This is long and complicated and I genuinely want to know if I'm being unreasonable. So.
My in-laws inherited a large sum of money from my MIL's parents a few years ago. My in-laws were never wealthy (MIL didn't work, FIL had ups and downs so they knew periods of limited income). They used some of the money for having fun which they richly deserved, but they aren't extravagant and have a lot left over. They own their house but are very aware of nursing home expenses etc they may have in the future, which is sensible, right, good and proper.
MIL is one of two. Her sibling got half of the inheritance, although she was never very involved in looking after the parents (whereas MIL was). MIL's sibling kept most of her part of the inheritance but gave a large sum to each of her two children so they could buy houses etc, and it was gratefully received.
MIL also has two children. One, my DH, has received almost nothing - a few hundred pounds. The other is financially disastrous. Whatever DH's sibling wants, MIL pays for, from buying them a house outright (because they couldn't get a mortgage as one is bankrupt and anyway they had no savings for a deposit) to buying groceries, paying for nursery fees, childcare, redoing their garden THREE times, swimming lessons for the children, expensive hairdressing, regular massages and therapy, clothes and shoes, between three and five new cars as far as I know (of the Range Rover sort, not Nissan Micras), thousands of pounds of business investments, hundreds on jewellery repairs, eye surgery, private cosmetic dentistry... DH's sibling works part-time and has turned down full-time jobs because it's too stressful to work full-time (remember, they have no money at all, massive debts, and no childcare expenses). DH's sibling's partner is 'an entrepreneur' but has never made a profit in any business. The expenses are constant and MIL pays for everything. DH's sibling is very close to the in-laws geographically and emotionally and has always been good at handling the in-laws.
Meanwhile, DH and I are self-employed. DH is struggling financially thanks to government cost-cutting, which the in-laws know. I am in a marginally better position at the moment and have been keeping DH out of his overdraft with my savings, which I'd put aside for badly needed home improvements. Our (very ordinary semi-detached) house is barely functional and needs new bathrooms, a new kitchen and some structural building work, desperately. These are not cosmetic improvements - everything is broken and nothing works. We've lived here for five years in very poor conditions. My in-laws have complained for years about how cold the house is when they come to stay, and about the bathrooms not working properly, and about how shabby/untended our garden is. We work all the time and I keep the place clean and tidy but I cannot relay a lawn. Now that my children are old enough to notice, they have started asking why our house is so cold and dirty and why nothing works. We have to live in London for DH's work and we can't afford to move anywhere better, even if it is a smaller house. Until the major work is done on the house we can't do smaller improvements like sorting out the garden, so we are stuck. We basically have no choice but to do the work on it, somehow. We have started getting quotes, hoping that we can borrow more on our mortgage (which could be problematic given DH's situation), and MIL asked how much it was going to cost. I told her our first estimate (which is five times the amount I've saved in five years).
'Oh, that's such a lot of money. I wish we could help you.' (in a wistful tone of voice, not offering.)
I said, 'It is a lot of money.'
End of conversation.
I don't think adult children should expect anything at all in the way of support from their parents as a matter of course; I've never asked my parents for money for anything in my adult life (not that they have it). My DH doesn't ever ask his parents for anything. I believe in saving up, working hard, budgeting and waiting for the chance to do things.
But this is boiling my piss. They don't seem to see that they are treating their children totally differently. MIL's parents would be devastated to know DH (who they adored) was being cut out. Even though they were closer to MIL they were scrupulously fair about dividing their wealth between their children and would expect MIL to do the same, and MIL's sibling has set that example (which MIL thinks is WONDERFUL and told us about!). MIL has said that their wills allow for DH to get the equivalent of what his sibling has borrowed for the house before the remainder is divided between him and his sibling but I really think there won't be anything left by then (and anyway, I hate the idea of waiting for someone to die to see what we can get). (Also, real talk: it could be decades.) I do not care what MIL does with her money if she's spending it on herself - she can throw it in a hole if it makes her happy. But I think she is being unfair to DH (who is quietly upset about it) and to half of her grandchildren. My sibling-in-law is very irresponsible about money and all I have said to MIL is that she's not helping by bailing them out constantly as there will come a point when the money is gone or my in-laws will need it and they'll be stuck. I've NEVER hinted that I think the situation is unfair. I've NEVER criticised them when they say, 'Oh, we've put another 10K into the business because it will fix this problem and then everything will be fine' (and it never is). I don't even talk to DH about it because I don't want to pressure him into complaining. Still.
Piss.
Boiling.
If anyone's still reading, AIBU?
AIBU?
To think the in-laws are being very unfair to us
Flugelpip · 13/02/2016 22:12
YANBU and your attitude is very wise 
Congratulations.
