Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

john I agree, I've seen posts on here giving this exact scenario only the genders reversed and the responses were very different.

OP I'm with you. I wouldn't be paying off her mortgage either.

I hate to say it, but the replies woukd be very different if it the genders were reversed.

They are in a very long term relationship. It would be ridiculous for you to continue to have to pay her the same amount in 'rent' once she'd paid off the mortgage.

I wouldn't like this if I was you OP. It means you never ever get a chance to save to get on the property ladder yourself.

I don't think this is fair, but agree it's hard to work out a totally 'fair' solution.

I think you should contribute...

but, and here's the rub, she's not treating you as a partner here.

I think if this stalemate isn't sorted, you need to ensure you have your own place. One idea, use some money to buy a second place together and let it out, 50/50. Security to you, investment for her.

I think for you sake, you need to try and buy somewhere on your own. If you want to carry on being with your current partner then fine, but do it on your terms and sort your own security out first.

^ this.

I think there is a bit of her wanting her cake and eating it.

Yes to 50% of the bills, but she has had you sign to say you will never have an interest in the house, but expects you to contribute to the mortgage. I'm a bit uneasy with that tbf.

I agree with paying half the interest part of the mortgage payment but not the capital as you have no interest in the property.

I also agree that if the sexes were reversed you would have many more responses telling you not to pay a penny unless your name is on the deeds.

Run a fucking mile, mate. Pay the bills or pay for holidays but not the mortgage. You're simply increasing her asset wealth at your own expense otherwise.

Chin it off and move on.

She is right, but it could be arranged more kindly.

For example, you could draft a proper tenancy agreement for it, which would protect you in case the relationship breaks down, would avoid arguments about 'wear and tear' etc and also ensure you get all the rights you should be entitled to as a tenant.

The issue for you, if I read you correctly, is that you are being asked to contribute without any actual security for that contribution. Arrange a tenancy agreement between you and that is resolved.

I hate to say it, but the replies woukd be very different if it the genders were reversed.

I agree. In fact they have been on similar threads.

I couldn't have moved in with this agreement, not with someone I considered a long term partner. How come you've been doing this for four years already? Seems like you've agreed to it by going along with it for so long.

This is why nobody should live together unless married and everything should be

Run a fucking mile, mate. Pay the bills or pay for holidays but not the mortgage. You're simply increasing her asset wealth at your own expense otherwise.

Completely my gut reaction too.

LeaLander because ultimately the OP isn't paying towards his future. Just his partners future. He dies, life changes in no way for her. She dies, he's homeless.

Honestly, If the op were a she there would be such a different vibe to the replies.

I think the responses would only be different if the woman were younger, they were planning a family etc

In this case with two people not planning to have children or get married they would be exactly the same.

No one would say 'yeah, your boyfriend should share everything with you Hun even though he's been paying for his own place 20 years and the likelihood of the relationship failing is 65%'

It's 65% failure rate for second 'marriages' - what dick would take those odds as an independent woman who could lose her house and security? Only a yoghurt.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who's seen similar threads with the genders reversed and very different responses.

The more I think about this the more I think you are in a poor position, and your girlfriend is really treating this as a transactional relationship.

I agree with all the posters who said the responses would be different if you were the woman and she was the man.

If 50% of the mortgage is cheaper than renting- is she not doing you a favour?

Why don't you move out and rent? That had lighten the stress on the relationship if you're unhappy with her offer?

Shutthatdoor thanks, but you could have corrected my typo

YABU. I agree with het. You live with her, if you didn't you'd be paying rent. You should look at it as buying a roof over your head for that month, not paying off her mortgage

JohnLuther what sticks out on this one versus the other threads is that on this one, rent is more than what the homeowner is asking for in mortgage payments.

This arrangement allows the renter to save whilst living there, to invest in property themselves once they have saved a deposit.

Shutthatdoor thanks, but you could have corrected my typo

Sorry

Their ages make all the difference to the responses.

Wow. This is my first posting on here and I'm fascinated by the responses received. I do agree that my gender is perhaps influencing the opinions of some. I reiterate again that I am not wanting to freeload. I just want some security. I don't want half the house. But if 20% of the mortgage is outstanding and I'm paying half of that. Would that not mean I'm entitled to a 10% share?

tophat72 how do you feel about the relationship in general?

How serious is it? Are you long term partners?

Whether its true or not this is one of the most interesting threads I have read on Mumsnet.

It really makes you think.

I honestly don't think there are any straightforward YABU/YANBU answers in op's situation.

I think the 'rules' are different when there are children involved and when the house has been purchased while in the relationship.

I empathize with where the OP is coming from but I do think he should be making a contribution. In a partnership I think the best way to split costs is to add everything up, including maintenance, and apply the costs as a percentage of income. If she doesn't want to include maintenance in the costs that is fine too but then the OPs income should be reduced by the amount owed for maintenance when figuring out who pays what. Either way, both of you end up with similiar disposable income amounts.