to wonder how you dont give a f...?

[cjt110]

We have one son. He is 18m and my world. We only ever intend on having one child and as such he will always be our PFB.

I always find myself worrying about X, Y and Z - why does a child thats months younger than him speak more than he does, why doesnt he self feel all the time etc etc.

To feel competition from other parents.

To get mightily pissed about insignificant stuff at work which doesnt rally matter.

Just how do you not worry about the small shit thats insignificant and doesnt really matter?

it might be worth chatting to your GP about the dose, in case an increase would help

FWIW I think it's pretty normal to worry about milestones & compare your child with others

Just how do you not worry about the small shit that's insignificant and doesn't really matter?

Let's suppose for a second that you attended an NCT course and so most of your "mum friends" also have a PFB at present??

This is probably the worst point of competitive parenting I think. The children are all mostly walking, starting to mumble something vaguely recognising English [apart from NO - they all get that quickly in any language] and constantly changing. It might be that you only plan to have one child but as your peer group start to have a second, the atmosphere does lighten up a lot and people stop disappearing up their own backsides to the same degree.

Eventually they all start to feed themselves but not all of the time . Put a bowl of ice-cream in front of your 18 mo and see if he can feed himself. I can almost guarantee that he'll square it away. My almost 6 yr old still needs assistance cutting up meat sometimes. But if I queried it on MN, I'd probably be told by hundreds to leave her to it. Life's too short if you want to get anywhere on the same day. She'll get there eventually.

I had to feed two three year old's on Friday night [mine plus a playdate] - they got about half way through dinner and just gave up. When they had clear plates, I offered some pudding. Funnily enough, no-one needed a hand with that !

When you get to a point where you are anxious and stressed out about everything then I would look at how short my fuse was generally, the likely causes and what I can do about it:

Am I getting enough uninterrupted sleep
What personal habits make my life harder [eg: wanting to clean the bathroom daily]
Do I need to change job or aspects of it
Am I drinking too much/not eating well/never exercising
Is it just a difficult period in my life that I should recognise and cut myself some slack?

Worrying never changes anything, so either act on your worries or bin them.

I think today is hard. I am tired. Could easily fall asleep at my desk and I have 2 gym classes planned for tonight from 1830-815 which means I will also miss DS' bedtime - which is good as I get some "me" ime but also I feel bad as I've never not been there at bedtime really, bar sleepovers with my parents.

I have an only too. And I totally get what you are saying, i think in the early days I was competitive. I now say to myself over and over "she is her own person, she will learn things at her own pace"

I try now to look at her own achievements for their own merit. I'm so proud when she writes her letters, it doesn't matter if she didn't slower than x y or z in her class. There will be things she does before they do. There will be things she does better and things not so well. We all have our strengths, I now just appreciate her for who she is.

Ps .... I look this this saying to remind me that all our children are special

But you are looking after yourself physically which will also help your state of mind. All of which is to your DS's benefit ?

Unless of course you've left him to get himself home from the nursery and to sleep in the garden????

Enjoy the gym. Your DS will be having a perfectly lovely, if different bedtime and you will no doubt get cuddles later.

Decide what's important to you and what isn't. Then decide what you can fit into your capacity for caring.

Me:

My wife and son are important to me.
It's important to me that we have a home, ideally a nice home.
It's important that we can pay the bills, eat and have a good quality of life.
Because of that it's important that I and my wife have jobs, ideally good jobs.

This is what I have to maintain.

Nothing else really matters to me when push comes to shove, other than wanting a better world for everyone.

So if people cause me hassle or problems or unhappiness I cut them out. And I don't stress about small things at work which don't really matter.

I need to live and let live!

I agree worrying like this can be a symotom of anxiety or depression.. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to explore where it stems from? Might help xx

You do... And that's hard. Also try to remember most people tell you or show you what they want you to see. I have 1 or 2 really close friends who are completely honest warts and all about their children and their lives. Those people keep me grounded against all the images others portray. Locate those, use them as your sounding board

I really enjoyed watching carefully for all the different milestones with my PFB - but I used the month by month ones to look out for in "What to expect (the first year)" so I think that helped it be a more enjoyable and interesting thing rather than a competitive, worrying thing, comparing with friend's babies.
See if you can enjoy noticing and recording all your DS's milestones?
Having a baby and watching them grow is an amazing thing, nothing wrong with watching carefully as long as it adds to the experience?

Just remember when he is 25 nobody will care what age he talked at and as much as you think it won't all those tiny little details you think you will hold onto forever will be forgotten and real life takes over. My dd is nine I was a very pfb parent when she was born it fades. If it doesn't fade have a good friend willing to tell you

You have to parent for yourself and for your child, not for anyone else. Most of the parents I met when I just had DD, I've lost contact with now so what they thought of me and my child did not really matter ateotd.

I also think you have to think long and hard about who you're mixing with. Some parents and some groups are fiercely competitive and you would do well to identify that is what is happening and move on - i.e. it's not you, it's them. The environment you are in may not suit you and maybe contributing to your anxiety.

My DS pfb is 18 months old and yet to stand or walk unaided, if I spent my time worrying he wasn't hitting his milestones at the same time as other kids his age, I'd have a full head of grey hair from worry

TBH after the third or fourth child it becomes a lot easier. You just get on with it and everyone thinks you are a wonderful knowledgeable parent anyway on sheer grounds of having kept four alive for a certain period of time. You kind of have dominion. If no pelvic floor

They really do develop differently and not much you do will make a difference, frankly, as long as you don't beat or starve them.

This much I know.

Op, if it helps, my eldest had no interest at all in self feeding until nearly three. He's 5 now and will still try it on at times and try and get me to feed him. His problem? He's bone idle, nothing more. He was an early talker, an average age walker and has just had his school hearing check come back as a fail.
Am I worried?
Hell yes, it's perfectly normal to have concerns and worries. It's what you do with them that makes the difference. I'm going to take MrsTP's advice on the first page though. He's still the perfect little lad I loved right from day one and today might have been a bit difficult, but he's still the same brilliant little boy who runs up to his little brother when he cries and rubs him on the back to help him calm down.

I am a natural worrier.

What I find helps is thinking:

In 10 years will this matter? Realistically how often do you see NT children being spoon fed in restaurants?

Is there anything I can actively do? If yes then do it, if not then forget it. Forgetting it is an active thing though - count backwards / name capital cities etc whenever it pops into your head.

Life isn't about perfectionism or catastrophe. There's a happy medium where most of life exists. It sounds simple but this has taken me a long time to actually come to terms with!!!

Set aside a time to worry - maybe 20 minutes in the evening. Defer worries until then.

Have a notebook beside your bed so you can write down worries if you wake in the night but you can let them go knowing they won't be forgotten.

Also, my kids are healthy and happy but there have been blips along the road, especially with ds. I couldn't have foreseen them really but if I had then I would have cried and said I can't cope and panicked. As it happened I just dealt with it as horrible and scary as it was at the time.

It's ok to worry and it's normal and can actually be conducive to sorting out problems but you need to find ways of managing your worries that will work for you.

I dont know what happened when I gave birth to DC1, but I suddenly acquired the ability to smile, nod, and just let it all wash over me. Honestly, before that I would have been comparing, feeling hard done by, letting it affect my mood, feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what happened, only that I gave birth and stopped caring. I'm sorry that's not much help for you.

Thanks for all your kind advice. It makes a lot of sense