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Original poster

Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

385 replies

deerman · 15/02/2016 20:50

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

OP posts:
TwatMagnet · 15/02/2016 22:09

I just think that if I were to take a short notice long haul flight I'd want to be absolutely sure that the people I was visiting would definitely be home. It costs a huge amount of money to take a flight like that when you haven't booked well in advance. What if they doctors hadn't let her out today?

DramaQueen38 · 15/02/2016 22:11

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slebmum1 · 15/02/2016 22:11

Your mum sounds somewhat unhinged.

gooseberryroolz · 15/02/2016 22:12

I understand what your saying I should cut contact with my mum but that also means no contact with my dad.

I think you need to tell him that he is welcome to visit alone. The small mercy (!) is that everyone involved is perfectly aware what your DM has done. If she were sneakier (cleverer?), it would be more complicated.

ToffeeForEveryone · 15/02/2016 22:13

But what do I do if they turn up outside our house again wanting to see DD.

You don't let them in. Your responsibility is to your DW and DD and that trumps everything else.

Even before your DM's vile parting comment, her behaviour was so awful your DW would be justified in not letting her near your DD for a long, long time. What she said about your DW's family, on the day she got home from hospital after a traumatic birth, is unforgivable.

If your DF will side with your DM, that is his choice. But in no uncertain terms, if you don't support your DW now it could easily be the end of your marriage. Your DW is right, you should have been stronger with your parents on the phone.

EweAreHere · 15/02/2016 22:13

To put it bluntly - you are going to lose two family members this week - up to you whether those two people are your mum and dad or your wife and daughter.

This.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 15/02/2016 22:13

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cosmicglittergirl · 15/02/2016 22:13

Gosh. This sounds like a combination of all the very worst MIL threads on MN

^^This.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/02/2016 22:13

Go No Contact with them both, there will be the usual Fear, Obligation and Guilt, that those on here won't be bothered about and it will hit you hard but its for your wife and DD.

LemonRedwood · 15/02/2016 22:14

Which country op? Not particularly relevant but my best friend's dh has a mother who behaves in batshit ways that are similar but not quite as awful. Wondering if there is a cultural connection.

Puppymouse · 15/02/2016 22:16

If you were my DH I would have told you your parents weren't welcome anywhere near me, DD or our house again. If true this is despicable.

WonderingAspie · 15/02/2016 22:17

The thing is with the timeline, they might have booked these flights before and it happened to be the day OPs wife was allowed home? OP said it was a couple of weeks ago that his DD was born and he told his parents he wanted a few weeks before they came. They might have thought that was the few eeks and just booked it when the baby was born. Or we don't know what day the OP texted to say they may be allowed home Monday, it could have been Wednesday or something. DH had to go on a long haul flight on Mknday for work, he hasn't even booked his flight yet. He is doing it tomorrow, 6 days before so it's not entirely unfeasible. OPs parents may have set the money aside knowing they would come over when they found out their DGC was due.

It would be nice for the OP to clarify though as it does come across as not quite right.

gleekster · 15/02/2016 22:17

Given what your mother said to your wife, I would not allow her anywhere near your home or your child ever again. It is totally unforgiveable.

Arfarfanarf · 15/02/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WonderingAspie · 15/02/2016 22:19

Why the short responses without actually answering posters questions OP? It is starting to sound fishy.

Hellochicken · 15/02/2016 22:20

I'm sorry you have to deal with your mother at a special time like this. Congratulations on the birth of your DD.

Your parents are both unreasonable. There is no apology big enough to allow your mother to visit again on this trip. Too much was said and your wife is too vulnerable. I am glad you stood up for her but you need to keep your mum away.

I think it would be reasonable for your dad to visit once before he left. You can send him pictures, I bet you'll take hundreds!

whitehandledkitchenknife · 15/02/2016 22:21

OP - you are on the brink of an abyss. Your appalling example of a mother has just performed the most evil act possible.
If you wish to have any semblance of a relationship with your wife and new born - you are going to have to ditch the bitch.

Just who the fuck does she think she is?
Your poor, poor wife.
Don't you dare bottle it and cave into her or her enabling husband.

I'm absolutely furious on your wife's behalf.

liquidrevolution · 15/02/2016 22:21

My delightful MIL accused me, amongst other things, of poisoning my DD when she was 10 days old. 18 months on and my relationship with DH has still not fully recovered and I limit the amount of contact they have with her.

Your DD and DW are your priority now. If you do not stick up for your DW now then I feel this could mean the end of your happy little family.

Think about it.

LagunaBubbles · 15/02/2016 22:23

Then I suspect twatmagnet they would have been staying in the house waiting.

TheBouquets · 15/02/2016 22:25

I can believe that such conduct really can happen. I had a traumatic birth. The ILs came to the hospital the next day. FIL said to my DC1 who was from a previous relationship that they were stupid. My DF was there and made a right sharp comment straight at FIL. I was phoned daily for updates and warnings of all sorts of baby related dangers/problems and given instructions on how to care for a baby. I told the now ExH tell your parents to shut up or I will. He would not. On a visit to PIL house, FIL took exception to something I said, which could not have been all that bad as both DCs were present, and FIL said to now ExH to "control your wife"! Still ExH said nothing so I did and refused to see the ILs again. Then I found that suddenly ExH wanted to take the DCs out by himself which was not done before. I saw through that and decided ExH was out the door on the spot in what he stood up in.
Honestly OP you are in a difficult position but if you don't support DW and DC and read your parents the riots you too could be out the door. Think carefully.

Good Luck and Good thinking please.

girlinacoma · 15/02/2016 22:27

OP - your mother is completely unhinged. She is a vile, manipulative and horrid woman.

How could you even ask the question as to whether she is being unreasonable or not?

If I was your wife and I sensed even the slightest bit of doubt in your mind as to what needed to happen next, then I would be taking my daughter and leaving you.

She is your WIFE. You have a family now and you put them first before anyone else.

I have two sons of my own and would never dream of behaving the way that your mother has.

Clobbered · 15/02/2016 22:29

I'd go to their hotel first thing tomorrow morning and speak to them there. Send them a photo by email later if you feel so inclined, but no further contact with DW or DD on this visit as a minimum. Ridiculous behaviour from your 'D'M and your DF is tainted by association. I suggest you remind your parents that your brother is no-contact with them and why, and say that unless your wife has an unreserved apology from DM and never ever does anything like that again, you will be following his lead.

Aworldofmyown · 15/02/2016 22:32

If they turn up - close the door in their faces.

As for not seeing your Dad - he makes his decision by siding with you mum. The end.

What a cruel bitch.

Original poster
deerman · 15/02/2016 22:33

I have been talking to my wife about it. My wife doesn't want to see either of my parents again. She told me that I needed to choose between her and my mum. I have said I support her and I will.
I have texted my dad and told him what my mum said to my DW and that neither of them are welcome here. I think they will probably turn up anyway but I have promised my wife I won't let them in.

OP posts:
shutupandshop · 15/02/2016 22:34

Your mums a bitch and you know it. Your dw wont firgive you if you dont protect her at this special time when she vunetable.

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