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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a mug?

115 replies

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 18:00

My friend asked last week if I could watch her toddler for a day last week and over this weekend.
She and her dh are working and their regular childcare (gm) is unavailable this week. I agreed, and it's absolutely no problem for me to look after her.
It did mean that on the weekday I lost my weekly 2.5hr freetime (when dd goes to to pre school). My dh works away 3 weeks at a time so it's the only time I get to go for a long run without taking the buggy. I didn't mind as I was helping her out, and it's a one off.
Her dh works shifts, so on that day I had their dd I saw him run past me when I was on the school run. I was a bit surprised as I didn't reaslise at the time that his shifts are basically an hour, 3 times a day. So 3 hours work in total. He goes home and does what he wants in between.
I felt mildly annoyed when I found this out as I'd basically given up my only freetime so he could go for a run!
I've had her all day today too. I have 2 of my own children so having a 3rd wasn't a big deal and we had a nice day out. Her mum picked her up and was annoyed as she'd just found out that her dh has pulled a sicky today, he's not sick. He happily dropped his child off with me this morning, and when I made small talk about his day he gave me the impression he was working. Now, it didn't bother me much as their dd just slotted in to our day today.
But tomorrow is different. I have their dd all day again. I'm giving up my chance to go for a run with the buggy but also I'm doing a 3 hour journey to my sister's once friend's child has been collected. I'm having to leave at tea time, when I'd rather leave earlier.
I'm tempted to text friend now and say that I can no longer look after her child. I know it's not her fault but afterall, if her dh can pull a sickie today for no reason, then why not tomorrow? I feel like I'm being spiteful though, but also feel a bit of a mug! Would IBU to do this?

OP posts:

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 19:49

Good question Facedontfit.

serin · 13/02/2016 19:53

Oh OP you need to stick up for yourself.

Is her DH a lollipop man? I can think of no other job with those working hours.

RosaDiazepam · 13/02/2016 20:02

I would've text something direct like 'let me know ASAP if your dp is off again tomorrow, I feel like a bit of a mug being your emergency daycare while he had the day off! Sorry friend I do need to drive to my sisters tomorrow so it's not like I'm twiddling my thumbs all day. Thanks!'

expatinscotland · 13/02/2016 20:05

Good text. I'd never help them out again, though.

donajimena · 13/02/2016 20:17

Your friend seems genuine. Her husband is an arse

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 20:20

Thanks everyone.
He is a private carer for an elderly man just down the road. He has to pop in 3 times each day.
I've not heard back from her. I'll leave it as it is now and then chat to her in the morning x

OP posts:

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 20:41

So the DH let an eldery person down too by pulling his ''sickie''.
Sounds like he is completely selfish and without morals or conscience.
I feel sorry for your friend. You've done more than help her up to now... I'm afraid you'll be further drawn it if you don't assert yourself in the morning. Enjoy your evening x

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 20:44

Er, yes mummy he did! That never occured to me! :/

OP posts:

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 20:46

Sorry, that sounds sarcastic! Wasn't meant to be. I genuinly hadn't thought about the fact that he obviously doesn't care who he messes around!

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 13/02/2016 20:50

I think you're doing exactly the right thing :)

Oldraver · 13/02/2016 20:51

Mummy I think the 3 x 1 hour was in the week

Oldraver · 13/02/2016 20:52

Oh sorry I read it wrong

RandomMess · 13/02/2016 20:56

Sounds like he needs to GTFU.

Akire · 13/02/2016 20:59

Wow he's taking mic. He could drop
Child with you and then go to work if so close by. So 10 m either side 3h work plus 1h "travel" that still leaves 4-5h a day he can look after child.

I'd would stopped him jogging and handed over the child! You were doing emergency childcare for work not for him have leisure time.

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 21:13

Shameful please don't get drawn in. You sound like me or how I used to be until I was messed around once too often. Your poor friend needs to sort him out. I hate to say it It sounds like he 'possibly' planned today knowing you were doing the childcare (what he should have been doing!) AND, he could have done a ''sickie'' today as his DM was busy in order to to look after their child as your friend was working. Maybe I'm being uneccessarily suspicious, but as he seems to have 'used' his own mum in the past... maybe this is why she wasn't available... maybe he has taken advantage there once too often?

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 21:38

I was tempted to hand her over as he ran past, he stopped as he was near his home but I just kept walking with his dd as I was worries that if she saw him she'd get upset.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 13/02/2016 21:42

So next time ( if there is one) that's what you do -seriously.

Also if he works in hour long shifts then why are you having their DD for the whole day?

Text again tonight and say that you would like to fit in your run tomorrow as well as leaving earlier than tea time and can your friend confirm exactly what hours her H is working and can they work out a schedule that will allow you to fit in your run.

And seriously do not babysit for them again. it's fine to feel sorry for your friend, but you do not owe them free babysitting. If they really appreciated what you did, then they'd see that your DH is away a lot of the time and either your friend would offer to babysit for you or do something reciprocal.

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 21:43

I haven't heard from friend. I was kind of hoping she'd say that they've sorted other care out, or dh has decided to take day off again with dd. So I guess I'll be watching dd again tomorrow. Which I honestly don't mind doing, as long as it is actually helping them out.
I agreed to looking after their dd before I decided to go visit my sister. I didn't want to bail on them, which is why I thought I'd drive later.
But if I'm sitting waiting for them, whilst he's at home doing nothing, then that's the annoying bit

OP posts:

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 21:49

I didn't realise rookie what his shifts were until the end of the week, after I saw him running I asked friend what his hours were.
I'd already agreed to the weekend care, and as it was all day I didn't think it would be the same times.
It's just so alien to me. My dh spends soooo much time away from our dc due to work, that he would never dream of leaving them ALL day for no real reason!
Fair enough that he wanted to go for a run, and I'd be happy to watch her for a couple hours so he could do that. It just the blatent lying that I was needed all day. I had her for 11 hours on one day last week!

OP posts:

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 22:03

It's late now so there's no point texting again. You can say what you need to say politely to your friend face-to-face tomorrow.
As you say, you genuinely didn't mind and their DD is not a problem.
I agree the lying was blatent and it has left a bad taste.
Sounds like the DH must be quite controlling with your friend too... after your text I imagine your friend will have talked to him so it would have been nice to at least get a reply of some sort and not leave you hanging on.

One thing is for sure... you have been a kind friend but there won't be a next time. Once bitten...

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 22:05

Yes mummy thank you :)

OP posts:

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 22:18

Good luck for tomorrow, you'll be fine :-) X

0christmastree5 · 13/02/2016 23:05

Some people are piss takers, I was asked to take a dc to sch and bring him home for two weeks I later realised the wife was around and could have done it.
Yanbu to cancel but how do know he is around tomorrow to look after his dd?

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 14/02/2016 08:49

I don't christmas I'm just thinking that if he's willing to pull a sickie when he doesn't need to, then he can pull one when hos childcare falls througj.
But I'm not going to do that. I'll watch their dd today, but ask that they come collect her earlier than originally planned. I haven't received a text back yet.

OP posts:

tiredvommachine · 14/02/2016 09:03

You sound a lovely friend shameful but make this the last time.

I hear what people are saying about there may be problems between your friend and her DH but that isn't your issue and allowing things like this to occur is just enabling his behaviour.

Have a safe journey later

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