Mother-in-law keeps flaunting her wealth

[feellikeahugefailure]

Hello,

I'm in my late 30s, two children under 5 and generally things are good. However I haven't had a pay rise for 8 years and with surviving a round of redundancy pretty much every year. I know we are both lucky to have a job and live in one of the richest countries in the world and we never go hungry or cold. However I do feel like a bit of a failure as I've been trying for years to get on the housing ladder and every year it just gets harder and further away. Most things we have in the house are hand me downs and we haven't ever had an abroad holiday as a family and can't really afford a car. Every penny we have just about goes on keeping us above water with nothing left over in a good month. I still think we are doing ok. I know lots of people don't own their own home, although Germany its only 10% less and France is about the same as the UK but they have proper renters rights. Our current landlord has put the house up for sale so we will soon have the 3rd move in 5 years.

All of this is fine really. But my mother in law has a lifestyle very different to ours. She seems to come round and talk about her "problems" but never listen to ours and just switches off. Recent problems included that the high end microwave knobs aren't recess-able but the oven above does, so it doesn't match and that the builder put the isolating switches in the wrong place. Or she will go on about some fancy holiday she's had. I do think well done to her, but its getting very grating and sometimes it feels like she's rubbing it in our faces. I know for her world these are big issues, it feels very insensitive.

She bought a rug she didn't like so brought it round to us as she assumed we would want her rejects.

People just want a chance to join in with the slog fairenuff.

I know quite a lot of retired people who seem very happy to spend all of their money on holidays, cars, renovations etc, and say that it's up to their children to 'stand on their own feet'. Yet they are the ones who have final salary pensions, often sizeable inheritance from their own parents, bought a nice big house for not a lot 30 years ago etc etc.

Whilst they are of course within their 'rights' to spend it all on themselves, I do think it is pretty selfish, especially if they've benefited from inheritance and help from parents. My parents got help onto the housing ladder, they were bought a house! They were kind enough to help us significantly, but that was 'just' a deposit. Times change eh.

Final salary pensions
Decent NHS care
Free university education
Jobs for life

No one my age (43) will ever see this again. University education now costs tens of thousands of £. So...Unless your family is wealthy you start life heavily in debt. I am pretty sure that once this govt has its way we will pay for healthcare privately and that there will be another recession.
Interest rates have been 15% before. They will be again.

Hmmm now I've RTFT, she does sound pretty awful, and out of touch with your situation. Does DH not like to talk to her about finances? Sometimes my DP come out with things like 'you need a cleaner' and I have to point out we can't afford it because the mortgage is X and the childcare is Y.

I agree not all 'baby boomers' have had it made. My parents bought their first house when they were 30 and 35, after years of sharing and saving, and lost money on it when DF lost his job and had to sell up and move in the 1980s. They had reasonable jobs (nurse and local government). They certainly didn't have it particularly easier than I've had it. I got my house at 34, with DH, but we managed that with some help from them and DH had some deposit too as he'd older than me.

I think you just have to find some other topics to discuss, or zone out when she talks!

She can't help the life she has so why shouldn't she talk about it? Its part of her. Its not her fault you aren't happy with your lifestyle. Boring she may be but people often are. You can tell her she is, if you want. But it sounds easy enough to screen this out, unless you live with her day-to-day in your home I can't see why it bothers you so much. Maybe it can give you some determination to aim to sort out what you really want to happen in future, career-wise and with your finances. Its not set in stone that things won't get better for you, but focusing on what your MIL has won't help

I hear you OP
I used to have a friend like this
She was hugely unsympathetic when her sister was made redundant and still thought her cleaner recruitment crisis was more important

She'd often say "rich people have problems too". True, but endless hand wringing over trivia was part of why I ended the friendship

She also talked as if she knew everything about working when she worked for a total of one year of her life!

Rubbing it in your face would be constantly telling you that she is better than you. If she talked about her knob crisis and then added 'not that you would ever understand since you're poor' then that would be rubbing your face in it. But it sounds like she is just whittering on about random things, probably because she doesn't feel like she can have a serious conversation with you.

People like the OP who get huffy if you talk about something you have and they don't are tedious.

And for those who said about working harder pre children and future proofing their lives, I did that.

Husband walking out for ow coupled with redundancy totally screwed that one up.

OP I know what you are saying - I love my parents dearly, but could quote examples where I could cry, but what hacks me off is that at my age I should be able to start to look to kick back. Instead I'm working harder than ever and wonder if I'll ever have the chance to retire - which will have a knock on effect on the next generation

I'm very bored of both sets of our parents.
No matter how 'tough' things were for them at one stage, their lives have moved on positively and have always been better then the previous generation.

DH and I hit student loans, house price inflation, volunteering to show commitment to our underpaid sectors, short term contracts, pay freezes for 8 years but increased work load, etc but we tend not to mention this and stick to the weather, school stuff, forth coming zombie apocalypse.

We will never fly home early in business class from Dubai because we are constipated. (DFIL) The reason they can afford to do this is not because MIL shops in Lidl but has more to do with the jacked up final salary pension FIL got and the two mortgage free rental properties.

I am bored of being expected to congratulate MIL on her mean housekeeping and cheap wine. I cook you Roast lamb you give us Macro sausage casserole.

My parents are just as bad. Enjoy your ridiculously expensive cruises and new cars.

I see that I've got a complete get out clause from taking them to hospital appointments, old age care, etc. They have not helped at this stage with neither child care or cash but have bored on about the problems caused by overspending on house maintenance and holidays.

I think you know in yourself whether it's throughtlessness or malice.
FIL has a habit of doing this - they were renovating their retirement house at a time in our lives when DH and I were totally skint and overworked, and it was really demoralising to have to listen to, but he didn't mean any harm. (My mother OTOH is a nasty piece of work and would be doing it to get a reaction.)

