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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my son too young to come out as gay?

127 replies

Bailey1201 · 11/02/2016 21:17

Name changed.

Okay, so, my son is 11 (in Yr 7) and I have no issue with him being gay, none what so ever and it's the same with DH.

I also don't have a problem with him telling family (despite, my mother and sister will not be happy, but fuck what they think) they will have no choice but to support him.

However, is he too young to label himself as gay at school? I wouldn't be happy with my 11 year old son having a girlfriend, so it isn't that I'm not happy with him liking boys.

I'm just not sure how well he will survive in Secondary School, if he comes out as gay in Yr 7, IYSWIM?

OP posts:
JasperDamerel · 12/02/2016 11:56

I had my first proper, serious, romantic crush (on a fictional character) when I was 9. DD is also 9 and is also clearly attracted to boys rather than girls. I don't see why an 11 year old boy shouldn't be aware that he is attracted to boys.

Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 12:05

I think everyone is missing the point Grin

The OP isn't saying he's too young to know he is gay...

She's asking if it's too young to 'come out' at school (because he'll be there for 5 years!)

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 12:08

I don't think we are missing the point.

But the question of whether he is 'too young' is relevant here.

Not quite sure what's so funny about that, either.

Nataleejah · 12/02/2016 12:11

Well, if judging by that sort of attraction, i always fancied older men (and still do) -- not slightly older schoolboys, but properly older guys. Yup, i had a thing for Bruce Willis when my classmates were drooling over Leonardo di Caprio.

That's why i say let it "sleep" on the idea for at least until proper puberty.

Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 12:11

No one is laughing? I just think people are. Yes, 'too young' to 'come out' at school, not to be gay!

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 12:14

You seemed to think there was something to grin about.

Why is it too young to come out at school? And how precisely is someone meant to feel comfortable in themselves, if their parents tell them to keep it secret?

If he wants not to come out - fine. But if his parents tell him he's too young to say it at school, that is making a judgement they wouldn't make if he were straight, and it's homophobic. Not intentionally unkind, but not right either.

Nataleejah · 12/02/2016 12:19

Why is it too young to come out at school? And how precisely is someone meant to feel comfortable in themselves, if their parents tell them to keep it secret?
Its not secret. Its personal. Why does everything have to be announced at school? If he's truly gay, things will come out pretty naturally. This generation doesn't find it shameful after all

Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 12:21

I don't suggest the OP tells her DS to keep it a secret... If you read my post, I never suggested that. I'm just saying that everyone keeps telling the OP how he isn't too young to know he is gay, when she clearly didn't ask that! It is most certainly not homophobic, what the OP is saying, she clearly states her and her DH are absolutely fine with it, but are trying to make him have the best life at school as possible, like any mum would

Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 12:22

Kids seem to think they have to 'come out' and they don't, it's none of anyone's business who they fancy.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 12:31

nat, I'm not sure that's true.

walshie - oh, come on, how is asking if he should come out at school not related to 1) keeping it secret and 2) whether or not he's too young?

You're not reading what's there.

I'm not saying she's not a good mum. I just think she maybe doesn't feel sure what the best thing to do is - no doubt that is why she posted - and I think it's fair to put a case that encouraging him not to come out at school might make him feel it was shameful and/or something to keep secret.

The whole rhetoric of 'it's personal' and 'don't ask, don't tell' is a damaging one, in my view. It's ridiculous to pretend we don't all know that heterosexuality is normative: everyone assumes a person is straight until they discover otherwise. So the question of coming out is something you have to navigate - you can't just ignore it or brush it away, and that's true even if the son decides he doesn't want to say anything at school. It's not a conversation that can just be ignored.

Nataleejah · 12/02/2016 13:11

Would be completely different thing if he was 15-16. Now we're talking about a child of 11. He should be thinking about Minecraft, not sexuality.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 13:22

But it's about the average age for men to reckon they 'knew'. So what's wrong with it?

I slightly wonder if some people on this thread think of 'sexuality' as being a synonym for 'sex' and assume it's all about that? Why couldn't it be just him figuring out the (huge amount of) other things that go it?

LauraMipsum · 12/02/2016 13:34

I genuinely don't know. I was in a similar position to Jeanne in that everyone (not just my parents!) told me I was far too young to know, at EIGHTEEN, and that it was just a phase, and that all women are a bit bisexual, and I was just trying to be fashionable / cool.

