Mother-in-law keeps flaunting her wealth

[feellikeahugefailure]

Hello,

I'm in my late 30s, two children under 5 and generally things are good. However I haven't had a pay rise for 8 years and with surviving a round of redundancy pretty much every year. I know we are both lucky to have a job and live in one of the richest countries in the world and we never go hungry or cold. However I do feel like a bit of a failure as I've been trying for years to get on the housing ladder and every year it just gets harder and further away. Most things we have in the house are hand me downs and we haven't ever had an abroad holiday as a family and can't really afford a car. Every penny we have just about goes on keeping us above water with nothing left over in a good month. I still think we are doing ok. I know lots of people don't own their own home, although Germany its only 10% less and France is about the same as the UK but they have proper renters rights. Our current landlord has put the house up for sale so we will soon have the 3rd move in 5 years.

All of this is fine really. But my mother in law has a lifestyle very different to ours. She seems to come round and talk about her "problems" but never listen to ours and just switches off. Recent problems included that the high end microwave knobs aren't recess-able but the oven above does, so it doesn't match and that the builder put the isolating switches in the wrong place. Or she will go on about some fancy holiday she's had. I do think well done to her, but its getting very grating and sometimes it feels like she's rubbing it in our faces. I know for her world these are big issues, it feels very insensitive.

She bought a rug she didn't like so brought it round to us as she assumed we would want her rejects.

If she's anything like my mother the isolating switches will be a big thing. My mum bores for England over shit like this and I assume it's because she literally has nothing else going on in her life.

I'm a lot more sympathetic than most. Some people's airy, oh-so-casual chat is stealth point-scoring. She should have asked about the rug.

Yes, I think she should help you. Because the rug incident shows she knows you need it. And also shows she's made the choice not to help properly.

But I don't think you're going to see anything except the odd cast-off.

I don't think she should support you financially, she may need her wealth to pay for care and nursing home in her dotage and you will be glad at that point not to be paying that bill yourselves as good care is not cheap. You may inherit. It sounds like you don't have much in common so neither party listens to the other twittering on. As mils go she isn't sounding too bad to be honest.

Slightly bemused at the overtly sense of entitlement that mil should cough up and financially support OP and her family. OP why not look at a more long term plan of how you can get to where you want financially. Perhaps ask mil how she got to being so financially secure and see what you could pick from that. Nothing like having you own money.

If you haven't had a pay rise for 8 years and are at constant redundancy risk it's time to look for a new job to be honest

That generation do have it much easier than ours.

It is annoying when they won't acknowledge it.

Speaking from the POV of your MIL's generation (probably) I think we fall into two (or maybe three ) camps .
Those of us who are very comfortably off in retirement, thanks to being very provident, but also being the recipients of good final salary pensions, who hate to see our children struggling and are giving them what we can (quite a lot of inherited money in our case) to get on the housing ladder (me and DH). So the DCs are very pleased we are having a nice life in retirement. ! God forbid they should pay my care home fees-I intend to have as little capital left as possible before I am reduced to that state and 'the state' can pay . The very posh/expensive care homes I have visited lately appear to offer no better care IMO than other council run ones ...
Those of us, who despite the above, don't see why they should give the DCs money, whether for housing or anything else, sometimes because 'their parents never gave them a penny' (but, curiously, are happy for the DC's partner's parents to help out-I know two sets of people like this )They seem to think its 'good' for DCs to struggle .
Those who can't afford to but who would have given their DCs every last penny (my beloved DPs)
And I suppose there are the ones who haven't even thought about it

I think she's just doing what some mothers do: chatter about details of no interest to others.

My mother could easily witter on about knobs and switches, but it's just as likely to be a leaking shower tray, traffic conditions on the A3, the book she's reading etc...

Yes final salary pensions that are gold plated. Our generation won't have that. But that isn't mil fault

I hope you ebayed the rug?

my ex mil used to walk into my house whine about it being cold and go on to complain that her two cars campervan and moterbike were getting expensive so they bought two electric bikes which cost a fortune left them to rot then threw them down the tip then say put the heating on cant you afford it your on BENEFITS your so much better off than us we only have two jobs and dps pension we are so poor when suggested that they might want to get rid of one car as it was so expensive she was horrified but how will we get to work! (they worked at the same place mostly on the same shifts)

we used to pretend to be out it was the same story when working why cant you visit? we are at work! take a day off they cant stop you! (you can get fired for that) oh there is plenty of jobs out there just tell them to get lost and get a better job

I feel for you op, I know exactly what you mean. Its not that you grudge MIL anything, you just wish she would stop rubbing it in your face without any thought for how this would make you feel. My sister is a lot older than me and very similar to your MIL. She worked in finance, so a few years ago I asked her about advice re me starting a pension, I said, "can you give me any advice, I'm worried about the future as I have no pension and I dont know how to start one"...she said "If I need money in my old age I'll just sell one of my houses"...that was the end of the story.

