Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

feellikeahugefailure

I'm applauded by the sexism on this thread.

I doubt either of them has the clap!!

But they don't have to be homeless when their partner dies. Nothing is stopping them buying a buy to let to move into when their partner dies.

It is also partly an age issue. if you've worked 30 years without a break as I have and have a mortgage free house and want your children to inherit the less than half you were left with after your divorce you probably don't want a new woman or man taking anything.

Lots of people by the way sign cohabitation agreements (lawyers have precedents for them and my children's father asked us for one with his new girlfriend before she moved in). She has her own place her child lives in and she lives "free" in my ex's mortgage free house so if they split why should she get half or all his house when she has her own flat already? It is up to each couple to decide how they want to organise things. Pletny of people hate their children and don't want them to get a penny and want everything going to the new lover too. The main thing is you take legal advice and also realise you cannot always entirely in England cut someone out due to the effect of the 1975 Act.

(1975 Act only applying if you die I meant to say. If you just spilt and aren't married and have no cohabitation agreement and didn't pay the mortgage just paid for the food you probably don't get anything and rightly so - it is very important we ensure English law is never changed to give live in lovers the same rights as a spouse as people will often choose not to marry to protect their assets)

Did OP ever ask her to marry him?

Blonde

Er, No, none of the Op's income is going towards his Partners mortgage. As he has stated above, thus far, he has only paid for half the bills. He has lived rent/mortgage free for 4 years.

actually that is not clear from the OP, it doesn't say whether this is a new arrangement the House owner is instigating or whether he has paid mortgage for the last 4 years and despite signing a disclaimer has realised it is unreasonable (which it is) and wants to renegotiate.

And now, he's calculating how he can make money out of this woman when she dies.

He hasn't said that anywhere.

You could say that DP is 'using him' to pay offs her mortgage.

but you won't because it doesn't suit your arguement

Tophat unfortunately you don't get to tell people what to think

I feel you are paying 1/2 the bills and you are disgruntled because some of that is going towards the mortgage

I can't see where you've said you pay 1/2 the bills PLUS a specified amount towards the mortgage. It looks as if you feel some of that money you pay is going towards her mortgage and as her partner, you want a share of the house based on that

You can't tell your partner what to think either. OK some agree some don't but what odds? You're the one who has to deal with your situation and effectively if she doesn't want to assign a share of the property to you (& no way would I, in her shoes - you sound as "businesslike" as she is to the point I was wondering if its even a romantic relationship or some other arrangement) then she does not have to.

No point asking for opinions then talking about "wild judgments" because some aren't agreeable to you. Go to a solicitor get the advice you need. You may like what he has to say, you may not. Those are the breaks in life. I saw upthread you've already been discussing this with your friends and family, who think you are "right". So much focus on this house...

I bet the lady in question would tell a different story. As it is, all I see is a man who is pretty well off, living in a comfortable home with his girlfriend, on a good salary, and is looking to a woman who is not his wife nor the mother of his children to provide him with longterm security. & Im not seeing within that where she has to

I don't see why some are bawling "sexism" when if it were a woman many would be saying you're crazy, 5 years until mortgage free and you're putting some bloke before your kids, don't be so selfish you need to make sure your kids are protected/not disinherited.

In this case shouldn't be any different because OP is a man. He's the one who wants longterm security via his girlfriend she is not bound to provide that nor wrong to want to protect assets and not put a man before plans already in place when they met, a situation theyd already discussed & agreed in writing, and be forced to now change her mind.

This is 2 people wanting different things and 1 of them not accepting how things truly are, but betting on potential as to how they could be. Deal with the situation as it is now, and put your own longterm security in place

I could never have/want all my eggs in another person's basket in that way whilst co-habiting

OP stated specifically that until recently he had paid his partner 50% of everything. That would therefore include the monthly mortgage payments (and improvements to the fabric of the house and therefore its value...). After four years, I am really not at all surprised he is fed up with this arrangement - if all he is is a tenant to her, then they need more legal formalities in place to protect them both and clarify what the money is being spent on, so that it doesn't become too messy when they split (and he will probably then want to move out, as he is clearly hoping the relationship means more to her than that).

"OP stated specifically that until recently he had paid his partner 50% of everything."

I must have missed that. Was it in a later post? I can't seem to find anything with this fucking annoying new-fangled pages system it was all so much easier when you could customise to have one long thread! raaaaaah.

See Tue 16-Feb-16 20:19:40

And this is exactly why I would never cohabit with anybody again.

Posters are talking about her profiting from him if he makes a contribution towards his accomadation without commenting on him making a profit from her if he does not.

i wouldn't expect anybody to financially support me unless there was a reason why I couldn't support myself like shared children.and I wouldn't expect to do so for someone else no matter how much I felt for them, we do not live in that sort of a world anymore.
Expecting to live in a house rent free is financial support.

