AIBU to think a present bought on the day is pointless?

[FedoraTheExplora]

Went and took DP his valentines presents this morning. Nothing special, just a big box of chocolates, a cheesy mug and a homemade card. He muttered 'oh yeah I'm gonna go get yours later' and rolled back over it wasn't that he had forgot it was valentines, we've spoke about it. He just thinks that getting it on the day is ok. I said there's not going to be any nice flowers left now so don't bother. We are going out for lunch with the baby, not sure who's going to pay.

I know some of you don't agree with valentines, and I may be BU because my three best friends have got a puppy, a spa weekend and a diamond necklace respectively. However, he went Christmas shopping last year about 7pm on Christmas Eve, when obviously the shops were shut, so I had no presents to wake up to. He knew I had made a massive fuss of him, he got about 15-20 presents from me.

He comes from quite a dysfunctional family who often struggled with money and other issues so didn't really celebrate Christmas/ birthdays (the main reason I spoilt him so much this Christmas to try and make his first proper family Christmas one he really enjoyed - though I know this isn't about gifts/ money). He did make an effort on my birthday a few weeks ago - I don't know if he just has to get used to thinking of these types of celebrations as a time to really show how much you care - or whether he just couldn't give a shit.

So am IBU for thinking cards/ presents for valentines/ birthdays/ christmas from a DP should be planned and purchased/ made before so they can be presented first thing and it seems like you have put an ounce of thought and care into it?

Just before I leave the thread, I've asked for my post correcting my spelling to be deleted as the biscuit is aimed at me, not any other poster and I'm not in the mood to start a bun fight.
Happy valentines day to you all

Another one here who's totally bemused that tired is offended because her husband went to get a Valentine's card yesterday. So he had forgotten to get it earlier, so what? He was prepared to go to some trouble to repair that.

I work full time plus, I got DH's present by mail order and got a card when I was buying my lunch in M&S yesterday. I don't believe for one moment that either the card or present are any the worse by virtue of the fact that they were bought late.

I think he just isn't into the huge comercialisation of Christmas and valentines etc. Can't you discuss it and you buy far less, just one or two nice things instead of 15+, and he up his nothing to 1-2 gifts also at those events. 15 gifts at Xmas is way more than I would by my children so for an adult it seems crazy.
Reducing gifts so they are a thoughtful small token also savers money for later actual events out like excursions so you can spend time together

Don't worry tired. At least your DP wasn't quite as rubbish as mine.

And was waiting for the puppy comment they've been planning on getting one for months, the date just coincided so not really a valentines gift to be fair

I think he just isn't into the huge comercialisation of Christmas and valentines etc. Can't you discuss it and you buy far less, just one or two nice things instead of 15+, and he up his nothing to 1-2 gifts also at those events.

Yes, I think this is the way to go in future.

My DH hasn't got me anything for Valentines (doubt he knows it's today tbh) and hasn't got me anything for the other 15 V-days we've been together, like your DP his parents don't do celebrations / present ( his dad will bang him £20) so it doesn't occur to him. He does however show his love for me in other ways, I had DS2 a month ago but had HG and SPD from basically week 1 - birth, I was sick of MYSELF, but he had endless patience and kept the family up and running with no input from me. He's downstairs with both boys now while I watch Netflix and MN as I was up all night with DS2. Some of the biggest and boldest ' look what a spoiled girl I am' posts on my FB today are from couples who spend the rest of the year slagging each other off on the same page, I know which I'd rather have.

Is he a good partner overall? Or are there any other issues?

Personally, it's not so much a matter of lowering expectations as such, but acknowledge that his language of love may not be about presents (if everything else is ok).
He might be bemused and possibly overwhelmed that you got in bed today even before he got up with three different things. Why not wait until he got up and agree when to exchange presents, thus giving him a chance to get something first?

The Christmas thing was very bad, yes. I hope he made up for it with later presents, but it could be better to agree on what presents and how many to buy.
For me 15-20 presents for one person would be OTT and totally unnecessary. In his mind you might have set him up for failure anyway in relation to the effort you put in presents.

It sounds like it's a very recent relationship, so you're still adapting. See what he comes up with today. It looks like he has taken on board the present thing for your birthday and he may not value Valentine's as much as you or many others.

For the record, exH was good at presents and occasions (for the most part) and particularly when we were very rocky due to his abuse. I'd rather have someone who didn't care about presents and respected me.

So, I'd place more importance in whether he values you on a day to day basis and how the relationship is overall, than about presents.

