Mother-in-law keeps flaunting her wealth

[feellikeahugefailure]

Hello,

I'm in my late 30s, two children under 5 and generally things are good. However I haven't had a pay rise for 8 years and with surviving a round of redundancy pretty much every year. I know we are both lucky to have a job and live in one of the richest countries in the world and we never go hungry or cold. However I do feel like a bit of a failure as I've been trying for years to get on the housing ladder and every year it just gets harder and further away. Most things we have in the house are hand me downs and we haven't ever had an abroad holiday as a family and can't really afford a car. Every penny we have just about goes on keeping us above water with nothing left over in a good month. I still think we are doing ok. I know lots of people don't own their own home, although Germany its only 10% less and France is about the same as the UK but they have proper renters rights. Our current landlord has put the house up for sale so we will soon have the 3rd move in 5 years.

All of this is fine really. But my mother in law has a lifestyle very different to ours. She seems to come round and talk about her "problems" but never listen to ours and just switches off. Recent problems included that the high end microwave knobs aren't recess-able but the oven above does, so it doesn't match and that the builder put the isolating switches in the wrong place. Or she will go on about some fancy holiday she's had. I do think well done to her, but its getting very grating and sometimes it feels like she's rubbing it in our faces. I know for her world these are big issues, it feels very insensitive.

She bought a rug she didn't like so brought it round to us as she assumed we would want her rejects.

She bought a rug she didn't like so brought it round to us as she assumed we would want her rejects

My Mum was always bitter when my GP did this kind of thing to her - but it was more the icing on the cake of some very poor treatment of her, their DS who she'd married and us her children.

Change the subject - refuse to respond in the conversations go somewhere else in house and be busy.

I've had to work at the relationship with IL - they twice gifted us clapped out broken stuff to stop us getting a new cheap version of items we needed- both times it cost us money to get rid of the items. I refused to be grateful - I was polite but didn't sugar coat the cost to us of their actions.

Had similar with the DC and gifts - been some very inappropriate stuff over the years - when they were younger it disappear to charity shops or bin they stopped doing it now. They've also learnt to be respectful to me - I'm always polite but won't take put downs lying down as my Mum did.

Personally I'd like a rug - even cheap one coming my way - but if I didn't want it I'd pass it along to a charity shop and not worry or get upset by it and say it didn't suit and we passed it on.

Lots of boomer- bashing here.

Not all baby boomers are rolling in cash piles you know. And I don't agree they had more opportunities than us...

My parents are boomers and they had no chance to go to university despite being bright, because they were poor. They both grew up in houses with no heating or electricity.
They worked incredibly hard and have now retired with fair but modest pensions. They've not had the opportunity for further education until they were adults, not had the opportunity to travel and are not rolling in dough. Yes they own their house but as its in one of the most deprived towns in the north it's not worth loads.
I on the other hand have been able to go to university. I've been able to travel. I have the Internet- so much more is available to my generation. House prices are a bugger but I think some assume the boomers just got handed keys to mansions- my folks had no furniture at all when they moved in! They gradually picked up bits and mum sewed things like curtains when they could afford fabric.
I don't begrudge them a penny of what they have.

I think the state should pay for everyone's care in older age feel as we have contributed enough in taxes over the years , but I was actually joking .I did not mean to offend .In practice my pension,along with a widows pension from DH , would in fact pay most of any care home fees so I will not be a burden on society.

What's a non recessable knob?

llhj mils generally can be dull

What a stupid post.

I think a lot depends where you live expat I have (sadly)seen plenty of care homes in the last few years and I' would not put a dog' in the poshest/most expensive one I have visited .I was actually joking about the spend spend spend .See my last post .
But I was raised in a very poor (materially) family, really struggled when I bought my own house on a 98% mortgage at 18% interest rates and we 'survived'8 years of my being the sole/main breadwinner when my DH was made redundant. So I feel it is not unreasonable to enjoy what we have now.
We have passed on any inheritance :what we have left is what we have saved over years of being prudent.I do concede the generous pensions though .

See my later two posts ssd

I'm sympathetic op

It's hard to be resilient when life is hard & getting you down.

I get hurt when my in laws pull into the drive to show us their new car & then give me supermarket coupons.

I hope that I have more empathy. When the time comes.

Has anyone thought here that what ever money each of us has is due to something each one of us has done. Some will have earned good incomes, some will have inherited, some will have worked themselves into the ground doing many hours for basic pay. I would not want to judge anyone on their bank balance. It might be nice to help out the younger generation to get on the housing market or to buy big items like a new bathroom or kitchen or a car however, and that is a big HOWEVER having read some of the posts here and RL experiences I would not be rushing to hand over money or goods to the younger generation judging by some of the attitudes.

ComeonSummer1
Not as stupid as not knowing what a non recessable knob is. Surely that's bloody obvious from, you know, the actual name.

