Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

You want total, shared commitment. She is not ready for it and is aware that the gun is loaded in your favour if she were to chuck everything in with you. Thats the crux of the matter, and neither of you are right or wrong. But i can see how terminal this would be.

The logical solution is the one she is taking (probably on legal advice), and you want her to go for the emotional solution (life partners, yada yada).

Either you get out now, or take a leap of faith and assume that she will throw it all in with you at some stage. From what i see on the relationship boards, the fallout from doing the latter and being wrong is pretty painful and seems to happen a lot. Only you can make the call whether walking out now is a less painful prospect than taking a gamble.

A compromise that might appeal to her logic is to insist on another legal agreement being drawn up now, that reintroduces some rights for you over the property in, say, 5 years' time.

I think the similar salaries and different financial commitments is a red herring. The question is do you want to make a financial commitment to each other? Throwing your lot in with someone else (whether by getting married, buying a house together or having a child) is always a bit of a leap of faith and one that is even harder to make when you have had your fingers burned before. If she doesn't want you to have a share in her property, but you don't want to throw money away paying rent then perhaps you should think about getting your own place and moving out - not necessarily ending the relationship but ensuring you have the security of a home of your own that she already has. How would she feel about that? Of course it may be that that is not remotely an option for you in which case ask yourself whether you are better paying rent to live in her house or whether you would feel better about paying rent to a random landlord (all money down the drain whichever way you look at it). It is a slightly awkward situation renting from a partner (or even friend) - if that is what happens then you need to fix an amount and be clear that all other expenses fall on her. Don't do what a friend of mine did and pour money into renovations and decorations only to be left with nothing when the relationship ended. It doesn't matter whether you are a man or a woman - the same principles apply. Go into it with your eyes open and act accordingly.

I agree with you. It's nothing like proper renting. You don't have any rights! If you break up or she dies you will be kicked out. You won't have a couple of months to find somewhere else.

There was a similar thread a few months ago, with reversed genders. Nearly everyone said the man was disgusting for wanting half the mortgage paid. Apparently he would be making a profit off his parter, he'd be paying the mortgage anyway and she didn't have any security. People said she'd be insane to pay towards an asset she didn't have a stake in.

We have less than 5 yers to pay on our substantial mortgage.The capital outstanding isless than 20% of the original mortgage and the mortgage is now down to less than 10% of the value of the house. Although our payments are high, as they have always been the interest this year will be less than £1k as in the final years it is nearly all capital y;ou are repaying.
The girlfriend here would be a total idiot to do anything to prejudice her ownershp in full of the properlty she has probably paid 90% off already and if - as some people have suggested upthread he was to pay 1/2 the interest that might only be about £500 a year! I'm with most of the others, he should pay a "rent" otherwise is he not that wonderful MN phrase a "cocklodger"?

Quite right to - it is insane.

She should bloody well pay tax on his rent.

Btw, a cocklodger is someone who only contributes sex towards the relationship and little else. Doesn't pay bills, does nothing at home, etc.

The issue of paying towards half of the mortgage is quite different.

I'd like to add, I do agree you should pay half of everything else. I just think you should only pay half the mortgage if she draws up a tenancy agreement.

He's not on the mortgage, so will have had to sign away any claim on the property for the mortgage company, my ex had to when we first bought a house together and took out a mortgage just in my name.

Would I pay towards a mortgage for 9 years and have no security at the end of it? No way in hell.

YANBU OP this would not be a relationship I would want to be in. I don't think she sees your relationship as anything that serious, she isn't willing to give you any security and you aren't even in her will? Fuck that. You both obviously want different things.

YANBU. Perhaps you could buy a property of your own, rent it out, and see what you can afford to pay in rent after that. It might give you some security. I don't think she's a keeper though. I'd be looking for a way out if I were you.

Agreed. At a minimum I would ask for a legal agreement that on the end of the relationship or her death you get 2 months notice. Also that you are not responsible for any upkeep to the property or insurance costs. Notice can be exchanged for 2 months worth of rental payments and a deposit on a new rental property if both parties agree.

If she wants it to be a business relationship if had to be fair to you both.

At least she has made the situation clear: OP should be looking out for himself and saving and investing like crazy in his own name to make up for his lack of housing security. He should contribute nothing to improvements to the fabric of the house, minimise joint purchases, ensure they do not have any joint savings and not leave her anything in his will.

Would I pay towards a mortgage for 9 years and have no security at the end of it? No way in hell.

That is what many renters do, they pay someone else's mortgage with nothing to show at the end.

Renters do yes, but this is a couple.

I wouldn't want to be treated like a renter by my partner.

But renters are not in a relationship with the landlords and aren't responsible for property maintenance. And have exclusive use of the property or part of it. They don't have to share and have expentancy of privacy.
Quite different situation.

Well, it's going round in circles already, OP.
I hope you have found a solution that works for both of you.

But you do have security soupdragon. You have to be given notice. If the boiler goes, it's not your problem. If the place needs redecorating, it's not your problem.

Also the place is your home. OP is like a lodger. He is living, in what I'm sure she makes very clear, is her house. Probably paying towards things a renter shouldn't, yet not having any legal rights at all. They break up and his stuff will be on the front step.

That is irrelevant IMO.

Regardless, if you don't agree, then move out.

Not irrelevant at all.
He is either a tenant or he's not. If he's expected to pay as a tenant, he should have the rights of a tenant.

You kind of both are IMO. Reasonable of her to expect you to pay "rent" whilst there is a mortgage on the property. Reasonable of you to be concerned about being turfed out if she dies.

Have you asked her to alter her will so that although her beneficiaries still get the house on her death, if you are still living in it you gave the right to stay and not have it sold out from under you?

She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her.

And yet he still wants to live "rent free" and thus even more cheaply.

Clearly they have different expectations and, as he states, thing are "looking terminal"

There is no way on earth I would give a future partner a share of my house.

Not irrelevant at all.

In your opinion. Just like, as I stated, In my opinion it is irrelevant. That's the thing with opinions, they differ.

You should pay 50% of all the general household expenses. But a mortgage is an investment: if she doesn't want to share the proceeds of that investment with you, then she cannot expect you to pay towards it.

If you do pay 50% of the mortgage, then I feel you should be entitled to 50% of any increase in the property value from the time you started contributing.

To be brutally honest I think you should really assess whether this is a good relationship for you. You are supposed to be partners (although I don't know how long you've been together). I'd be worried that if anything happened to you and you were unable to contribute financially she might dump you...

There is no way on earth I would give a future partner a share of my house.

There is no way on earth I would pay towards someone's mortgage and have even less security than if I was an actual lodger somewhere.