AIBU to think a present bought on the day is pointless?

[FedoraTheExplora]

Went and took DP his valentines presents this morning. Nothing special, just a big box of chocolates, a cheesy mug and a homemade card. He muttered 'oh yeah I'm gonna go get yours later' and rolled back over it wasn't that he had forgot it was valentines, we've spoke about it. He just thinks that getting it on the day is ok. I said there's not going to be any nice flowers left now so don't bother. We are going out for lunch with the baby, not sure who's going to pay.

I know some of you don't agree with valentines, and I may be BU because my three best friends have got a puppy, a spa weekend and a diamond necklace respectively. However, he went Christmas shopping last year about 7pm on Christmas Eve, when obviously the shops were shut, so I had no presents to wake up to. He knew I had made a massive fuss of him, he got about 15-20 presents from me.

He comes from quite a dysfunctional family who often struggled with money and other issues so didn't really celebrate Christmas/ birthdays (the main reason I spoilt him so much this Christmas to try and make his first proper family Christmas one he really enjoyed - though I know this isn't about gifts/ money). He did make an effort on my birthday a few weeks ago - I don't know if he just has to get used to thinking of these types of celebrations as a time to really show how much you care - or whether he just couldn't give a shit.

So am IBU for thinking cards/ presents for valentines/ birthdays/ christmas from a DP should be planned and purchased/ made before so they can be presented first thing and it seems like you have put an ounce of thought and care into it?

I'm not being grabby either, we're both a bit skint as we are moving soon. I didn't want the puppy or the diamond necklace - just some flowers or even just a card with a nice message in it.

Facebook is the worst for getting you more upset/ angry in times like this

He's going to get you something. Be positive, not negative.

Yup. Be glad he got you something. Dh hasn't left me anything (he's been called in to work!!) and I'm sure he'll forget anyway ( he is a very loving man though).

I don't think YANBU but have you talked with him about how this makes you feel?

Ooh...he was going to get you something, and if this is new to him, he probably thinks that he's doing well getting you things and it doesn't occur to him that it means less because it's on the day, for you?

I mean, he's still thinking about it. And you're going for lunch... so it didn't pass without him saying anything?

I think, if I was you, I'd attempt to lower expectations and teach him to plan ahead, rather than seeing it as a slight. That's not because he's a man - it's because, having had a pretty neglectful childhood myself, it doesn't come naturally for a while.

I know this well. Dh's parents never celebrated birthdays, but my parents always made a HUGE deal. Dh didn't bother with mine and it got me more and more angry about it. Then he completely ignored our eldest daughters first birthday. In the weeks leading up to it just kept saying, she's not going to remember, she's a baby!!
It was that point I relised I'd never told him what birthdays were all about in our family! We had a really long calm conversation where we spoke about the differences in how we had grown up and what birthdays mean to me vs him.
Now he makes a small effort. He goes out 2 days before my birthday rather than the day of after I've had a go at him! 😂
Ive also lowered my expectations and if I want it, I do it! I've stopped hinting and now outright say, can I have x for my birthday, when he says yes I ask should I buy it or will you?
If I want to go for a meal out I organise it. It's not that he doesn't care, he grew up differently! Also he pointed out to me that he tries to show me how much I mean to him on other days, so didn't feel the need to do it on my birthday! And he was right! He does do other little things :)

My advice is to talk it through, take control of the situation and look for the other ways he shows you he loves you ans appreciates you.

Sorry that's not very clear. YANBU, it is frustrating and disappointing to always be the one to make an effort and get so little in return. But my first step would be a calm chat at a later date to let him know how this makes you feel and understand why he is not matching your efforts.

YABU
Stop looking at FBk - meaningless shite!

Stop equating presents with love. Is he good in other ways? Is he lovely in bed? Is he sweet when you least expect it? Is he caring and considerate when you are down? Does he care? Do you love him? THAT is what matters.

Or do you just want to be able to post on Face book?

You do presents - he doesn't. Don't put him in a position where he is the bad guy when he hasn't even woken up yet. Don't make him dance to the tune of a lot off silly people and big business. It really doesn't matter.

Enjoy your day with your little family!

