Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

YANBU.

I'd offer to pay half of the interest only. You are not renting a room.

I'm applauded by the sexism on this thread.

You ask what is 'fair'. I think that depends on each person's particular point of view as evidenced by the posts in this thread.

My personal view is I'd be worried that you have moved in and would be happy to live off my hard work 'rent free' only contributing to bills. The fact you even mentioned wanting a 'stake' in the house if you paid money for rent would send up huge warning signs to me.

You sound angry that she is better off than you are and are expecting her to help fund your lifestyle after your divorce just because she has no dependents.

I think what she did was prudent with regards to her property. She may have been burned before financially hence what seems to you a 'cold' attitude is just her protecting herself.

You admit you are living cheaply in her property. I suggest you save the remaining money you would have paid in rent etc if you were on your own for what the future might bring.

My personal view is I'd be worried that you have moved in and would be happy to live off my hard work 'rent free' only contributing to bills. The fact you even mentioned wanting a 'stake' in the house if you paid money for rent would send up huge warning signs to me.

Flip side of that is you want the OP to pay 50% of the DP mortgage and if they split the DP benefits and the OP is out in his ear.

The DP needs to be careful however if her intention is for OP to get nothing, as there was on the TV today another case where they weren't married but they contributed and a successful claim has been made on the house.

It isn't as cut and dried as 'it's hers'.

Thank you wise woman and blindsider.

I'm a very lucky woman and I was delighted when DH said to our solicitor that if he is the last to die then anything he has left is shared between my children and his nephew.

Altogether now...ahhhhh!
;-)

We are of course going to live a long, long , long time until we reach an age when we don't give a toss...lol!

I think that the issue is, as this thread shows, that there are two completely reasonable, but completely opposing views. You and your partner do not share the same view and this a major incompatibility in your relationship.

I don't think she is being fair - I agree with the comments above about how long you have been living together however, a year is different from 10 years. But more importantly I think is how it is impacting your relationship. Could you get some counselling about this? There comes a point when IMO she should let you take a financial stake in "her" home - because it is the right thing to do when it is "your" home - otherwise you could look to raise a mortgage on a small 1 bed place yourself but then you wouldn't live together. That doesn't mean you need to be 50:50, which clearly you shouldn't, but that it should be recognised. Also between partners I do not think that equity and fairness is the same as equality. I now earn over double what my husband does - but our income is family income and he can spend it freely - and when we first met, he earnt lots more than me. If you were a woman, I do think some people would feel differently about this. And I think paying rent is different from being in a relationship with someone who is paying a mortgage, hopefully one that you both hope will last for the rest of your lifetimes. If she wanted "equity" you could both move out of that house and rent somewhere together, but why would that be in either of your interests? There are all sorts of arrangements you could set up.

There is lots that confuse me on this thread...

Presumably your children have either one or 2 rooms in the house

Assuming the house was bought 20 years ago..Mortgages were much cheaper... So rent will be much lower... Paying half the mortgage is much cheaper than any rent you could pay...

However you comments about when your children stay seems like she has nothing to do with them..

You need to find some way to sort out your financial security...

You haven't posted a lot but there doesn't seem much between you...Assuming your relationship lasts in 5 years you will be rent free.. One child ( assuming not at uni will not need maintenance ) you could be in a very different position then..

Flip side of that is you want the OP to pay 50% of the DP mortgage and if they split the DP benefits and the OP is out in his ear.

But he hasn't paid 50% of the mortgage, has he? The mortgage only has five years to go so it would be a small amount.

I suspect in the OP's partners mind, she looks at this situation as no different if he rented independently and the landlord was a Buy To Let. If it helped the landlord pay off their mortgage, the tenant would not receive a share in that property.

The OP has posted so little that - sorry to be cynical - it's starting to look like one of those 'ah ha! See! This was a test to show up MN hypocrisy!' threads that seem to be rather popular these days.

Alasalas
"It's pure greed and all 'me,me,me'.
I would advise the woman to seek legal counsel and protect herself to the hilt as her partner doesn't seem very nice. Sorry OP but your attitude is worrying!"

And yet exactly the same could be said about her

sheffieldsteeler

If you believe that then report the thread.

Thats my thought Sheffield and I'd say its a 50/50 split OP.

I moved in with DH when he owned and I had previously rented.
I paid half the costs of living there, then after a few years we got married.
I didn't feel it was unfair at the time, I would have been paying rent anyway.
If it looks like you aren't going to get married, then now is the time to think about if you'd be better off investing in your own home I suppose.
I don't think either of you is right or wrong, you just seem to want different things.

Yes, there are two perfectly reasonable but very different views on the thread. Neither is right or wrong. I wouldn't want a new partner getting a penny having already had to dole out nearly £1m to a man to the detriment of our children. I am not doing it again. If he can't earn his own living and buy his own house then that's just tough.

However I can see the other view point too - that you put your new sexual partner above your children in the inheritance stakes.

not necessarily saying it is, just that when a poster starts a controversial thread, providing the bare minimal information and then steps back completely from the ensuing bunfight, despite a lot of posters offering advice and personal experience that could be useful, it does make you wonder what the OP hoped to get from the thread in the first place.

I think it is rather harsh to tell a lifelong partner that once you die you'll be homeless and your welfare isn't my concern anymore.......

Reach a compromise. Pay a little rent and save the rest. Or get a buy to let.

I thought it s bit much her having you sign the agreement. Alarm bells would be ringing

sheffieldsteeler

Quite frankly, the OP did come back at regular intervals.

The thread is just going round in circles right now with people coming in with things that many have said before, or putting forward arguments that had already been commented on before (including the legalities). With many not having read the thread, clearly.

By the time the OP last posted he will have had enough points of view and information to decide for his own. I see no reason for him to get back.

As for why I'm still posting? :) Mostly to dispel some myths (and because I haven't hidden it yet).

I think the whole relationship sounds a bit messed up, but yes you should pay if you're living there.

Hi there. I'm new to this and have been amazed at the debate this has generated. Most of it very constructive and reasonable. Sadly I seem to have been demonised by many others. I can assure everyone that me and my situation are very much real. If people are interested, I will explain more this evening by way of context. Can I just make the point now though that I am a proud, decent man who has always paid his way. I'm not trying to screw anyone over. Disagree with my stance by all means. Just please don't form wild judgements about my motives. Thanks again for all the feedback

GruntledOne Thanks so much, for calling me a Dick, as you thought I hadn't read the post properly.

The OP said this: My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

You said this (in reply to someone) Maybe the fact that a hefty proportion of his available income is going towards his partner's mortgage and the expenses on her house?

Er, No, none of the Op's income is going towards his Partners mortgage. As he has stated above, thus far, he has only paid for half the bills. He has lived rent/mortgage free for 4 years.

So, I think you'll find it is you that hasn't read the Op correctly. But I am not going to call you a Dick, because I'm not 10 years old.

That aside, maybe if the Op had married his Partner, she may feel differently about the situation?

I changed my will to include my DH after we got married.

The Op hasn't put a ring on it. He's lived rent/mortgage free for 4 years. And now, he's calculating how he can make money out of this woman when she dies. It all sounds very cold and calculated. If I had come through a rotten divorce and was lucky enough to meet a lovely guy, fall in love again, and he had a lovely home that he let me move into, I can guarantee you, the LAST thing on my mind, would be how I could somehow make some cash out of him when he died. And I would pay "rent".

Fair play for coming back, OP - this is an issue which touches a lot of raw nerves for posters, as you can see!