To think the in-laws are being very unfair to us

[Flugelpip]

This is long and complicated and I genuinely want to know if I'm being unreasonable. So.

My in-laws inherited a large sum of money from my MIL's parents a few years ago. My in-laws were never wealthy (MIL didn't work, FIL had ups and downs so they knew periods of limited income). They used some of the money for having fun which they richly deserved, but they aren't extravagant and have a lot left over. They own their house but are very aware of nursing home expenses etc they may have in the future, which is sensible, right, good and proper.

MIL is one of two. Her sibling got half of the inheritance, although she was never very involved in looking after the parents (whereas MIL was). MIL's sibling kept most of her part of the inheritance but gave a large sum to each of her two children so they could buy houses etc, and it was gratefully received.

MIL also has two children. One, my DH, has received almost nothing - a few hundred pounds. The other is financially disastrous. Whatever DH's sibling wants, MIL pays for, from buying them a house outright (because they couldn't get a mortgage as one is bankrupt and anyway they had no savings for a deposit) to buying groceries, paying for nursery fees, childcare, redoing their garden THREE times, swimming lessons for the children, expensive hairdressing, regular massages and therapy, clothes and shoes, between three and five new cars as far as I know (of the Range Rover sort, not Nissan Micras), thousands of pounds of business investments, hundreds on jewellery repairs, eye surgery, private cosmetic dentistry... DH's sibling works part-time and has turned down full-time jobs because it's too stressful to work full-time (remember, they have no money at all, massive debts, and no childcare expenses). DH's sibling's partner is 'an entrepreneur' but has never made a profit in any business. The expenses are constant and MIL pays for everything. DH's sibling is very close to the in-laws geographically and emotionally and has always been good at handling the in-laws.

Meanwhile, DH and I are self-employed. DH is struggling financially thanks to government cost-cutting, which the in-laws know. I am in a marginally better position at the moment and have been keeping DH out of his overdraft with my savings, which I'd put aside for badly needed home improvements. Our (very ordinary semi-detached) house is barely functional and needs new bathrooms, a new kitchen and some structural building work, desperately. These are not cosmetic improvements - everything is broken and nothing works. We've lived here for five years in very poor conditions. My in-laws have complained for years about how cold the house is when they come to stay, and about the bathrooms not working properly, and about how shabby/untended our garden is. We work all the time and I keep the place clean and tidy but I cannot relay a lawn. Now that my children are old enough to notice, they have started asking why our house is so cold and dirty and why nothing works. We have to live in London for DH's work and we can't afford to move anywhere better, even if it is a smaller house. Until the major work is done on the house we can't do smaller improvements like sorting out the garden, so we are stuck. We basically have no choice but to do the work on it, somehow. We have started getting quotes, hoping that we can borrow more on our mortgage (which could be problematic given DH's situation), and MIL asked how much it was going to cost. I told her our first estimate (which is five times the amount I've saved in five years).

'Oh, that's such a lot of money. I wish we could help you.' (in a wistful tone of voice, not offering.)
I said, 'It is a lot of money.'

End of conversation.

I don't think adult children should expect anything at all in the way of support from their parents as a matter of course; I've never asked my parents for money for anything in my adult life (not that they have it). My DH doesn't ever ask his parents for anything. I believe in saving up, working hard, budgeting and waiting for the chance to do things.

But this is boiling my piss. They don't seem to see that they are treating their children totally differently. MIL's parents would be devastated to know DH (who they adored) was being cut out. Even though they were closer to MIL they were scrupulously fair about dividing their wealth between their children and would expect MIL to do the same, and MIL's sibling has set that example (which MIL thinks is WONDERFUL and told us about!). MIL has said that their wills allow for DH to get the equivalent of what his sibling has borrowed for the house before the remainder is divided between him and his sibling but I really think there won't be anything left by then (and anyway, I hate the idea of waiting for someone to die to see what we can get). (Also, real talk: it could be decades.) I do not care what MIL does with her money if she's spending it on herself - she can throw it in a hole if it makes her happy. But I think she is being unfair to DH (who is quietly upset about it) and to half of her grandchildren. My sibling-in-law is very irresponsible about money and all I have said to MIL is that she's not helping by bailing them out constantly as there will come a point when the money is gone or my in-laws will need it and they'll be stuck. I've NEVER hinted that I think the situation is unfair. I've NEVER criticised them when they say, 'Oh, we've put another 10K into the business because it will fix this problem and then everything will be fine' (and it never is). I don't even talk to DH about it because I don't want to pressure him into complaining. Still.

