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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want my 5yo DD to be too "sophisticated"?

32 replies

BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 13:53

Recently went to Parent's Eve at DD's school. She is doing ok academically - good reading; ok maths; appalling handwriting, but will if she has to.
Then we moved onto her social skills. Apparently she is "immature" - won't sit in a corner quietly colouring like most of the other girls; can't sit still for long periods; expects other children to want to do the same as her, or she thinks they don't like her ... but she is very kind and shares and takes turns etc. So bit mixed messages IMHO. The other girls are quite sophisticated - we went to the cinema with one recently to see a funny film and DD laughed out loud for all the jokes, whereas friend quietly grinned. Afterwards, friend's mum said to me, "Oh yes, Honeybun used to laugh like that but she's grown out of it now. It's so sweet your DD still does it." Wasn't sure what to make of it all. I don't want her growing up too fast, but I do want her to have friends and not be left behind ...Any advice/views?

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 15/02/2016 13:55

She's 5 for God sakes, you're absolutely right, she's fine!

I laugh out loud at funny films and I'm 38 Grin

Riderontheswarm · 15/02/2016 13:56

Ha! I hope never to grow out of laughing. What a ridiculous thing to say.

RudeElf · 15/02/2016 13:59

Christ how depressing that any 5 year old is expected to be sophisticated!

Original poster
BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 14:21

Thanks all. Glad it's not just me! DD is a sweet, sociable child but very openly emotional (in a good way) - which is perhaps in contrast to some of her peers (who seem to have older siblings, so I wonder if that is why?)

OP posts:
AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 15/02/2016 14:24

"Oh yes, Honeybun used to laugh like that but she's grown out of it now. It's so sweet your DD still does it.

Confused this is one womans interpretation of laughing loudly.

I laugh out loud, I love it, I love it when dd does!

at panto her laugh is ringing out above all others...and making them laugh.

for goodness sake...let them laugh Grin

it has nothing to do with being mature or not. she sounds like a normal 5 year old to me. absoltuy fine all round.

PaddingtonFromPeru · 15/02/2016 15:11

She sounds lovely. My DS was like this and is now 15 with lots of friends, plays rugby etc. Don't worry.

Original poster
BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 15:13

Thanks Paddington. That's reassuring!

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 15/02/2016 15:23

But who used the word sophisticated? Seems a funny word for a teacher to use about five year olds. I've worked in schools for 16 years and never hear a five year old described like that.

Was it the other mum? In which case its a silly word to use so I should forget about it..

Was is more interesting is what the teacher was trying to tell you. Sounds like she is a lovely kindhearted girl but hasn't yet learnt to do what she is told. This may be because she is very young for her age, or sometimes because parents think it is 'cute' when children give them a winning smile and then ignore what they say.

Lightbulbon · 15/02/2016 15:26

Ime the dcs with older siblings are older than their years compared to others.

CottonFrock · 15/02/2016 15:26

I think that's one the grimmest things I've read lately - all that sitting quietly, colouring and smiling quietly rather than laughing sounds so gendered. Would a teacher be saying the same if a five year old boy didn't want to sit still for long periods and laughed aloud at something funny? Isn't your daughter allowed to want to run around rather than 'sit in a corner quietly colouring like most of the other girls'? I'm 43 and I know which one I'd rather be doing.

If learning how to sit down and be quiet constitutes 'maturity' and sophistication in a five year old, that's pretty depressing, no?

ForwardAll · 15/02/2016 15:26

I missed the memo about not laughing out loud.
Is it just at the cinema, or in life in general?

I'm 38 and I feel terribly unsophisticated now.

Floggingmolly · 15/02/2016 15:27

Poor Honeybun sounds like she's had the fun beaten out of her to enhance her sophisticated worldliness.

Original poster
BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 15:29

It was another (totally different) mum Fairyliz, who has a DD like mine - I thought it summed it up quite well.
DD does do what she is told - we are very firm about that and so is the teacher. She does become more easily distracted than others, so will start by doing what she's told until something more interesting comes along ... I have thought of ADHD in the past, but it is so hard to know at 5 and the teacher hasn't suggested it.

OP posts:
ShutUpLegs · 15/02/2016 15:33

THe age gap in the year and sibling relationships play a huge part here.

DD1 (Yr 5) is an August baby so is (and always has been) socially much less "sophisticated" compared to some of her peers. Last WBD, for example, she went as Laura Ingalls whilst her mate arrived as Katniss from the Hunger Games. We also had a recent issue over a birthday party where the group wanted to watch a 12 film that would have freaked my DD out.

