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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about gifts for the non birthday child?

55 replies

Madeaminnieme · 13/02/2016 16:54

It's my DS first birthday coming up and I'm taking my 4 year old DD shopping for a gift to give to her wee brother. My husband wants to get something for her too but I've said no because I know the grand parents are doing that and I want her to know that birthdays are special for the birthday child. This all stems from me as a child asking for a gift and getting shot down quite harshly so fear she gets used to it then when it stops, feels more put out.
If the grandparents are doing it (and likely to still spend a fortune on her) AIBU to say no from us? Or is it the done thing?

OP posts:

GabiSolis · 13/02/2016 16:57

This is down to personal choice alone. My parents never did this, but my grandmother did and it was super sweet, didn't spoil us at all.

It's not something you should feel pressured to do or not to do.

Floggingmolly · 13/02/2016 16:58

Of course you're not. I'd tell the grandparents to rein it in too, tbh. Why are they about to spend a fortune on her, on her brother's birthday?
She'll have one of her own at some point this year...

Muskateersmummy · 13/02/2016 17:01

For me, I wouldn't want grandparents or us buying gifts for the non birthday child. It's the birthday child's special day, the other child has to learn and accept that you don't get presents on someone else's birthday.

But it's a personal choice and we only have one so not an issue I face directly!

Oysterbabe · 13/02/2016 17:02

Is this a thing?! I would be buying gifts for birthday child only.

Iggi999 · 13/02/2016 17:03

I make sure there's something in the pass the parcel game that the other child would like. It's harder the other way around - so you'll have your then-two-year old at the five year olds birthday trying to unwrap everything.

Original poster

Madeaminnieme · 13/02/2016 17:03

I've already said I'll see what happens this year and if I feel it's too much then they will be told to rein it in. I was all for her getting a gift when he arrived but do think she needs to know that birthdays are for the birthday child only.
It's just a touchy subject cause I've already had a few "disputes" with the in laws... Lol
Was just starting to wonder if it was me being grumpy lol

OP posts:

NoCapes · 13/02/2016 17:05

tell the grandparents to get a grip!
You get one birthday, you don't get your own and your siblings too
That is utterly ridiculous

originalmavis · 13/02/2016 17:14

I usually do (something small) if the siblings are little. I remember when I was about 3 and a parent gave me a little toy at my big sisters birthday party.

Being the much overlooked youngest child of many I was overjoyed and very surprised to get it. I still remember it well!

Bohemond · 13/02/2016 17:16

My 1 year old got no gifts himself - he didn't know it was his birthday!

dementedpixie · 13/02/2016 17:19

No its not the done thing for a sibling to get a present too

MudCity · 13/02/2016 17:20

Present for the birthday child only. Start as you mean to go on...

I think it is reasonable for you to tell the grandparents that too.

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/02/2016 17:21

Golly no, nip this in the bud if you can. My Sister's MIL bought presents for the birthday child, with presents for her two granddaughters. Her other grandson and my DS were the only ones not to receive anything from her. It didn't matter because it wasn't their birthdays, but they were confused as to why other dc were getting presents on someone else's birthday

WorraLiberty · 13/02/2016 17:23

The grandparents will be 'spending a fortune' on her because it's the baby's birthday?

I can't see how you can really get the message across that birthdays are for the birthday child only.

Postchildrenpregranny · 13/02/2016 17:28

Its a bit like buying your children Valentines day presents (another thread) ????I think children should learn asap that it isn't always about them
Though I do think a new baby bringing a present for an older child (as we did -DD1 was nearly 4 and old enough to 'get it' But she also went to choose DD2 a present from her ) is sweet

Geepee71 · 13/02/2016 17:29

I do this for my nephew and two nieces, the birthday child receives birthday gift (or gifts) and then all three also get either a kinder egg or figurines that are latest fad, like moshi monster or similar, then they all play together.

Helenluvsrob · 13/02/2016 17:32

We did / do this ( though the big 2 are at uni).

As they get older the " ha it's not you birthday " compensatory present has morphed into a small bag of sweets and something they need eg a large bottle of shower gel . When they were smaller it was a cheap " keep you busy and so you leave the birthday child's new stuff alone" gift like a colouring book or story book.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2016 17:32

You are right and DH is wrong. Each child deserves to feel special on their birthday and every child needs to learn that they don't always get something just because someone else does. I put the kibosh on my MiL doing this with my two.

It's very easy to remind a child that they have a birthday too and will be the one getting gifts on their special day.

We had a neighbour when I was growing up who actually expected the guests to bring gifts for both her DDs when we were invited to one of their birthday parties.

SquinkiesRule · 13/02/2016 17:33

Birthday child only here too, otherwise whats the point. What if you had 6 or 8 kids, the amount of stuff would be ridiculous and it wouldn't be a special day for any of them.

ghostyslovesheep · 13/02/2016 17:34

you don't have to do it - it's not law

I don't get to teeth sucky about other peoples choices mind - I have always purchased a small something for the other two to stop them messing with the birthday childs new toys - it's more or less stopped now they are older - it's no biggy really - if you don't it's your choice

Cressandra · 13/02/2016 17:36

Birthday child only. I'd prefer the GPs not to either, but I think my mum used to do this when we were very very young (ie nonverbal 1-2 year old who just didn't understand, and older sibling treated the same for fairness)

FFTransform · 13/02/2016 17:36

My two have birthdays very close and if one is getting something like a new lunchbox they'll both get one to unwrap but that's it and I wouldn't expect anyone else too!

Akire · 13/02/2016 17:38

My grandparents did this for our younger sister 3y younger. We as twins oldest never got anything on her birthday somehow because there was two of us it wasn't unfair....,

CeeceeBloomingdale · 13/02/2016 17:44

My parents did this and I did too when mine were toddlers. Something small though, very own value. I can't remember when I stopped, my youngest is 5 and we haven't done it for at least two years, just the couple of years when they aren't old enough to understand I suppose.

IoraRua · 13/02/2016 17:46

I think you shouldn't do birthday presents for the non birthday child - they do need to learn that sometimes people get presents and they don't, and that is fine.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 13/02/2016 17:47

If the grandparents are doing it it is a bit much to do it too, or the unbirthday child will have exactly as much as the birthday child, and that rather takes away the fact it is one child's birthday - the one single day of the year only about them... I think its rather good for siblings to accept that on one day they don't get equal share of the spotlight, as long as they are secure in the knowledge everyone has one birthday per year and their turn will come.

That said I think what ever you do is OK as long as you don't have different rules for each child - the absolute worst possible way of doing unbirthday presents is only to give smaller sibling/s presents on older child/ren's birthday but tell the older child to put up and shut up that they are "old enough to understand" that younger child's birthday is all about younger child and nothing for older one, but younger child needs something on older child birthday as younger child is eternally "too young" to be expected to cope with not getting a present... As long as you treat both/ all children the same way when it is a sibling's birthday it is fine.

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