A couple of the aged relatives in my family are like this - the wealthier ones, and not closely enough related for me to feel hard done by. But I think people who've never seen this 'blind spot' in action find it hard to grasp just how blind it is! The two favoured adult children are - well, eternal children. Both very talented, gifted, just never getting the right breaks and/or always being let down by others. You know the story. Every new venture, new car, house, lovely antique from parental home, anything - is furnished by the parent. Yet the same parents are quick to criticise others, including their own other children, for messing up. And they genuinely can't see how biased they are.
In these two cases, it has roots in feeling they under-served the now favoured child when young. But over the years, it's turned into something approaching a delusion. It's quite odd.
I know he thinks he's letting us down by earning less (through no fault of his own) and he is fed up for his parents, not for himself, about his sibling's behaviour
Clearly a very decent man (even if he's wrong about "letting you down" 
) However I admit that feeling sorry for his parents would make me just a little bit cross - after all they could choose to say no
As for will clauses, etc, which allow for gifts already made, I'll say it again: any such arrangement would surely depend for its success on the amounts having been properly recorded - and from the sound of things I wouldn't necessarily take that as read
It's like a cult, puzzled - they are completely unable to get any kind of perspective on it! They keep saying they don't want to give them any more money for the businesses but then something else comes up and they tell us, very shame-faced, that they've had to put in some more, or that they've given them another loan. It's that thing where they need it to be a success because they've put in so much, and it definitely will collapse if they don't, so they do. Cutting their losses in the business should have happened a long time ago and if they weren't using family money, a bank would have pulled the plug. It's not good for anyone involved. We feel quite lucky not to be directly affected as there's only one way it will end up.
To be clear, the other side aren't being evil; they are nice and well-meaning but just totally irresponsible. DH's sibling doesn't ask for money directly but is very emotional and was on anti-depressants for a month 
which sent MIL into a blind panic. MIL is worried that their marriage will break up or her child will develop crippling depression so just pays for everything to try to solve their problems. I've heard MIL very firmly saying, 'I'll pay for X. No, I've decided I'm paying for it, so I will. No arguments, please.' She feels as if she's persuading them to take her money...
shutupandshop he works all over the place and this is a quiet (not very smart) bit where there are great transport links. We've lived in this area a long time and we would really struggle to find anything better. Prices have gone through the roof locally so getting a house in good condition, even a much smaller one, would be tough. Friends who do the same job tried living out of London and spent a fortune/all their time on trains - they ended up moving back. To be honest it's just that we've reached the point where we can't make any more small improvements. We've been told not to do anything else until the structural work is done so we're stuck. If we had £££ to spend on the building work we'd tick over nicely between the two of us, financially - we don't spend a lot in everyday living. In other times DH earned a lot more than me and I don't have a problem with earning more than him now; we're in it together and being self-employed gives you a fairly fatalistic view of income. We have had good years and they may come again. Moving also costs a lot so unless there were other reasons to go, we're better off staying put. I am just frustrated, that's all!
And yes, forgetting it is probably the wisest thing to do. I really despise myself for minding the money aspect of things (as opposed to minding for DH's sake that his parents are favouring his sibling). We have lovely DCs who are generally happy, we have lovely neighbours and friends locally, we are near lots of parks/free stuff that we can enjoy. With an extra jumper on, life is not so bad.
We have lovely DCs who are generally happy, we have lovely neighbours and friends locally, we are near lots of parks/free stuff that we can enjoy. With an extra jumper on, life is not so bad
So who's the rich one now, then?? 
Op couldn't read and run I'm not surprised your piss is boiling over this one. I don't have much in the way of advice but I take my hat off to you for keeping your cool when she has come into your house and started tearing into the state of it. I know that if that was me I would say something along the lines of 'well you're more than welcome to pay for it if it bothers you so much!' You are obviously a very good wife and mother- you clearly have your priorities right and well done to the both of you for preparing yourselves for bad times with savings unlike BIL. I hope your dh business sees better days soon and you can start building the house of your dreams. Your children are very lucky to have parents who work so hard. Let us know how you get on 
Thanks, wardy and everyone else. Slightly tearing up. I must try to find a way to tell DH that I'm a very good wife. 
Cross posted with you, Flugel
I'm really sorry, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm afraid tears and boo-hooing about "what could we dooooo" would cut very little ice with me. They appear to be functioning adults who are quite capable of making their own decisions, and have largely brought this upon themselves through their own free choices
While it's not easy to cope with the obvious unfairness of their behaviour, do you really want to have to listen to their self-inflicted angst over this as well?? Might it not be easier to simply reply "well, that's your choice to make - now, did you say tea or coffee?"
Yanbu, and I would suspect the will does not reflect the disparity at all. Similar happened to me in that my parents gave my sister a load of money to buy a house. They said they were sorry they couldn't do the same for me but it would be reflected in their will. Years later they made a comment that they didn't have a will. I was a bit especially as they always moan about the difference in the way my dad and his siblings were treated when it came to help whether financially or practically.
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