Mother-in-law keeps flaunting her wealth

[feellikeahugefailure]

Hello,

I'm in my late 30s, two children under 5 and generally things are good. However I haven't had a pay rise for 8 years and with surviving a round of redundancy pretty much every year. I know we are both lucky to have a job and live in one of the richest countries in the world and we never go hungry or cold. However I do feel like a bit of a failure as I've been trying for years to get on the housing ladder and every year it just gets harder and further away. Most things we have in the house are hand me downs and we haven't ever had an abroad holiday as a family and can't really afford a car. Every penny we have just about goes on keeping us above water with nothing left over in a good month. I still think we are doing ok. I know lots of people don't own their own home, although Germany its only 10% less and France is about the same as the UK but they have proper renters rights. Our current landlord has put the house up for sale so we will soon have the 3rd move in 5 years.

All of this is fine really. But my mother in law has a lifestyle very different to ours. She seems to come round and talk about her "problems" but never listen to ours and just switches off. Recent problems included that the high end microwave knobs aren't recess-able but the oven above does, so it doesn't match and that the builder put the isolating switches in the wrong place. Or she will go on about some fancy holiday she's had. I do think well done to her, but its getting very grating and sometimes it feels like she's rubbing it in our faces. I know for her world these are big issues, it feels very insensitive.

She bought a rug she didn't like so brought it round to us as she assumed we would want her rejects.

At least you get a decent rug.

We got one with bleach stains on it, because, you know, we're desperate

Same as FIL bringing us crap gifts (two squashed tomatoes, don't ask) and then giving his rich, retired accountant BIL super good gifts ( massive cheese board).

Whycant, I suspect the OP just wants a hand out from MIL and doesn't want to work more etc.

There's nothing nice about the MIL in her posts at all, no mention of anything they do for her. It's just all about her money.

Why should she have to downsize, not change her house or never mention anything just because you chose different choices than her?

You could use the energy you have to moan about her not handing money out to work on a solution. You can improve your life, you are just choosing not too.

Autumn it's not making different choices is it. It's being lucky enough to be born at a time which has allowed the accrual of huge amounts of personal wealth. But baby boomers seem unable to accept that and instead think they've made good choices.

Ops Mil has never worked ffs

Op is entitled to a rant about her circumstances on mumsnet, and unkind comments she's had - I don't fancy being up for redundancy year after year, it'd get anyone down. I do agree that in the end we have to try and improve our own circumstances whatever they are, but it is galling to have someone tell you to get a second job when you're knackered etc and then make statements along the lines of this sort of thing being alright for the likes of those that can't afford to expect better. Nobody's fair all the time.

The MIL is living within her means, the OP has chosen to have two children despite having to resort to loans etc at points. There's a huge difference that has nothing to do with when you are born.

OP and her DH had numerous child free years to work silly hours if buying a house, car and fancy holidays meant so much to them but they didn't so it obviously wasn't that important.

I'm not a baby bloomer but am an adult and therefore knew our earnings could stretch to x, y and z. Therefore we don't live in an expensive area, don't have more children than we can afford and shop wisely. If we need more money to enable us to make a choice we want then we save, do overtime, move jobs etc rather than expect others to hand it to us.

My MIL has a lot more than us but virtue of her husband dying. I'm pretty sure she'd rather have her husband and DH his father than the extra income.

I think you're being a bit unfair. We have 2 young children, pretty much zero chance of buying a house due to extortionately high private rent, no holidays bleh bleh bleh. IL's live in Spain on a 6 figure pension in a mortgage free 8 bed villa. They're entitled to moan about their problems in the same way that we're allowed to moan about ours. However I do get the rage when they moan about being exhausted (entertaining and drinking fine wine is exhausting ) when I haven't had a full nights sleep in 2 1/2 years due to afore mentioned young children, which probably makes me just as bad

mumsnet is somewhat about offering support and being compassionate - telling someone they should've worked harder before they had small children puts you in the same category as the MIL telling them to get a second job. Most of us have made mistakes, for all we know Op did spend those years working as hard as she could and happens to do something that doesn't pay that well or that she can only get so far in.

