Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

Apologies for not reading the whole thread but what happens in 5 years when the mortgage is paid off, will she still expect you to pay something towards the roof over your head (and ultimately adding to her savings) or will you both live there mortgage free?

Yes but she isn't his landlady she is his partner, and either they are planning a shared future together or not. If she doesn't want him to have any equity in the house I think he should split the bills in half and then perhaps cover most of the groceries as a gesture. But I have serious reservations about the fact they are cohabiting if they aren't considering each other as potential partners in life. When I first lived with dh before we married I didn't pay anything in bills or mortgage payments, it was very early days and this kept things clean cut, if it didn't work out I'd take my bag and go on my way. He had already had to buy out another ex from the house and was very happy to continue paying bills he would already have been paying had I not been around. Since then we married, sold the old house, combined funds and purchased a house we can really call ours. I can understand her wanting to protect herself but there are things other than financial that either can bring to a relationship and think her obsession with money a bit off. It sounds to me like she isn't really looking for a potential life partner but just a lodger with benefits.

We are all divided on this. I am in the camp of someone divorecd with a lot of equity (and in fact no mortgage now) and I am old enough to want my 5 children to have everything if I die. If I marry again if he cannot support himself and his heirs then that is tough - he should get a higher paid job or work harder but he would not get a penny.

There is nothing to stop this chap if he wants skin in the game from buying a flat to let out so he is contributing to property ownership and if they split up he has something to fall back on.

To be brutally honest I think you should really assess whether this is a good relationship for you. You are supposed to be partners (although I don't know how long you've been together). I'd be worried that if anything happened to you and you were unable to contribute financially she might dump you...
This. The fact is you are not equals in this relationship and the ball is very much in her court as to whether she wants to rectify this. Some might ask why should she? The question you need to ask is what are your options if she doesn't.

What's the going rate for a room in a house in that area? Pay that as well as half other expenses. Or move out and buy your own place?

How long have you been together?

I own my own house, dp pays bills and has no claim on my house. Why should he?

If op wants to own a house, he could buy one if he feels his contribution towards his partners house should earn him the right to own part of her house, he can surely go out and buy a house to prove his point?

I personally would not downsize just so dp could get a foot on the housing ladder & DP wouldn't expect me to. If we sold up and bought another place it would be bigger and my deposit protected legally as it would be bigger than my DP's.

In economic terms you should be paying the interest element of her mortgage but not the capital element.

That means if she is on a repayment mortgage and will always own 100% of the equity in the property she should pay for 100% o that equity. You should not be making any f the capital payments.

The monthly payments on a mortgage have a capital element and an interest element. In the early years it is nearly all interest and in later years it is nearly all capital.

You should find out what the interest element is and pay her half of that. She will benefit when she sells the house and you will not.

The alternative is just pay her as if you are a lodger and she is renting out a bedroom on the rent a room scheme. It must be fairly easy to find out what a room costs to rent in that area.

Oh wow just read more, 5 years together, so this isn't a relationship in its infancy? No wrong wrong wrong, she is taking the piss. People keep going on about rent but this isn't a rental situation, if there was a break up he would have no tenancy rights and would just be left with his bags on the door step with a moments notice. Either she wants a mortgage contribution and you have a proportionate share of the equity or she lets you live there for free and what's hers is hers. She can't expect both.

I'm on your side OP. She is treating you as though you were a lodger - in other words, as though there was a 'cost' to her of you being in the house for which she would like financial recompense. I have a lodger and he pays me money - it is not the same as having a partner live with me.

I too think you should reconsider the relationship.

This is about commitment. If you think a relationship will last until one of you dies, you should not have his and her money. But your partner is obviously more wary than that.

Personally I think if you are in a relationship for the long term, it always makes much more sense to buy a new place together. That way she can keep her capital, and you are both buying a house. I would not expect someone to change their will until it was clear that a relationship was going to last very long term.

If the OP were a tenant, he would have a proper tenancy agreement with rights under the law. He doesn't have that currently. In fact, he has no security and no rights at all.

If he did not live with his DP, he would have less disposable income but he would be buying his own place and building up equity in his own property, not throwing money away on rent.

If the OP did not live with his partner, she would still have to pay her mortgage and council tax etc. She is benefitting financially from their relationship without the inconvenience of having a lodger etc. The risk is all on his side.

I don't think the OP's DP is treating him like an equal partner in a loving relationship.

I think the OP should move out into his own place and then they can both reassess whether they want to remain in the relationship.

The mortgage if nearing its end is probably quite small and so half to stay in a lovely house is probably cheaper than renting.

Sorry 4 years but still. Time to strike out on your own, this looks like it's not going anywhere. You might have to struggle a bit but at least you'd be on the property ladder, not stood holding hers for her!

This is a long thread so it may have been asked and answered but... Do you have a tenancy agreement or similar?