The op has made a choice to live a more comfortable lifestyle than purchasing his own property would afford.

Nobody knows if he is expected to contribute towards property maintainance and improvements or not, yet many people have assumed he is in my circles that would be a very unusual expectation for someone living in a partners property due to the higher likely hood of losing more if you part company.

Loads of people have refered to her in negative ways because she wishes to protect her investment, they have no shared resources no shared children nobody appears to be limiting their earning capacity in order to support the others. Under those circumstances there is nothing cruel or manipulative about protecting yourself and if more people did then perhaps less heartache would be caused and fewer freeloaders would benefit.

I'm also very surprised by the volume of people who would expect to benefit financially from someone else after 4 years in a will (other than the very sensible 2 months notice thing) what is wrong with securing your own future using your own resources and work to do so?

I've had simeler to Deo with a huge settlement paid to an ex and like her I would do all I could to protect myself from that in the future, ive worked hard for a lot of years to secure my children's futures (the ones who will never be able to secure their own) and to provide a decent lifestyle. No way would I risk that for someone else and I wouldn't ever expect someone else to risk it for me. Not taking risks like that does mean you are a heartless calculating person.

Unfortunately Im experienced in this and it never works unless up you are equal partners.... So either match equity including any gains in house price or buy together from scratch.. Its likely you will always feel like a temp tenant with risk and likely she will always feel that she has to protecxt her investment.. I know from both sides and from both sides it will never work eithout equal equity. unless you take the risk and ask for no equity or she takes the risk and gives you some..either way someone will be at a disadvantage so best most stable course is equal equity.. But bear in mind if she paid £50000 for her house and its now worth £150,000 ... You will have for pay for equity and outstanding mortgage amount...................

Ah, ok, thanks ... found it (eventually) !

Seems sad that these two are going to have to split up or live apart because they can't negotiate an arrangement that is fair to them both.

"And this is exactly why I would never cohabit with anybody again."

All very interesting, sockamnesty, but these two people appear to WANT to cohabit.

Surprised with a lot of the answers on here. You should pay half bills for sure. There is also an argument to say you should pay pay half the interest portion of the mortgage. But you shouldn't be paying half of a repayment mortgage. She sounds like she has gone out of her way to protect her assets which is her perogative but then why should you help her clear her mortgage. If she wants a lodger she should get one, not use you.

If she wants a lodger she should get one, not use you.

This^

It just seems a very bizarre arrangement for a long-term partnership with no kindness, or give and take involved. I know she perhaps resents the fact OP doesn't pay rent whilst she is paying a mortgage, but he has other large costs to cover, which she doesn't. And the house is hers. This obsession of things being 'equal' can actually turn out to be quite unfair, and certainly anti everything a relationship should be - love is patient, kind etc.

bibbity Seems sad that these two are going to have to split up or live apart because they can't negotiate an arrangement that is fair to them both. I think the 'issue' is a red herring. It's just a symptom. The lack of trust, kindness and commitment is a far bigger issue of why they should split up.

Renting a room off a friend is different IMO to living in a mutual relationship.

I agree with the OP - I would be happy to pay 50% provided I got some security in terms of equity

I think you agree with me actually MerryMarigold!

Honestly? Move out. I've seen this situation before - exact circumstances you describe re divorced partners etc - where the man was paying 'rent / contribution to household expenses'. When they split up it was taken to court and woman was ordered to pay him a percentage of the capital increase of the property as it was deemed that he had been contributing towards the mortgage. Since you have signed an agreement saying that you will not be entitled to any of the capital gain between moving in / paying rent and moving out I guess that leaves you stranded. If I were you I would see if you are in a position to buy yourself your own property and live in it if needs be or use any rental income to pay a negotiated 'contribution' to your partner. Otherwise you will have no security in terms of property if this relationship comes to an end. You need to consider your own long term finances. Maybe also check legal advice as to protecting your assets in case of a split with her. Sorry if that seems a bit cold but that's the cruel fact of the matter IMO.

If you want a serious relationship with someone, get a new place together. This kind of arrangement is always fraught with problems.

They may well want to but one appears to wish to benefit long term if they contribute a fair amount towards their own living and the other wishes to protect their investment.

Both of those view points are not compatible

I personally would never contribute to a mortgage that didn't have my name on it.

Secondly if she wants the house to be completely hers and to will it as she wishes and so on she should pay the entire mortgage herself. Letting someone else contribute muddies the waters.

The lack of trust, kindness and commitment is a far bigger issue of why they should split up

Protecting yourself is not a lack of trust commitment or kindness.

Someone who does not wish you to protect yourself in the name of love is someone most people would be better placed if they ran miles away from.