Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

What would you normally be doing by yourself or with a partner who didn't own a house?
Would you be renting or buying?

Regarding the mortgage, I'd expect you to pay half of the interest, but not necessarily the repayment part.

If you were single you might house share or get a lodger yourself.

Personally I'd think twice about living with a partner would would consider me a lodger. She is treating you like one and she will benefit financially as well from sharing bills with you to afford her house and a better lifestyle.
I'd understand her position better if she had children, not if her inheritance goes to sister.

Would you feel more comfortable if you contributed proportionally more for other bills rather than it being towards the mortgage?

I can see how it could grate with you to be paying off her mortgage with no interest in it, but that's exactly how it is if you rent - paying the landlord's mortgage.

I don't know how long you've been together but hopefully in the future she'll be more willing to share finances and include you in her will etc.

That's a really difficult one. I can understand why she wants to protect her home and investment, and I agree that you should expect to pay the equivalent of rent and not live for free. But I can also see how it feels very cold and as though you are not 'on the team', as it were. Sorry that doesn't help much.

She's only got 5 years left on the mortgage so can't have that much left to pay, surely.

You absolutely should be contributing something.

I'm on your side.

You are offering to pay your share of bills. Ergo, she is not having to pay any more for you to be there.

Yes, you would be living rent free, but if you did pay rent, your 'partner' would be profiting off you as she was paying exactly the same mortgage whether you were there or not.

Would you have your won room there? If you were renting, you would have your own room and presumably the run of the house you were renting; is that the case here? Or are you sharing a room? That would surely warrant less rent as you do not have a space of your own

I feel uncomfortable for you, as it seems all on her terms. It's win/win for her. You pay her mortgage, bills etc and you ultimately get nothing. Not very romantic/generous/partnerly.

I absolutely agree you must pay bills, but her mortgage...nah.

She's right and you are being unreasonable.

If you want the security of a share in your own house save up the deposit for one.

A few years down the line she may want to rethink over her will and the house but that will be her decision. You may want to make an offer to buy a share of her house (as well as paying a share of the mortgage).

In the meantime a rent equivalent to 50% of the mortgage is completely fair.

your own room...not won room

I agree with your partner. She is protecting her assets. You are not married and she is being sensible. If you are unhappy with the arrangement (which you must have agreed to before you moved in), leave and get your own mortgage. If you are unable to afford a mortgage, you will have to rent a home - and you won't have a share in that either.

Given that if she where to die you would be kicked out I think that you have a point.

To those saying that this should be treated like rent. Over a certain amount of money a landlord would be expected to pay tax etc. on the amount should the OP's partner be doing this if the money goes over the threshold?

Yabvu

If I were your dp I would run a mile from you

If you prefer call it rent not paying the mortgage- I'd expect to be paying rent, prob. at "mates rates' as in no the going market rate for rent. You're in the same position now as if you really rented, i.e. you don't have long term security.
Things probably won't change unless you decide to buy a place together or get married - she sounds like she's being sensible. If I was in that position, after years of working and paying the mortgage I certainly wouldn't want to risk my long term financial security.
I do sympathise with you though, it's tricky to be in a relationship with that kind of inequality. Maybe you should move out and get your own place?

Also, you've got your kids to consider. I can see why you might not want to pay into a house that will not be left to them and that they'll have no stake in later in life.

The answers are almost the exact opposite to threads where a woman is moving into a man's house. I assume this is because people have assumed the OP is male.

I share your reservations OP and I don't think I'd be happy. If she were to ask you to pay 100% of the council tax and all the gas bill (for example, making a sweeping assumption that it would equate to about the amount of half the mortgage) instead would that suit you better?

Not sure if that's a good idea by the way, just a suggestion!

It is not that simple.

If you were flatmates she would be right. But you are not. You are supposedly partners. In which case, if you love each other and are committed to each other then you shouldn't really be thinking like that.