Look, not every success is made purely on luck. A lot of forward planning and hard work goes A long way. After all it's not every in the baby boomer generation that owns their property is it? Is everyone from that generation rich? I believe no matter the opportunities presenting for each generation, it will always be the fore thinkers and planners that make the best of it. I'm not saying OP hasn't planned her life or circumstances, I know nothing about her. What we do know is she's been in the same job for 8 yrs with no pay rise, and constantly at risk of redundancy.

I would hope she would take the focus off mil and what she does or doesn't do with her money and focus on her Future more. This is what I would be doing and have done in the past when stuck in a rut. I may start a thread asking what I can do to improve this rather than whinging about mil who owes you nothing. Re training is always a good route to getting either a higher paid job or to change careers. Maybe the issue is cost of training? Ask for help about that. Maybe there is no traning available that's local enough or it doesnt fit in with the children, people will be helpful about giving advise in that respect.

There are jobs, just not enough people with the skills required for those roles, or mYbe the jobs aren't in your location, think about moving? Start a threD on the. Just stop wasting energy and head space on this mil matter that's not going to improve anything for you other than give you ulcer.

My response to the rug would have been "I can see why you don't like it."

Seriously, I think you need to nod and smile and treat her like a silly fool who doesn't know any better. It'll be easier than hoping she ever develops any sense of empathy.

"I saw a house that would be perfect for you, but no dining room, utility room or ensuite so its too small for me" so a house that is too small for just her is big enough for my family of 4?!

Don't you think that she means the house would be perfect for you in terms of you being able to afford it?

Presumably an ensuite would not be a priority for you but for her it is as she can afford it.

Re the rug. I don't get that it's showing off. I'm getting rd of something decent, I'll offer it round. Dniece has dd2's old curtains in her room. We moved house and they didn't fit our new house. Offered them to dsis who was happy to take them. Dsis is much better off than we are.

Don't you think that she means the house would be perfect for you in terms of you being able to afford it?

I agree. However if you dislike someone you can turn everything they say into something negative.

When the baby boomers generation were starting out, buying houses and having children they didn't have all the extras that we see as essential these days.

There was one family car, if at all. One family television. One family holiday camping in Cornwall. No-one had individual phones or any electronic gadgets. Most people had some kind of washing machine but many still used launderettes. They didn't eat out or have takeaways. The lived very frugally by today's standards.

Good post Fairenuff people forget that we also have many opportunities that our parents generation didn't have.

Postchildren

Your parents gave you money they could ill afford, you and your spouse have inherited significant sums and you have been able to help your DC (in short, you've been fortunate), but now you want to 'spend, spend, spend' so that the rest of us can pay the bill for your dotage?

I've misunderstood that, surely?

She lives within her means

Yes, it's incredibly hard for rich people to live within their means

Oh wait.....

I'm so sick of people going around spouting some version of 'money doesn't make you happy' because yes it does!

It's only when you get 75% above average wage that it doesn't make you happy according to that damn study.

Having food, water, heat and somewhere to fucking live makes most people happy.

"When the baby boomers generation were starting out, buying houses and having children they didn't have all the extras that we see as essential these days.

There was one family car, if at all. One family television. One family holiday camping in Cornwall. No-one had individual phones or any electronic gadgets. Most people had some kind of washing machine but many still used launderettes. They didn't eat out or have takeaways. The lived very frugally by today's standards."

None of that - car, phones, gadgets - matters if you have no hope of ever buying your own home. I'm sure may people today would forgo a second TV and make other sacrifices if it meant they'd have enough for a house deposit.

But it doesn't.

Having food, water, heat and somewhere to fucking live makes most people happy.

But that's what OP has and she isn't happy Laurie.

No she doesn't. She has no food, no money and no means of getting more.

Her life sounds utterly shit.

Not everyone buys multiple gadgets, cars and foreign travel, though faire. I don't know many people who view those things as 'essential'.

