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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my son too young to come out as gay?

127 replies

Bailey1201 · 11/02/2016 21:17

Name changed.

Okay, so, my son is 11 (in Yr 7) and I have no issue with him being gay, none what so ever and it's the same with DH.

I also don't have a problem with him telling family (despite, my mother and sister will not be happy, but fuck what they think) they will have no choice but to support him.

However, is he too young to label himself as gay at school? I wouldn't be happy with my 11 year old son having a girlfriend, so it isn't that I'm not happy with him liking boys.

I'm just not sure how well he will survive in Secondary School, if he comes out as gay in Yr 7, IYSWIM?

OP posts:
araiba · 12/02/2016 07:16

loads of kids in yr 7 (12years old) at my school are out as gay- boys and girls- noone gives a toss.

some of them are quite "flamboyantly" gay and i guess they were like this at their previous school too..

I think that the OP should let him decide what he wants to do and make sure that he knows that you will help and support him whatever he does but that he should really talk to you before he does anything dramatic like telling his school mates so that you can help him prepare for what will be a life changing experience

NigellaIaint · 12/02/2016 07:33

What I think is sad is regardless of orientation the need to discuss who they are sleeping with. Is nothing private anymore?

PP have said about a girl talking about the girls she slept with and the boy with his "conquests".

I think parents should be teaching the children to keep info to themselves rather than tell all their private life to teachers, classmates and grandparents.

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona · 12/02/2016 07:36

He isn't saying he wants to have a sexual relationship now though, is he? Just that he wants to be able to openly acknowledge that he likes boys in the same way that a straight girl could at 11 years old.

cote I do think it's possible to be aware of your own sexuality as young as 4.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 12/02/2016 07:46

I think parents should be teaching the children to keep info to themselves rather than tell all their private life to teachers, classmates and grandparents.

The openness regarding relationships and sex amongst young people has made it 'easier' for professionals to identify potential grooming and/or abuse situations, in my experience.
I wouldn't want to return to a culture where it wasn't talked about.

HamaTime · 12/02/2016 07:49

I was gay at 11, but I was bisexual at 19. Even though I 'changed my mind' I don't think it's too young to know.

For some reason if my ds in Y7 declared himself gay I would be more inclined to believe him than if he declared himself straight. Maybe it's because he's very conformist and more likely to say he is straight if he isn't that say he is gay if he isn't. I don't think it's true that everyone would accept a child's declaration of straightness at that age as set in stone.

Clearoutre · 12/02/2016 07:58

Hi OP, has he expressed that he actively wants to come out to family/school?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 12/02/2016 08:42

OP I hope this isn't the wrong thing to say, or clumsily worded but to play devils advocate is there any benefit in coming out at all? Is sexuality relevant at age 11? Surely there are no sexual relationships at that age anyway.

I wonder if your son knows there is the option to say nothing at all, or not look for a label. With so many people in the public eye (pop stars, sports people) etc making an announcement when coming,out I wonder if he thinks this absolutely has to be done?

All the best to you and your son with this. It sounds like you have a great relationship by the way.

Marquand · 12/02/2016 08:42

Is it a question of identity, or a question of there being a boy that he has a crush on?

They are two completely different things. If it is a question of his identity, I don't think it is too young at all. And there are a million ways to guide him, and ask him questions. How does he know? Since when did he know? Is he sure? Etc etc. I also think it is important that he is very sure about being gay, and confident in himself about it, before declaring it to world. There are a lot of internal conflict that he might have to deal with first, before having to deal with the world's judgement on him.

If it is a because he wants a boyfriend, then there are both issues of identity, and the issues associated with first crushes, which also open up a world of discussions.

He is at a very young and vulnerable age - give him love and support, and help him to navigate the very real obstacles of the real world with us much understanding as possible. And that is not only you understanding him, but also to him understanding his own feelings. Help him make sense of the confusion he might be feeling.

Good luck! It cannot be easy.

Nataleejah · 12/02/2016 09:08

Feeling, knowing (?) for yourself is one thing, "coming out" in public is (should be) completely irrelevant at that age.
Of course you have best friends of same sex, and the opposite sex feels awkward or not interesting at that age. Doesn't mean that friendships need to come with sexual strings attached.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/02/2016 09:13

I think just support, support, support whatever he wants to do and say about himself.
You could look on it that he's already settled into new school in Y7 and begun to make friends? Hopefully those friends will take it all in their stride - I think things are getting much better all the time.
I would think exactly when he talks to his friends about it will really make little difference age/year wise. More important that he feels he has your support to do so. Some friendships may change slightly - as he finds out who the really good guys are - but that's OK too.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/02/2016 09:17

Oh and I saw some interesting stats somewhere that only around half of young people apparently identify as straight these days. Seems to be much more fluidity now, with many identifying as bi (and why not?!), also those identifying as gay of course.

