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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums in the boys' swimming changing rooms?

116 replies

Dadof3boys · 13/02/2016 23:37

Sorry to intrude here, but this is a genuine question and I would be interested to hear your views.

I have always taken my 3 sons swimming, but have only recently started to feel uneasy at the many women in the male communal changing rooms helping their sons (some up to the age of 9/10) get changed.

I feel that we have segregated facilities for a reason throughout society: remember the outrage over mixed sex hospital wards? I don't think it right for my sons to have to follow the rules on being in the 'correct' facility only to find a grown woman in front of them in the swimming changing room.

I have recently asked mums in the boys' changing room to (politely) use the girls' changing room. When faced with a roll of the eyes and a mutter of "I'm only here for him", I ask if they would be happy to find me, a grown man, in the girls'...? I could also argue that if their boys are old enough to be embarrassed to be in the girls', then they are old enough to dress alone! They have all left fairly quickly not wishing to have the argument. The swimming lesson manager is a wet fish...

My wife is embarrassed and leaves the lessons to me now, but accepts my logic!

AIBU?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2016 10:38

Some people are missing the point of this thread.
This isn't about the age of the children.
This is about a grown woman in the men's changing room. If a child has sen, the parent should still be in the changing room of their own gender, and the child comes with them.

OhYouLuckyDuck · 14/02/2016 10:38

Children aged over 8 should not have an adult of the opposite sex in the changing rooms with them. If they have SN then they should be getting changed in the accessible changing rooms where it's a private room.

OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 14/02/2016 10:39

No family changing at our pool and precious few cubicles frankly so a lot of al-fresco changing - DS is approaching 8 so I'm sending him into the boys, if he takes too long I send DD(4) in after him as I wouldn't dream of going in myself and embarrassing any teenage boys, but I do see other women going in. It's not on and wouldn't be tolerated the other way round.

whatdoIget · 14/02/2016 10:44

There is no way on earth I could go in the men's changing room Shock
I'm amazed that an adult can bring themself to go into the changing room of the opposite sex. How does that even happen?

SirChenjin · 14/02/2016 10:45

YANBU

When my sons were little they came into the female changing rooms with me and then when they were older they went into the male room. At no point would I have ever gone into the male changing room with them. How weird.

Inkymess · 14/02/2016 10:46

The general rules where ever I have lived in the UK is that mums can take boys into to Female changing until age 8 then they go solo in the men's changing and vice versa. The parents are being totally unreasonable

monkeysox · 14/02/2016 10:53

Rosa
Yanbu at ours the child goes into the changing room of the sex of the parent. So a girl with her dad would go in the men's

Our local pool is like this but with no family area. My ds is doing well with swimming and swims with older children (he's six). I've had funny looks in the showers but I've had to explain he's actually in year 1 even though he's tall. Age of separation is 8 there.
There are no family change though only m or f.

Roomba · 14/02/2016 10:53

I'd def be doing the naked star jumps - possibly drying my (hypothetical) balls off thoroughly with a hairdryer too Grin... suspect the women would be off very quickly never to return!

Natsku · 14/02/2016 10:57

Whoa can't believe the cheekiness of grown women going into the men's! 9/10 year olds should be able to change by themselves. They start swimming in primary school here from the 1st grade and somehow the kids manage to change/sauna/shower by themselves at 7 years old with no problem so don't see why an older child can't (barring special needs of course)

EllenJanethickerknickers · 14/02/2016 11:00

YANBU. I used to go to a disabled family swim at a college pool with my 3 DSs and my exH. It took place just after some children's swimming lessons. I took my youngest DS (under 4) into the female changing room and my now exH took the older two into the men's. We both had problems with adults in the 'wrong' changing room helping their DC. There were no cubicles and I was getting changed myself when grown men would wander in with their DDs! Ditto women in the male changing room while exH was getting changed.

The rules were pretty clearly displayed that over 8s must be in the correct gender changing room, but rules obviously don't apply to everyone! Hmm Perhaps they thought that over 8 only applied to those getting changed, not their parents?

My DS2 has SN, hence the disabled family swim, and although he did attend mainstream swimming lessons he wasn't able to organise getting changed and dry by himself. Not to do with coordination, more organisational skills. It meant that from over 8 (or 10 as he looked very young) I couldn't take him to swimming lessons, only my now exH could. Would have been hard once I became a single parent but luckily DS got more capable.