Fewer than half our friends even own cars and almost everyone we know (graduates in professional jobs) acquired serious oxfam and frugality habits while scrimping for a house deposit that they can't shake now that they're hitting their 40s.

I suspect that there is probably a big gulf between people who receive substantial financial help from family and those who don't.

Fairenuff - but there is abundant evidence that, in spite of not having such a high standard of living, they had an extremely high standard of opportunity. This was an age where a university graduate could buy a house extremely cheaply, and walk into a very well paid job (the kind of thing you'd have to wait 20 years for now) at 21. I have a friend who is quite a famous architect in his 70s and he tells me all the time about how amazing it was starting out in the 60s: in a profession where people now have to wait years and years to have autonomy, back then they were given huge responsibility from the get-go. And they could literally just afford to quit a job you didn't like and take up another one.

I think there's a huge difference between 'having a mobile phone and a TV' and 'having life chances'. And that difference isn't about individual choices about which we can moralise: it's about historical socio-economic conditions that are beyond any one person's control.

Here's the bit where I know I'm going to get flamed, but I'm going to state it anyway. All wealth, ultimately, comes from natural resources. Try running an economy without an ecosystem or without sunlight. Take away the blinkers of modern society, and you quickly see those resources belong to the common.

Who couldn't afford a £300 'gadget' instead of 10 times multiple to buy a flat - that you won't get a mortgage for obviously.

My first house in 1995 cost £32,000 - I earned £10,578 a year as an admin assistant - entry level job for people without degrees but had gcse's. That's 3 times my salary.

That same (tiny 2 up 2 down) house is £210,000 now( not in South-East) - so a head of a secondary school in same town could buy it at £65,000 salary now.

Look at that insane difference. Entry level job versus head of a secondary school ! Same house.

OP - the fussing about things that don't seem to matter -this is standard with people who are retired, and frankly, have the time and energy to focus on stuff that they wouldn't have given a second thought when they were younger with jobs and children to fill up their headspace. The angst my parents have had over shit that DOES NOT MATTER (PIL luckily have hobbies and charities they help with that fill up their time and energy, but again, have been known to fuss and flap over fuck all).

It's worth noting when your PIL were your age, its unlikely life was 'easy' then - high interest rates wiping out disposable income (in the 70s my parents mortgage was suddenly went from 1/3 of my dads teacher wage to nearly all of it, my mum didn't go back to work because she was a believer in woman working, but because it was her wage that paid for food and other bills, and we only had shoes/coats/other very expensive items because grandparents paid for them), clothes and food were relatively more expensive and less choice. White goods being relatively very expensive as well (and often rented because of this). They might have a rich lifestyle now, but rarely had a better lifestyle when our age, many feel they've finally 'earned' a good lifestyle, after struggling when young.

My MIL is the same- happily telling me that she's seen a £500k house that would be perfect for us with no acknowledgment that we can't afford £500k! "We bought bigger houses the children grew up" she says- great! They were all bought with a mortgage less than 3x your husbands annual salary yes? Any idea what that would buy you these days?!

My MIL hasn't worked since the early 70s but still quotes the "we've worked hard all our lives" line- no you haven't!! You did less than 5 years in a full time job in your whole life! And for what it's worth they've always had two cars, multiple family holidays every year etc etc so hardly living on the bread line.

We also get reminded regularly that well inherit it someday- except we won't because it'll all go on care home fees.

She has no food, no money and no means of getting more

Where does OP say that?

I read 'Most things we have in the house are hand me downs and we haven't ever had an abroad holiday as a family and can't really afford a car. Every penny we have just about goes on keeping us above water with nothing left over in a good month. I still think we are doing ok.'

I just think that it's easy to forget that the baby boomers had their trials too. Yes, things have turned out ok for many of them but at the time they took risks. Interest rates are tiny at the moment compared to the 15% they reached 20-30 years ago. People lost fortunes, jobs and homes.

Hindsight makes it look like everything came easy to them but in reality it was quite a slog for some just as is it now.