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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about gifts for the non birthday child?

55 replies

Madeaminnieme · 13/02/2016 16:54

It's my DS first birthday coming up and I'm taking my 4 year old DD shopping for a gift to give to her wee brother. My husband wants to get something for her too but I've said no because I know the grand parents are doing that and I want her to know that birthdays are special for the birthday child. This all stems from me as a child asking for a gift and getting shot down quite harshly so fear she gets used to it then when it stops, feels more put out.
If the grandparents are doing it (and likely to still spend a fortune on her) AIBU to say no from us? Or is it the done thing?

OP posts:

Mouseinahole · 13/02/2016 17:47

I buy something small for the non birthday child as it is hard for young children to see a sibling open piles of gifts and to have nothing at all.

Pidapie · 13/02/2016 17:48

Not the done thing in my family - it's for the birthday child, not anybody else. But I don't think it's a big problem to do it either :)

Mrscog · 13/02/2016 17:51

I won't be getting DS1 anything on DS2's birthday, however when I was young one set of GPs did always get the non birthday sibling a little something (like a sticker book/box of malteasers - not a main present)
to open and I do remember really liking it!

If it's reined in like that I don't think it does any harm.

rosieliveson1 · 13/02/2016 17:52

It was never really the done thing for our family. Probably because there were 4 of us!
I have two children and don't intend to do this. Although, my youngest has yet to have a birthday so we'll see how the older one manages

3WiseWomen · 13/02/2016 17:54

I didn't want to give something to the non b'day child.
PIL didn't either but my mum did.

Tbh, it actually helped as dc2 was usually very upset to see his db receiving all the attention for the day.
It was very clear that it shouldn't be something usual and he grew out of it by the time he was 7~8yo.

In retrospect, I am very happy my mum did that and wouldn't have been as annoyed as I was at the time.
I still don't think that giving something to the non b'day child is right or should be automatic. But you will know how your dcs are reacting and whether they can cope with it well or not.
I also think that having a small age gap didn't help. Basically, dc2 would have been very happy with the gifts dc1 was getting....

LalaLyra · 13/02/2016 17:55

I think you and your husband should decide together if the non birthday child gets something and that should be relayed to the grandparents also. They shouldn't be deciding to spend a fortune on the non-birthday child if you don't want that.

We did non-birthday presents for a couple of years when our eldest three were little as there is one birthday around Christmas and one in the summer. For the Christmas birthday it felt like the others had lots of presents and new toys (and the birthday child had to wait an age for a present) so we did a small gift for non-birthdays so that they had something to open in the summer.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 13/02/2016 17:58

If they want to get older child something on baby's first birthday, how about getting something for baby that older child might play with too. That's what we did. I would never buy a present for nonbirthday child on anothers birthday.

Junosmum · 13/02/2016 17:59

birthdays are for the birthday person. Birthday person gets presents and only the birthday person.

aprilanne · 13/02/2016 18:01

personally i always bought my other children a small gift say colouring book and pencils or some play dough nothing big .i still do it and my sons are all grown up .now just buy them a bottle of wine or chocolates .they look forward to it .but i know a lot of folk who have never done this each to there own

Katedotness1963 · 13/02/2016 18:03

The first time we were home for one of my brothers kids birthdays was when my niece turned 6. Sil brought out the birthday girls gifts, then a bag full of wrapped things for my nephew (cue icy hand gripping my heart as I tried to work out what I'd forgotten), the another two bags of wrapped gifts for my two kids. I as gobsmacked! Each of the non-birthday kids got about 6 presents each.

yomellamoHelly · 13/02/2016 18:04

My PIL wanted to do this years ago. I said no and am glad in a way that I did as they're much less interested these days and gifts are clearly a chore. So keeps it simple.

fuzzpig · 13/02/2016 18:06

No YANBU I have seen this issue time and time again on MN and I think it's bizarre to give a present to the non-birthday child

TeenAndTween · 13/02/2016 18:07

When the DDs were younger we used to do this. Something very small like a magazine or tiny soft toy, and unwrapped, to keep other DC occupied. Stopped when our younger one was 4 or 5. And only one extra thing, usually from GPs.

hmcAsWas · 13/02/2016 18:07

When mine were small I would buy just one token birthday gift for the non birthday sibling - it can be rather wearing as a 4 year old watching your sibling work their way through a present mountain. We did eventually phase it out when they were older - it can't have been a major trauma to stop it because I can't recall when we did it

Hygellig · 13/02/2016 18:07

I think a token gift would be OK - I would keep it small and low-key for the non-birthday child.

MummySparkle · 13/02/2016 18:07

I wouldn't do anything big for the other child.

It was DS's 3rd birthday last month and we did get DD (20mo) a token gift to unwrap. Mostly because I didn't want her tearing apart all of the other presents! It was a very small cheap set of a plastic saucepan, frying pan and utensils. I think when they're little its a hard concept to grasp and I don't want either of them to feel left out. Once they're older I don't think it will continue, but they will probably get a birthday present that is to play with each other as they are so close in age! I certainly wouldn't spend or want any in-laws to spend a lot of money on an unbirthday present

RB68 · 13/02/2016 18:23

If I was say a visiting Aunty and had a present for the Birthday child I would have something v small for any other children - so pack of felt tips, colouring book, toy car, plastic jewellery or similar - so talking couple of quid - but to me that is Aunty and Grandparent territory rather than birthday territory. But I don't go mad on birthday pressies either £10 ish to 20 max

sodabreadjam · 13/02/2016 18:26

I did this for a few years when my DSs were small - until DS1 said "when it is DS2's birthday, can I get....." and named his preferred gift.

I stopped it then.

PeaStalks · 13/02/2016 18:28

I've always done this. The none birthday child gets a small token (often a joke present) wrapped in plain paper. Still do it now when DC are 17 /19 .
It's a family tradition but I would draw the line at GPs and others buying for the sibling as well.

pilates · 13/02/2016 18:42

YANBU
It's ridiculous.

Lovemylittlebears · 13/02/2016 18:54

I think it's a nice idea for the non birthday child to have a gift to celebrate siblings birthday :) but everyone to their own x

FairiesAreReal · 13/02/2016 18:56

Its a bit like buying your children Valentines day presents (another thread) ????I think children should learn asap that it isn't always about them

This ^
Reminds me of when MIL used to buy my DH Father's Day presents

Nip it in the bud. It's the Birthday child's special day - no-one else's.

Olddear · 13/02/2016 19:05

I have two young great niece/nephew and always buy the non birthday child a small gift and hand it over with little fuss but make a bigger deal of birthday child. They're both still young, so once they're a bit older I'll stop.

FilbertSnood · 13/02/2016 19:20

When I was growing up - right up to being about 30 yrs old, my mum got the two sisters whose birthday it wasn't a small bag of gifts! I've always got very excited about birthdays and I think she used to as well. We do also do this with our children too. It is in no way comparable with what the birthday child gets and is just what we do in our family. Each to their own. Just do what you want to do.

FilbertSnood · 13/02/2016 19:21

I don't remember ever thinking someone else's birthday was in any way about me

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