I think you need to be very careful there.
It could be that he doesn't really care and can't be bothered to make an effort.
Or it could be that, because it's something that isn't done in his family, he has never build an image around christmas an valetines day as somethng important.

B'days have never been something really important in my family. For example, I have no memory to have ever done something for my mum or dad b'day. Vague memories of a small present for my b'day. Even christmas was on a small side (but I do have lovely memories of Christmas with my grand parents where christmas WAS a big thing).
On the opposite side, in DH side of the family, they've always send cards to each other, got a present etc... It's very important for them (Eg my lovely MIL has organised a card and a present for my b'day when she learnt she was going for heart surgery a few weeks before my b'day. At her place, this would have been the last thing on my mind!). However, their idea of a present is something very practical and often the same thing from year to the next. So there is very little thought that comes into finding the right present. (they are all vey happy with that btw!)

So I've learnt to send cards (something I had never done!) because DH told me it HAD to be done like this.
I taught him to think ahead before buying something so it was more meaningful for the receiver.

Is he a good partner overall? Or are there any other issues

Generally good, we've been together 3 years this year - we moved in together very soon and I fell pregnant quite quickly (contraceptive fail). We've definitely had our ups and downs over the years, but things seem to be getting better and better between us as time goes by. In general, him and our DD make me happier than I ever dreamed I could be.. Which I agree is much more important than valentines presents. He has gone out now and I'm sure he will come back with something lovely, and then take us for a nice lunch. So all is well, and I'm glad I took the opportunity to hear from you guys before blowing up unnecessarily and ruining what I'm sure will be a wonderful day. Thanks everyone

BlueJug I'm with you (unless its presents for kids - kids need presents on their birthdays :o Not lots of presents from people who barely know them and put the thought into how the present makes them look as a giver and not into whether it is a good present for that child personally, and are doing some kind of ritualistic duty present buying which is part of an elaborate social dance of appearances, obligation and indebtedness... just 3 or 4 presents which people who genuinely know and love them want to give them because they know they will make that specific, individual kid, with their individual preferences, happy).

originalusernamefail That is what I mean about true caring - and you appreciate him as he does you.
Lweji has some very good advice - especially about overwhelming or setting up for failure. (How can he compete with 20 presents??)

Just read your last post - so glad for you OP. Be happy with your man. It sounds as if all is well and you have been lovely trying to ask about how to understand him better . He is lucky to have you!

What a great way to end up feeling after a thread! You sound like a lovely family.

FWIW, I don't think YANBU. If your partner knows something is important to you, it's fair enough to be disappointed if they don't make a bit of an effort to accommodate/indulge you. My OH thinks valentines day is utter bollocks, but he still got me a card and present because he knew I would like it.

I'm not sure I buy the argument that someone has never done it before - if they know it's important to you, making you happy should be enough to make a small effort.

It sounds as your OH will be making a decent effort - enjoy!!

I should add that of course there are limits - your wishes have to be reasonable for them to be met. If you want a pony and a princess party everyday, you can sod off!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne - absolutely! But I sense we are in the minority on this!

Right - off to the shops now. Wonder if there are any left over roses going cheap??

Well I think that if you want to make a fuss of him then that's fine and he shouldn't have to make a fuss of you in return.

However, I think that if he knows it's important to Op, then a present in the morning isn't too much to ask.

Thanks, bluejug and scarednoob And Bluejug, you'll probably have to fight my DP over the last bunch.

Maybe you are so over the top about it he feels like he can't measure up, so doesn't try. You spent months getting "perfect" presents for him and your DC, 20 presents just for him....he probably finds your approach to presents and occasions overwhelming. It would be to most people, let alone someone who grew up in a family that didnt really do it at all.

Missed your update Op.

Hope you have a nice lunch.

We don't always get each other Christmas/birthday presents.

But when we do, they are ready to give first thing on the day!

IME men who are great at the whole extravagant romantic gesture stuff tend to be philanderers.

Sensible, reliable and genuine men often need help, guidance and reminders to get it right.

Btw Valentines is just a retailing opportunity really.

Dh is similar. Goes out Xmas eve to tesco for my present. Or the day before my birthday.
So I get a card, after eights, a DVD and a book twice a year!
It's not that I'm ungrateful but I spend ages buying things for him and get organised weeks before.
Hey ho it's just how he is. I know he cares about me he is just disorganised.
He once took the kids out Mother's Day morning to buy a card. I wasn't overly impressed but I did get a lie in while they were out so it wasn't all bad!

Should be grateful you have someone to give you something