Nataleejah · 12/02/2016 09:23

I always wonder who pays for those statistics and who are they sampling

DelphiBlue · 12/02/2016 09:38

At my school, everybody 'suspected' my friend was gay right from the start. He did suffer some bullying, until he actually came out. Then nobody really cared.

Kids tend to pick on hidden insecurities I find.

SoupDragon · 12/02/2016 09:57

How about the homophobic bullies get dealt with instead?

Well, obviously, but I think a person still needs to be prepared to handle it and have coping strategies in place because the bullies won't be dealt with before any bullying starts will they?

Art · 12/02/2016 10:15

Hi - My DS (yr 10) happens to be home today so I asked him. His first response was 'good for him!'
He has several friends who have come out since starting high school. He says they all talk about it openly and in his experience no one has suffered bullying because of it. It seems a natural part of growing up for this generation, they are taught about gender identity in class now and its all over the media, so for them it doesn't seem a big deal. I hope your DS has the same experience.
In terms of relationships, they seemed fairly innocent in year 7- someone you liked and wanted to spend time with, hanging out, going to the cinema and a bit of messaging on social media and boyfriends/girlfriends seemed to change fairly frequently.

CoteDAzur · 12/02/2016 10:43

" I do think it's possible to be aware of your own sexuality as young as 4."

On the contrary, it would be worrying if a 4-year-old even understood sexuality as a concept, let alone have an idea of themselves as a sexual being.

A child wanting to be kissed by a prince just like that princess in a Disney movie is just a child projecting herself into a scene that looks lovely and wonderful. She is not sexually aroused by that scene.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 11:17

Sorry, I have not read the full thread.

But please consider letting him 'come out' if that is what he wants to do. Please consider not telling him he's 'too young to know'.

I 'knew' when I was in my early teens (and statistically, women know later than men, and men tend to say they knew around 10 or 11). I came out to my parents when I was 15. They told me I was far too young to know, and I must not come out, because I would be bullied and might change my mind.

And it was a really shitty thing for them to do. They meant well, and this was years ago, but it was. It made me feel as if I couldn't know myself, and it put me off trying to date women later on, because I assumed it wouldn't be welcome.

My dad was quite relieved when I got a boyfriend aged 18 and very happy when I got married at 25.

Two years ago I left my husband. I met my partner last year. She's amazing, but I am pretty angry that my parents made me doubt myself so much, and gave me the impression someone like me obviously wasn't gay and wasn't allowed to find out for herself.

Please don't do the same to him. It's horrible. You may think it doesn't matter and it's just a kindly thing to tell him he's too young to know - but what's the worst thing that could happen? He could change his mind? Shock horror. OTOH if you make him doubt himself and feel he's not allowed to confide in you or to come out, you could waste an awful lot of his life while he puts the pieces back together.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 11:19

This is, obviously, a US site, but provides some back up for the idea that a child of 11 might be perfectly normal in knowing he's gay at that age. Yes, it's partisan, but I don't think the links are.

borngay.procon.org/view.answers.php?questionID=000014

CoteDAzur · 12/02/2016 11:27

Jeanne - I think OP is clear that she & her DH would be very supportive and not at all against her DS being gay or coming out to family members.

Her concern is about the possible social ramifications of an 11-year-old coming out as gay to everyone at school.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 12/02/2016 11:28

DD has come out this week- same age- to her immediate family

she doesn't want to come out at school yet though (I asked her) 'in case I'm just bi, cos they'll all take the piss'

I'm so happy that she's taking this sort of matter of fact approach, and more proud of her than I can say

I can't help but reflect on my own background (working class, industrial area. Extremely intolerant). My best boy friend was gay, and couldn't tell anyone. He had to leave home. It was utterly miserable for him. I'm so glad things are changing, though I know there's a long long way to go.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 11:28

I know that, cote.

What I am trying to explain - perhaps not very well - is that I really hope she reconsiders that.

It could, potentially, be very upsetting. I know my parents thought they were doing the right thing in telling me not to come out at school (bit late, actually). All I took away from it was their 'reasons': that I might get bullied, and that I might be too young to know for sure.

And it really, really did not help.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/02/2016 11:30

If the son doesn't want to come out at school, obviously that is fine, and different.

But I very strongly believe it's wrong to put any pressure at all on a child not to tell people they're gay.

Jessesbitch · 12/02/2016 11:35

My DS is in Y8 and he has just started seeing a boy from school. He hasnt 'come out'. We have always thought he was gay. I think people shouldn't feel the need to come out as you wouldn't come out as straight. And all relationships are embarrassing at that age. We found out about the boyfriend from finding sexting messages. We had a little talk about that but we didnt pass comment re it being a boy.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 12/02/2016 11:36

*If the son doesn't want to come out at school, obviously that is fine, and different.

But I very strongly believe it's wrong to put any pressure at all on a child not to tell people they're gay*

THIS

Walshie123 · 12/02/2016 11:42

Just let him decide... I would tell him/let him know that he doesn't need to 'come out' - he's no different to someone who identifies as straight and they wouldn't come out!