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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to pay for DC secondary school even though he has a grammar school place?

30 replies

lilybetsy · 15/02/2016 09:56

DC4 is academically bright and has a place at the grammar school where DC1 went. DC2 & 3 did not pass 11+. I think he would do much better at a fee paying school becuase of all the extra's they provide. I also think DC1 was a 'self starter' , but DC4 is less so, and will need additional 'pushing' to achieve his potential

We can afford it, just ....DH thinks I am mad ...

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 15/02/2016 10:15

You only get one chance. Go for it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/02/2016 10:18

What about DC2&3 - how are you ensuring they reach their potential? Are you going to spend a similar amount on them?

I think what you are suggesting is problematic. You have 2 children who haven't had the option of a selective education and you don't mention how much you have spent supporting them. How will they feel if they see you spending money you don't need to on DC4 i.e. paying fees instead of the grammar place.

If you can only just afford it, what sacrifices will you be making especially as fees go up year on year? Will the other DC see things like days out or holidays cut back to fund DC4's education and will that cause resentment?

In my view there is a real risk that your other DC will feel this is not fair, particularly if the cost of the fees has wider impact on the family.

Cressandra · 15/02/2016 10:22

Did you send DC2 and DC3 to comp or private school?

SquidgeyMidgey · 15/02/2016 10:28

It's your dc and your money so do what you want! My only thought is that if the rest of the family have to go without things because of the fees it might cause resentment. And at what they might see as preferential treatment.

AnUtterIdiot · 15/02/2016 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VocationalGoat · 15/02/2016 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witsender · 15/02/2016 10:37

What extras are unavailable elsewhere?

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 15/02/2016 10:45

Are you absolutely sure he has a place at the grammar school? Offers day isn't until next month.

Stratter5 · 15/02/2016 10:52

Don't do it.

You don't single out one child for special treatment. If he's going to do well, he will do so at a grammar school. Either you pay for them all, or not at all.

boredofusername · 15/02/2016 11:14

It's a waste of money. Spend it on things like language courses, music lessons, going to sports and other events etc.

Kitsandkids · 15/02/2016 11:15

I'm reading it as, Dc1 got into grammar school so went there, 2 and 3 didn't so you paid for private school. 4 has got in but you think it might be better to pay for him too. Is that right?

Panicmode1 · 15/02/2016 11:20

At my son's grammar school they are pushed very hard but within a fantastic pastoral care setting. He is doing a plethora of clubs (drama, art, music, stem, climbing etc) and is probably doing as much if not more extra curricular things than I did at my private boarding school. If you don't HAVE to pay for it then I wouldn't - especially if it will cause resentment among the other siblings. (We have four, so far two have taken and passed the 11+, the other two, who knows, but we will try the state system first because I don't think it would be fair to give one something we haven't given the others - in fact we turned down a scholarship to an amazing prep for DS1).

LaurieLemons · 15/02/2016 11:22

What extras will you be getting? As pps have said you can pay for tutoring/clubs if you need them. I think you're mad too.

Fourarmsv2 · 15/02/2016 11:35

If DC 2 & 3 went to private school I'd say maybe offer DC4 the option?

What if DC1 wants to go private for A-Levels?

Grammars can be great if you're top to middle. I wouldn't want my child to be at the bottom of a class in one.

Myredcardigan · 15/02/2016 11:41

Matilda, I know a few kids who know they have a place. I'm not sure about your authority but the children I know already have their test scores and have scored very very highly and are in catchment so they are virtually guaranteed a place at chosen grammar.

redexpat · 15/02/2016 12:41

If your child is bright enough to get into a grammar school then really, I dont see any advantage in sending them private.

What kind of extras do your DC2&3 get in their school?

GoblinLittleOwl · 15/02/2016 12:53

I think you would be mad to sacrifice a place at a Grammar school (academic excellence a focus) in return for all the 'extras.'

Save your money to help your less academically able children, who could well sink in the local comprehensive.

YaySirNaySir · 15/02/2016 13:24

I agree with your DH.

Mainly because of these statements:

DC4 is academically bright and has a place at the grammar school

We can afford it, just

Pericombobulations · 15/02/2016 13:31

We ended up with DS at a private and let go of his grammar school place. Are we mad? probably. Do we regret our decision? nope.

The clincher was when we heard DS helping a child with their maths homework who was in the year above him at that grammar school. DS's comment was that their homework was "easy". Whilst we understand that child could be in a low set, not so low that the maths DS was helping them with, they covered in Year 4.

View both schools, and make your choice based on that.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 15/02/2016 13:40

It depends on the grammar school, my local one is excellent and parents fall back on the nearest independent school if they don't get in the grammar. Op only you can judge if your local grammar is better or worse than the private school you would use.

Matilda our grammar does the entrance exam and gets them marked prior to putting in your application so under certain circumstance ie they attend certain feeder primaries then they are guaranteed a place even if it means adding an extra class in and that has happened in the past.

MrsFrisbyMouse · 15/02/2016 13:40

Grammar. And use the money you would have spent on child 4 education to enrich the education of your other children.

Brightnorthernlights · 15/02/2016 14:56

It depends if you offered DC2 & 3 the same. Where do they go to school? Would DC4 be joining them at their private school?

GruntledOne · 15/02/2016 15:03

It depends. Was the grammar school OK for DC1? Did 2 and 3 go to private school, and if so, was it OK? What are the private school's results like?

Lizzylou · 15/02/2016 15:05

Matildas, our local Grammar tells you a month after the exam, so late October.
I would stick with the Grammar op.

Hoppinggreen · 15/02/2016 15:08

This is exactly what we have done, prompting some unpleasant people to suggest we are lying about the Grammar place.
The Grammar was a back up for us as financially we were making some changes and at the time we entered DD for it we weren't sure how it would work out. By the time the exam was due we thought we would probably go Private but as she had put the work in we felt ( so did DD) that she should take the exam.
The Grammar is a 30 minute bus ride away while the Private school is 5 walk which has also been a deciding factor and she has got a scholarship too.
We have the option to move DS to the prep school too which woukd keep them both at the same school, making things much easier.
If it's right for you as a family do it

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