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Original poster

Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

1000 replies

Tophat72 · 16/02/2016 19:46

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

OP posts:
nocabbageinmyeye · 16/02/2016 20:22

We need figures, how much is half her mortgage and how much would it be to rent a room in your area in a house her size? If the mortgage share is lower than the rent then you are already saving

But I think yabu

LeaLeander · 16/02/2016 20:22

I see nothing wrong with paying rent but the "legal agreement" would turn me off.

eddielizzard · 16/02/2016 20:22

i dunno. i see your point but i see hers too. she's not treating you like a life partner and there is the rub i think.

CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2016 20:22

I also agree with you. You lost your house in the divorce. You now need to work a lot harder to get back on the property ladder before it is too late so youre not paying rent from your pension. Youre in a relationship. It isnt a house share. It would be better for you both if you used your disposable income to buy somewhere to rent that will either in time help you both or be a safety net for you.

AwkwardSquad · 16/02/2016 20:23

I agree with previous posters who have said that if you do contribute 'rent', you should not be expected to pay any household maintenance or repair costs. And do you have any say on furnishing and so on? Because if you're paying rent, then you should be able to share those sorts of decisions.

To be honest, OP, in the same circumstances I'd be getting my own place if I could afford it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/02/2016 20:23

OP- would you be in a position to buy and rent out a small flat so you keep a foot on the property ladder, as she's not keen on your financial security?

Rainbunny · 16/02/2016 20:23

Well OP, I think the consensus is clear that you should contribute and it really is rent rather than you paying to a mortgage.

However, I sympathise as it's frustrating to spend rent money when you'd rather be paying towards house ownership. Are you in a position to buy a house or flat for yourself? You could rent it out if you wanted to stay living with your partner and you would be moving towards the security of having your own home. If you're not a position to buy currently, I would stay put and pay the rent to your partner and it does sound like a cheapet alternative to renting alone. Finally start saving towards a house deposit if possible. If things are otherwise good between you both and this is really the only issue coming between you I advise you to let it go.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 16/02/2016 20:24

In a 'for better for worse' relationship scenario, especially given she's only got 5 years left on the mortgage, and if you would otherwise have bought a place of your own, I'd expect:

  • small amount of rent (to give you a chance to have separate savings either for pension/general savings/invest in a property of your own); or
  • no rent at all.

If there's no way you could afford to buy a home yourself, then her point is: even with your mortgage contributions, you're in a much better position financially than if you lived by yourself.

IS it a "for better for worse" type relationship? Doesn't sound like it.

BlueJug · 16/02/2016 20:24

There is no way this is a life partnership. You are a lodger. You have nothing. Do you make any decisions about where you live, (decor, energy suppliers, garden design???) A life partner would not be homeless with nothing in the event of separation or death.

If I were you I'd be re-thinking this.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/02/2016 20:25

You've not 'contributed' anything though Hmm

If you've lived there 4 years and she was 16 years into a mortgage her portion ( plus deposit/risk/capital gain/ increased property value) is much greater.

Unless you're saying in the event of a split you want your contribution back plus a percentage for inflation? Which will be what - 3 k? 5 k?

I'm guessing you don't mean that and you think it gives you rights to a greater portion.

lborgia · 16/02/2016 20:25

I absolutely see what she is doing but I also think that your relationship is in a very difficult place.
When (now) DH moved in, he was looking for a job but did have huge savings. I was happy for him to pay some bills until he found a job. Once he had a job we split the mortgage and his part was rent. We then bought a house together. It didn't feel difficult, it was an organic process. I wonder at the tension between you, does it appear in any other way?

I think you paying "rent" is reasonable and as a fully functioning and grown up adult you must see that.

I think her keeping everything locked down sounds as if she doesn't trust you/your relationship, she may not have children but has she been married before/a difficult experience? I understand a pre nup but this seems ... extreme. Why doesn't her will reflect your commitment to each other? Not that you should get the house, but at least a third or something? If you get married will this all change?

I think you're unreasonable not to pay rent but i think she is unreasonable too.

Lweji · 16/02/2016 20:25

What would you normally be doing? Saving for a deposit and buying or own? Or simply renting?

