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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

1000 replies

Tophat72 · 16/02/2016 19:46

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

OP posts:
Devora · 16/02/2016 20:14

It's not about who's right, it's about whether you have compatible views of your relationship.

It's legitimate for her to keep her house as hers, and charge you rent. It's also legitimate for you to say that you need some stake in the future, too. If she wants the first and you want the second, your options are (a) to suggest she sells and you buy somewhere jointly, or (b) tell her that you need the security of owning your own home, and buy a small flat for yourself (can you afford to?). She may decide she would rather have you living with her, and be prepared to negotiate some kind of deal (some kind of sliding scale where the longer you pay in, the bigger the stake you buy?). Or she may not.

I've been in your situation, and it's not easy.

mouldycheesefan · 16/02/2016 20:14

Rider, read the thread, she has bought her own house. Which the op is living in.

Lweji · 16/02/2016 20:15

Whatever you decide, beware of contributing to maintenance of the property.
If you are expected to pay as a lodger you're not supposed to pay maintenance, decoration or anything like that.

mouldycheesefan · 16/02/2016 20:15

Why would you be catered in her will?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2016 20:16

This says a lot about how she sees you. It does not sound like she is serious about you, and just views you as a short term partner.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 16/02/2016 20:16

BikeGeek, I don't think there's a standard MN response, often it's very split. But when they have very different positions (one with children, one with a house etc) it is complicated and any way it is worked out could be seen as unfair.

EarSlaps · 16/02/2016 20:16

I think you should be paying some form of rent if you are living there. However you shouldn't be contributing to maintenance costs if she wants to keep it as a landlady/tenant financial arrangement.

So you pay rent but don't contribute to boiler repairs/insurance, buildings insurance, new kitchen/bathroom/electrics, redecoration above your own wear and tear...

This was the arrangement my DSis had with a previous partner and it worked well for them- he paid half the mortgage (which was cheaper than rent would have been) and general bills but not household maintenance.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/02/2016 20:16

Interesting scenario. Do you feel that there's a future in the relationship - she seems very cut and dried about her will and everything already.

The one thing I would say is that the "cost" of your children and your ex wife are not her concern and nor should they be.

Overall, I think you should remember the position you would be in (paying rent on at least a two bedroom flat, I imagine, at full market rent plus 100% of the bills on top) if you didn't happen to be in a relationship with her.

Perhaps you should do that instead for a year or two? Find out if the relationship is serious and going anywhere? Then re-negotiate about where you live and whose assets are whose.

StealthPolarBear · 16/02/2016 20:17

"
Today 20:01JohnLuther

And if the genders were reversed everyone would be screaming at the OP to get on the deeds.
"
Was just thinking that!

EarSlaps · 16/02/2016 20:17

Xpost with Lweji

Marynary · 16/02/2016 20:17

I wouldn't be that happy. Although seems reasonable to pay rent if you would be renting somewhere else anyway, living with your partner may mean that you never own your own property which has implications for your long term security. I would probably move out and buy my own place.

witsender · 16/02/2016 20:17

Reverse, surely? Of course you should pay something. Call it rent, which is what it is. You wanting to more or less freeload off her would be raising a lot of flags for me if I were her .

Coldwatebay · 16/02/2016 20:18

My dd had a similar situation. She owns her own property with a tiny mortgage left. Her partner moved in and she was careful to safeguard her home (and equity). He pad her rent - the same amount he would have paid for a room in a shared house. She paid all maintenance and bills for the house and they both paid for food.

Tootsieglitterballs · 16/02/2016 20:18

In as blunt a way as possible:

  • yes she is right to ask you to pay half
  • yes you should pay half

However:

As you are partners and not friends, you should (if the relationship is a stable, long term relationship) get that bit of paper you signed changed. You are contributing to the repayment of her mortgage as her partner, living together as partners.

There is a exception to this:
If you were asked to move in, and not asked to contribute to the mortgage, and there is no agreement in place in writing, she can't suddenly expect you to start contributing.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/02/2016 20:18

Your relationship is casual so you should pay rent. Which is still cheaper than you'd pay elsewhere - you said it's half what you'd pay elsewhere so you can afford it.

If you want a relationship with 'rights' like property sharing, pension sharing, retirement planning then get married.

Until you agree to be in a long term relationship it's casual and your partner should protect their property unless you fuck off.

There's nothing stopping you buying a house now is there?

MsMims · 16/02/2016 20:19

YABU.

Why do you think you're entitled to free accommodation? Of course you should make a contribution towards having a roof over your head, but maybe not half the mortgage payment.

I also don't think you should feature in her will unless it's a long term relationship.

biggerboat · 16/02/2016 20:19

She is treating you like a lodger, not a lover. In which case, make sure you have your own room (which a lodger would have), make sure you do not contribute to maintenance (which a lodger wouldn't)...don't be doing her housework (a lodger wouldn't)..I could go on..

Doesn't sound like a partnership does it??

Original poster
Tophat72 · 16/02/2016 20:19

Thanks for (most) of the comments so far. I have lived with my partner for 4 years and up until recently was paying her the equivalent of at least 50% of everything. I think some of you are missing my point. We are meant to be life partners, not a landlady/tenant relationship. I have no issue at all with paying my fair share. I just want some kind of security or safety net reflecting my contribution in the event of our separation. By the logic of some of those who have commented on this, am I to be expected to continue to pay her rent once her mortgage is fully paid?

OP posts:
everythingsgoingsouth · 16/02/2016 20:19

I think if you want a share of the house value/equity you need to buy a share of the house -do you have any savings to invest?

But also, since the money you are paying out is being called "rent" -then you don't need to worry about about decorating, repairs, replacement furniture or white goods :)

BabyGanoush · 16/02/2016 20:19

Op, why would you dxpect to live rent free?

Wouldn't we all?

Were you not paying rent where you lived before?

BlueJug · 16/02/2016 20:20

She can get another lodger to split the bills with. You can live elsewhere, less comfortable maybe but at least you won't feel like the hired help. Then when you see her it will be on an equal footing.

I would do the same as she is doing - to an extent. I would protect my house and assets - but then would not move a partner in on that basis - we would live apart until we were ready to commit completely.

InTheTeapot · 16/02/2016 20:20

I'm with biggerboat. You should not be paying toward her mortgage and regarding it as like rent. You are not in a landlord tenant relationship. You are meant to be in a love relationship.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/02/2016 20:20

It sounds like a rubbish partnership to me.

I really wouldnt be paying her mortgage for her.

JohnLuther · 16/02/2016 20:21

The OP isn't expecting to live there for free.

meran · 16/02/2016 20:21

Of course you should pay 50 percent in fact probably more if she provides accommodation/ heating/electricity for your children if they stay.

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