Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

I agree with you OP.
You dont have the security of a roof over your head, and will need to move out immediately if your partner dies before you. So you will need some funds for that.

People who pay rent get treated better than that, they have some legal protection, and you are not a lodger.

If paying her what she is asking for leaves you with more money than what you'd have should you be forced to find your own accommodation, I'd call that a win. I'd also put away the money I'd otherwise have spent away to invest in my own home or some other source of security.

You're living cheaply, as you say. Where would you be if you hadn't met her?

OP, if you're going to be paying money into anyone's mortgage it should be yours. It doesn't sound much of a relationship - if you have signed away any entitlement to the property should you split and everything she has goes to her sister and nephew then clearly she doesn't see it as a long term thing.

Are you in a position to buy a place of your own. Taking in a boarder/lodger could help (maybe your partner could move in and make a monthly contribution equal to half the cost of the mortgage lol).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2572739-whether-to-add-fiance-to-deeds-of-house

Interesting thread that seems to have been inspired by this one.

If you were renting you'd be paying LL's mortgage (and wouldn't be in their will!).
YABVVU

I would be getting some independent financial advice immediately. Paying half of the mortgage seems unreasonable since if you are a 'renter', you are effectively renting half a room. Also, you need to think of your future - what happens when you retire? You need to get your own financial security for when you retire. I think you need to get a place of your own and rent it out or live in it but a financial advisor is the best way to go.

My partner owned the house we live in when we met. I've never paid rent but pay towards insurance, wear and tear without gaining any share of the house. Improvements we both want but add value we pay together but should we split he has to pay me back my half of the costs.
Would something like that work for you both?

Sorry. I agree with her. You have to pay for a roof if you rent. You never get anything back.

My partner of 10 years lives with me and pays 'rent' (half the mortgage). The house is in my name only, and as I'd lost a house previously due to a bad breakup I've been very clear it's 'mine' if we split. It's way less than market rent and I've been encouraging him to save the excess to buy a property in his own name. Not to get rid of him but so he knows he's got the security of his own place (we plan to rent one out). I have seen so many people stung by breakups I am pragmatic rather than romantic!

YABU.
I would do exactly the same as her.
You have a cushy number. Why not move out and pay your way somewhere else?

Sorry, haven't read all the responses but I would find it very hard to be in a relationship with someone unwilling to make allowances for their greater wealth and my greater responsibilities in the form of children. Yes, she should protect her assets but you deserve some consideration too.

If you (a general 'you') find yourself single at 40+ maybe separate homes is the way to go, judging by this thread.

I would feel too beholden in that situation, a power imbalance. I would rather buy somewhere together and register the amounts put in seperately or buy somewhere of my own.
The good deal financially wouldn't make up for the insecurity for me.

I think she's right. She wants separate finances and you aren't entitled to insist otherwise. It's not her responsibility to fix your finances.

If you want a property, buy one and rent it out. What's stopping you?

Even if you are paying "rent" you are still financially better off than on your own, because it's less than market rent and you have flexibility to buy a rental property.

If I were to remarry if consider doing this...my home is my security. If the guy pushed the point I'd assume he was trying to undermine my security.

If the OP had not signed a written agreement, this could have happened (implied trust or constructive trust):

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-live-with-your-partner-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-live-with-your-partner-and-you-own-your-home-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-beneficial-interest-if-your-partner-owns-the-home/

If the OP's partner wants him to be a lodger, she needs to make sure the Rent a Room scheme applies and that he is not paying her more than £4,250 per year or she is taking part in illegal tax avoidance. Tbh, her arrangement does not sound eligible to be "rent a room" as he seems to have access to the whole house, not just one floor or one room, and including all the bills he is paying, I'm fairly sure he is paying her more than £4,250 per year.

www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/becoming-a-resident-landlord

Basically, I think she seriously wants her cake and to eat it and if I were him, I would smell the coffee and get out: she wants what she can get out of him without wanting him that much. This is not a long term relationship, it is an exercise in financial self-protection. OP needs to become more savvy at financially protecting himself - unlike her, he has a young family to support.

You have a cushy number.

I think it's one of those situations where there's no right or wrong answer.

There's an opinion that it should be viewed as rent and why should you live somewhere for free.

But I'm of the same opinion as the OP, that they're life partners not a landlady and renter. When Dh was my DP and moved in with me I didn't charge him rent even though I was paying the mortgage. It was a couple of years before we got married and he does pay the mortgage now (all of it)

But then I also think it's odd that after living together four years she isn't leaving you the house in her will. Surely most people leave stuff to their partners after four years of living together? This is a long term relationship!

He should definitely buy his own property if he can.

I agree that you should find somewhere to buy even if it's a cheap terraced house and either rent it out to cover the mortgage or move in yourself. It will give you some long term security which you don't have at the minute.

If I lived someone Id be aware of the fact they'd lost their house through divorce, that they had two kids to contribute to.

In a way she's profiting from the relationship. Having him living there doesn't make the mortgage more expensive, she would have to pay it regardless of if he were there or not. She's already better off by the fact OP is paying half the bills because an extra person doesn't double the bills at all.

OP the bottom line is that you have no security. The crux of it all rests on just how important that is to you..and it seems that it is.

Your DP isn't going to change her mind, least of all when she has a lot of support from "her side". So it's up to you to make a change, which essentially means that just as she's looking out for her interests, you need look out for yours. Nobody else will.

Your children aren't tiny, but they're young enough that you need security for them for a good few years.

I'd go for the less cushy option that brings YOU security and buy your own place. If you don't provide security for yourself, you're simply not going to have it. If you end up breaking up over this, never mind if she dies, you're also not going to have anywhere to live. That's not a strong position to be in in any relationship, regardless of sex or gender.

Good luck with it all. It's not a nice situation to be in.

Are you partners as in 'business partners'? Why should you contribute to her mortgage if you are not considered to be part of the family?

Paying your fair share of the bills and other life expenses is fair and reasonable. If she asked you to pay rent when you moved in with her, then I would still find that a bit weird, but at least it would be calling a spade a spade.

This situation would make me question how serious the relationship actually was. Sorry to be blunt, but that's my perspective.

She is taking advantage of his emotional attachment to her to avoid tax - it's a tenancy when it suits her to see it that way, and not a tenancy when she talks to the taxman.

I think the bigger issue is that this relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Whilst you live together, she obviously doesn't see you as serious partner material. Get out of there.

OP, I was in your shoes a few years ago as I moved into my boyfriend's house. We both have similar incomes.

I ended up paying a contribution which worked out to be a bit below the market rate if had I rented elsewhere. In my case, my boyfriend had previously had lodgers to help pay the mortgage, so he was missing out on that income once I moved in and the lodgers moved out.

I actually posted on here at the time to ask what would be fair, and this arrangement was what most people deemed to be fair.

As it happens we ended up moving countries, so now he rents his house in the UK out to tenants and we both pay rent 50/50 in our current property in new country. The way I see it, I'd be paying rent no matter where we live, so I had no issue contributing to his mortgage.