DD2 (Yr 2) is an October baby AND has an older sister. SHe is so much more adept at social situations than some of her peers -especially those who are oldest in their families. I can sense the parents of those kids looking at DD2 with some nervousness just as I Do to DD1's peers.

It evens out over time. I try to help scaffold a bit DD1 where appropriate so that she stays in touch with her peers - gentle introduction to music, clothes that her peers like - but am broadly happy for her to mature in her own sweet time. SHe still likes to watch Cbeebies with her younger sibs. She'll grow up when she's good and ready.

Original poster
BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 15:33

I agree Cottonfrock. DD loves running, dancing, acting, singing and I encourage her in these. I also find the "sitting quietly colouring" thing odd - I think the teacher was trying to explain about the difference between DD and quite a few others in the class (although I did get the impression DD was not the only one - just in a minority).

OP posts:
Original poster
BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 15:35

Thanks ShutUpLegs - that's what I'm hoping. DD is a June b'day, so one of the youngest and the other child like her is August. The "sophisticated" ones all have b'days Sept-Dec.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 15:39

Oh, and "honeybun" is a December b'day and has an older sibling. This is a child who was taken for a mini spa for their 5th b'day treat!!

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 15/02/2016 16:06

So another mum who you agree with used the word "sophisticated" about classmates of your daughter? No-one called your dd unsophisticated - tbh Honeybuns mum sounds a pain in the arse but just ignore her, you get them everywhere. You do sound a little sniffy about some of the other kids though - my 5 year old would spend all day having someone else brush her hair, she'd probably implode with excitement if you told her what a spa was, she'd also guffaw the whole way through Alvin and the Shitemunks at the cinema. You seem to have drawn very definite lines between 5 year olds and their behaviour.

thegiddylimit · 15/02/2016 16:21

Last WBD, for example, she went as Laura Ingalls whilst her mate arrived as Katniss from the Hunger Games. We also had a recent issue over a birthday party where the group wanted to watch a 12 film that would have freaked my DD out.

I know which of those I think is more appropriate behaviour for a year 5 and it's not Hunger Games and watching 12 films Hmm.

I screamed with fright in the cinema at a Disney cartoon when I was in my 30s. I'm really sophisticated me Grin

specialsubject · 15/02/2016 16:59

teacher's opinion didn't say anything about 'sophistication'. OP's child is good at some things, less so at others, and will no doubt learn.

some kids don't laugh out loud - a 5 year old of my acquaintance doesn't unless tickled, but smiles a lot at funny things. It is just how people are.

Honeybun has a loony mum but otherwise all seems normal and I wouldn't worry.

Sirzy · 15/02/2016 17:06

A teacher commenting that a child struggles to sit and engage in an activity is hardly suprising really. It's a run of the mill parents evening comment.

Other than that it's just one mum making a bizarre comment

LittleLionMansMummy · 15/02/2016 17:12

She has a zest for life is all, sounds like my ds who is the same age. I'm not a fan of precocious children, but love those with a bit of spirit (not naughtiness). I honestly don't know many 5 year olds who colour quietly in a corner for ages either. Is she quite confident and sociable?

Original poster
BrockleyBird · 15/02/2016 17:17

Very confident LittleLion - if anything a bit too much?! This is partly seen in embracing any new activity e.g. climbing; ice skating, which is great. But partly, she sometimes thinks she's done a great piece of work (like colouring a picture!), but in comparison with the Sept-Dec b'day children, it looks very amateurish. Obviously I encourage her anyway - and know some of them would lack the confidence to try new things, so I'm not worried.
She also adores other children - if anything too enthusiastically - she has got some boundary issues e.g. kisses friends at the end of playdates. But I think this is partly DH and I influencing her too much in that way, as we both come from very emotionally stunted families and have possible overcompensated Grin

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 15/02/2016 17:19

I'd rather spend the day with your DD than Honeybun! I laugh out loud at the cinema too. My yr6 DS spends his life rolling his eyes every time I laugh or pass any comment which he considers uncool, enjoy the laughing while you can . Grin

mommy2ash · 15/02/2016 17:37

I don't think your dd should be sophisticated at 5. I equally dislike some of the comparisons and comments toward the other 5 year olds in her class and for that I think you are just as unreasonable as the mum who made the comment.

Children should be allowed to be whatever they like. My dd has a friend that rarely laughs out loud bit when you know her you can tell when she is cracking up inside. My dd would have sat quietly colouring at 5 and would have loved a spa day. She would also have other attributes your dd has. They are all individual please don't make it something it isn't

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