Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how you dont give a f...?

44 replies

cjt110 · 16/02/2016 14:50

We have one son. He is 18m and my world. We only ever intend on having one child and as such he will always be our PFB.

I always find myself worrying about X, Y and Z - why does a child thats months younger than him speak more than he does, why doesnt he self feel all the time etc etc.

To feel competition from other parents.

To get mightily pissed about insignificant stuff at work which doesnt rally matter.

Just how do you not worry about the small shit thats insignificant and doesnt really matter?

OP posts:
PinotAndPlaydough · 16/02/2016 15:10

I used to be a bit like this I worried about everything with dd1 (to the point I made my own wet wipes and bum cleaning soloution Blush) the I had dd2 and just didn't have the time or energy to worry anymore.

With regards to worrying about other non children related things I've noticed that as I get older I just care less about things that aren't really important, I have started to realise that for the most part stress and worry are wasted emotions, it doesn't help, it doesn't solve the problem it just makes you feel like crap. Obviously I still worry about things (dd1s school place at the moment) but I make a conscious effort not to dwel on it and to accept that what will be will be and that there is only so much I can do.

Original poster
cjt110 · 16/02/2016 15:17

Pinot So, what do I do with just the 1 child? lol.

I just wish I had a switch that I could turn off!

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 16/02/2016 15:18

Accept what you can't change!!

I look at it like this - do you compare yourself to your friends? Do you wonder if they sat up before you? Were they walking before you? Could they wrote better at 5? Etc ..... Bet it's never crossed your mind!!

Owllady · 16/02/2016 15:25

Well for me it happened because my first child didn't develop normally, was diagnosed with a development delay and now has quite a complex disability. It puts everything into perspective! :) and the worst happened, all we feared, epilepsy, major surgery. All of it. We coped and we still adore her. Just like you'll love your son for who is, not for whether he mastered the shape sorter before Harry or because he's still wetting the bed at 8. You'll love him whatever happens

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/02/2016 15:25

With your child, the best advice I ever got was to cultivate a relentlessly positive story about them. You separate the child from the behaviours. Behaviours get dealt with but your child is perfect.

So, when DD is whining about something, the whining is the issue. But DD is still the kind, funny, cool kid she always was.

In your case DS is not self-feeding. But he is... insert awesome stuff about your child.

Work? I have no idea. I was up at 3am worrying!

Fourormore · 16/02/2016 15:27

I ask myself whether this little thing will matter this time next year. The answer is usually no.

Original poster
cjt110 · 16/02/2016 15:28

Good point Sally Although I do find myself thinking they have a better this or that than me.

Owllady Another good point. My mum went through a lot with me as a child, meningitis at 3 weeks old and diagnosed with a medical condition at 8 months which meant I had 15 brain ops and was in a coma twice. And she loves me for me.

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 16/02/2016 15:31

Realising that life is too short to spend time worrying about things you cannot change.

Stripeybeachhut · 16/02/2016 15:38

I have 2 DC 18 months apart. My older DS has always been streets ahead academically than my DD (who is more creative and social).

I don't compare them, but I am of course aware of their differences and interests and I really don't give a f@@k because they are really happy and totally balance each other out in that they have both learnt valuable skills from each other. DS helps DD with her maths homework and DD helps DS with his art homework.

DD is very independent and practical with pots of common sense whereas DS is in his bubble world of thoughts, ideas, books and minecraft. DD loves musical theatre and DS luckily is into Rugby so that get him out sport wise.

MoonDuke · 16/02/2016 15:40

Ooh I like the idea of will this matter this time next year (I also care too much about lots of things, usually work related).

My problem is that my current work stress still will matter next year, in the sense that I hate my current job and need to change but am having difficulty finding a new one...and if I stay in my current one until this summer I have to go through another round of evaluations which I just hate...

Argh I'm getting stressed out just thinking about it!

Stripeybeachhut · 16/02/2016 15:42

I don't make comparisons with other children because I'm too busy concentrating on what's right for them.

Original poster
cjt110 · 16/02/2016 15:48

But how do you do that Stripey? I was never this faffy and worrysome before DS

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 16/02/2016 15:51

Honestly, for me, "big" things in life are what stopped me sweating about the small stuff.

Things like both of my parents having cancer and dying. The aftermath of my mum's passing in relation to her estranged second "husband". As traumatic as the events were, they did wonders for getting a bit of perspective in life!

I absolutely wouldn't recommend huge levels of hurt & sadness though! There must be an easier way Smile.

Original poster
cjt110 · 16/02/2016 15:53

I am wholly grateful or what I have, and the little upset I have experienced but I always feel like there's something to think/worry about. I must be nuts Confused

OP posts:
timelytess · 16/02/2016 15:54

Mindfulness. That will help.

JolseBaby · 16/02/2016 16:00

I don't have DC, but my sister does (lots!). Funnily enough we were talking about this recently.

Her advice was:

PFB is obviously your PFB, so everything has to be new, perfect, organic, homemade etc. otherwise you feel like you are a Bad Mother. You tie yourself up in knots worrying about everything. Any mistake that you make, no matter how small, might have massive implications for their development and you are a Bad Mother for not avoiding them.

Second you're a bit more relaxed because you know the drill. You know you don't need everything brand new and you've kept some things from your PFB. Your PFB now seems huge in comparison to the baby.

Third you're far more relaxed, you feel like an old hand. It's tricky splitting yourself three ways though.

Four or more Baby basically gets a drawer in the bedroom to sleep in and a boob/bottle flung in its direction when needed.

Obviously a bit tongue in cheek but you get the gist! Try and ease up on yourself a bit Flowers

ghall54 · 16/02/2016 16:02

You need to separate the things that you can resolve or have an influence on to those you can't, and not give time to worrying about the latter. Eg. I can't stop my two getting ill, but I can look after them when they are. Also give some context, what's the worst that can happen in the situation you're worrying about - with DS I used to get really anxious when he coughed, but now I tell myself - yes he may cough and throw up, but it's just sick and I don't want him developing his own anxieties. Don't pass it on!

Original poster
cjt110 · 16/02/2016 16:04

Some really good suggestions here. Mindfulness - I like this concept and have previously done some reading about it but not sure how to practice it timelytess Do you have any suggestions?

OP posts:
ThursdayLastWeek · 16/02/2016 16:06

I think just asking yourself...

Does it matter? ...

helps.

And answering yourself honestly.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 16/02/2016 16:07

Me too Santa - not sure there is an easier way unfortunately ... unless possibly it's mindfulness Smile But even then I think few will really "get" mindfulness without some pain in life

ifcatscouldtalk · 16/02/2016 16:09

Tbh the only thing that got me over this was getting a little bit older and getting a few knocks in life then i just had a lightbulb moment and now i struggle to give a shit what others think of me. I still worry about work at times or if someone i care about is unwell but this is different to worrying about what
other people think of you.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 16/02/2016 16:10

Think about what you do have - some may look at your DS and wish they had his smile - his laugh - could do X or y -

There isn't a straight forward comparison -

My mom said "we can't all fly to the moon - the bins still need emptying - meaning what ever you end up doing - it's still useful!! And intimately that's what you want for your son - to find happiness and be a useful member of society

Original poster
cjt110 · 16/02/2016 16:13

Im just tired of worrying. Its exhausting.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 16/02/2016 16:15

Could you be depressed?

Overly worrying about things can be a symptom.

Original poster
cjt110 · 16/02/2016 16:17

I do suffer from anxiety and depression. I thought it was under control. I take medication, albeit a low dose.

OP posts: