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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is my son too young to come out as gay?

127 replies

Bailey1201 · 11/02/2016 21:17

Name changed.

Okay, so, my son is 11 (in Yr 7) and I have no issue with him being gay, none what so ever and it's the same with DH.

I also don't have a problem with him telling family (despite, my mother and sister will not be happy, but fuck what they think) they will have no choice but to support him.

However, is he too young to label himself as gay at school? I wouldn't be happy with my 11 year old son having a girlfriend, so it isn't that I'm not happy with him liking boys.

I'm just not sure how well he will survive in Secondary School, if he comes out as gay in Yr 7, IYSWIM?

OP posts:

FuckOffDavid · 11/02/2016 23:16

My wee brother "came out" at 11. He wasn't bullied, he actually had a lotbof support from his teacher and class mates.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 11/02/2016 23:26

I'm a secondary school teacher. I've never seen bullying of an 'out' student. If a pupil is open about their sexuality the other kids seem happier with it. I've also never seen anyone take issue with pupils who decide later that they're not gay - it happens! I hope that reassures you a little.

Twinklestein · 11/02/2016 23:29

A friend of mine was gay until he was early 20s and then decided he was straight. My next door neighbour was married for 20 years before he decided he was gay.

I would encourage your son to understand it's absolutely fine to know you're gay from a young age, but equally there's no need to feel like you have to label yourself. He's got bags of time to experiment and decide.

UnhappyNeedHelp · 11/02/2016 23:34

Oh, I don't think it's too young to know - at all. I do think she found it harder as she got older though. Having 'labelled' herself (as she describes it) so young. Sexuality is so fluid for lots of people.

It's odd though, isn't it - kids 'label' themselves as gay, but not as straight. I hadn't thought of it like that.

Canyouforgiveher · 11/02/2016 23:35

*"I knew I was straight when I was 4"

How did you even know what sexuality is at the age of 4, let alone which sex you are attracted to*

Well it isn't documented because no one (rightly) asked me but my sexual orientation is a fairly fundamental part of my being and I knew I thought about being a princess in a story with a handsome prince rescuing her or whatever (given the quality of stories available) rather than wishing I was a rescuing the princess and kissing her myself.

I also don't think sexual preference is linked to knowing about/wanting sex. You can know which gender you are attracted to before ever wanting to attract anyone.

There is a fascinating book called When I Knew which has gay people saying when they knew they were gay and many many people knew as early as 4 or 5. I think most straight people know too but because it is the norm they don't think of it as "knowing" just as "being themselves"

BuggersMuddle · 11/02/2016 23:36

Well I had two friends who I damn well knew were gay at 11/12, but who came out much later. Some had gone through attempting heterosexual relationships and in one instance banging on about sexual conquests (because that's what they were) before actually admitting it. I'm glad things have changed because from conversations I genuinely think my friends were scared in the 90s. I was also silly and giggly about boys in first year at secondary school.

I can't really give parenting advice as I'm not a parent. I think it's entirely fair to ask if he wants to give it a label at school (maybe hold off for a few months because hormones?). To be clear I'm not suggesting he ought to hide his sexuality if he's certain and wants to share it.

Twinklestein · 11/02/2016 23:38

Also sexuality is fluid and you don't know that when you're 11. Children tend to think in quite black and white terms. Popular culture encourages that with stark stereotypes, hyper masculinity and femininity, and 'pink and blue' thinking.

So I'd say don't feel like you have to wear a hat and make an announcement because it's no-one's business but yours.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 11/02/2016 23:51

I work with DCs aged between 11-19 and, like a pp, I've never seen bullying related to sexuality - in fact, it is one of the few issues they are united in their open acceptance of (hair colour and street address are far more contentious issues!)

I accept that the level of acceptance probably varies between schools/areas - but the fact that he has told you suggests to me that he has probably already discussed it with friends. The conversations I hear between the young people I work with are often about 'how' and 'when' they should tell their parents.

If the preteens/teens in your DS school are as accepting as the ones I work with then he is very unlikely to experience prejudice or bullying due to his sexuality - including fluidity - which is accepted as a matter of course in the groups I work with.

shazzarooney99 · 11/02/2016 23:53

Hmmmmm i personally think that age is way tro young to come out with a statement like im gay to be honest, i mean how does he know this? i mean he may do, but he maybe wrong.

Original poster

Bailey1201 · 11/02/2016 23:56

He hasn't spoken to his friends :)

He said that he wanted us to know first (as we are really open about things like this) and he wanted advice on how to tell his classmates

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 12/02/2016 00:26

Hmmmmm i personally think that age is way tro young to come out with a statement like im gay to be honest, i mean how does he know this? i mean he may do, but he maybe wrong.

On one level I agree with you - why come out as different before you need to.

But on the other - if an 11 year old told you he was heterosexual, would you really say to him "how do you know this, maybe you're wrong?"

you wouldn't. You would accept his statement because it fits with the norm.

kawliga · 12/02/2016 00:55

Wanting to be kissed by the handsome prince from the fairy tales when you're aged 4 has fuck all to do with sexual orientation or knowing that you're straight. Lots of kids want to be Bambi, or Stuart Little, or Paddington Bear, or any other hero/heroine of a lovely story.