As for my comment, I did actually say we can all be dull but you strategically cut that out didn't you?

She sounds incredibly tactless and insensitive. How many times on here do people have a bit of a snark: "Stealth boast much?", " Are your diamond shoes a bit tight?" "

Thanks, thats exactly it! I can find this site very hypocritical at times.

I should of never mentioned the knob, its taken over the topic!

Has anyone thought here that what ever money each of us has is due to something each one of us has done

No. They were just lucky to be around at the right time, house bought for buttons, one job for life on 9 -5 hours (ending at 12 on fridays) and one income needed. The ladder has been pulled up on all of these.

A house bought with buttons eh?

OP what do you like about your MIL?

Op...I do find that those with very little in life to worry about (money, health etc) seem to obsess over the smallest, most inconsequential things.
They really do get quite worked up over their "knob" issue of whatever it is.
Madness to those of us with money worries, health issues and bereavements to cope with.
I think ignoring is your best way forward.

I was just reading a post talking about the book Call the Midwife and stating how horrified she was at the poverty and misery of life in the East end of London in the 1950s.
Presumably a fair few baby boomers were brought up there, life was not always that easy!

I think as you age your brain just doesn't cope as easily with the mass of info bombarding it AND it certainly doesn't retain it as well. I get stressed (slightly) at having to keep on top of things as my memory is poor (despite post-its, email reminders, stuff on phone). It's an age thing.

But I don't think I go on about stuff that is irrelevant to everyone else, except maybe a quick moan.

Badders is right - the faffing about fuck all is normal for healthy retired people. Just listen to my parents talk about how to get from my brother's house to mine (less than 5 minute walk from his house to the train station, get on train that goes direct to station near my house, I'll meet them or it's a 15-20 minute walk to mine) - you would think they were planning an attempt to climb Everest. (I do fear it'll come to us all)

Re buying the house for 'buttons' on one wage, you do need to think as well, while we might need two wages now, that's because woman have more options and aspirations. My MIL being that tiny bit older was expected to resign when she was 6 months pregnant and it was deemed "unsafe" to have a woman further along than that in an office job. She didn't get maternity leave, middle class woman were expected to stay at home, working was only for couples who were poor. When they had bought their house a year or so earlier, it was just on FIL's wage because her wage would not be considered (because of course she'll give up work when they start a family).

It's unfair to judge woman for not working in a previous generation when to do so would be going against the norm of their time, it's unfair to talk about houses being affordable on 1 wage when a woman's wage didn't count. (there was a little house price boom when they did start taking into consideration woman's wages too - which my slightly younger parents got hit by, although my mum got mat leave and wasn't made to resign when she had my brother in '76)

I think the aspirations of women and work etc is a red herring. Houses were affordable on one wage /salary because house prices were at a realistic level in relation to earnings; simple as that. How the hell would a family with one breadwinner - a teacher for example - buy a house in the SE now?

Anyway, OP if MIL starts again with her crap I think you should be honest and say you find this hard to listen to when you're worried sick about money and having to move again with all the costs associated with it. Speak your mind; you wouldn't be being offensive or rude.

There just seems such a lack of understanding on both sides IMHO.
Yes times were tough in the past but there were other perks...a decent NHS for example!
Now older people just can't seem to get their head around how much it costs to get on the property ladder, or child care costs (which they probably didn't have to think about)
Children need a basic PC and internet access to be able to access the school curriculum (don't get me started on this one!)
Times change.
What doesn't change is inter generational mistrust and dislike :(

WickedWax that was just plain bitchy.

a decent NHS for example

Hmmm, polio vaccination was only introduced in 1955.

And life expectancy was much lower - ave was 71 years in the UK in 1960 so no decades of frailty like now

And people didn't have cars so no quick way to get to the doc like now.

DH and I have given our DCs money towards house buying deposit, I would say most do if they can.

someone i know (not really a friend) gets upset at the work she's got to do on her £900,000 house which her bf has bought. i really have no sympathy at all and i totally see where you're coming from. she expects my empathy and some reassuring noises from me. bollocks to that says me.

I have tried to help others younger than me but every time anything is tried to give them a step up there is a great deal of moaning about all sorts of things. There is even some more vicious conduct. Therefore now I sit out of the way and watch while keeping the purse closed. It is not a nice feeling to think that money is the only redeeming feature. People want to be liked for themselves not £ signs.
It would indeed be great to have heaps of money and lots of good health and not to be devastatingly bereaved.
Any help at all should be politely received or declined and not the subject of shouting and verbal abuse or even snidey remarks on a webpage.

I rent and have taken out pay day loans.
A close friend works in the City and has recently done up her £1m plus house. I listen to her talking about probs with architects because she's my friend and I'm interested in her life.

But I choose to remain friends despite having to grit my teeth occasionally.

She's your mil, you just have to grit your teeth. People live differently, doesn't make them any happier necessarily.