Piss.

Boiling.

If anyone's still reading, AIBU?

I don't think you can, or should speak up. My dp's parents are the same. He is one of 6, 2 sisters have had houses bought for them, 1 feckless gambler of a brother gets his debts paid while his entire family are designer clad, and the other brother had his private vet's studio set up for him.

The only thing dp has ever had is a loan of £300 which he paid back.

We chunter about it, but tbh, I am not prepared to waste emotional energy getting bitter about people I don't actually care about and have it eat away at me. Dp drives a fiat panda which is over 10 yrs old.. his brothers both have flash motors. The difference is their parents didn't buy ours. Our (rented) flat is half the size of theirs, but we pay for every lightbulb unlike the rest of the parasites in the family.

I don't expect them to pay for it Teezyweezy but I'd like it if they'd offer to help us by loaning us some money when they have a lot and are more than generous to DH's sibling. Just to be clear, these are big issues we are having with our house, our finances, DH's work and lots of other things. I haven't gone into all our issues but they are serious. I couldn't give a flying fuck about how landscaped the garden is but my children can't use it at the moment as it's actually dangerous, and has been for five years, and it cannot be fixed until the house is fixed.

I almost hate to ask since it's not as if you can do anything about this, but how confident are you that their will really reflects "what his sibling has borrowed for the house"?? I've heard this before from others, and somehow when it came to it, the "adjustment" never quite got made. And anyway, how would it work? Is it really likely they'd visit the solicitor with a running total every time they hand out more?

You're absolutely right that it's sickening, but equally right about saving and budgeting sensibly on your own behalf. I know it's not much consolation, but hang on to the fact that you, at least, are behaving decently - and remember that this way, you're likely to be the greater success in the end

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark you're so right. It's a comfort to know we are doing things on our own terms, in a way, and when I'm feeling less desperate (and cold) I take a lot of pride in it. It is a waste of energy to moan about it because I can't speak up and nothing is ever going to change.

Taking a deep breath now.

Op, YANBU at all. It's awful to feel that way, as you know, but it really isn't fair either. I consider myself incredibly lucky that my parents are very generous and scrupulously fair in the way they handle money. My siblings and I have all had the exact same amount from them, and the same opportunities for more if required.

They are so fair, in fact, that my DM is offering to do childcare for me one day a week so I can do a bit of (highly lucrative) freelance work. Involving her driving a 140 mile round trip. This is because they are moving to live closer to my other siblings and know they'll prob end up doing ad hoc child care for them over the years which I will miss out on. (I haven't decided whether to take DM up on this yet. I won't if I don't need to.)

I am so sorry your DH's parents aren't able to see how unfair they are being

Not confident at all, Puzzled - especially when they wanted to make sibling-in-law an executor of the will because they thought it would be hurtful not to! DH did point out that was legally unwise since they would be the major debtor to the estate. I've written it off, as I have with my parents - I tend to assume they'll all spend the lot on living to be 100+.

You're very lucky honeysucklejasmine - what a lovely DM to have.

YANBU. Feel free to vent..... My MIL favours my SIL openly and we are talking buying her a house with cash and enabling her to pursue her 'career' as an artist (which doesn't pay the bills but then it doesn't matter because there is the bank of Mum to bail her out on every single time!) The emotional impact of her actions has acted detrimentally on the relationships between her 3 children (not surprisingly).

How do you cope without too much fallout? Well, more distance and try to focus on the positives of your own family unit. DH & I don't talk about it - it never leads to anything positive when we do and we can't change her behaviour since she simply cannot accept that it greatly upsets the 2 unflavoured children as well as damaging their relationship with their entitled sibling. Let's just say that I have no problem in saying 'No' to any of MIL's demands in the last few years and there is no chance in hell that we'll be looking after her in her old age.

It has caused family upset but as far as I'm concerned, you reap what you sow!

sympathies - it would make me mad too. I hope it's made you feel a bit better to vent. it's not at all fair.

but, as you know yourself, it's their money and they can do what they like with it. you're very sensible to not let it interfere with their relationship with your children, even though it's hard for you.