SmallBee yes, he knew how upset I was on Christmas Day. TBH that upset me a lot more as I had spent literally months finding the perfect presents for him and DD. Christmas was never great in my own family growing up either so I think I built up our first family Christmas to such epic proportions that I was probably a bit OTT with how upset I was. It's actually nothing to do with the money - anything I want within reason, I get myself. It was just the lack of thought and effort that upset me.

Anyway, he seemed to get the message so bought me some nice things for my birthday and wrote an absolutely beautiful message in my card - which actually meant the most, I was so touched as it was completely out of character.

Just seems he's slipped back into his couldn't give a shit mode for valentines. I guess I might be blowing it out of proportion - at my age, I am bombarded from the moment I wake up with messages and posts on every social media format with all these amazing shows of love and it's maybe made me get a bit more grumpy than I need to. I'll try and snap out of my bad mood and have a nice day then

YNBU.
I had this last night, told DH I was popping out for baby food (I was) and he said "I'll go".
He wasn't dressed as had got changed into pj's after work and I asked if there was any reason he needed to go out.
He replied he had to pick up something as the days had got away from him.

I knew he meant a card.
He knew I meant a card.

I told him not to bother as I don't want it as an afterthought.

So, I'm sure some people will say you're ungrateful (guess me too) but I get you.

tired so your dh went to get you a card the night before and you're unhappy?!

I think YABU, he obviously isn't the type to need to affirm his love for you with gifts.
This is lovely, it proves he loves you and cares for you.
Anybody can follow the fold and do what other people do because they are told to.
Does he do things quite often to show he cares and loves you?
I know plenty of men who have been screwing a bit on the side and bought flowers/chocs for their Mrs on the way back.
There must be some who did this last night, just because some men do.
Their wives will be thinking how much they're loved because they got gifts.

Yup. Was the tip of the iceberg after a very bad few months so yes, I fully admit I ABU but it was the lack of forethought.

I told him not to bother as I don't want it as an afterthought.

It wasn't an afterthought because her went out to get a card.

No, he'd forgotten full stop until I said I was going out.
Please don't try and make me feel any wise than I already do.

How much forethought is acceptable?

Admit I am in the minority here but I hate people who DO presents and cards and then think that
A - other people like that and
B - that means they are somehow better than those who don't

I hate being given presents, especially ones that have had a "lot of thought" put into them. The consequence is that I have something I don't want and the obligation to spend time and money I don't have on a guessing game to reciprocate.

Sorry - rant - and an unpopular one at that that I expect. Not everyone is the same.

Me and my DH don't do the Valentines stuff. We already know we love each other and show it throughout the year. All the posts on fb are a bit nausea inducing and 4 of the main culprits we know have since spilt up since lasts years competitive posting.
I suppose if it means a lot to you you need to talk to him and explain its important for you to feel he's made an effort before the day and not an afterthought?

It's Valentines, a load of commercial Hallmark shite that some people take too seriously.

Sorry tired but unless you told him it was Valentine's day, then it's not an afterthought

I think, if I was you, I'd attempt to lower expectations and teach him to plan ahead, rather than seeing it as a slight. That's not because he's a man - it's because, having had a pretty neglectful childhood myself, it doesn't come naturally for a while.

I think this is it. He never had a long term relationship before me either, so this really is all new to him. On my birthday, he said it was the first birthday present he had ever bought so I guess I just have to be patient, understand that this is a learning curve for him and lower my expectations so we can meet in the middle:

Ok, IABU. Sorry OP to derail x

A puppy is an awful present. YABU but the problem isn't the present.

It will appear on the Mother's day threads and pops up on birthday threads and is veritable deluge on the Christmas threads - "I put in lots of thought and effort" (regardless of whether that thought was any good) - "He/They didn't - therefore I am superior and they don't love me enough"

Are you all mind readers? I got a six foot purple furry dinosaur for my birthday because my friend knows I love purple and enjoy the Natural History Museum. So thougtful!! (ok - not true - but you see where this is going)

OP - I don't want to be harsh but if you have a lovely DP just enjoy him. You are lucky. Don't spoil it over something that really doesn't mean very much.