment so i took her out for a lunch and bought her a book she wanted, all seemed fine. However dsis knew that dm had been after a new TV so dsis and another sister (there are 5 of us!) decided to buy her a new one.
Now me and other dsis have received texts saying 'Hi E, hope you are ok. Please could you leave the 50pound towards the TV at mums house, cheers'.

WTF, there has been no discussion or agreement at all beforehand that we were paying towards their present. AIBU that this is cheeky?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 18/02/2016 14:43

You need to put your foot down or this will just keep happening. You've already done birthday stuff end of story. DO NOT give in and pay

BackforGood · 18/02/2016 14:45

Another who would use what Pictish has suggested.

The fact you've now told us they've done it before, means you've even less reason to have a wibble about it.

You simply can't spend other people's money without it being agreed beforehand - doesn't matter if it's a relative or not, doesn't matter if we are talking about chipping in a fiver, £50 or £500 - it's not their decision to make, and you don't have to justify why you aren't paying for something you never agreed to buy.

CalleighDoodle · 18/02/2016 14:50

No. You NEED to deal with this now and firmly. No apology as that suggests youre in the wrong.

i will not be contributing to the joint gift. I have already organised my own gift and treat for dm. Please discuss it with me in advance before any other joint gifts are arranged.

Cloudhopping · 18/02/2016 14:57

Personally I'd be picking up the phone rather than texting, so much can be misconstrued through texting. These are close relatives after all. I'd be clarifying my position firmly but nicely so they don't do it again. They are taking the piss.

Witchend · 18/02/2016 15:00

We've had similar. Now we just say something similar to Pictish.
Thing is we found they were also presenting t n a way that made out it was either entirely from them or at any rate everyone else's contribution was minimal. the ideas were rubbish and not what the recipient would want too

GruntledOne · 18/02/2016 15:04

Can you work on the sister who's proposing to pay to get it through to her that this sort of behaviour has to be knocked on the head now?

kawliga · 18/02/2016 16:36

OP you sound scared of what your family will think of you. You don't want to look like an ogre. That's your main fear. If you'd rather pay up to avoid looking like an ogre, then that's what you have to do. You are asking if YABU to not pay and everyone has told you YANBU (which you knew already) but the point is not whether YABU or YANBU it is whether you have the courage to face up to your sisters.

PiperChapstick · 18/02/2016 16:38

Cheeky fuckers!

PegsPigs · 18/02/2016 16:47

I like Fairenuff's non confrontational response.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 18/02/2016 18:27

Hi X, there seems to have been some confusion. No one told me about contributing to the TV so I went ahead and got my own gift and treated her to lunch.

^ i think thats the perfect response.

YADNBU to not cough up.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 18/02/2016 18:51

This can be sorted in a casual way that doesn't leave it open for negotiation...

Hi Dsis, this is the first I've heard that you wanted us all to go in on the TV and not just you and OtherSister. I've already bought DM a gift and taken her out. Run it by me next time, ta.

Also slightly Confused by Sophie bringing up inheritance. What's that got to do with the price of fish then?

CalleighDoodle · 18/02/2016 18:52

i still think no matter how non-confrontational she wants to be the message has to specifically say she isnt paying, rather than be implied. She wont want further messages.

Spandexpants007 · 18/02/2016 19:03

'Ive already got mum a gift/taken her out, so won't join you with giving the telly. Maybe it could be your birthday and Xmas 2016 gift to her? Love x'

Keep saying no till she gets the message. Don't let your other sister cough up. That would be totally unfair and enabling poor present buying

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 18/02/2016 19:30

YANBU.

Really irritates me when people decide they want to buy something and expect other's to cough up, especially if they weren't consulted beforehand.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 18/02/2016 19:30

others*

lborgia · 18/02/2016 19:43

IME this kind of situation does indicate how future family finance issues turn out, but obviously that's just one anecdote. Even more pertinent now we know that it's happened before.

You know what you need to do OP!

Bogeyface · 18/02/2016 19:54

If you dont stand up to them this time OP then they will keep doing it because they think that you are ok with it.

So I think a text along the lines of you not realising that they had wanted you to contribute and you have already bought her a gift should do it. And stick to it.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 18/02/2016 20:09

Eh of course she's being cheeky and bloody presumptuous I'd just reply eh what you talking about? what TV? Thibk you have text the wrong person sorry.

GabiSolis · 18/02/2016 20:13

This is so cheeky. It's reads as though they believe there was some sort of prearrangement in place.

Definitely don't pay, you don't want to set a precedent.

WonderingAspie · 18/02/2016 20:31

You need to stand up for yourself now. Tough shit if they feel they have overspent. How dare they spend your money then inform you! I hate this sort of thing, even if it's a fiver. It's rude.

Don't be a doormat and don't let this set a precedence. The quicker you nip it in the bud the better.

quietbatperson · 18/02/2016 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklyglitter · 19/02/2016 07:56

Just say that's really kind of you to include me but I've already bought a book and taken her for lunch.
That is a perfectly lovely gift! Going out for lunch is not cheap and you have given up your time to be with your DM. A telly is lovely too and it's great it's been bought but I wouldn't contribute if you knew nothing about it! Good Luck!! Families!

eddielizzard · 19/02/2016 08:17

another don't pay!

MangoBiscuit · 19/02/2016 08:24

I too have a SIL who does this. It came to a head just before Christmas after we had to say "No, we don't have a spare few hundred quid for an extra present for people we have already brought for just because you think it's a great idea!" and she pestered, and bargained, and tried to offer us paying her back in instalments.

Don't pay her OP. I would just text back something like
"Oh no, I wish you'd suggested this earlier. I'm afraid I've already bought Mum's present, and taken her for lunch. Thank you anyway! x"

WeAllHaveWings · 19/02/2016 08:25

brilliant suggestions above to reply. at some point you are going to have to tell them they need to consult you and get your agreement prior to buying joint gifts. if you don't do it this time it will just become harder to say no as you've set a precedent for future gifts.