AyeAmarok you're right - most of the problems with the house became apparent after we moved in, but we did buy it. We have to be in London for DH's work so there isn't really a cheaper option near a good state school, which this is, at least. DH's job used to be absolutely fine income-wise and is a very worthwhile, society-helping one in the public sector (which matters a lot to him) but the government have cut back on the fees he can earn and it's taking him a while to get more work to make up for those cuts. He's a professional and not really qualified to do anything else.

It beggars belief how they could come to your house, see how you are struggling to repair/replae and whinge about the cold without offering you some sort of help, given that they're throwing money hand over fist at your DH's sibling.

Surely they must see the big picture? Do they think you'd be offended by the offer of money?
Could they not ask DH about the quotes and see what sort of money you need to find?
"Oh that's such alot of money I wish we could help you" , even if you were planning a complete refit, it would be nowhere near house/cars/dentistry that they've paid out.

Next time they want to stay, I'd suggest they stay in a hotel as your house is so cold , you don't want to make them suffer, do you?

I completely understand where you're coming from. It's not about wanting a handout, it's about the fundamental unfairness of parents obviously favouring one child over the other.

DH's sister has never worked (entirely through choice, no health issues or anything)and PIL's bought her a lovely new-build house outright and furnished it from top to bottom, bought her a car, take her and DC's abroad on holiday every year and cover all manner of ongoing expenses such as bills, petrol, kids school clothes and shoes etc. Because PIL take care of all her outgoings, she is free to fritter everything she claims in benefits on nights out, spa days, new clothes etc. and then jokes about how she'd have to be a "mug" to get a job. It does my head in when she makes these comments because I work with vulnerable families, many of whom claim benefits and I see how much they have to struggle to make ends meet despite being responsible people who do their absolute best to provide a decent standard of living for their kids.

DH and I have never been offered any financial help whatsover from PIL's, which is fine, we don't expect any, but I know he feels hurt that they favour his sister so blatantly. I remember years ago when we had just bought our very first house, he was juggling a full time office job with evening and weekend bar work, I was combining work as a care assistant with a full time degree and money was tight. We had PIL's round for dinner (something SIL has never done) and they spent the entire evening criticising the shabby decor, the noisy old heating system, the neighbourhood (not exactly naice but by no means a ghetto), the outdated kitchen..we patiently explained that we planned to fix/replace things eventually but that we didn't have the money to make any improvements at that point. Then they started on at DH about how he really should get rid of his "old banger" and invest in a "decent" motor if he wanted to be taken seriously at work. FIL said he wished he could help but that he needed to save as SIL's car "could do with an upgrade" as she'd had it for three years . I distinctly remember feeling so angry, then immediately feeling a pang of guilt because what right did I have to judge them for how they spend their money?

It's a tough one OP

I'll say it again, Flugel - the sheer common sense you both show will bring you out on top in the end

The executor choice is, as you say, madness; I only hope your in laws are prepared for disappointment when they expect the sibling to help them out in their old age ...

Btw, as the dil, you need to stay out of it. It's between your DH & your MIL. Resentment is natural but don't allow it to eat you up. You have to laugh about it otherwise, you'll cry - believe me, I know! At the end if the day, your MIL can do what she likes with her money. If your DH doesn't feel that he should ask for financial help from his own mother (which is fair enough), you need to let it go. My MIL had an epic row with DH when he protested that it was unfair treatment. It was a tad much for her to expect her remaining 2 children to applaud her actions and be happy for their sibling when their mother blatantly tells you not to expect anything at all from her because she could only afford to help 1 child out of the 3. (No disabilities in any way shape or form - only pure, overt favouritism at its worst!)

I'm another one who understands OP. FIL & his wife are wealthy. They have bailed out SIL1 to the tune of £30k debt, alongside lots of handouts / paying her rent / paying uni fees for her continuous studying. For SIL2 (who is much younger) they pay tuition fees, rent for a private rental (because God forbid she lives like a normal student), brand new car, several holidays a year, an allowance because they don't want her to work. It's endless.
And DH? Nothing. Even back when he was a teenager learning to drive. He worked and saved and bought, taxed and insured a car. MIL worked overtime to help with lessons. No offer from FIL. Meanwhile, SIL1 is being bankrolled through uni and SIL2 was in private school.
Now, DH has waited until he was late 20s to be able to afford to study, I support him, and FIL talks about how tight money is for them because SIL2 is now studying too. It really annoys me.