And I thought they might be right, because I knew I was very socially naive anyway (currently being assessed for ASD).

And you don't need the details but I ended up with poor relationship choices and a lot of confusion and guilt. I wouldn't recommend it.

However..... sexuality is fluid. A lot of the people I knew at uni from the LGB group are now straight. And vice versa. And at least one of those people feels like she's let the gay side down by going over to the heterosexuals and has said there was pressure on her not to (nb she is not a bisexual who is now in an opposite sex relationship, she is someone who identified as a lesbian then and now as wholly heterosexual). I think that once you label your sexuality, it follows you, and adolescents need the benefit of that fluidity.

So at eleven I'm not sure it's a great idea to have some huge public coming out. What matters now is family support and that's what he's getting, so brilliant.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 13:42

I would say that, like homophobic bullying, the idea of your sexuality 'following you' is a problem created by society.

But I know that doesn't mean it's unimportant and I can understand the OP not wanting her son to suffer because society should be accepting, but isn't. So, likewise ... not sure.

samG76 · 12/02/2016 13:48

I'm with Lauramipsum. I was at a +20 year school reunion a couple of years ago. Almost all of those who had "come out" are now settled down with heterosexual partners and kids, while others turned out to be gay. Thank goodness no FB or social media at the time.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 13:50

But why 'thank goodness'?

Is it really that shameful - and should it be?

LauraMipsum · 12/02/2016 13:58

It shouldn't be shameful in the least to have explored sexuality, whether that's a bit of experimentation or long periods of fluidity.

Having said that I'm glad that there was no social media to document my hideous failures at heterosexuality! - but that's not because I feel I should be ashamed of having had opposite sex relationships, but because I'm ashamed that I felt I had to.

And actually sam that's the kind of attitude I feared when I did finally come out - what if it did turn out to be a phase, in 20 years time would I always be "that girl who had the gay phase" - and I guess your post confirms that I was right to be afraid of it, because people would judge.

SaucyJack · 12/02/2016 14:35

Agree with that Jasper.

DD1 is (almost) 11and generally spends her time playing withLego and Monster High. But if we ever watch Marvel or LOTR films, she gets noticeably cheery when Chris Hemsworth or Orlando come on screen. She has an eye for tall blond dudes already.

I don't see why it would be any different if she preferred girls or was a boy.

samG76 · 12/02/2016 14:43

Laura - it's not a matter of judging. Some things are rightfully in the past and should stay there. Especially from school. Didn't friendsreunited end up causing loads of marriages to break down?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 12/02/2016 14:43

Given that the SRS curriculum and PSHE agendas all encourage DCs as young as 11 to consider their future - what their family might look like and what they'd expect from relationship - I think it's perfectly natural for a DC of this age to be considering their sexuality.

Twinklestein · 12/02/2016 17:08

The question is not whether DS is too young to know he's gay but whether he's too young to 'come out'.

I don't think any child of 11 should feel like they have to make announcements about their sexuality - gay, straight, bi - whatever. Sexuality is no-one's business, and it's particularly no-one's business when you're 11.

VikingLady · 12/02/2016 17:15

Although my secondary school had appalling homophobic bullying (though largely verbal), one boy in Yr 9 came out because it was just too hard to pretend to fancy girls and join in the general conversation. He said it was a relief to have it out I. The open.

He also said the openly homophobic comments were s damn sight easier to handle than the constant sly digs from from lads who thought he might be gay. In these days when schools treat bullying more seriously, openly homophobic bullying can be reported and dealt with.

kawliga · 12/02/2016 17:15

The thread became a bit sidetracked by a poster who said she knew she was straight when she was 4. So I think the discussion about being too young to know your sexual orientation is about that, not about the OP's son who is 11 and already knows who he is. 11 is very different from 4.

kawliga · 12/02/2016 17:16

Sorry, I didn't mean 'sidetracked by a poster' I meant 'sidetracked by people responding to a post'.

ClarenceTheLion · 12/02/2016 17:20

What is his school like, and his classmates? Is anyone else openly gay in his school, or in the school he'll move into?

Ultimately if he wants to come out, you should support him with that, but I'd speak to the school so they can keep an eye on how things are going with his classmates.

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