If you agree to pay half as she asks, I'd recommend that you still buy your own place and let it, even if it's tiny, as it could give you a small profit and would give you a cushion in case you split.

Skatergirl1 · 16/02/2016 20:25

I agree you should pay to stay. You would always be benefitting the owner of the property wherever you live. You might want to also consider what happens once the mortgage is paid off. Have you discussed this too ? On the logic of what everyone else has said you should still be paying your rent as you would anywhere else. If you don't like it, move out and have a relationship where you live separately. This removes the bone of contention and feelings of inequality.

oneowlgirl · 16/02/2016 20:26

YABU - move out & pay your own way & then it's easily settled.

StealthPolarBear · 16/02/2016 20:27

I know I might be stating the obvious but I suppose it comes down to the following, you either:

  • live with her as romantic partners, but effectively as a lodger
  • live elsewhere, buying a house if that's your preference, but without living with your other half
It's up to you to decide which is the preferred option
MatildaTheCat · 16/02/2016 20:28

Her problem is that we're this relationship to fail she potentially loses her home. So it is unreasonable to expect her to agree to this. It's a shame your situations are so different financially but hey ho. Perhaps she would have preferred to have children which you do have.

As ever,my talking calmly and rationally is the only answer. If you crave security could you buy another property to rent out?

My friend was in this exact situation until recently. She and her partner did eventually decide to extend the mortgage and do major works to her house which means he now has a stake.. They have both altered their wills in favour of one another. He has two grown up DC who will inherit later.

GruntledOne · 16/02/2016 20:29

It does seem a bit bizarre that so many people seem to equate living with someone you're supposed to love to having the status of tenant. Having OP there is already a financial bonus for his partner, in that she's getting 50% of all her bills paid including things that don't cost any more just because two people are using them - and I doubt that OP's presence really doubles the household electricity and gas usage. Plus, if OP were a tenant he would have exclusive use of his own room, wouldn't be paying as much towards household bills, and certainly wouldn't be contributing towards payment for her groceries etc.

SarfEast1cated · 16/02/2016 20:30

OP you are obviously pretty pi$$ed off that you have been left high and dry by you previous and current relationship. I think for you sake, you need to try and buy somewhere on your own. If you want to carry on being with your current partner then fine, but do it on your terms and sort your own security out first.

Oysterbabe · 16/02/2016 20:30

Don't be a cocklodger. Agree to pay her rent and move on.

BlueJug · 16/02/2016 20:33

Let's say in five years time it all goes tits up and she chucks you out. You have no entitlement to notice, no references, no assets, nothing.

If you have your own place you might have a smaller place but you can't be thrown out with no notice, you would have a previous address as a reference, you may even own a tiny place of your own.

She in the meantime has paid her mortgage off even quicker. It costs her nothing extra to have you live there, (except food and Council Tax), unless you have ten showers a day and bask in tropical temperatures! Win win for her.

I wouldn't treat someone I loved like this

Vanderwaals · 16/02/2016 20:33

I think people are being a bit unfair on you because you're not a woman.
I would feel the same way as you tbh.
That's not what a relationship is about, she's not your landlady.

Jackiebrambles · 16/02/2016 20:34

It is difficult op. I'm surprised you have been together so long and having this issue. To be honest I would expect you to be in her will after that long together, if you are planning to grow old together....

Is the relationship happy? Apart from this issue?

Would she consider selling up and investing with you in a home together?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/02/2016 20:34

Me neither bluejug.

LeaLeander · 16/02/2016 20:34

"Am I expected to pay her rent once the mortgage is paid?"

I would not see a problem with this. Adults pay for their dwelling. Why should your girlfriend provide you with a free dwelling - i.e., what is she getting out of that bargain in terms of the security and such that you mention? Why shouldn't she benefit from the fact that there are two working adults under the roof, instead of you benefitting from free lodging?

hilbil21 · 16/02/2016 20:35

I've inherited a 3 bedroom house from my mum. My partner and I are getting married in November and I'm really unsure what to do when it comes to ownership.... He's paying to do it up but living here "rent free" - but what would happen if we split up?! I don't want to get married while also saying we should get something legal drawn up incase we split up, but there's a part of me that thinks we need it! Sorry to hijack your thread but it kind of reminded me of our situation. It's a hard situation for you to deal with xx

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