Can you put a bit of distance between you and MIL? I realize this is hard if you live nearby or rely on her for childcare.

I'm not going to say if I think whether you are reasonable or not, because you're obviously feeling bothered by it.

However this:

She bought a rug she didn't like so brought it round to us as she assumed we would want her rejects

would piss me off and has done sometimes in the past. We used to get this a lot, until recently. It's as though people think you have no actual taste or aspiration because you are poorer than them, therefore would be grateful for any bone to chuck your way. And unless you've been in that position you won't know how irritating this can be. My PIL used to load their car with dilapidated crap they didn't want any more and assume we'd be delighted with it, even though we didn't want it and didn't have room for it, and didn't have use for it.

postchildrenpregranny, this part of your post explains exactly why the younger generation find it so hard to get anywhere, they are too busy paying for your care home whilst you sold your house and enjoyed the profits

"Those of us who are very comfortably off in retirement, thanks to being very provident, but also being the recipients of good final salary pensions, who hate to see our children struggling and are giving them what we can (quite a lot of inherited money in our case) to get on the housing ladder (me and DH). So the DCs are very pleased we are having a nice life in retirement. ! God forbid they should pay my care home fees-I intend to have as little capital left as possible before I am reduced to that state and 'the state' can pay . The very posh/expensive care homes I have visited lately appear to offer no better care IMO than other council run ones ..."

thats a shameful point of view, let the younger generation pay for my old age whilst we had all the advantages they can only dream of....

i can sympathise, but as with everything you need to think about how you can make your situation better (looking for a new job?) rather than focusing on your unhelpful and insensitive MIL. Make a joke of it with your DH - my mum's always moaning about the inconvenience of having work done on her house, or how the builders have made some mess or another - it's because it's all she has to talk about and she's had hard times in her life. We roll our eyes and say we hope we're not that insensitive when we're old and bored.

The knobs do look exactly the same, its just one set can be pushed in to be flush. It's so dull I know but she was acting as if it her new kitchen was ruined. She once commented that I shouldn't use vanilla essence and get beans instead.

I used to just think she's very self obsessed and has little empathy, now I think she does it out of malice. She was talking about down sizing for a while, she would say things like "I saw a house that would be perfect for you, but no dining room, utility room or ensuite so its too small for me" so a house that is too small for just her is big enough for my family of 4?!

The rug wasn't a nice rug, it was more or less like we are poor so should just be happy for anything as another poster said. Its more like "I was going to bin this, but thought I'd give it to you instead" its never anything nice or thoughtful, she once gave a ceramic elephant plant pot holder. She knows we have had to resort to last minute emergency loans and while I don't expect her to help us, I would if it was my own children and we would of still paid her interest.

She's totally clueless about the job market and and houses these days. Has spouted off the re-training, getting a second job and all that shit that a poster here said, when it's really not that easy. Shes in no position to give advice as she has never worked and bought her house many decades ago.

intend to have as little capital left as possible before I am reduced to that state and 'the state' can pay

You're very well off with gold plated pensions and yet still you want to spend all your money so others can pickup the tab? That's beyond selfish imo, if everyone did that the system would collapse.

She does sound pretty odious. Do the children enjoy having her around? I'd try and limit the contact a bit to talking about/helping with the dc - harder said than done I know. You should pull her up when she does segue into unasked for advice by asking her if she's ever had a second job or just straight out telling her that you don't need advice about working harder.

How would it go down if you made less small talk with your MIL and shared more of your real life concerns? For instance, next time she offers you an item of furniture, for example, tell her that you would love to start collecting pieces that you really love in a forever and owned home, but don't know how to get there from where you are and are finding it frustrating. How do you think she would respond?

I need a rug if you don't want it.

Why are you in competition with your mil? What does your situation have to do with her? Should she downscale just to please you

intend to have as little capital left as possible before I am reduced to that state and 'the state' can pay

Are you in for a nasty shock! They pay alright, for places you wouldn't want to send a dog. But hey, you got to squander money.

Why is advising re-training, getting a second job and all, shit?

At least she doesn't complain you don't take her out to eat in fancy restaurants etc. My mil keeps having breakdowns about dh not spending any money on her or treating her (on days that aren't her birthday, xmad and Mother's Day) and she's bloody rolling in it whilst we are mortgaged up to our eyeballs.
She's probably just obvious op, switch off to her. All our own personal problems are 3rd world issues in our own minds.

I get it Op. I think it's bit wierd to be rolling in cash and not help my dc out a bit tbh. Is that what youre fed up with?