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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a mug?

115 replies

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 18:00

My friend asked last week if I could watch her toddler for a day last week and over this weekend.
She and her dh are working and their regular childcare (gm) is unavailable this week. I agreed, and it's absolutely no problem for me to look after her.
It did mean that on the weekday I lost my weekly 2.5hr freetime (when dd goes to to pre school). My dh works away 3 weeks at a time so it's the only time I get to go for a long run without taking the buggy. I didn't mind as I was helping her out, and it's a one off.
Her dh works shifts, so on that day I had their dd I saw him run past me when I was on the school run. I was a bit surprised as I didn't reaslise at the time that his shifts are basically an hour, 3 times a day. So 3 hours work in total. He goes home and does what he wants in between.
I felt mildly annoyed when I found this out as I'd basically given up my only freetime so he could go for a run!
I've had her all day today too. I have 2 of my own children so having a 3rd wasn't a big deal and we had a nice day out. Her mum picked her up and was annoyed as she'd just found out that her dh has pulled a sicky today, he's not sick. He happily dropped his child off with me this morning, and when I made small talk about his day he gave me the impression he was working. Now, it didn't bother me much as their dd just slotted in to our day today.
But tomorrow is different. I have their dd all day again. I'm giving up my chance to go for a run with the buggy but also I'm doing a 3 hour journey to my sister's once friend's child has been collected. I'm having to leave at tea time, when I'd rather leave earlier.
I'm tempted to text friend now and say that I can no longer look after her child. I know it's not her fault but afterall, if her dh can pull a sickie today for no reason, then why not tomorrow? I feel like I'm being spiteful though, but also feel a bit of a mug! Would IBU to do this?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 13/02/2016 18:40

It really does depend on whether she is a good friend with a dick for a husband, or whether she's just someone you know. There are some men who have this inflexible idea that women are there to make men's lives easier, so they will not look after their own children when a woman can be persuaded to do it for them.

SharkSkinThing · 13/02/2016 18:42

^^ what biscuit said.

I think you have to call people out sometimes, even when it's hard!

Speaking from experience, whilst it's kind to be kind, free time is gold dust, and you really need yours! Flowers

Potatoface2 · 13/02/2016 18:42

i feel quite sorry for your friend....it seems like shes married to a selfish prick....hardly works, takes sickies, and lets her sort out childcare like hes a single bloke.....she should get rid....seems like shes the one doing all the hard work with the arranging and hes using it as his time out to do as he likes....dont fall out with her.....i feel she may need you when she wises up to the dick shes married to.....he needs a kick up the jacksy!

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 18:48

I've just text her to say that I am doing a long drive tomorrow evening (she didn't know about this), and that I pushed it back as I was looking after her dd. I said that it's no trouble looking after her dd but can she let me know if her dh doesn't go in to work again tomorrow as I can then leave a bit earlier.

I now realise that this will give him another opportunity to lie to us both about his plans. But I also feel like it's a bit of middle ground. Hopefully she realises, from the text, that I'm not happy either.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 18:52

I see friend once a week, we know eachother through our dd. I like her and we get on well. I think she is having trouble with her dh as he doesn't seem to have adjusted to having a child (ther dd is 2 btw).
When she is working and he is home with their dd she often finds out that he has dumped dd with him dm so he can go out and do 'errands'

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/02/2016 18:53

You definitely need to text something like thebiscuitindustry suggests.
You can be nicer about it say:

'Dear Friend, I was happy to look after your DD today until I discovered that your H wasn't actually at work. I get very little child free time and if I'm looking after your DD tomorrow I won't get a chance to go on my much needed run and will need to leave later on a 3 hr trip to my sister than I had planned. Therefore as your DH doesn't appear to be working I'd rather that I didn't take your DD. Love shameful x"

At the end of the day her H might be an arse,but it shouldn't be your problem and if she chooses to fall out with you over this, well then that's her lookout really.