I don't hold it against my FIL but I would be really annoyed with myself if, later in life I did the same to my own kids or anyone else for that matter. It's common courtesy to think about your audience and how your chat is going to go down with them.

Interesting answers here. I see lots of people feel this is a jealousy problem, which always seems to be thrown at people in these types of thread but it doesn't come across that way to me, it seems more like a moaning problem.

My parents and my parents-in-law were much better off than we were when the children were small, which happens often. I also used to get wound up by MIL morning about material things when she had so much more than us.

My parents were much more comfortable to be around because they recognised they were well off and almost never moaned about material things. MIL was forever moaning about her kitchen and about a much-better-off relation. She seemed unable to see how much she had because she was so hung up on what they had. I think I am like my parents and would rarely moan, even when things were a bit tight. MIL's attitude used to totally piss me off. Not because I was jealous (I wouldn't choose to be that miserable in a million years) but because she was so negative and tactless.

If it was simply a jealousy problem, I should have found my parents equally annoying.

The sentence that jumps out to me is how you would financially assist your own DC so to me this is the crux of the matter. Just because you would doesn't actually mean she has to.

You don't like her that's for sure and she may possibly not like you, who knows.

I think the fact she is your MIL is irrelevant (except that it makes it more difficult to avoid her). Anyone who lacks the emotional intelligence to realise that wittering on about piffling problems caused by a surfeit of cash (well the cash to avoid a new kitchen at any rate) to someone clearly having financial difficulties is being insensitive. It's like people with minor (and sometimes even imagined) ailments twittering on about themselves when you are trying to deal with a serious health problem. It's not about being jealous, it's about having bigger things to worry about and thinking that a true friend, who knows your circumstances (not a random stranger who might not realise their faux-pas) might be more sensitive.

Someone aged 43 would not have paid tuition fees if they had attended University straight from school as they were not introduced till 1998. I am these days a centrist but was there when new Labour was born and was enmeshed in the political world at the time. As much as I hated the Tories at the time I knew Blair was the very devil himself.

John Major commissioned a report by Lord Dearing in 1996 regarding funding in Higher ed. Blair won the election in 1997 and on the basis of the Dearing report included in his manifesto

'The costs of student maintenance should be repaid by graduates on an income-related basis, from the career success to which higher education has contributed. The current system is badly administered and payback periods are too short. We will provide efficient administration, with fairness ensured by longer payback periods where required.

Source www.politicsresources.net/area/uk/man/lab97.htm

I agree that wittering on about renovation problems with someone having very little spare cash is pretty insensitive, but it's possible that something has been lost in translation and OP's MIL really meant nothing by it.

My MIL is pretty clueless about money and has come out with some humdingers over the years. I just nod and smile - what else can you do?

Practically my entire home is made up from my parents' cast offs. They downsized from two homes to one and gave us loads of furniture and kitchen stuff. We were delighted, and are not particularly hard up ourselves (sorry if I've missed point of thread).

I'd have taken the rug and ebayed/gumtreed it if you didn't like it - I am a mercenary hound.

On the rug matter, I thought OP said the rug was 'new', mil just decided after buying it that she no longer wanted it. I do this all the time, with shoes, clothes whatever and just offer them to Dsis if she wants them. Why is this considered offensive have you never bought something got home and after a day or two and thought, ' it's not really what I wanted'?. Can't do right for wrong.

We are the opposite in that DH pays for his Father to have Sky and we loaned MIL a car and then paid for the costs for half of her new one, this was a loan.

Not all baby boomers are wealthy.

Sorry to hear so many others are having the same issues.

The work a second job / retrain is a shit idea as its nothing groundbreaking (esp from a woman that has never worked) but when your doing several hours unpaid a day and weekend work just to keep your current job its not something viable. The job market has changed alot, we are being worked far harder for far less imo. Its all very well to say "you shouldn't of had children" but these days all it takes is one setback and your screwed for a few decades.

It's not even about the money, its about lack of empathy. She has medical issues and has lost some hair and is carrying a few lbs - you wouldnt hear me moan to her about how long it takes to wash my long hair or how annoying the clothes on sale are always in large sizes as I'm not a dick.

You do sound jealous

There is nothing that people can talk about any more. You can't talk about holidays or what you bought because others have no money. You can't talk about your children because some people can't have kids. Where does it need?

Nothing wrong with passing the rug on either. I have passed on stuff regularly to a friend who earns six figures and she passes stuff on to me. No hidden agenda

I love hearing about how well my friend is doing and how she spends her money. She has a fabulous lifestyle and is very generous with charity work. I am genuinely happy for her

Rugs, knobs, etc.etc.I homed in on the fact of 3 forced house moves in 5yrs through private rentals. That's horrendous and expensive. OP, get yourselves registered with Housing Associations and get on their waiting lists, perhaps? Regulated rents, security of tenure, etc. It'd give you some security for starters once in, and the option to have a mutual exchange in time. Have a think about it. No comment about your mil's lack of tact

She has medical issues and has lost some hair and is carrying a few lbs - you wouldnt hear me moan to her about how long it takes to wash my long hair or how annoying the clothes on sale are always in large sizes as I'm not a dick.

Wow what a horrible comparison to make. You do sound bitter about your own life and jealous of hers.

She sounds incredibly tactless and insensitive. How many times on here do people have a bit of a snark: "Stealth boast much?", " Are your diamond shoes a bit tight?" " Just be grateful all you have to worry about are the knobs on your microwave when some people are having to go to food banks," yet the OP is just jealous? Balls. As I said, she's tactless and insensitive.