For those DC with disabilities, there should be the equivalent to a disabled toilet, a disabled cubicle with changing facilities that a carer of either gender can help them get changed in privacy if there are just communal changing rooms. Not just for their benefit and modesty, but for those other users of the changing rooms. Luckily modern changing facilities tend to be changing village types, but kids' swimming lessons are often in school pools with communal changing rooms.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/02/2016 11:14

This is about a grown woman in the men's changing room. If a child has sen, the parent should still be in the changing room of their own gender, and the child comes with them

Not always possible. Some places still do not have fully accessible family rooms. And they do have huge problems with an older child of the oppersit gender to the parent/carer using the facilities intended for the parent/carers own gender.

Your plan works in places like that up until about 10/11 after that all hell tends to break lose

honkinghaddock · 14/02/2016 11:22

Many places still do not have a changing room that can be used by a male and female together. I know of a couple of pools where there are disabled changing rooms within the male and female rooms but not one that is accessible to both.

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 14/02/2016 11:26

Ds1 has always been very tall, and looked at lot older than he is. I.e. When he was 11 he was 5 foot 6!

When he was 6 we were at the local pool for his swimming lesson. Ds2 was just a few months old then.

We were in the women's changing room, just in the corner, minding our own business. Another mum came over and told me that we were making her daughter feel uncomfortable bringing an older boy into the changing room. There were other small boys there, so she had obviously made a judgement as to how old ds1 was.

As soon as he was 8 he used the male changing rooms by himself.

So IMO, children up to the age of 8 can go into whichever changing room their parent is in. After that, they use a cubicle or whichever changing room is appropriate, unless then have SN's.

I now it's not always as clear cut as that, but I would feel very uncomfortable with a man in the women's changing area, and I would feel very uncomfortable in the men's changing rooms.

I believe this in now our local councils policy, and posters are up stating this.

NNalreadyinuse · 14/02/2016 11:30

Years ago when my boys were small, I was asked by some elderly women not to bring my sons into the female changing room. Had to get them ready for their swimming lesson and they were too small for me to feel comfortable sending them alone into the mens. While I did understand that elderly women might not feel comfortable changing in front of boys, I dont know what my alternative was really.

I think all changing rooms should be private cubicles.

peggyundercrackers · 14/02/2016 11:59

Yanbu - you should have turned around and bent over to try your feet and if she didn't take the hint after that you should have slung your towel between your legs, holding your towel with one hand on front of you with the other behind you and thrust yourself back and forward on it to dry yourself

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 12:24

"they were too small for me to feel comfortable sending them alone into the mens"

How old were they?

RaspberryOverload · 14/02/2016 12:37

LumpySpacedPrincess
However, women being in the boys changing room is not equivalent to a man being in the girls changing room. A man is much more likely to be a threat than a women. So, the women are annoying and inappropriate but don't pose a threat.

It's fuck all to do with threat. It's about giving the children privacy, the privacy they are entitled to.

So women in the boys changing room is every bit as equivalent to a man in the girls changing room.

My DS is just turning 12. He would be very embarrassed to have women watching him change. He's even making sure his dad and I aren't watching now.

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 12:45

Women and men are not threats to each other or to children in the changing rooms of swimming pools.

However children of both genders are easily made unhappy and uncomfortable if they are asked to get changed in the presence of the opposite gender. And they have a perfect right to feel unhappy and uncomfortable, and not to have to do it.

I cannot understand why people seem to have a blind spot about this.

NNalreadyinuse · 14/02/2016 13:10

They were 6 and 7 bertrand. Even if they'd been a 8 and 9 I dont' think I would have liked sending them into the mens. I don't know who is in there.

Itsmine · 14/02/2016 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balletgirlmum · 14/02/2016 13:29

My issue with ds was not with fear of random paedophiles but he has ASD, no sense of danger, the changing rooms open directly out to the poolside & he was a non swimmer plus he wasn't tall enough or strong enough to operate lockers or heavy doors.

NNalreadyinuse · 14/02/2016 13:32

Agree that at 8 and 9 they are perfectly capable of getting dressed by themselves, but I don't want them in a changing room with strangers. Being outside the door is not adequate protection for my children. They wouldn't necessarily be aware of danger signs, whereas I would.
I'm not someone who thinks all men are dangerous and I know that probably everything would he fine, but the fact is some men are dangerous and I didn't want to leave my dc alone with people that I don't know and trust.

Which is why I think changing rooms should be individual.

NNalreadyinuse · 14/02/2016 13:36

Once my dc got to an age where they were too big for the women's changing room, I swopped their lessons to Saturday and got dh to take them in the men's changing area. I do get that women and girls want privacy and vice versa, but swimming arrangements can be really hard for people who don't have help from a parent of the same sex as their dc.

CityFox · 14/02/2016 13:36

This is why they should have bloody family changing rooms!!!

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2016 13:38

Balletgirl- that's what the facilities for disabled people are for.