AIBU or is my son too young to come out as gay?

[Bailey1201]

Name changed.

Okay, so, my son is 11 (in Yr 7) and I have no issue with him being gay, none what so ever and it's the same with DH.

I also don't have a problem with him telling family (despite, my mother and sister will not be happy, but fuck what they think) they will have no choice but to support him.

However, is he too young to label himself as gay at school? I wouldn't be happy with my 11 year old son having a girlfriend, so it isn't that I'm not happy with him liking boys.

I'm just not sure how well he will survive in Secondary School, if he comes out as gay in Yr 7, IYSWIM?

That should have read "Not everyone was as open as they though they would be"

I dont think it is too young. I have friends who knew they were gay from a young age.

However i would have a little talk to him about things changing, and coming out as gay now doesnt mean he might not be attracted to girls/a girl at some point, and he shouldnt feel he cant explore those feelings because he's told everyone he's gay.

Maybe he should think about whether he wants to make a big coming out statement, or just let people know if the subject comes up..

No advice but just to say you sound like really great supportive parents, he's very lucky.

However, is he too young to label himself as gay at school?

A crucial question is why are YOU asking this question NOW - IE, has he expressed a desire to make a statement to all or are you asking pre-emptively IYKWIM?

If it's the former then you simply support him. Guide him towards Stonewall's website which is laden with advice for children who know they are gay; likewise sources of support.

DS1 (now in early twenties) is gay and just always 'was' gay IYKWIM; aas in, there was never any closet for him to have come from as we just knew he was - and that was just fine. My efforts went into subtly and consistently ensuring he knew how very normal being gay is (c.20% of teens are LGBT) and I'm talking from age 6/7 upwards. IE if a colleague was round and happened to be gay, I'd mention to DS that 'colleague and colleague's boyfriend are off to XY on holiday, that kind of thing.

As per home, I think at primary school all his mates knew he was gay and it was genuinely never ever an issue, nor when he moved up to secondary school with that same cohort of pupils. The only time it became an issue was when he needed to change schools (we had to relocate due to work) but even then, the reality is he was bullied as the school were shit at managing bullying issues etc - is a PP mentioned, he could just as easily have been bullied for being ginger or just bloody breathing if some little oik wants to be a bully. We managed to get it resolved but it was a pretty shit time so if he is moving to secondary school with the same group he is with now, then tbh I think now is the best possible time - ESP if (& it gets back to that crucial question at top of my post) it is him that has raised the topic of sharing it with people.

Don't know. I think I'd feel quite indifferent about him saying something like that. Don't think I'd take it as fact either though. Might be true, might not.

As long as he isn't having any kind of sexual contact with anyone, he can say what he likes. Any bullying is a separate issue but he certainly shouldn't have of keep quite about something like this for fear of being bullied.

I'd tell him that it's nothing to be ashamed of and you love and respect him - but some children (because that's what they are) are very immature and could make trying to concentrate on studying difficult.

You only have to have the wrong colour hair in school to be bullied over it. Professing any sexuality is basically giving them a green light.

I used to teach sports and there were a few kids people suspected - they did get stick from time to time but it would be less in comparison to actually coming out.

Just get him to hang on with the big announcement. It really isn't relevant to school

One other thing, it is literally impossible to describe how much the girls just loved him! Literally, he was surrounded by them and he in turn adored then but there was never ever EVER any hint of him liking them in a 'fancying' way; his sexuality was not fluid and it was just who he was - I may have handled things differently if I didn't KNOW know it truly was who he was IYKWIM but I just did, and from as early as I can remember TBH.

BTW, I suggest you go to Stonewalls site and buy yourself one of their fab T-shirts with 'Some girls like girls, get over it' written on them - I would have SNAPPED one up if they'd been available when he was younger

So it's a question of WHO has raised this question - him or you? - and is he very very VERY definitely gay, as opposed to being in a state of some fluidity about it?

My younger brother has known he liked boys rather than girls for a long long time. All through secondary school he was bullied relentlessly and told "You're gay", and the more he denied it, the more he was picked on.

Last year, at the start of Year 11, he came out. Since then, he hasn't been bullied. Occasionally some smartarse will say "Ha, you're gay" and he gives them a withering look, says "Um, yeah, everyone knows I am..." and shuts the smartarse down straight away. He's got a lovely group of friends who love him for who he is, and he feels that things have gotten infinitely better for him since he came out.

I do think 11 is too young.

I would encourage him to enjoy this process of deciding who he is going to be.

11 is too soon for labels. Labels will complicate the issue, and who needs them? I mean - even as an adult?

Maybe tell him you will massively support him - whatever he ultimately decides - but you don't want to label him just yet?

You wouldn't want him to have a girlfriend.

All fine.

But he isn't saying he has a boyfriend, is he?

He's just saying he's gay.

Well I am going against the general feel of the thread, as yes, I do feel it is too young. I feel it is too young to "come out" as anything, gay or straight. How is sex even on the agenda at 11? I too, have friends who say they "always knew" they were gay. I also have friends who thought they fancied someone of the opposite sex but are straight. Friends who were confused for years, friends who felt straight but then decided maybe they were gay. Friends who "always knew" that they were straight. 11 is really young to decide anything about oneself, and I would be concerned that making a statement in either direction leaves less wriggle room later. I don't see how an 11 year old knows what it is to have a sexual relationship with anyone, and I do think that puberty can throw up all sorts of feelings which can be confused and confusing. It is common in single sex schools for instance, to have crushes, just because as that age you need someone, anyone, to have a crush on. The vast majority of those children will end up straight. I think it is always good to leave doors open for as long as possible. See who he really falls in love with, when he falls in love, that is a better test than vague feelings at 11. All an 11 year old needs to know is that whatever his sexual orientation later, he is loved and supported by his parents, and it is clear that he has that in spades.