Pseudo341 · 13/02/2016 18:53

Oh hang on, I read the OP wrong, I thought the jogging and the sickie were on the same day. He's done this to you twice now?! Fuck avoiding confrontation, no way would I be doing tomorrow. What an entitled twat!

travellinghopefully12 · 13/02/2016 18:55

Is there any chance her DH was ill, and that's why he didn't work today? If not I'm sorry - just suggesting it x

Pipbin · 13/02/2016 18:57

What an arse. I'd be telling your friend.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 18:58

Not the impression I got travelling he droppd dd off this morning, telling me that he was working. Then came with my friend to pick their dd up. He seemed fine and didn't mention the sickie. It was only when he left to sort bag out that friend told me that she was annoyed as he hadn't been to work.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 13/02/2016 18:59

I thought that your message was very good and I understand why you don't want to let her down.

I wouldn't babysit again though.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 13/02/2016 19:00

I'd cancel but as nicely as possible! I'd probably be quite honest about it with my friend and tell her that I was annoyed about her dh's sicky. I'd also tell her though that things have changed and you want to leave for your sis's early tomorrow. If your pal gives her Dh a b*llocking, slap it up him, it's not your problem!

eddielizzard · 13/02/2016 19:02

you've done the right thing - ask politely if she can pick up earlier. but in future i wouldn't give up child free time again for them.

SharkSkinThing · 13/02/2016 19:02

Can you suggest you can have her DD, but need to leave earlier? Then she just has to find child care for some of the day?

I know it's hard. I often offer to look after friend's kids as DS is an only child and I enjoy it. But it does sound like her DH is using any (female) opportunity to shirk his parental responsibilities.

MudCity · 13/02/2016 19:05

I also think your message is good. You have made your point gently and tactfully.

You have been a good friend by looking after their DD but I think you are right to be clear about your boundaries.

HanYOLO · 13/02/2016 19:07

Fucking hell what a piss-taker

I think you have been very kind to your friend to even think about caring for her kid tomorrow.

I think I would have been rather more frank with her, myself.

travellinghopefully12 · 13/02/2016 19:11

ah OK, sorry shamefulplacemarker

I think I was trying to find plausible explanations in my head, because that level of dickishness is something I hate.

I hope you get your run.

TeddTess · 13/02/2016 19:13

your text was good

do make sure when she asks for help again that you only agree to what suits you. not when you don't have your dc. not when you need to go on a long drive. not when you had planned to go for a run.

people do often think that it is "no bother" to look after "another one" when you've got kids.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 13/02/2016 19:15

I wish I could be more assertive han I just hate letting people down, but hate this feeling of being taken for a mug!

OP posts:
mummytippy · 13/02/2016 19:18

You have been a good friend Shameful but it is not your job to be standing in for the responsibilities of your friend's DH. Flowers

As you said he's been known to 'dump' the child off with the GM to do 'errands'. Your friend needs to have out with her DH and you should not feel obliged - - although I know you do.

You need to put you first, it's a pity you didn't mention your journey tomorrow in the first instance to your friend.
By being kind you have inadvertently made things harder for yourself (and the DH is not being put out at all!).
I would text your friend again tomorrow a couple of hours before you want to leave (saying things have changed as Rookimere suggested) and drop their DD off en-route to your sisters. You'll just be annoyed with yourself and asked to babysit again if you don't.

rookiemere · 13/02/2016 19:22

Well you've got another chance tomorrow.

If it's the H that brings his DD round I would say to him that you're only able to look after her when he's actually working. If he's not working, can he come and pick her up even if it's just for an hour to give you a chance to go out for your run as it's your only child free time all week. Also remind him that you will be leaving early.

In fact you could even be blunter about it - if it's him ask what hours he is actually working, he'll have to say something, and then at that you point you say ok you seem to be free between 11-12, I need my run so I will bring her back to yours then.

shazzarooney99 · 13/02/2016 19:27

I would cancel and i would tell your friend exactly why you are.

HermioneWeasley · 13/02/2016 19:33

His inadequacy as parent is not your problem or responsibility. Your friend needs to sort this out with her "d"H

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 19:34

I wish I could be more assertive han I just hate letting people down, but hate this feeling of being taken for a mug!

Turn this around to help you be assertive:

''I hate letting myself down and being taken for a mug because I need to be more assertive''.

You asked for our opinion (mumsnetters) and the majority are advising you be honest with your friend which will result in you getting what you want. You owe it to yourself Shameful Flowers

facedontfit · 13/02/2016 19:41

Yes, you are being taken for a mug? Been there, got the t-shirt.

Do they ever reciprocate and have your children?

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