It's all very well saying that you should look at it like rent but renters have rights and landlords have obligations to their tenants. If the shower breaks will she pay for it to be fixed or do you have to go halfsies? If you split will you potentially be left immediately homeless?

Simply put if she wants to see it as "renting" that is reasonable providing she offers you the same legal protection as other renters.

This is what happens with these halfway house relationships. It's very difficult. You either throw your lot in with someone, hold hands and leap and get married or you are a lodger. Anything in between can get very tricky legally as this thread perfectly demonstrates. See the cohabitee case in the news yesterday - lived together for 18 years, man dies, all to estranged wife. What a mess.

My heart sinks when I have unmarried couples in a marriage like set up.

I'm a big fan of shared finances and each having the same spending money in a committed relationship. I can also see that she and I would want to protect her house.

In this situation I would expect that he has no claim on the house whatsoever but I would be helping him to invest in another small property to rent out. Maybe by him not paying anything at all in rent for a while to save up a deposit, maybe even loaning him a deposit on the basis it only needs to be paid back in the event of a split

Then when this has all settled the aim would be for equal spending money for both of them taking into account all their expenses and different earnings.

So long term they both have a separate investment but their immediate lives are equal.

Of course given the fact that she even expects a bigger contribution to food when his kids stay for a couple of days, this is unlikely to happen. I would be unhappy in your shoes op. She doesn't sound very committed.

She sounds quite unkind, OP. This is not a partnership, this is a business arrangement. I am not surprised things are 'terminal' and, to be honest, it sounds like it's in your best interests.

"There is nothing to stop this chap if he wants skin in the game from buying a flat to let out"

He has enough money to pay a mortgage on his own property and rent to his partner. If his partner is definitely going to charge him rent, wouldn't he be better of living in his own place and only seeing her occasionally?

Golly, difficult situation. I can't help but feel that if you were clearly a lady living with a man who was demanding you pay half towards his mortgage, we would all be screaming at you to get your name in the deeds or get a legal tenancy agreement for protection. Sadly it seems that equality has not quite made it to this thread 😰

I assume the posters saying that if you contribute for five years you will have 'hardly paid anything' so should not expect a share, haven't considered that on an average 25 year mortgage, five years' payments @50% would amount to 10% of the mortgage - the payment level on a 25 year repayment mortgage doesn't decrease so the payment will be the same now as it was at the beginning; OP will not be paying less (obviously excluding interest rate changes if on variable).

If you have been together that long and she still has so little regard for you, then perhaps you should find yourself an equal partner and treat each other with the respect you both deserve.

I think that you should pay a contribution for staying in the house; but I don't think that it should necessarily be half the mortgage. I think you are in a very difficult situation, and agree that it would stick in my craw as well to be paying half a mortgage towards a house that I would have no equity in at the end of the day.

So I think you should pay her market rent. Yes, you're her partner, not her lodger - but she wants a non-reciprocal financial arrangement (you pay, you get board and lodging but nothing else) so pay the going market rent. Absolutely you should also contribute to bills.

Or, get married. That way you get the house when she dies (if she actually goes first!) but it may then go still to her sister and nephew on your own demise. Wills can be written that way, I believe.

Or give it up entirely and get your own place.

The thing is as well, she'll have had this house for 25years - you're paying her for 5 years tops? So you'd only be entitled to 10% of the property anyway on a proportional basis, which isn't much.

Sticky situation, don't envy you, wouldn't want to be in it myself.

It all sounds a bit horrid all round

In my opinion this has nothing to do with gender. If you don't want to pay towards living expenses (aka rent), move out and get your own mortgage.
I agree that things might look different when her mortgage is paid off, but for now you're paying for a roof over your head and I'd hazard a guess that it's a nicer roof than you'd afford otherwise. Why should she supplement your living expenses?

That said, I agree that the relationship doesn't sound like it's got far to go. You might be better off cutting your losses and starting again. You'd be no worse off than if you'd been renting these last 4 years. Which also applies to if anything happened to her and you were 'kicked out.'

I've not RTFT but would have thought that if you are living with someone as their partner you don't pay rent. Half the bills yes but not the mortgage.

When I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) I gave him £200 a month towards his mortgage but it was for a short period of time and I was saving rent and I was earning more than he was. However, we got married and the equity in his flat went into our joint house. It's completely different from this situation where she wants you to contribute to her relatives' inheritance in effect.

I should also say that was my contribution. I didn't pay towards the bills except food.

I am struggling to see the love in this from either of you.

I don't think if I was her that I would be charging you 'rent' as I would consider myself luck to be in the position she is in regarding nearly owning her on home outrigh and I would have some grace. As you pay 50/50 all bills with her then I would imagine she would be financially worse off if you left so I think her argument is a bit of a foolish one if it's pulling you both apart.

You both have valid arguments but you both need to show a little love and care for each other. You are both supposed to love each other. I think you need an honest conversation together and one that doesn't start off the back of an argument or after looking at the bank statements.

Hope you get it sorted OP. YANBU but it's not completely straightcut either.