I knew I fancied girls as well as boys at 11. However this was over 20 years ago, and I didn't have the language to express who I was and how I felt.
It's great that kids are more aware now, and open about it.
I would have been terrified to mention fancying girls at school, but my DSD tells me that there are loads of out kids at her school, and no one bats an eye, which is a fantastic leap forward imo.

Others pp's have had some excellent advice.

I would add, let him explore himself without restriction or judgement, or limits on how he deals with how he feels. He may feel differently later, but I didn't, and I have always appreciated the space and ear my DM gave me when I was exploring these feelings, and in helping me understand them.

SirVix 'How is sex even on the agenda at 11?'

Eh? I don't see 'sex' as being an agenda at 11 and nor do I see it as an agenda in this thread or anywhere in OP's post nor in any answers!

It's not about 'sex', it's about identity and then a feeling of being at ease with that identity. As for '11 is really young to decide anything about oneself' I think I can say with some certainty that DS1 didn't 'decide' to be gay any more than his brothers 'decided to be straight'

It gets back to that question of where has this come from? If it has come from him and his simply wanting to not hide who he - and fully knowing who and what he is - is then of course he sould be able to freely do so and it's got jack to do with 'sex being on the agenda at 11...'

You only have to have the wrong colour hair in school to be bullied over it. Professing any sexuality is basically giving them a green light

Nothing anyone ever says or does gives a "green light" to bully. You are effectively saying it is the victims fault, not the bully's. In other words "they were asking for it".

It also suggests changing or modifying your behaviour will stop the bullies. It wont. The only way they'll stop is if they stop, or someone stops them.

This is not about sex, OP, but about sexual orientation. You say you wouldn't want him having a girlfriend either, but has he told you he wants to be sexually active? If not, the equivalent would not be having a girlfriend, but telling you that he hopes to one day marry a nice girl and have children? If he did, would you tell him he was too young to make a decision about his sexual orientation?

Of course he might in time decide he's heterosexual after all. (Though an awful lot of gay men do know their sexual orientation at a very young age - they seem a lot less fluid than women.) And so what? None of us have a crystal ball, but it doesn't stop most of us making statements about our sexual orientation from our early teens, if not earlier. It's a good thing, surely, to experiment with different kinds of relationships?

I do understand your fear of bullying. I am lesbian, and have been very tempted at times to ask the children not to talk about our family set-up in certain settings. But you can't ask children to treat their identity, or their family, as a dirty little secret. You just can't - it is too damaging, even if done from a place of love.

Do try talking to FFLAG (Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays) - they're very good. And best of luck to you and your son.

So when is the right age to be honest with yourself and your peers about a fundamental part of your identity? 12? 18? 20s? 40s? Or should we not just say it at all in case it pisses someone off?

He knows himself.

You wouldn't question someone for being straight aged 11, so why is any other option something that should be hushed up?

I would add, let him explore himself without restriction or judgement, or limits on how he deals with how he feels

Oh no, I would actually put very firm limits in place at his age. As I said up thread, as long as he isn't having any kind of sexual contact with anyone, everything's fine. I'm sure acting on those feelings isn't what you meant by 'explore' bad but just for clarity

I think your son has probably known for a long time he is gay. Most people do. I knew I was straight when I was 4 - if anyone had asked me that is.

I think you are in a hard spot OP. because you want to assure him that being gay is fine, normal, nothing to be ashamed of, but you also want to protect him from any unevolved kids out there.

I had a similar situation with my dd when she was a bit older (13). She was diagnosed with depression. I felt she should not tell some friends this but found myself unable to tell her there is nothing wrong with being depressed (which was my main message) but you shouldn't tell people. So tried to have a conversation with her about people who respect your privacy and people who don't etc. She still told her friend who later threw it back at her spectacularly (I'm going to tell everyone you are a psycho")

I still think we were right not to stigmatise her disease but it was rough for her.

Also - the whole "don't say anything in case it leads to bullying" attitude is absolute bollocks. That's complete victim blaming. Kids get bullied for wearing glasses, having ginger hair, and being short as well. Should they all get contacts, dye their hair and wear stilts so as not to provoke bullies?

One of my school friends (female) came out as a lesbian in year 8. She was very open about it, told teachers, her elderly grandparents - she even tried to get out of sex ed by saying she'd never have to worry about getting pregnant! She had girlfriends throughout our time in high school and was sexually active within her relationships. There was a little bit of... Surprise I think, maybe some unease, maybe some scandalised curiosity if you know what I mean, but certainly no bullying, which is heartening.

By Year 11 I know that she regretted being so open about her sexuality. She started to fancy boys too and felt really embarrassed about it being seen as a 'phase'. I think she just wished she'd kept her business a little more private.

At 25 she identifies as bisexual, but all of her major relationships have been with men.

I think after seeing her experience, my advice to your son would be to express himself and do what feels right, but avoid making any big declarations - we all change in so many ways as we grow up, and the child he was at 11 might be unrecognisable to the young man he is at 17. And I think I would say that about other 'labels' too, not just gay and straight.

"I knew I was straight when I was 4"

How did you even know what sexuality is at the age of 4, let alone which sex you are attracted to?

Maybe it's just me but "Year 7/8/ whatever" is the English school system. I never have any idea what age posters mean if they only refer to "Year 7".

The OP gave age as well but several other posters are just giving years.

Sorry Lass I'm guilty of that - my friend was 13 when she came out.

I don't think 11 is too young to know one is gay and 13 definitely isn't.

Thinking back I recall being silly and giggly about boys at around 11/12.