This is long and complicated and I genuinely want to know if I'm being unreasonable. So.
My in-laws inherited a large sum of money from my MIL's parents a few years ago. My in-laws were never wealthy (MIL didn't work, FIL had ups and downs so they knew periods of limited income). They used some of the money for having fun which they richly deserved, but they aren't extravagant and have a lot left over. They own their house but are very aware of nursing home expenses etc they may have in the future, which is sensible, right, good and proper.
MIL is one of two. Her sibling got half of the inheritance, although she was never very involved in looking after the parents (whereas MIL was). MIL's sibling kept most of her part of the inheritance but gave a large sum to each of her two children so they could buy houses etc, and it was gratefully received.
MIL also has two children. One, my DH, has received almost nothing - a few hundred pounds. The other is financially disastrous. Whatever DH's sibling wants, MIL pays for, from buying them a house outright (because they couldn't get a mortgage as one is bankrupt and anyway they had no savings for a deposit) to buying groceries, paying for nursery fees, childcare, redoing their garden THREE times, swimming lessons for the children, expensive hairdressing, regular massages and therapy, clothes and shoes, between three and five new cars as far as I know (of the Range Rover sort, not Nissan Micras), thousands of pounds of business investments, hundreds on jewellery repairs, eye surgery, private cosmetic dentistry... DH's sibling works part-time and has turned down full-time jobs because it's too stressful to work full-time (remember, they have no money at all, massive debts, and no childcare expenses). DH's sibling's partner is 'an entrepreneur' but has never made a profit in any business. The expenses are constant and MIL pays for everything. DH's sibling is very close to the in-laws geographically and emotionally and has always been good at handling the in-laws.
Meanwhile, DH and I are self-employed. DH is struggling financially thanks to government cost-cutting, which the in-laws know. I am in a marginally better position at the moment and have been keeping DH out of his overdraft with my savings, which I'd put aside for badly needed home improvements. Our (very ordinary semi-detached) house is barely functional and needs new bathrooms, a new kitchen and some structural building work, desperately. These are not cosmetic improvements - everything is broken and nothing works. We've lived here for five years in very poor conditions. My in-laws have complained for years about how cold the house is when they come to stay, and about the bathrooms not working properly, and about how shabby/untended our garden is. We work all the time and I keep the place clean and tidy but I cannot relay a lawn. Now that my children are old enough to notice, they have started asking why our house is so cold and dirty and why nothing works. We have to live in London for DH's work and we can't afford to move anywhere better, even if it is a smaller house. Until the major work is done on the house we can't do smaller improvements like sorting out the garden, so we are stuck. We basically have no choice but to do the work on it, somehow. We have started getting quotes, hoping that we can borrow more on our mortgage (which could be problematic given DH's situation), and MIL asked how much it was going to cost. I told her our first estimate (which is five times the amount I've saved in five years).
'Oh, that's such a lot of money. I wish we could help you.' (in a wistful tone of voice, not offering.)
I said, 'It is a lot of money.'
End of conversation.
I don't think adult children should expect anything at all in the way of support from their parents as a matter of course; I've never asked my parents for money for anything in my adult life (not that they have it). My DH doesn't ever ask his parents for anything. I believe in saving up, working hard, budgeting and waiting for the chance to do things.
But this is boiling my piss. They don't seem to see that they are treating their children totally differently. MIL's parents would be devastated to know DH (who they adored) was being cut out. Even though they were closer to MIL they were scrupulously fair about dividing their wealth between their children and would expect MIL to do the same, and MIL's sibling has set that example (which MIL thinks is WONDERFUL and told us about!). MIL has said that their wills allow for DH to get the equivalent of what his sibling has borrowed for the house before the remainder is divided between him and his sibling but I really think there won't be anything left by then (and anyway, I hate the idea of waiting for someone to die to see what we can get). (Also, real talk: it could be decades.) I do not care what MIL does with her money if she's spending it on herself - she can throw it in a hole if it makes her happy. But I think she is being unfair to DH (who is quietly upset about it) and to half of her grandchildren. My sibling-in-law is very irresponsible about money and all I have said to MIL is that she's not helping by bailing them out constantly as there will come a point when the money is gone or my in-laws will need it and they'll be stuck. I've NEVER hinted that I think the situation is unfair. I've NEVER criticised them when they say, 'Oh, we've put another 10K into the business because it will fix this problem and then everything will be fine' (and it never is). I don't even talk to DH about it because I don't want to pressure him into complaining. Still.
Piss.
Boiling.
If anyone's still reading, AIBU?