But do you know what's worse? Is the way they make DH feel. He's so steady, he's always had to look after himself and he's done a great job, but the look on his face when things like this happen in front of him is horrible. (For Christmas SIL1 & 2 had £500 worth of presents each easily, SIL1s children had similar. DH had a rugby top and a book). As a result, he's backed right off from FIL and we barely see or hear from him. he makes fortnightly visits to both SILs and calls them every other day but that's another story I'm glad, because I want to say something. It's not the money, it's the blatant unfairness that upsets me and by that I mean makes me very very angry

"MIL has said that their wills allow for DH to get the equivalent of what his sibling has borrowed for the house before the remainder is divided between him and his sibling"
OP, is it possible that PILs have included a hotchpotch clause in their wills?

YANBU. Read up in golden children and scapegoats. They sound toxic - feel proud you are not indebted to them.

I suppose the next time she says anything about money and her other child, you could try "DH gets a bit upset about it, and it does seem a bit unfair.....".

On the other hand, you did say that she could throw her money into a hole and you wouldn't care. It sounds like that is exactly what she is doing.

I think DH would kill me if I said anything about it. I do think about what his grandparents would say if they knew as they never got on with his sibling (probably another reason why the in-laws have always been so keen to show they prefer the sibling). I know he thinks he's letting us down by earning less (through no fault of his own) and he is fed up for his parents, not for himself, about his sibling's behaviour. It is just a toxic situation.

I always feel you pay for what you get, somehow. There's no such thing as free money. At the moment we can make our own decisions and not have to justify them, and that almost makes up for having to wear a coat in the kitchen...

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy that sounds so horrible. It's so much worse when these things happen to the person you love.

YANBU.

It also sounds like it's not about the money really, it's about the fairness of it all - as it so often is, just as when posters complain about the ILs doing loads of free childcare for a sibling but not them. It's not about the value of the input, it's the discrepancy.

FWIW, my DM lent DH and me a fairly substantial sum to buy our house (greater London deposit sized sum). My DSis was not at that point in a position to buy. We arranged that in the event that DM died before we'd paid her back then my DSis would benefit from the remaining balance difference from DM's estate. Unfortunately, DM did die. My DSis is receiving more of the willed 'equal split' inheritance than I am because I still owed money into the estate. And that's how it should be! Because it wouldn't be fair otherwise.

VioletEffingham I've just looked that up and yes, I think they probably have. But the solicitor didn't see a problem with the sibling being an executor until my DH pointed it out, at which point he agreed whole-heartedly - so I don't think they've had the best possible legal advice on it and I'm not counting on it. Also, I genuinely don't wish they were dead!

It's such a clear statement of preference of one sibling over another, LBOCS2. I have two DCs and I can't believe I could do that to them. Your family arrangement sounds much fairer (and I'm very sorry for your loss).

Was there always a disparity between your dh and his sibling? Sometimes parents seem to favour one child over the others because they feel a bit guilty about differences between them. Or maybe they just help him out more because he appears to need it more? Now it's a habit.

Hi Flugel. When reading your post, I was surprised at how similar this is to my PIL's behavior, and YNBU at all. My DH has always been very independent and so am I, and have never expected anything from PILs. But it was hurtful that when we were thinking of doing a house renovation, FIL asked me (when DH was not in the room) how much it would cost, I told him, and he said that it was a lot and they would not be able to pay for the renovation as they did for BIL' house extension. I was surprised because it would have never occurred to us to ask them to give us any money. And then when they came to visit some months later, they told us cheerily that they had "loaned" BIL £££££ for a deposit to buy a holiday home, which was according to them, much bigger than our house. I could not believe it, as they also brag about treating their children exactly the same and having no favorites.

This was just the latest thing in them benefitting BIL and family, but you know what? I was very angry for a bit, but then I have just decided to ignore it. They are fantastic grandparents to my children (I do not compare anymore what they do with BIL' children), they love my husband dearly, and have always been extremely kind to me, so I am in turn welcoming, loving and just smile and nod when they talk about BIL wonderful holiday home, or anything else related to their lives. Something inside me sort of detached and I am happier now about our relationship with them.

I have since realized that BIL and his wife are manipulative and just try to get as much as they can from PILs (free childcare, use of car, etc, etc). So I keep my distance emotionally but still go through the motions when we meet with BIl and family. But it has certainly affected our relationship.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to say that I completely understand how you feel, and how it hurts to see your husband being treated unfairly. So my advice is to concentrate on the PIL's good things for your children's sake. All the best!