What is the future? Do you see marriage on the horizon? Are you in this as equal partners for the long haul?

It looks as though she isn't. She sees you as a "nice to have for now". A good shag, someone who splits the living expenses with her but no more than that. That is fine - plenty of relationships work like that. If that is not what you want - and TBH I wouldn't want that - then leave. It is humiliating

I think it is fair enough if that is a reasonable rate for a lodger. Even if she owned the property outright...

I guess it depends on how much it is. But, yes, you should be paying something in the way of rent - but definitely not more than it would cost you to live alone under these circumstances.

And what biggerboat said!

YANBU I agree with johnluther if the genders were reversed...
Yes you would have to pay rent to a landlord but I don't whisper sweet nothings in my landlords ear..

In the last 5 years of a mortgage the interest component would be very low. I wonder what would happen when it's paid off too? Should the OP pay rent? That doesn't seem right somehow. But then the OP is living much more cheaply than otherwise so they are gaining.

I think the problem in this sort of setup comes when there is a big difference in spending money and insist on splitting equally at what level do you do things? The holidays the partner might want, the OP might not be able to afford and so on.

This legal agreement stuff would make me feel very uncomfortable, if she dies you wod be booted out. That is not very nice and does not sound like she is serious about the relationship. Op is her partner, not tenent, she is treating the relationship in a business like manner for that I would not move in with her. Yes you shod contribute towards half bills, and other expenses' but contributing towards her mortgage no. What when it's all paid off will you still pay a few just for living with her. Your like her tenent, not her partner

Depends what her mortgage is; if it's four or five hundred pounds a month and you'd be paying the equivalent of your share for a room or house share locally, then fair enough. But if she's looking any more than that plus bills, plus a contribution towards maintenance, insurances, in addition to physical help with maintenance/decorating etc. then she's taking the hand. You can't expect someone to pay you rent whilst also taking on the costs and responsibilities of being a homeowner.

I admire her for being forward thinking and cautious in respect of the legal agreement but at the end of the day if you split up you're going to be the one who has to leave, incurring all the cost and inconvenience. She's protected her investment and will have had help with ongoing costs of running her existing household during your time together. She might be entitled to ask you for half of the housing costs, but ultimately your positions (both now and I'm the event of a split/death) are very different. Sometimes it's not appropriate or fair to spilt costs entirely 50:50.

If I was your DP I might say the same, but...it does create an inequality in that she is able to build up equity in the house but your money is not similarly benefiting you in the future as it might if you were paying towards your own mortgage. I think this might be okay in the short term but not great for the relationship in the longer term. However, would you be able to get a mortgage without her or would you be renting anyway? When I bought somewhere with my DP and I had all the capital we set up as tenants in common with me having a greater share of the house than him.

I thought mumsnet subscribed to the equal spare money after bills in relationships pov.

Sounds like if you contribute 50:50 for everything you will have a lot less spare therefore yanbu

I agree with you. When my DP moved on with me I did not let him pay half my mortgage though he wanted to as I knew I was the one buying the house. When we married and the house became a marital asset things changed. If I were you I would move out. She doesn't see you as a partner. She doesn't trust you. Let her buy her own house.

Just a thought though, are you expected to chip in for maintenance/repairs ie. New roof or replacing a boiler? What about improvements? These would add to the investment that you don't have a stake in.

If you're meant to look at it as 'rent', then should these things be covered as the landlord's cost, and not yours?

I agree you should be paying, but have these scenarios been discussed as well?

Sorry, not helping here at all. More devil's advocate :-D

And if the genders were reversed everyone would be screaming at the OP to get on the deeds.

Bollocks would they! So tired of reading that shitty line every time someone disagrees with a male poster!

OP completely agree with your partner, you are not paying their mortgage you are paying rent. If you are unhappy about this then you are free to move out. I wonder if the house was in negative equity you would be so keen to get your name on the deeds?