My dd wanted to be rescued by the handsome prince when she watched Cinderella, but she wanted to be the one doing the rescuing when she watched Mulan. This has nothing to do with how she identifies. She still wants to be Stuart Little, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't identify as a mouse.

VerticalCheese · 12/02/2016 01:02

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I don't think the OP is asking if her son is gay or not? I read it as her asking if he is too young to TELL other kids his age he is gay, as she fears bullying all though secondary school! I think some posts have been a little harsh..

Can you clarify OP?

Baiiley1201 · 12/02/2016 01:10

VerticalCheese - you are correct

i tried the name change feature and it wouldn't let me go back to my old name, sorry!

Canyouforgiveher · 12/02/2016 01:50

Wanting to be kissed by the handsome prince from the fairy tales when you're aged 4 has fuck all to do with sexual orientation or knowing that you're straight.

In your world. In my world it did. i was answering a question about how I knew i was straight age 4 and gave examples.

It is beyond tedious to have people tell you your actual experience isn't real. Fuck off with that.

bbpp · 12/02/2016 02:07

I don't think he's too young, no.

I can remember at school there were boys who were camp, or people suspected they were gay. They got quite a lot of teasing and jokes at their expense. One was referred to as 'gay (name)' every time he was mentioned. This started in year 7.

There was also a boy who came out as gay in year 7. This was a pretty traditional town, not very progressive, and he didn't get any teasing or bullying as far as I'm aware. People would do it when it could possibly be a joke, but when they knew they were actually gay it was a step too far to make fun.

Some of the boys who were teased about being gay came out by year 9,10 or 11 and as soon as they did any teasing or comments stopped.

I think it's better to be honest.

AddyLane · 12/02/2016 06:26

You should never out your son against his will. Don't tell other people about it, don't make it a huge deal. When he feels confident, he will tell others about it.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 12/02/2016 06:37

I knew well before I started secondary school.

When I finally came out to my (het) dad, he told me it was ok, but it would also be ok if I later decided I was straight after all. He meant well, absolutely, but it was IMO a fucking stupid thing to say, because it implied I might not know what I was talking about.

Sure, some people do change their mind, to varying degrees and at any age - but most don't, and I really feel it's spectacularly unhelpful to tell a child who in that moment is sure they are gay that they might not know what they're talking about. Save that reassurance til it's necessary.

nooka · 12/02/2016 06:49

My dd is bisexual, which is a bit more complicated I guess. We had the same dilemma about what advice to give to her re school and friends at around the same age. She's always known that we were 100% behind her, and her big brother too. However there was a fair bit of homophobia 'you're a lezza/you're so gay' stuff at her school and so we told her that she didn't need to tell anyone, and that she should take her time figuring out how she felt. and what (if anything) she wanted to say to others.

She's 15 now and pretty open about her feelings and has no problem with telling people where to go if they have an issue with it. I think she started telling her friends a couple of years ago, and now pretty much assumes that people will guess as she's fairly open about fancying girls and guys. In practice it's not been an issue at all. But back when she was 11/12 it might have been because it was a year when the girls were particularly nasty to each other (end of primary and her big brother had just moved up to high school).

Nataleejah · 12/02/2016 06:54

Way too young.
The popular culture now glamourises gay. It sends wrong message to children way too young to even think about those things.
If he "had a girlfriend" i'd assume they're very good friends.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/02/2016 06:56

All of my gay friends knew they were gay at this age . If not younger !

I think this is a topic where people's prejudices and fears will come to the fore and you are better reading for advice from qualified sources online TBH

Duckdeamon · 12/02/2016 06:57

Lots of homophobia on this thread. jeez.

bettyberry · 12/02/2016 06:58

I'd wait. Purely because he has only just shared the news with you as a family.

I'd want time to get myself prepared for the potential bullying, homophobia etc that may (and hopefully wont!) come not just in school but out of school.

I've witnessed vicious homophobia first hand, some of it recently, and feel you as a parent need to be fully armed to deal with it before he shares his news within school. Its not just his friends who will know, its their parents too and I was unfortunate enough to have a homophobic step-father who bullied my gay friend without me realising for a few months. This was in the days before mobiles he would come to my house to see where I was and would get abuse from him that 'queers shouldn't come here' etc.

You can't protect him from all of this but you can ask him to wait to give you time to be prepared to handle the negative side with him.

Duckdeamon · 12/02/2016 06:58

Also lots of that people who are bullied could avoid this by doing or not doing certain things. Wtf!

How about the homophobic bullies get dealt with instead?

Pythonesque · 12/02/2016 07:04

I am very concerned when I hear about young teenagers labelling themselves. When I was studying psychology and child development, I learnt that a normal stage of development is to be attracted to one's own sex prior to the opposite. The overemphasis on sexuality in today's society is, I suspect, leading significant numbers of teenagers (and young adults potentially) to confuse mixed feelings for a marker of their permanent "state". Potentially leading to more emotional mixup when they are older if their feelings have shifted but they have adopted an "orientation" into their life and identity.

I would very much like to see children around the age of 11-12 being told that it is normal to feel attracted to either sex, that it doesn't "prove" that they are straight, gay or bisexual, and that there is plenty of time to explore their emotions as they grow older. Oh and that sexual feelings don't automatically have to be expressed or acted on ...

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